Amusing & funny jokes

[Grandpa Troll]

Larry and Steve wanted to go out drinking; they only had $2.00 between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Steve said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels. Steve said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the bar man noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out, forgetting about charging them for the drinks.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Steve said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar.

[Grandpa Troll]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :



1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards t he bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse.'

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no peo ple between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.








S incerely,
The Dog

[Agathon]

Today's offering from the fail blog made me laugh.

[Agathon]

As part of his job an Irishman was sent to a workplace psychologist.

After the psychologist had finished the session, the Irishman asked: "Hey Doc, what's this IQ ting that people are always goin on about?"

It stands for "Intelligence Quotient. It's a measure of how intelligent a person is", said the psychologist.

"Oh yeah?", said the Irishman, "Well what would a person with an IQ of 160 be like?"

"An absolute genius", said the psychologist, "Someone of staggering intelligence".

"Well then, what about someone with an IQ of 100?", the Irishman asked.

"That would be a person of normal intelligence", the psychologist replied.

"How about an IQ of 80?" the Irishman inquired.

"Well, someone like that would be quite stupid. They would have trouble with simple mathematical and logical problems, and probably have trouble reading".

The Irishman was intrigued. "What about someone with an IQ of 45?"

"Oh", said the psychologist, "You are really getting low there. Someone with an IQ of 45 would have trouble even tying their own shoelaces."

"Ah I get it", said the Irishman, "that's why so many Australians wear flip-flops."

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Agathon
As part of his job an Irishman was sent to a workplace psychologist.

After the psychologist had finished the session, the Irishman asked: "Hey Doc, what's this IQ ting that people are always goin on about?"

It stands for "Intelligence Quotient. It's a measure of how intelligent a person is", said the psychologist.

"Oh yeah?", said the Irishman, "Well what would a person with an IQ of 160 be like?"

"An absolute genius", said the psychologist, "Someone of staggering intelligence".

"Well then, what about someone with an IQ of 100?", the Irishman asked.

"That would be a person of normal intelligence", the psychologist replied.

"How about an IQ of 80?" the Irishman inquired.

"Well, someone like that would be quite stupid. They would have trouble with simple mathematical and logical problems, and probably have trouble reading".

The Irishman was intrigued. "What about someone with an IQ of 45?"

"Oh", said the psychologist, "You are really getting low there. Someone with an IQ of 45 would have trouble even tying their own shoelaces."

"Ah I get it", said the Irishman, "that's why so many Australians wear flip-flops."

[Grandpa Troll]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year
Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say
one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy
maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over
again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did
everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when
Esther fell out, but you know,,,,,,,,, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Nostromo]

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?

[Grandpa Troll]

Originally posted by Nostromo
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?

[Tuberski]

Did you ever hear the joke about the man with five penises?

His pants fit like a glove.

ACK!

[Panag]

LoL



great thread gramps

[Ecthy]

Thanks to Loinburger for adding humor to this thread

[b etor]

Originally posted by Nostromo
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.
He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?

[Grandpa Troll]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's class teacher asked the students what part of their body goes to Heaven first?

One little angel stated the hands.

Teacher asked why?

The little sweetheart said because you pray so they will be closest.

Then a little boy said, "Teacher, its your head"

"Why?" asked the teacher.

Because thats the tallest part on your body he replied.

Then little Johhny raised his hnad, reluctanly the teacher allowed him to speak.

"Yes Little Johnny?" she prompted.

"The legs" he beamed.

The teacher asked why the legs?

"Because last night my mommy had her legs sticking straight up in the air and spread wide, my Daddy was wrasslin her, holding her head down and Mommy was screaming "OH, God, Im cummin'"

[Imran Siddiqui]

[Grandpa Troll]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well . He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doin g something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step
up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.


NOW ............

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.