Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit Of ... A Joke

[lord of the mark]

My rabbi told this one a few weeks ago

'As the El Al plane landed at Ben Gurion airport, the voice of the
captain announced:


"Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until this plane is
at a complete stand-still and the seat belt signs have been turned off.
We also wish to remind you that using cell phones on board this
aircraft is strictly prohibited."


"To those who are seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope that
you enjoy your stay. To those of you standing in the aisles and talking
on your cell phones, we wish you a Happy Chanukah, and welcome back
home." '

[OzzyKP]

A Guy Goes To A Supermarket And Notices A Beautiful
Blonde Who Waves At Him And Says Hello.

He's Rather Taken Aback, Because He Can't Place Where
He Knows Her.

So He Says "do You Know Me?"

To Which She Replies "i Think You're The Father Of One
Of My Children."

Now He Thinks Back To The Only Time He Has Ever Been
Unfaithful And Says...

"are You The Stripper From My Bachelor Party That I
Had On The Pool Table With All My Buddies Watching,
While Your Partner Whipped My Butt With Wet Celery?"

Suddenly Looking Very Uncomfortable, She Said "no, I'm
Your Son's Math Teacher."

[OzzyKP]

Well it looks like I killed the conversation. Just like when I'm at parties...

Oh well, here's another one anyways:

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but found it to be occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. “Sir,” she said, “the ladies’ restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP”, and there was one red button labeled “ATR.”

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn’t just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men’s restroom didn’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the “PP” button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies’ room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

”What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ restroom on a flight to Atlanta!”

“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. “That last button marked “ATR” is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

[Winston]

Heard it, ages ago, but you told it so well!

Well it looks like I killed the conversation. Just like when I'm at parties...

Oh, if you're not doing anything, could you get me another beer, please?

[OzzyKP]

Peanuts specials for the kids of today, coming soon...

We learn about VD in:
"IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie and the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:
"I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Is Linus gay?
"ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie moves back to his house in East LA in:
"OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"

See how the Peanuts Gang deals with sexual pressures in:
"NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Discover a father's forbidden love in:
"IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN"

Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:
"IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"

What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in:
"GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"

Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:
"ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

Charlie Brown gets his first job in:
"WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:
"GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"

Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in:
"WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie gets an AOL account and stays up all night long in:
"WELCOME!... YOU HAVE MAIL, CHARLIE BROWN"The peanuts gang learns about death in:
"WHY ISN'T LINUS MOVING, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown learns the pain of a sex change in:
"YOU LOOK DIFFERENT, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie Brown learns about cyber sex in:
"WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Snoopy goes to town on Charlies leg in:
"YOUR DOG REALLY LOVES YOU, CHARLIE BROWN"

Charlie Brown joins a fanatically religious cult:
"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, CHARLIE BROWN"

The Peanuts gang learns about self-stimulation in:
"WHY ARE MY PALMS SO HAIRY, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown learns prostitutes are trouble in:
"WHERE'S MY MONEY, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown learns about STD's in:
"THAT WASN'T THERE BEFORE, CHARLIE BROWN."

Charlie Brown learns about the consequences of prison in:
"DON'T DROP YOUR SOAP, CHARLIE BROWN."

Charlie Brown learns about suicide in:
"GOOD-BYE, CHARLIE BROWN."

Charlie Brown learns about pornography in:
"WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING, CHARLIE BROWN?"

Charlie Brown learns about tax fraud in:
"HERE COMES THE IRS, CHARLIE BROWN."

[lord of the mark]

Originally posted by OzzyKP
Well it looks like I killed the conversation. Just like when I'm at parties...

You know social skills improve with age and maturity, dont you?

Now heres a joke

Jake came home from a hard day's work, sat down at the kitchen table, and
said to his wife, "Sadie, for once in your life don't start with your
troubles. Ask, instead, what happened to me at business. Ask, already, what
kind of day I had. Go ahead, ask. Just ask..."


Whereupon Sadie asked apprehensively, "Nu? What happened, Jake?"


Then, Jake buried his head in his hands, and said, "What happened? Oh,
Sadie, better you shouldn't ask!"

[OzzyKP]

Lame.

[Kontiki]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes of life to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, well built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman.
He demands: "Iron this shirt"

[lord of the mark]

Morris was a yeshiva bucher in his native Budapest. He immigrated to New
York and, after a time, he called his mother back in the old country.


"So Morris, did you get a job?"


"Yes, Mother, I got a job."


"You aren't working on shabbos, are you?"


"Mother, in America everyone works on shabbos."


"At least you're keeping kosher?"


"Mom, it's very hard to keep kosher in America."


"And your beard, Morris? You still have your beard?"


"Mom, in America the men don't wear beards."


"Tell me, Morris, are you still circumcised?"

[Zkribbler]

A woman has been found guilty of shoplifting a can of peaches from the supermarket.

"How many peaches were in the can?" asks the judge.

"Six, your honor," the woman replies.

"I therefore sentence you to six days in jail."

"Wait a minute!" shouts her husband jumping up. "She also stole two cans of peas."

[Winston]