What to do after 24 years?

[Tiamat]

I have something very personal in my past that happened about 24 years ago when I was in college. I never really got any closure on this issue and of late it seems to be croping up and causing me a great deal of regret. It happened with a guy in college whom I dated for almost 2 years and now quite by accident when I signed up for one of those classmates thingy's.......well........there he is. I've told my husband about what happened and also told him that I felt like I needed to make some type of conntact with this person to gain some type of closure for myself.

If you can believe this it was actually his suggestion that I post this and get advice on it. To my husband he doesn't see why I need to deal with something that happened 24 years ago, but for me it's now affecting the life I have now. I think he's a bit worried that a fire might rekindle but that is the farthest thing from my mind regarding this. I was very hurt and harbor many angry feelings towards him for what happened. However, to finally have an opportunity to speak out and say what I couldn't all those years ago and how what happened has screwed up my life in some aspects, to me it's an opportunity to heal an old wound....one I never thought I would ever get the chance to do.

So do I make contact or no?

[ravagon]

Re: What to do after 24 years?

Originally posted by Tiamat
However, to finally have an opportunity to speak out and say what I couldn't all those years ago and how what happened has screwed up my life in some aspects, to me it's an opportunity to heal an old wound....one I never thought I would ever get the chance to do.

Healing old wounds may be a good thing.
Opening new ones would be a bad thing.
Just make sure you know the difference ...


[A guy named Kurt Vonnegut put it much better than I just did. ]

[orange]

what happened?

[Dauphin]

Have you tried writing a letter with all the things you want to say. Formulate your thoughts and feelings on the subject as if you were going to send it. I find the process to be very therapeutic, even though I never actually send the letter to the person I write it to I feel a lot better in myself. I prefer that to reliving a moment over and over in my mind and thinking about what could have been done differently.

[Chilean President™]

Re: What to do after 24 years?

Originally posted by Tiamat
So do I make contact or no?

Of course

If after 24 years still bothers you, is because you need a closure.
Sure your husband (you're married? you've just broke my heart ) would be worried about it but finnaly he will understand.

What do you want to do? talk to him? ask him for some answers? ... or make him pay


The best of lucks Tia

[JohnT]

"To my husband he doesn't see why I need to deal with something that happened 24 years ago, but for me it's now affecting the life I have now. "

Because you're allowing it.

I would say that unless this is a situation where you wronged him, let it be. And even then, think carefully before you act.

Do you even know this guy? You knew him 24 years beforehand in college... but that was literally half his life ago. Now he likely has a wife, children, and a life that is totally different than the one you shared.

As do you.

[Spiffor]

Contact him, through written media.
If the business is unfinished, and if it bothers you, you have to finish it. However, avoid phone or RL meetings at all costs, for it is true it may somehow rekindle the old thing. Especially if the old problems are settled.

[Lorizael]

After twenty four years the odds are that whatever event occurred then is no longer on his mind. If not forgotten, it is still something of the past for him. To bring it up, just to tell him that he hurt you, won't do him any good, even if it does you good. You might want to try just talking to him, see if he would want to do that. Being able to communicate civilly (sp?) with this individual might help to heal the wound.

[H Tower]

If the statute of limitations hasn't run out yet and you wronged him, don't make contact

[Kramerman]

I require more details if I am to give any qualified quality advice...

buuut.... from what you have shared, i might be able to relate. I too had a relationship a while back from which i seek closure. I still know the person quite well, and hope to soon confront her... she broke my heart, and i have suspicions why, but i dont care anymore, i just want closure and assurance. I dont care how or why, i know the relationship is dead, but the negative impact on my life of not knowing has been substancial. I need to know not only for my fragile ego's sake, but so i can finally move on after so long (i still, even after so long, cant help thinking about her).

Kman

[Tiamat]

No it's more that we wronged each other with a bad decision, bad timing, bad everything. But we never talked about things.....glossed over them and yes he is married again actually. I do keep in contact with his brother.

It was quite the family type thing you know.....little rich girl goes off to college on music scholarship and meets cute guy in music program who also sings in church so he gets girl to go sing in church which gets her accepted at his home with his parents and friendly with both brothers......basically taking in the girl who is 300 miles away from home at college, that type of thing.

And the only means of possible communication that I was even remotely considering was and e-mail only nothing more.

And sorry Chilean ~ yes I would be recently married, but............a girl can never have enough friends

[Zkribbler]

I never got closure from such meetings.

I just got re-openings, or at minimum, new temptations which had to be resisted.

I'm with Big Crunch: write him a letter then burn the letter & get on with your life.

[Chilean President™]

And sorry Chilean ~ yes I would be recently married, but............a girl can never have enough friends

The hope has returned to my life.

[JohnT]

"married again"

Does this mean you and he were married?

[Amesjustin]

It is obviously killing you, so just do it.

And how do you get to be an Apolyton Legend????