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  • God has come to Earth...

    ...and apparently goes great with tartar sauce!

    An obscure Jewish sect in New York has been gripped by what many believe is a modern miracle - a 20lb carp that was heard shouting apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew.


    Word is made flesh as God reveals himself... as a fish

    Edward Helmore New York
    Sunday March 16, 2003
    The Observer

    An obscure Jewish sect in New York has been gripped in awe by what it believes to be a mystical visitation by a 20lb carp that was heard shouting in Hebrew, in what many Jews worldwide are hailing as a modern miracle.
    Many of the 7,000-member Skver sect of Hasidim in New Square, 30 miles north of Manhattan, believe God has revealed himself in fish form.

    According to two fish-cutters at the New Square Fish Market, the carp was about to be slaughtered and made into gefilte fish for Sabbath dinner when it suddenly began shouting apocalyptic warnings in Hebrew.

    Many believe the carp was channelling the troubled soul of a revered community elder who recently died; others say it was God. The only witnesses to the mystical show were Zalmen Rosen, a 57-year-old Hasid with 11 children, and his co-worker, Luis Nivelo. They say that on 28 January at 4pm they were about to club the carp on the head when it began yelling.

    Nivelo, a Gentile who does not understand Hebrew, was so shocked at the sight of a fish talking in any language that he fell over. He ran into the front of the store screaming: 'It's the Devil! The Devil is here!' Then the shop owner heard it shouting warnings and commands too.

    'It said "Tzaruch shemirah" and "Hasof bah",' he told the New York Times, 'which essentially means that everyone needs to account for themselves because the end is near.'

    The animated carp commanded Rosen to pray and study the Torah. Rosen tried to kill the fish but injured himself. It was finally butchered by Nivelo and sold.

    However, word spread far and wide and Nivelo complains he has been plagued by phone calls from as far away as London and Israel. The story has since been amplified by repetition and some now believe the fish's outburst was a warning about the dangers of the impending war in Iraq.

    Some say they fear the born-again President Bush believes he is preparing the world for the Second Coming of Christ, and war in Iraq is just the opening salvo in the battle of Armageddon.

    Local resident Abraham Spitz said: 'Two men do not dream the same dream. It is very rare that God reminds people he exists in this modern world. But when he does, you cannot ignore it.'

    Others in New Square discount the apocalyptic reading altogether and suggest the notion of a talking fish is as fictional as Tony Soprano's talking-fish dream in an episode of The Sopranos .

    Stand-up comedians have already incorporated the carp into their comedy routines at weddings. One gefilte company has considered changing it's slogan to: 'Our fish speaks for itself.'

    Still, the shouting carp corresponds with the belief of some Hasidic sects that righteous people can be reincarnated as fish. They say that Nivelo may have been selected because he is not Jewish, but a weary Nivelo told the New York Times : 'I wish I never said anything about it. I'm getting so many calls every day, I've stopped answering. Israel, London, Miami, Brooklyn. They all want to hear about the talking fish.'

    A devout Christian, he still thinks the carp was the Devil. 'I don't believe any of this Jewish stuff. But I heard that fish talk.'

    He's grown tired of the whole thing. 'It's just a big headache for me,' he added. 'I pull my phone out of the wall at night. I don't sleep and I've lost weight.'
    Now, I bet God would make one tasty meal!
    Tutto nel mondo è burla

  • #2
    mmmmmm... sacrilicious.
    "My nation is the world, and my religion is to do good." --Thomas Paine
    "The subject of onanism is inexhaustable." --Sigmund Freud

    Comment


    • #3
      The time and plaice of his coming are certainly unusual - are we sure this isn't a red herring? We've been cod out before, after all.
      "Love the earth and sun and animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown . . . reexamine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency" - Walt Whitman

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      • #4
        "Dear, that piece of fish was good enough for Jehovah!"

        "Well, honey, surprise--it was Jehovah!"
        Tutto nel mondo è burla

        Comment


        • #5
          He said Jehovah! Stone him!
          Exult in your existence, because that very process has blundered unwittingly on its own negation. Only a small, local negation, to be sure: only one species, and only a minority of that species; but there lies hope. [...] Stand tall, Bipedal Ape. The shark may outswim you, the cheetah outrun you, the swift outfly you, the capuchin outclimb you, the elephant outpower you, the redwood outlast you. But you have the biggest gifts of all: the gift of understanding the ruthlessly cruel process that gave us all existence [and the] gift of revulsion against its implications.
          -Richard Dawkins

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          • #6
            And they say the human race is not spiralling into madness!

            http://sleague.apolyton.net/index.php?title=Home
            http://totalfear.blogspot.com/

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Clear Skies
              The time and plaice of his coming are certainly unusual - are we sure this isn't a red herring? We've been cod out before, after all.
              best worst puns EVER
              "I hope I get to punch you in the face one day" - MRT144, Imran Siddiqui
              'I'm fairly certain that a ban on me punching you in the face is not a "right" worth respecting." - loinburger

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              • #8
                I saw the face of Jesus in my muffin this morning! What does it all mean?
                If you look around and think everyone else is an *******, you're the *******.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by MRT144
                  best worst puns EVER
                  *bows*
                  Thankyou I was going to add more, but I think they'd probably just give people a haddock.
                  "Love the earth and sun and animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown . . . reexamine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency" - Walt Whitman

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Where's my fishing rod, I'm off to go and catch some deities!

                    http://sleague.apolyton.net/index.php?title=Home
                    http://totalfear.blogspot.com/

                    Comment


                    • #11


                      I surrender to your puns!
                      "I hope I get to punch you in the face one day" - MRT144, Imran Siddiqui
                      'I'm fairly certain that a ban on me punching you in the face is not a "right" worth respecting." - loinburger

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Follow the Fish!

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                        • #13
                          You would think that if it was a fish it would be a Christian omen.

                          Weird.
                          Only feebs vote.

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                          • #14
                            This reminds me of the Big P*ssy talking fish from The Sopranos.

                            Interesting that when presented with a talking fish bearing a message from God, Rosen still gets the Gentile to kill it.
                            "We are living in the future, I'll tell you how I know, I read it in the paper, Fifteen years ago" - John Prine

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                            • #15
                              mmm, God tastes of tape recorder. How strange.
                              Concrete, Abstract, or Squoingy?
                              "I don't believe in giving scripting languages because the only additional power they give users is the power to create bugs." - Mike Breitkreutz, Firaxis

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