Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit Of ... A Joke

[Aabraxan]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.

[Last Conformist]

Originally posted by Zedd
A small chartered flight crashes on a deserted isle over the south pacific and only the pilot and one of the passengers, a super model, survives.

After some time alone on the island they agree to get married and both devote themselves to being the perfect spouse and makeing each other happy. The man writes poetry and gives his wife a massage every day, and she makes herself available to him every night.

The Wife soon notices that something is troubling her husband and asks what she can do to help.
"Well, could you wear my shirt and my hat?" he asks
"Of course!" she replies.
"And, could you walk east arround the island?"
"No problem." She answers.
The wife imediately follows his instructions and he takes off running westward. On the far side of the island they meet and the man exclaims...

"DUDE! You will NEVER believe what happened to me!"

OK, I'm stupid. I don't get it.

[Kontiki]

Originally posted by Last Conformist


OK, I'm stupid. I don't get it.

A big part of being with a model is being able to tell your friends about it.

[Last Conformist]

Originally posted by Kontiki


A big part of being with a model is being able to tell your friends about it.

... :|

That's not even funny.

[Q Classic]

A young priest was scheduled to celebrate a big Christmas mass in a small community; however, he'd heard that there would be a large contingent of Hasidic Jews who would attend to protest, largely because a prominent member of the church had made some unfortunate statements regarding their faith.

Worried that they may provide a distraction to the Mass, the priest went to the bishop, and related his fears and concerns. The elderly bishop, realizing how a protest could detract from everyone's experience of the Mass, nodded and told the younger priest not to worry, that he would take care of it.

Weeks went by, and the preist heard nothing of a resolution; indeed, it just seemed more and more apparent that the demonstrators would show up and ruin the Mass.

Finally, the day of the Mass, the priest started celebrations; he was, however, distracted, unable to see who and who wasn't a protestor; nervous, he finally got to the part of the Mass where the lights were dimmed as they began the Lord's Prayer.

All of a sudden, he heard the bishop's voice, cry out: "Quick! Now!" Immediately, the lights went up, and a vertiable crowd of the protesters fled the sanctuary.

Later, asking the bishop how he knew that would solve the protest, the bishop replied, "Young man, I ALWAYS use the Lit Mass Test for Hasidic Solutions."

[Winston]

That's not even funny.

Sure it is. It's like the Frasier episode where he, much to his own surprise, manages to have an affair with an absolutely stunning looking super model (who's breeding iguanas!?), but he can't tell anyone, as she is in the process of ending a previous relationship with a celebrity football player. He casually lets his family and close friends know that he's dating a model, but as he can't have them meet her or even reveal her name, they obviously don't believe him and decide he must be suffering from a neurotic obsessive condition. Of course the whole thing eventually drives Frasier absolutely nuts. Very funny, one of the best episodes I can recall.

[Last Conformist]

Frasier?

[Winston]

Frasier.

Totally unconnected to Bergman, I know. But there we are.

[Aabraxan]

The difference between canine theology and feline theology:

The dog looks at you and thinks to himself:
"He loves me.
He feeds me.
He provides for all my needs.
Hmm . . . He must be a god."

The cat looks at you and thinks to himself:
"He loves me.
He feeds me.
He provides for all my needs.
Hmm . . . I must be a god."

[Zkribbler]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama husband said to his wife. "We can't afford no more kids. If you tell me you're pregant again, I'm gonna kill myself. So help me, I'm gonna kill myself."

Soon afterwards, the wife comes to her husband and tells him she's going to have another baby.

He grabs his pistol, goes into the bathroom, puts the gun to his head...and then stops. "Wait a minute!" he said. "I may be killing an innocent man!"

[Richelieu]

Bill Edwards, Ottawa, ON: "Recently, during a Texas vacation, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - DORIC LODGE'S MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap!, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - CIVIL SERVICE LODGE'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - KEVIN OSBAHR'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report.

[Koyaanisqatsi]

Originally posted by Q Cubed
Later, asking the bishop how he knew that would solve the protest, the bishop replied, "Young man, I ALWAYS use the Lit Mass Test for Hasidic Solutions."

*smack*

[lord of the mark]

Originally posted by Zedd
A small chartered flight crashes on a deserted isle over the south pacific and only the pilot and one of the passengers, a super model, survives.

After some time alone on the island they agree to get married and both devote themselves to being the perfect spouse and makeing each other happy. The man writes poetry and gives his wife a massage every day, and she makes herself available to him every night.

The Wife soon notices that something is troubling her husband and asks what she can do to help.
"Well, could you wear my shirt and my hat?" he asks
"Of course!" she replies.
"And, could you walk east arround the island?"
"No problem." She answers.
The wife imediately follows his instructions and he takes off running westward. On the far side of the island they meet and the man exclaims...

"DUDE! You will NEVER believe what happened to me!"

compare this

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup for a miraculous and dramatic hole in one.
The angel was horrified. "Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!"
"Sure," answered God with a smile. "Who can he tell?"

[lord of the mark]

'Priest arrives, doesn't know it's Goldberg..
Intones the question, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy
Ghost?"

Goldberg looks up and says, "I'm dying and he's asking me riddles!" '

[lord of the mark]

An old Jewish man gets hit by a car and dying on the roadside. His wife, in
all her grief, calls out to the bystanders, "Somevone call a Rabbi, my
Cy is dying!"
Cy looks up and says, "No, call a priest."
"Why a priest?"
"So I can convert. It's better one of them should die, there's so few
of us."