Me thinks I have chronic depression.

[DaShi]

Ben needs the attention.

[SlowwHand]

"Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall."
-Psalms 55:22

God be with you, Mr. Fun.

This about says it all.

[ZEE]

Feel free to PM more details about your mental techniques/habits.

nothing i, or anyone, can say on an internet forum or through PM's can help you unless you listen to them for over a year and diligently do everything they say during that time period. That is called brainwashing. That is what helped me, that is what helps religious people, that is what help gang members, that is what helps people in rehab, and that is what will help you.

Its that simple.

[Richelieu]

I've been on the same kind of journey for the last couple of years. I wish you luck in yours. From my own experience i can tell you that medication did help initially, but the therapy itself is what is helping me accomplish the most as far as changing behavior and understanding of the workings of depression and anxiety. For what it's worth, in my experience Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can - and has, in my case - really help.
You've already made the biggest step by recognizing that you need help and seeking that help. Again, good luck to you.

[Theben]

Tried the meds years ago, my body didn't take kindly to them, but the therapy at least allowed me to point the finger squarely at the source of my depression.

It will always be a struggle... just try to focus on the good things in your life and distance yourself from the things that cause you grief.

[BlackCat]

Tried the meds years ago, my body didn't take kindly to them, but the therapy at least allowed me to point the finger squarely at the source of my depression.

It will always be a struggle... just try to focus on the good things in your life and distance yourself from the things that cause you grief.

Well thaben, it is pretty obvious that your body didn't took it kindly considering your avatar

[Theben]

go fantasize about conquering Hans 0 some more, you euro bastard

[BlackCat]

You have it qute wrong dear Thibun - we have the Island and just protect it

[MrFun]

Tried the meds years ago, my body didn't take kindly to them, but the therapy at least allowed me to point the finger squarely at the source of my depression.

It will always be a struggle... just try to focus on the good things in your life and distance yourself from the things that cause you grief.

I really want to find SOME treatment that will help me. If prescription will not help in conjunction with therapy, what will?

[Asher]

Going to be serious for a bit here.

Is anyone here comfortable with sharing their own experience with this sort of stuff, or knows someone who does deal with this stuff?

I was going to make this just a PM to you 'cause I'm not too fond of airing past dirty laundry in public, but I thought it may be helpful to some other people indirectly and I think many here already know this about me anyway.

Depression is a *****. Not to make this another gay thread, but it is a MrFun thread ( ), so what harm is there (**** off, Ben)... depression is extremely common in young gay men. It's the demographic that is the single most likely to commit suicide. Virtually every gay person I know (and I know a lot) has struggled with severe depression at least one point in their life, usually in the late teens and early twenties (sometimes earlier, sometimes later). So, to be cliche, you are not alone.

I had a helluva time between high school and my first couple years of university with it (which oldtimers here may or may not remember). It was a mixture of elevated levels of anxiety and severe depression that I'd rather successfully hid from people. In fact, many of the aspects that make me what I am today were developed as defensive mechanisms during adolescence (quick wit, quick to pick up on subtle social cues, preemptively plot out possible conversation paths before talking with people, etc). But during first year university, additional stresses brought on by school, sudden changes in environments, loss of most of my friends (who did not go to university), sort of brought me to the edge. Something needed to change in my life because I was becoming increasingly grumpy, I was having trouble sleeping, I was constantly lethargic, I stopped caring about school, and I had nothing to look forward to. I was kind of aimless.

I first tried to combat it by making a big change in my life. Prior to 1st year university, I'd told myself (and one friend) that I was bi. I entered a period of deep introspection and realized I was fooling myself. I told myself I was gay, and that didn't help with the depression. But within a couple months after that, I decided that it was leading the secret double-life that was contributing to my depression.

So I came out to my folks and brother. They were absolutely ****ing shocked, but superficially supportive ("you're my son and I will always love you" but insanely awkward to be around, and eye contact avoidance). For a couple months that really helped, I felt like a lot of weight left my shoulders and had some optimism about life in general.

But that didn't last too long either, and I was soon back in the depressive funk. I had to struggle to find things to look forward to, that was the only way I was coping. Even if it was something inane and stupid ("Civ III is coming out soon"), it sort of provided a carrot for me to keep going in the short-term.

It was at this point I decided to get some help. I told my family doctor (who delivered me and has known me, obviously, ever since the second I was born), who then recommended I go to a psychiatrist. So I did. And it was just like it is in the movies/TVs...there's a couch, an old, boring man with a notepad and many oak bookshelves filled with psych books. The whole thing felt awkward to me. Clinical (which is I guess the point).

I went for 3 one-hour sessions with him before he told me I suffered from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which he believed was causing my depression. He put me on Celexa and told me to keep coming back. I did come back for two more sessions, but I found it to be useless. The guy kept referring to my being gay as a "sexual preference", a phrase which rubs me the wrong way. He was just 'suggesting' I try things that were from any Psych 101 textbooks, which I coincidentally happened to be studying in school. I finally stopped going, but I kept the medication.

I noticed no difference for about 2 months (keep in mind it takes ~2 months to work up to a full dosage in small increments, otherwise you get splitting headaches). It seemed pretty instantaneous after that point...I had stopped dreaming completely, one of the sideeffects of Celexa. But I also stopped caring so much about trivial things. The sense of dread I had carried with me had slowly vanished. I pretty much became carefree.

That sort of let me open the door into exploring genuine relationships with guys. Up until that point I was not interested -- the anxiety & depression sort of crippled me from it. It also gave me a new-found sense of confidence and a bit of a swagger, so the amount of sex I got went way, way up ( ), which also helps with depression I found...

It was then 2nd year of university for me, and by chance I met my SO. I met him online first, chatted a while, then met up in person. He was a senior in HS at the time, but it didn't matter to me (2 years apart isn't bad). I stayed on Celexa until 2007 because everything was going great in life. Why change a good thing? But it became increasingly hard to get prescriptions filled for it (my family doctor is in Calgary, I am in Toronto and it's hard to get a new family doctor here). I weaned myself off of it over a couple months.

I'm even different now than when I had the Celexa -- I definitely have more elevated levels of anxiety about certain things, but far fewer things and far more sensible things. More importantly, the confidence I gained from my years on Celexa is invaluable now. While before I was shy and quiet in real life settings, now I'm an extrovert and usually the centre of activity on my floor at work, and with friends (it sounds like I'm bragging, but it's true). I can now give big presentations to hundreds of people and not break a sweat, because I've sort of retained the "I don't give a ****, I'm going to have fun" attitude that going on Celexa helped me cultivate.

Long story short, going on the medication helped me tremendously. I'm a different man today because of it. I very much doubt I'd have met my SO if I didn't go on them, and now that I'm off them I'll always have my SO to fall back on. He keeps me sane now (well, I've never been fully sane...he keeps me more sane, I should say). When I have down days, he picks me up and knows just what to do to turn it around for me. I'm not sure what I'd do without him (and I'm struggling a bit now that he's 3000km away for a few months).

Definitely give the medications a chance, ESPECIALLY if you have been contemplating suicide. My experience with therapists in general was very poor, but yours may be better (I may've just had a douche).

[BlackCat]

If you don't konw why you have a depression, then you are ****ed - it's'that lack of that knowledgede that sends you deeper and deeper.

[Asher]

Hmm . . .

I have stopped doing my regular exercises about a half year ago. It did make me feel better when I was doing this, but thoughts of suicide is serious stuff.

EDIT: In other words, exercise alone won't cut it.

Exercise does help. It's been medically proven (has to do with endorphins). I go to the gym 4-5 times a week and I definitely am happier the weeks I go vs when I can't.

One thing to keep in mind is the people who put down meds likely don't understand how brain chemistry works. It's not bull**** to say some people are just chemically imbalanced. There's even some theories that one of the reasons gays are so depressed is because a similar chemical imbalance in the brain can affect sexuality in addition to mood.

The brain is a complicated organ we haven't even come close to fully understanding. But it has been proven in MOST cases, meds will change chemical levels in the brain which WILL impact mood and behaviour. Whether it's for the better, worse, or no change at all depends on the person.

Not all causes of depression are the same, not all cures will work for everyone...just need to try what comes to you and see what works.

I'm fairly convinced my mental issues comes from pretty abnormal brain chemical balances. I'm fairly abnormal mentally in a lot of ways (borderline OCD, anxiety issues, sexuality, my thought process is very unique (so I've been told by colleagues and profs), etc) and I'm convinced there's a biological reason for it.

The people who tell you you can get out of depression like the kind you're in just with positive thought have never been in the kind of depression you're on. It's good you are getting help.

[BlackCat]

No offense, but while excercise migt help here and now, it doesn't cure the real reason.

[Asher]

No one said it cured. I thought that was clear.

Just that it does help.

[Berzerker]

exercise is important for all sorts of stuff