What to do after 24 years?

[Tuberski]

"Closure" is a word that has no meaning. Get on with your life, you can close this all by yourself.

ACK!

[H Tower]

Originally posted by JohnT
"married again"

Does this mean you and he were married?

that's what I was about to ask.

Amesjustin: she got the title because she dated another Apolytoner for a while, having met on Apolyton. However, it didn't work... her husband is not the Apolyton guy she dated back then.

[JohnT]

The other Apolytoner was self biased.

[Tingkai]

Re: What to do after 24 years?

Originally posted by Tiamat
I was very hurt and harbor many angry feelings towards him for what happened. However, to finally have an opportunity to speak out and say what I couldn't all those years ago and how what happened has screwed up my life in some aspects

Imagine his surprise when out of the blue, an old flame from the past sends him an e-mail. He'll probably expect the e-mail to say "hi, how are you doing... how's it going.. remember the good times... blah, blah, blah."

I'm sure he'll be happy to hear from you. I'd love to her from my ex-girlfriend of about 15 years ago telling me once again that I'm an immature jerk (and yes I was, but that was a long time ago).

And this is bound to help you. One e-mail and the thing that has been bugging you for 24 years will disappear.

[Ted Striker]

Originally posted by Zkribbler
I never got closure from such meetings.

I just got re-openings, or at minimum, new temptations which had to be resisted.

I'm with Big Crunch: write him a letter then burn the letter & get on with your life.

Zkribbler is speaking the truth.


Don't get it twisted.

[kring]

One thing to do before you decide: Consider all the major outcomes if you do communicate/meet with him. He may.may not want closure as well. It could open wounds, or rekindle feelings, for him. I would encourage you to think of some worst case scenarios and how you would handle them; as well as the possible ways that he may handle them. Sometimes, no matter how much you want closure, the other person may not be willing to accomodate it, or the situation doesn't yield closure for some other reason.

I hope that it goes well for you, however you decide to handle it.

[Rufus T. Firefly]

To me, the big question is, "why haven't you achieved closure after 24 years?" It seems to me there are two possible answers:
a) I haven't really tried; I've chosen to repress this rather than face it head-on.
b) I've tried, repeatedly, including trying in consultation with a trained professional, and I just haven't been able to do it.

My money is on "a". That's not meant as an insult; I've just seen "a" an awful lot, including in my own life. If I'm right, I'd suggest that there are all sorts of ways to achieve closure without revisiting the past and the people involved; if their weren't, no one would ever be able to get over anyone's death. So I would say, pursue closure, but on your own, drawing on the support of friends, family, and counsellors (therapists, clergy, whatever) to help you out. But this should be something you can do without him.

Now, if your answer is "b", I'm stumped. Sorry.

[Pekka]

I guess you can't give any right or wrong answer to this. Depends.. you must ask yourself can this cause more regrets to you AND the other one, than the regrets you feel now? He might have some regrets too, but then again he might have just forgotten you and never want to see you. I don't know what happened between you, so I don't know. But then again you can't know the risks of the other one getting hurt again or opening old wounds, so you have to risk it either way. It could be great for the both of you. Wraagh! Tough one! Go with instinct! Trust your feelings, don't try to rationalize too much!

[MarkG]

Have you tried writing a letter with all the things you want to say. Formulate your thoughts and feelings on the subject as if you were going to send it. I find the process to be very therapeutic, even though I never actually send the letter to the person I write it to I feel a lot better in myself.

indeed. you may actually realisde at the end of the writing that you no longer need to "close" anything.....

[JohnT]

I can't believe I just glossed over this part on my first reading:

I was very hurt and harbor many angry feelings towards him for what happened. However, to finally have an opportunity to speak out and say what I couldn't all those years ago and how what happened has screwed up my life in some aspects, to me it's an opportunity to heal an old wound....one I never thought I would ever get the chance to do.

You're going to call up some ex-boyfriend/spouse and start dredging up all the old arguments again?

Mighty selfish of you, Tia.

Man, if somebody did that to me my first and only reply would be "Fvck you" and then I would block all incoming emails from your account. If you open new accounts to send others, I then would use these emails and have you charged with stalking.

[Sava]

Originally posted by Tuberski
"Closure" is a word that has no meaning. Get on with your life, you can close this all by yourself.

ACK!

My sentiments exactly. You seem to have a happy marriage with a man you love. That should be closure enough.

[SpencerH]

Sometimes you cant have closure because in some situations forcing the issue is not the better alternative.

[CerberusIV]

The only way to resolve this is in your head. My suspicion is that contacting this guy will at best achieve nothing and may leave you feeling even more unhappy about the past.

I have some unresolved issues with my parents. They are still alive and I see them occasionally but if I were to raise the issues that concern me they would be completely at a loss as to what I was going on about so there is no point. It is something I have to sort out with myself.

It would be better if you can resolve this yourself rather than perhaps looking to someone else for an answer.

[FrustratedPoet]

Originally posted by JohnT
You're going to call up some ex-boyfriend/spouse and start dredging up all the old arguments again?

Mighty selfish of you, Tia.

Man, if somebody did that to me my first and only reply would be "Fvck you" and then I would block all incoming emails from your account. If you open new accounts to send others, I then would use these emails and have you charged with stalking.

This dude speak the truth.

Seriously, it sounds like a really bad idea. Leave the guy alone and stop torturing yourself about it.

If he contacts you first, then "**** off" is exactly the right reply to give.

[Urban Ranger]

Let it slide.

What are you trying to find out, and how will it help you?