Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit Of ... A Joke

[SlowwHand]

Lots of bad news gets posted. I post my share.
Bad news only, can lead to a negative outlook.
I think it's time we cheer us up some.
Have you heard any jokes lately?

*****************************************

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi,

and West Virginia.

[Imran Siddiqui]

[Pekka]

pretty good

Must be one of them Alabama's Swedes!

[MrFun]

[Winston]

Well the opposite can also be a problem. A young couple who'd been married a couple of years, a professional footballer and his high school sweetheart, wanted so badly to have a baby.

Unfortunately, none of them had any experience at all in intimate matters, and so they were at a loss on how to actually make a baby.

The young wife decided to ask her mother for advice, and after some beating around the bush, the mother told her, "Honey, every night, you should get your husband to put his favourite body part where you pee, and then I'm sure things will be fine."

Some time later, the mother called her daughter on the phone, to check if there'd been any progress.

"No, nothing at all has happened" complained the daughter, "Jimmy's been standing with his right foot in the toilet every night for 3 weeks, it's just not working."

[Zopperoni]

A couple of lame ones

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands Finally, the President looks up and asks

''How many is a Brazillion ??!

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid," he said. Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

And Arnold says...

"... I'll be Bach."

[MikeH]

You steal those but not Maya the Almost?!

[Zopperoni]

Go play with your Chipknip

[MikeH]

[Max Webster]

Why is George Bush so hard-headed?
His skull protects the weakest part of his body.

[Max Webster]

George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!"

Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar.

After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again.

Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?"

"You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."

[Winston]

Pigs

Sir Winston Churchill once said, "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

[Zedd]

A small chartered flight crashes on a deserted isle over the south pacific and only the pilot and one of the passengers, a super model, survives.

After some time alone on the island they agree to get married and both devote themselves to being the perfect spouse and makeing each other happy. The man writes poetry and gives his wife a massage every day, and she makes herself available to him every night.

The Wife soon notices that something is troubling her husband and asks what she can do to help.
"Well, could you wear my shirt and my hat?" he asks
"Of course!" she replies.
"And, could you walk east arround the island?"
"No problem." She answers.
The wife imediately follows his instructions and he takes off running westward. On the far side of the island they meet and the man exclaims...

"DUDE! You will NEVER believe what happened to me!"

[Winston]

[flash9286]

This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."

At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened. "Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."