Lightening up....Obligatory joke thread

[Tiamat]

You know the world is f*cked up when:

1. the best rapper is white.

2. the best golfer is black.

3. the Swiss have the America's cup.

4. the French are accusing US of being Arrogant.

5. Germans DONT want to go to war.

6. And on top of that the 3 most powerfull people in the White House are named: BUSH, ****(also known as Richard), and COLON

[Tiamat]

George Bush, Jaques Chirac and Tony Blair all go hunting. At the end of the night, they are cleaning there game and having a drink when Tony Blair stands, throws a bottle of whiskey in the air and yells "For Queen and country". He then pulls out a pistol and shoots the bottle out of the air.

Chirac stands and throws a bottle of champagne in the air screaming, "Viva la France". He, too, pulls his pistol and shoots the bottle.

George, not to be out done throws a can of beer in the air and pulls out his pistol. Then he shoots Chirac and yells
"It doesn't get any better than this".

[Tiamat]

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bit*h out the window."

[St Leo]

Animal cruelty.

[General Ludd]

"lightening up" by telling political and bigoted jokes?

[Clear Skies]

A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for 3 months.
All he had to eat was what he could forage and was forced to sleep wherever
he could find meager shelter. One day he came upon an old farm house. In
answer to his knock, an old Chinese gentleman asked "WHAT DO YOU
WANT?"

"I have been lost in the wilderness for 3 months and have not had a decent
meal or nights sleep in just as long. May I stay the night?" The old man
agreed under the condition that there be no messing with his granddaughter. "I
will cause you no trouble," the man said. "That's very good," said the old
man, "because if I catch you with my granddaughter, you will suffer the three
most severe Chinese tortures."

The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was awestruck by
her beauty. Since he had been alone for so long and she had not been with a
man in her life, they could hardly keep their eyes off of each other during the
meal.

Later that night the man crept into her room and they had a terrific time
together. They were careful to be quiet lest they awaken the grandfather.
Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third floor), and thought:
"That marvelous experience was worth enduring a thousand tortures." He
then fell promptly asleep and had the best sleep in three months.

Upon awakening, he felt an incredible weight on his chest. He then realized
that there was a 100 pound rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that
read: "1st Chinese Torture - 100 Pound Rock On Chest."

This is some lame torture thought the man as he carried it over to the window
and threw it out. Then he noticed another sign on the bottom of the rock:
"2nd Chinese torture - Right Testicle Tied To Rock." Knowing that it was too
late to catch the rock, the man hurled himself out of the window after it.

Passing through the window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge:
"3rd Chinese Torture - Left Testicle Tied To Bedpost."

[Inverse Icarus]

Originally posted by Tiamat
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.

what hand to the brits use?

i'm a righty in the use and i use my right hand *IF* i don't have a knife. if i *DO* have a knife, i hold the knife in the right (for cutting steaks and what have you)

[Alex]

@ Clear Skies

[CerberusIV]

A group of cannibals start work at a research lab. The Director welcomes them on the first day and says "Welcome to the company. I know about your past but we won't hold that against you as long as you don't eat anyone here. If you get hungry go to the canteen".

All goes well for about a month, then the Director calls the leader of the cannibals into his office. "A janitor has gone missing. Up to now I have been very pleased with your work but if one of your people has eaten this janitor there's going to be trouble".

The cannibal leader goes back to the others and asks "OK, which one of you is the idiot who ate the missing janitor?". One of the cannibals raises his hand. The leader shouts at him "You fool, for weeks we have been eating team leaders, project managers and supervisors without being noticed and now you have to eat someone who works for a living!".

[MichaeltheGreat]

[Boris Godunov]

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this
dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to
wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

[jim panse]

The last days before the Mid-term election George W. Bush spent travelling along the US to convince some people. One day he had to go to an elementary school in the Mid-West. After delivering his speech to the kids he annouced that they were allowed to question him.
Little Bob rose and said: Tell me please, Mr President, (1) how on earth did yu win the election with 500.000 votes less than Al Gore? (2) Don´t you think that nuking Hiroshima and Nagasaki were the greates terrorist attacks carried out in history? And, (3) Why do you want to attack Iraq without proof?
In the same moment Georeg W. Bush wanted to answer the bell rang and all the children went out of the class for a break.
After the break the children came back and George Bush asked them again for questions. Little tom rose and said: (1) How on earth did yu win the election with 500.000 votes less than Al Gore? (2) Don´t you think that nuking Hiroshima and Nagasaki were the greates terrorist attacks carried out in history? (3) Why do you want to attack Iraq without proof? (4) Why the bell rang 20 minutes earlier? And (5) where the heck is Bob???

[Boris Godunov]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and says, "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She then leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes and says, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

[PLATO]

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:

"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France.
There is no relationship, nor has there EVER been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that
we are both yellow"

[orange]

i really don't get the first joke Boris. What am I missing?