NHL Offseason: All 10 weeks of it

[Kontiki]

Hey Asher, are you upset that Calgary didn't win the Roenick sweepstakes?

[Asher]

Is that a joke? I'm delighted.

[Kontiki]

Surely the sheer genius of Sutter would have meant that Roenick would have been the greatest veteran pick-up of all time.

[Asher]

Roenick doesn't have the work ethic or remaining potential to fit with the Calgary team, and his ego is too large.

[Kontiki]

I agree, but it didn't stop Sutter from offering him a deal.

[Asher]

As expected, Tanguay signed on for $5M in 2006-2007 (but $5.375M for the next two seasons), in a 3-year contract.

Sutter also signed Jeff Friesen to a 1-year contract, which I find peculiar...

And Spacek joins the ranks of the exodus from Edmonton.

[Asher]

Worst defense in 06-07 will belong to Edmonton.

[Asher]

Cloutier to Kings for picks.

[joncha]

That's about what he's worth.

[Asher]

Reading the TSN comments about the Tanguay trade are hilarious. Lots of Edmonton fans are saying we "overpaid"...and the best comments from Edmonton fans (such as posters like "calgarywasaoneyearwonder") were about how it's so insulting that Kipper (our MVP) is getting only $3.5M, the same as Harmlik and half of Iginla and now less than Tanguay. These people don't seem to understand the concept of contracts. They make it sound like Kipper's going to throw in the towel in protest and go home and pout.

[notyoueither]

Actually, 'calgarywasaoneyearwonder" said that neither the Flames nor the Oilers are going to get near the final.

"jimisthatdamngood" seems to be the one who has a problem with understanding how the contract system works.

But nice try at getting the **** stirred up.

[Asher]

I don't see how anyone can say anything bad about the Tanguay acquisition, still. The guy talking about how Cole would've been better is just perplexing.

[notyoueither]

You could trade a roll of tape for 4 all-stars, and someone could be dug up who would say it was a bad deal.

[notyoueither]

I'm a bit upset with Lowe.

Letting Georges go, not because Laraque is the next great thing, but because the guy was extremely loyal to the organization and the city. And then there is the need to have someone around to keep the cheap shots away from the young 'uns, and there's nobody who could possibly replace Laraque in that department.

Over league minimum is a lot for the big guy, and he got that from Phoenix, but he is a big loss for the fans. He is much loved.

[notyoueither]

Have to laugh sometimes. It punctuates the crying.

http://www.thehockeynews.com/en/news/news.asp?idNews=21466

LOOSE CHANGE: EDMONTONVILLE
by Charlie Teljeur

The following is purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laugh while reading this, while framing this, or while burning this. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Pity the Edmonton Oilers. Even in the revamped climate of the new NHL symphony they’re still stuck playing second fiddle to the bigger markets of North America. Being within one measly win of another Stanley Cup still isn’t proof enough for the elite players in the league to want to play their hockey in Edmonton? Perhaps an overhaul of the city is in order. What will take to convince the hockey world that the city is big time and should be treated as such?

First off, boost that sparse population base. On your best day you still can’t crack a million residents. Find a way to attract more immigrants. Not a couple, a whole mess of them. Make up a rumor about another gold rush. Offer free methadone at clinics. Tell people you’ve built a tunnel from Mexico to Los Angeles via St. Albert. Do anything to add that seventh digit to your road signs.

And while you’re at, lose those road signs. And close down some lanes on those ample highways on a regular basis. Come on, you claim to be big league yet you have less congestion than a Sinutab addict. People, we need ten car pileups and burned out vehicles and overturned lumber wagons. We need traffic delays of epic proportions. Why do you think Escalades have such big gas tanks?

And where’s your smog? You have oil refineries up the wazoo, yet you can still see the stars at night? What kind of city are you? If you don’t generate enough of your own smog, import some. Name one Stanley Cup champion in recent years that isn’t an asthmatic’s nightmare? If God didn’t want us to be indoors he wouldn’t have given us air conditioning. It’s in the Bible.

Would it also kill you to have the occasional crime spree as well? I don’t mean the old drunk and disorderlies or the petty criminal. I’m talking full-fledged crimes of passion, stuff with automatic weapons and unexplained explosions. If you can’t use the phrase “ticking time bomb” when describing your town, you need to work harder. Make it on Osama’s list and you’ll have a Cup within three years.

And finally, the shopping. You talk ad nauseum about the West Edmonton Mall. Big Deal. Malls are so Eddie Belfour. You need shopping districts. You need store fronts with armed guards. You need retailers that are discriminating, and selective. People who aren’t afraid to send the great unwashed back to Wal-Mart and who truly know the awesome power and intrinsic value of those who flash a Gold Card. Think about it: You were one PayLess Shoe Store from keeping Chris Pronger an Oiler for life.

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Tuesday and Thursday, only on thehockeynews.com.

Want to talk to Charlie about love, life, or Loose Change? Email him at charlieteljeur@hotmail.com