Poetic Masterfeces

[Alinestra Covelia]

Originally posted by Riesstiu IV
This is a family thread. I will have no more of this depraved innuendo.

Hear hear. Italian suppositories have no place in a family friendly thread like this.

[DanS]

Obviously, this thread rocks.

However, don't post a dumb poem. You are in Finland is Evil territory. Wouldn't want to harm this thread's stature.

[Riesstiu IV]

Captain Nofatties and the Walmart Whale

In the hinterlands of Tennessee,
Our crew wanders the vast Redneck Sea.

Looking for the a prize, we agree,
The sholes of Wal-mart is the place to be.

For it is known to many a brave sailor,
That Wal-mart turns a boy into a whaler.

We make our way into the parking lot,
being careful to avoid many a land yacht.

My first mate suddenly yells "Fat Cow!"
Sure enough an object is seen off the Port Bow.

What is that great creature in distance?
Chasing food with frightening persistence.

A cheap pink blouse waving like a sail.
The air grows damp, musky, and stale.

Above the large gaping maw,
Her thick mustache inspires awe.

Folds of fat glistening in the sun,
"Why she must way at least a ton!"

It's none other than a land whale!
"To arms men, we must not fail!"

"Keep your eyes on the land lubber."
"We'll make thousands from that blubber."

Too late, the obese girl hears the alarm.
She turns back and heads to her fat farm.

Our nets fail against this magnificent beast.
There is simply too much slippery grease.

The crew let their guard down, a fatal mistake.
She suddenly grabs and eats two men confusing them for cake.

Panic threatens the entire ship.
Another man is lost in her grip.

His screams of agony reveal his fate.
"This can go no longer! We must not wait!"

The first mate brings order under threat of noose.
He tells the crew to hail the beast with verbal abuse.

Success, the land whale retreats in a scream.
Most likely to quell her sorrows with ice cream.

So let this story be a lesson to every guy,
The best thing in the world is making a fat chick cry.

A poem by Riesstiu - 9/15/08

[Alinestra Covelia]

You've really missed a calling, haven't you? The line about the cake made me squirt my coffee all over the computer screen out of my nose.

[Riesstiu IV]

Always nice to hear that my poetry causes involuntary nasal expulsion.

[OneFootInTheGrave]

[onodera]

Riesstu's Masterfeces
MOAR, as they say elsewhere.

[Pekka]

Good stuff

I'll have a go. Haven't yet decided, I'll just go, it's freestyle almost, except delayed, I guess it sort of misses the point, now let me rephrase... it rhymes and it doesn't, only sometimes, sometimes... Sometimes I wonder what's the point, if my penis is only a flexible joint, can the bone break, shake the earth - shake, like a milkshake it comes when the movement stops, pleasure can't be undone. Am I the best? Perhaps. Still no baby machine beats my hand, even though it isn't a contest. A request, nurse, if I may, I said BLACK latex, not gray, the colour of depressed, I said BLACK! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!

What a depressing night once again, she tried to entertain, what can I say... maybe I'm gay? No, I'm not upset, just managing my money, I bought some honey, the dominatrix thought I was funny, but I disagree and make her understand my point, next time she won't disappoint, because I'm updating her machine, with a twist, with my fist and feet, I'll kick her in the knee, and belly, I'm going to make her baby come out apple jelly.

Who's funny now, huh? I don't know why or how I came here, but I have no fear, just one beer, it's all it took, just one beer and a fistful of used condoms. Why condoms you ask? So there's a 100 times more DNA, I had to grab them from the sperm clinique today. Needless to say it was nasty business, no matter what anyone says, and if someone asks me, I didn't do it, and it's a loaded question, suggestion, that I'd hunt for hookers? Oh well, she wasn't a looker, who knows, might have been a dude as well.

[Riesstiu IV]

Pekka, I demand an epic poem about Face Destroyers.

[Alinestra Covelia]

HMB, the mad Chinese housemate I had in Britain, wrote this song. It can be sung to the tune of the Hippopotamus Song.

A few things to note, which may add some context. HuManBing is his nickname, and at the time of this writing, he was a Star Wars fan and claimed to be an Imperial TIE Pilot.

HMB also hates the character Yoshi from Mario Bros.

HMB also likes shotguns. A lot.

HuManBing wrote:

The TIE Pilot HuManBing was lying in wait,
With his laser sight trained on a hill.
His recent work freelancing had tired him of late,
So he took some time off for a kill.

Away on a hilltop cavorting around,
Effete and emasculate prey,
Were multiple Yoshi - inchoate and dozy,
About whom the TIE Pilot said:

Blood! Blood! Glorious blood!
Nothing quite like it to make you feel good.
So slide-shuck your shotgun
Assuming you've got one,
And then let's go pot some for
Glorious blood!

A vomit-green Yoshi gave a sickening cry,
As he floundered his limp wrists and rose.
Then HuManBing's sixteen-gauge was angled up high,
To aim at the reptile's nose.

Like thunder the hilltop reechoed with noise
Of the sound of a slug splatting head.
The saurian victim, now headless and stricken,
Collapsed to the earth as he bled.

Blood! Blood! Glorious blood!
Nothing quite like it to make you feel good.
So slide-shuck your shotgun
Assuming you've got one,
And then let's go pot some for
Glorious blood!

Then panic began to seize the dinosaur beasts
As the shotgun shells thinned out their crowds.
And HuManBing's fantasies indulged in a feast
That he hadn't conceived of till now.

The Yoshi fled aimless, whilst ped'lling their legs
And whining like punchable gimps,
As HuManBing blasted each sauropod bastard
Intending to keep them extinct.

Blood! Blood! Glorious blood!
Nothing quite like it to make you feel good.
So slide-shuck your shotgun
Assuming you've got one,
And then let's go pot some for
Glo-o-o-o-orious blood!

We were not sure whether this was so crap it's good, but it's definitely crap of some species.

[Alinestra Covelia]

I even have a badly Photoshopped pic of HMB shooting a Yoshi in the head with a shotgun from Goldeneye007. This may count as an example of illustrational masterfeces.

I think this was done in 1999.

[Pekka]

Riesstiu, you remember face destroyers? Maybe I will.

[Riesstiu IV]

How could you forget something like face destroyers? I'm convinced it would make a bad ass death metal song.

[Pekka]

Absolutely. I think the best part would be all the fans, all those teenagers, destroying their faces to show loyalty. Because if you're a fan, you're not getting a tattoo, you'll have to destroy your face.

Then of course later on we'll reveal that we only had masks, but hey, thanks for the support

[Alinestra Covelia]

Pekka, you loon! Good to see you back!

And please write a song about face destroyers. Or possibly one entitled "The CIA are trying to steal my penis, can you help me hide it please?"