Math/science jokes

[cavebear]

A man is floating in a hot air balloon, he gets caught in a draft and blown off course. He quickly realizes he's lost and looks for someone on the ground to help him out. He spots a man walking and lowers the balloon and shouts," Hey, I'm lost, I was supposed to meet someone an hour ago, and was wondering if you could tell me where I am?"

The man on the ground replied, " You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30' above ground at 36 degrees longitude 12 degrees latitude heading west by south west."

The man in the balloon replied, " you must be an engineer." The man on the ground replied, "yes, how did you know?" The man in the balloon, " because although the information you gave me is technically correct, you never answered my question and I'm still lost."

The man on the ground replied, " you must be in management." Balloon guy, "yes, how did you know?" Ground guy, "because you got in the position you're in by blowing a lot of hot air, you have no idea what to do, where you are, how you were going to get where you wanted to go; and somehow it's my fault."

[Nubclear]

Originally posted by cavebear


Is that an anagram or something?

No. It is in refrence to the infamous "guess the real ming" thread where our Glorious Comrade Tassadar banished the 9 Heads of Ming into the North Korean Prison system however the 1st head of Ming (Ming) developed a flower which would posion the guards, eat through steel, and disable computer systems using advanced MicroSoftNano (R) technology.

However, because 8 of the heads are protected BY steel (the ninth, Rah, being protected by the 8 heads) the flower lowered their defences. Rah had been waiting for this and ate the 8 heads of Ming and subsequtenly become the most powerful of the heads (By eating the other heads, he gained their powers.) and now the are all slaves to him.

The joke is in refrence to that incident (Commonly called the "Ming Incident" or "Prison Ming". The following is the meaning broken down by words in the joke:

Mings Flower

The poisnous flower Ming constructed.

Poisons Prison

In refrence to the flower killing guards, disabling computers, and eating through steel.

Beware Human.......

A warning to all humans.

Rah has Risen!

In refrence to the rise of the 9th head of Ming, Rah, rising to defeat and enslave the other heads.

[cavebear]

Originally posted by Tassadar5000


No. It is in refrence to the infamous "guess the real ming" thread where our Glorious Comrade Tassadar banished the 9 Heads of Ming into the North Korean Prison system however the 1st head of Ming (Ming) developed a flower which would posion the guards, eat through steel, and disable computer systems using advanced MicroSoftNano (R) technology.

However, because 8 of the heads are protected BY steel (the ninth, Rah, being protected by the 8 heads) the flower lowered their defences. Rah had been waiting for this and ate the 8 heads of Ming and subsequtenly become the most powerful of the heads (By eating the other heads, he gained their powers.) and now the are all slaves to him.

The joke is in refrence to that incident (Commonly called the "Ming Incident" or "Prison Ming". The following is the meaning broken down by words in the joke:

Mings Flower

The poisnous flower Ming constructed.

Poisons Prison

In refrence to the flower killing guards, disabling computers, and eating through steel.

Beware Human.......

A warning to all humans.

Rah has Risen!

In refrence to the rise of the 9th head of Ming, Rah, rising to defeat and enslave the other heads.

Wow!

Evidentally I missed a lot! Impressive... I still haven't got the slightest idea what you are talking about, but I *am* impressed by the detail of it.

[MattyBoy]

A computer science student is using a laptop under a tree and another one pulls up on a new bike.
The student under the tree asks, "Where'd you get that?!"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying, this girl pulls up on her bike... She takes off all her clothes and says to me, 'You can have anything you want'."
The other student responds, "Good choice! -- her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

- my favourite so far.

[orange]

Pi is exactly 3

:gasps:

[ixnay]

Was it on this forum that someone (Asher?) posted a large list of how various programming languages let you shoot yourself in your foot? If so, that was humorous.

[Asher]

Don't know if I posted them here before or not, someone else may have.

Repost in any case:

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying "that's me, over there."

Objective C
You write a protocol for shooting yourself in the foot so that all people can get shot in their feet.

Algol (60 or 68)
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

Algol 60
You spend hours trying to figure out how to fire the gun since it has no provision for input or output.

APL
You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.

Assembly Language
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.

BASIC
Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

Visual Basic
You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.

COBOL
USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.

DBase
You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot yourself anyway.

Dbase IV version 1.0
You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.

Fortran
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.

Java
You shoot yourself in the foot. Everyone else who accesses your websit leaves hobbling and cursing.

Lisp
You try to shoot yourself in the foot, but the gun jams on a stray parenthesis.

Pascal
The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.

Modula-2
After realising that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.

PL/1
Since the bullet is a different type from your foot, the bullet automatically gets converted to another foot on arrival. It's still difficult to walk afterwards.

Prolog
You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks to the gun which then explodes in your face.

sh, csh, etc.
You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.

SQL
You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fire the attachment at the end of your leg.

[Proteus_MST]

A mathematician, a physicist and a computer user are confined in seperate rooms.
Each of them receives two glass balls. After one hour the Experimentator looks what they are doing with them.
The mathematician quietly sits there and computes the volume and the surface of the balls.
The physicist holds the balls against the light and computes refractive index and absorption coefficient.
Finally he looks into the room with the Computer User and sees that one ball is gone and the window is broken.
On the question, what happened, the user only shrugs his shoulders and says: "I haven´t done anything"

[Urban Ranger]

Ultimate final exams

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

[Dr. A. Cula]

A variant of the creation joke (maybe I don't remember it right):

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civili engineer are arguing about God's profession.

The mechanical engineer says: "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body. The way all the bones connect to each other to provide a flexible, yet soild support for the body is clearly a feat of mechanical engineering."

The electrical engineer says: "You're wrong.Look at the way the human body is wired, how the neurons connect to each other to form the brain, and how nerves run all over the body delivering information to the brain and commands to the muscles. It's clearly a masterpiece of electrical engineering."

The civil engineer says: "You're both wrong. The human body is the work of a civil engineer."

"How so?"

"Who else would put an exhaust pipe in the middle of an amusement park?"