Amusing & funny jokes

[Grandpa Troll]

Housework



Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from
work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and
another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She
was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all
about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He
helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it
away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..'

[Grandpa Troll]

The Baptist Dog !
>>
>> >>
>>
>> >>
>>
>> >> A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever
>> mindful of
>>
>> >> the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They
>> visited
>>
>> >> kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a
>>
>> >> kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The
>>
>> >> owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. 'Fetch the
>> Bible,'
>>
>> >> he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the
>> books,
>>
>> >> located the Bible,and brought it to the owner. 'Now find Psalm 23,'
>> he commanded.
>>
>> The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous
>> dexterity with his
>>
>> >> paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it
>> with
>>
>> >> his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased
>> the
>>
>> >> dog.
>>
>>
>>
>> That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor
>>
>> >> and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several
>> Bible
>>
>> >> verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, 'Can he do
>> regular dog
>>
>> >> tricks, too?'
>>
>> >> 'I haven't tried yet,' the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at
>> the
>>
>> >> dog. 'HEEL!' the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a
>> chair,
>>
>> >> placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The
>> pastor
>>
>> >> looked at his wife in shock and said, 'Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!'
>>

[Grandpa Troll]

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a
local Hooters.


The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and
every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'


Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt
into cheers.


However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead
silent.


She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please
use the restroom?


The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that
there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'


'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said
the nun.


So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the
restaurant.


After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole
place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !


She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't
understand. Why did they applaud f or me just because I went to the
restroom?'


'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the
bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'


'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the
puzzled nun.


'You see, ' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone
lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


Now, how about that drink?'

[EPW]

your jokes lack humor

[Grandpa Troll]

Subject: Typical Investigative Journalism

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the
lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and
tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming
parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion
square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the
biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says Sir,
this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.

Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right. Well, I'll make sure this
won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will
have this on the first page.

What motorcycle do you ride?

A Harley Davidson.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads, on first page:


BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Badfuzzy
your jokes lack humor

Hmm..Ill get right on that, wait
Here, take this mirror into that bathroom stall, drop your draws, looks into the mirro, grab dat lil sucker, now, the jokes in your hand

[EPW]

[Asher]

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

[Main_Brain]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
Gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that
They both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,they decided to go fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
Headed to the river to his fishing boat and
Started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day.!

She said yes and there they were the ! Next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
**** or drown."

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Asher
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Main_Brain
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
Gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that
They both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,they decided to go fishing together the next day!

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
Headed to the river to his fishing boat and
Started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day.!

She said yes and there they were the ! Next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
FVCK or drown."

[Grandpa Troll]

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How can you be a new father at your age? The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and after th e delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! Amazing! The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you got to keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black

[Kontiki]

A Canadian, an American and a Frenchman are all sitting in the same train compartment with a beautiful woman. The train goes through a tunnel and eveything goes black. Suddenly, a loud *SLAP* is heard and when the train emerges from the tunnel, the American is rubbing his red cheek where he'd clearly been hit.

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that American made a move on the woman in the dark and she slapped him".

The American thinks to himself "I bet that Frenchman made move on the woman in the dark and she slapped me by mistake".

The Canadian thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again"

[Heraclitus]

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Kontiki
A Canadian, an American and a Frenchman are all sitting in the same train compartment with a beautiful woman. The train goes through a tunnel and eveything goes black. Suddenly, a loud *SLAP* is heard and when the train emerges from the tunnel, the American is rubbing his red cheek where he'd clearly been hit.

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that American made a move on the woman in the dark and she slapped him".

The American thinks to himself "I bet that Frenchman made move on the woman in the dark and she slapped me by mistake".

The Canadian thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American again"

Lets be clear, no insulting the Americans

ARE WE CLEAR?