Which Iraq War stories do you think are planted or false? Report them here.

[Zero]

Has anyone covered the helicopter accidents in this thread?

There sure is alot of mechanical failures these days... I wouldnt blame the aircraft manufacturers either. It wasnt meant to function well when there are bullets wedged into the main engines and stuff.

But I still like my aircraft manufacturers are allies of Saddam theory.

[spiritof1202]

Re the whole helicopter thing...

From the "Surviving War in Iraq" guide

from SomethingAwful.com
Step One: Don't Go Anywhere Near Helicopters

At the time of writing this article the American casualties are somewhere around 25 killed, with a whopping 18 or so of those attributed to helicopter crashes. I'm not much with math and numbers and crazy things like that but I think that's something like 99.9% of the American casualties caused by helicopters. This is in a war, with people shooting at Americans and everything, yet somehow helicopters have been transformed into bloodthirsty murder machines. In fact, not only should you not go anywhere near a helicopter, you should probably put bows on them and drive them over to where the Iraqis are hiding. Then they'll be like "wheee look at this totally radical helicopter" and Saddam will come out on the balcony and say "awesome helicopters" and then Tariq Aziz will emerge from a sewer with the sewer grate balanced comically on his head and say "cowabunga duders!"

Then the entire Iraqi Republican Guard will mount up into the murderous Blackhawks and Apaches and crash them all into the ground and die. Except for Tariq Aziz who will be surfing and possibly "hanging ten".

For some reason the concept of "staying the **** away from helicopters" seems to be causing a problem for the top brass, who keep insisting that crash-happy choppers get loaded full of elite commandos even though five seconds after liftoff they plummet into a canyon and explode. If you're ordered to get into a helicopter by one of your stupid commanders might I offer some plausible excuses to get you out of gyrodeath.

* You contracted HIV from a Kuwaiti male prostitute and your lack of T-cells might cause you to become severely airsick and vomit blood into the mouths of fellow soldiers.

* Your attempts to open a can of Vienna sausages that may or may not have been discarded because of botulism was such a disheartening failure that the trauma has left you with shell shock.

* Your new age religious beliefs prevent you from rising more than a few feet above sea level or else face eternal torment in the bowels of a hip and alternative hell-like location.

* You refuse to ride in a helicopter unless the pilot agrees to fly with the sirens on.

* Your aunt was decapitated on the set of the "Twilight Zone" movie and her death has left you mortally afraid of helicopters.

* Just grin smugly and say "you chumps ride in that helicopter, I'll use my jetpack." Then when they take off go back into your tent and nap.

* Explain slowly and clearly that you are allergic to plummeting to the desert floor and dying in a violent crash or burning to death while trapped in wreckage.

If none of these options work you can attempt to drive the point home by sneaking up to the Brigade commander's tent late at night and chucking grenades inside. If necessary attach notes to the grenades that read "Vote no on Issue 35".

[Alexander's Horse]

[SlowwHand]

I'll just imbed this jewel here, thank you very much.


What is the Iraqi air force motto?
I came, I saw, Iran.

Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head, and leave them
there.

What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
Two days.

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign ambassador.

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where in the world those Tomahawks are coming
from!

Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air force.

[Alexander's Horse]

[spiritof1202]

The Iraqi information minister is turning into a comedian. He claimed before that Coalition forces at first were being routed, then would be put in a Quagmire, and now that the Iraqi's are keeping them moving. Apparently they decided to not go with the "rings of death", or "cutting the snake to pieces" bit.

I got the most amusing vision of him, whilst he was talking, of special forces operatives bursting in on one of his conferences, and his sticking his fingers in his ears, tightly shutting his eyes and yelling "LA LA LA LA".

[Urban Ranger]

What's even funnier is the "stuff" coming out from the US DoD hot air sessions. Destroying several enemy divisions each day? Yeah, I am not a 3 year old kid.

[spiritof1202]

Originally posted by Urban Ranger
What's even funnier is the "stuff" coming out from the US DoD hot air sessions. Destroying several enemy divisions each day? Yeah, I am not a 3 year old kid.

The DoD has never claimed defeat of a division in a day. The divisions have been bomed to pieces for many days now. They have been rendered combat ineffective, and as such, have not stopped the allies advance past them. The divisions can't move back to Baghdad. If they move, then they go into the open, without aircover; then they'd die.

[Alexander's Horse]

They are going around a lot - which could bite them later.