Amusing & funny jokes

[Grandpa Troll]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST AS I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED , 'IN 1965.

WHY DO YOU ASK?' 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BIATCH ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

I THOUGHT THEBEN WOULD FIND THIS FUNNY

[Dauphin]

Gramps, can you stop using red font please? It hurts this old man's eyes.

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Dauphin
Gramps, can you stop using red font please? It hurts this old man's eyes.

Sure, for you, anything old friend of mine!

Heck, last thing I wanna do is hurt your eyes or anyones elses feelings

[Jon Miller]

Could you make sure that you always post that way GT?

JM

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Jon Miller
Could you make sure that you always post that way GT?

JM

Sure, Cyan it is until it offends another then i shall seek another less offensive color

[loinburger]

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: That's not funny.


Q: How many freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean ladder.


Q: How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. They just sit in the dark and cry.

[Grandpa Troll]

Three men - a Canadian farmer,
Osama bin Laden and a Marine are
all working together one day.
They come across a lantern...

And a Genie pops out of it. 'I
will give each of you
one wish, which is three wishes
in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a
farmer and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be
forever fertile in
Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the
Genie's eye, the land in
Canada was forever fertile for
farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I
want a wall around Afghanistan,
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that
no infidels, Americans or
Canadians can come in our
precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of
the Genie's eye,
there was a huge wall around
those countries.

The Marine says, 'I am very
curious. Please tell me
more about this wall.' The Genie
explains, 'Well, it's about
5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and completely
surrounds the country. Nothing
can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Marine sits down, cracks a
beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it
with water.'

[Grandpa Troll]

DINNER FOR EIGHT
A group of country friends from Cottonwood Community Center wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they' re OK."

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, had some Mint Juleps and engaged in light conversation. About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died"

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." Then he left

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,

"And you know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!"

[Grandpa Troll]

Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though.'

[Grandpa Troll]

Broke Back Deer Camp

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a
room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored
so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take
turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast
the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all
bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to
you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up
and watched him all night.'

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the
morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all
bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to
you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes
the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he
came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good
morning,' he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He
looked rested and wide awake. They asked, 'Man, what
happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went
and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him
good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'

[Grandpa Troll]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can
breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly .. com-for-da-bull."

[Grandpa Troll]

Baked Beans -


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.

When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
time I reached home, so I s topped at the diner and before I knew it, I had
consumed t hree large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.

I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone
rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to
answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was
worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I
quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap
and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with
myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had
not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Grandpa Troll]

Two Mexicans are on bikes along U.S.Hwy 52 about 15 miles outside of
Lafayette, LA.

One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly Semi-trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying eggs.

The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town.

He agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough A State Trooper pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs'. The cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers:
" Well, I've got a tractor-trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bicycle already. I need help'

[Grandpa Troll]

Master Card Wedding






You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.



After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.






Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail
them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out
about the affair, this
guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of
church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations
in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best
man: Priceless.

There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD





A Mastercard Wedding





'Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you
do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......'

[Grandpa Troll]

ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK??


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black?'
Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
sheepishly pulls back the sheets.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around; she examines them closely
and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.
She reassuringly tells the man, 'Sir, there's nothing wrong with them.'
With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and pulls off his oxygen mask.
With an unusually contented smile, he says 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful!
But listen to me very, very closely.'
'ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?'