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Help with champagne bottle!!!

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  • #1

    Help with champagne bottle!!!

    Ok I suffer from champagnebottleopeningphobia ok?


    I fear what will happen if I try to open a champagne bottle. Where will the cork go?

    Will it bounce off a wall and right onto my head or eye or hurt some innocent bystander?


    Yet, I'm going to have to open a bottle of champagne tonight.

    And I'm deadly afraid. Heeeelp me!!!

    The way I figure it is, this particular bottle of champagne has been shaken (A LOT) and the corck will shoot out like a bullet from a gun - and whoever dies, dies.


    What can I do???


    I have thought of these things.

    _Getting out on the balcony and opening the bottle there, aiming at the sky.

    If something is going to die, it will be a bird or something. I can't be held responsible for that and a bird getting it is better than me or some of the other people that will be in the living room. But I will look completely ridiculous going out on the balcony to open a champagne bottle!


    _Give it to someone else to open it. But how can I do that without looking like a complete wuss?

    _Open it before they come, in the balcony, but that would seem weird. Having an already opened bottle of champagne.

    What am I gonna doooo?
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Open it over a sink, directed towards the wall, looking the other way?

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    • #3
      Do what my friends I did at a party:

      Get a bouncy castle (one of those things that you fill up with air and bounce on).

      Bounce around with the bottle of champagne until it's near exploding.

      Aim at neighbour's roof and take off the cork (this must be done outdoors).

      Spray champagne around the bouncy castle, soaking everyone and causing a delicious alcoholic slipperly wet tshirt mess.
      Exult in your existence, because that very process has blundered unwittingly on its own negation. Only a small, local negation, to be sure: only one species, and only a minority of that species; but there lies hope. [...] Stand tall, Bipedal Ape. The shark may outswim you, the cheetah outrun you, the swift outfly you, the capuchin outclimb you, the elephant outpower you, the redwood outlast you. But you have the biggest gifts of all: the gift of understanding the ruthlessly cruel process that gave us all existence [and the] gift of revulsion against its implications.
      -Richard Dawkins

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      • #4
        drink red wine
        "I hope I get to punch you in the face one day" - MRT144, Imran Siddiqui
        'I'm fairly certain that a ban on me punching you in the face is not a "right" worth respecting." - loinburger

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        • #5
          Do what my friends I did at a party:

          Get a bouncy castle (one of those things that you fill up with air and bounce on).

          Bounce around with the bottle of champagne until it's near exploding.

          Aim at neighbour's roof and take off the cork (this must be done outdoors).

          Spray champagne around the bouncy castle, soaking everyone and causing a delicious alcoholic slipperly wet tshirt mess.
          Amusing

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          • #6
            Ok, Starchild's solution seems the most plausible. All I'm missing is a bouncy castle but that's details

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            • #7
              Nah, just open it and look the other way. It won't hit your eye that way, you big wussie!
              In da butt.
              "Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others." - Confucius
              THE UNDEFEATED SUPERCITIZEN w:4 t:2 l:1 (DON'T ASK!)
              "God is dead" - Nietzsche. "Nietzsche is dead" - God.

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              • #8
                Get a kitchen towel and wrap it round the neck of the bottle as you open it.
                One day Canada will rule the world, and then we'll all be sorry.

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                • #9
                  Just keep the palm of your hand over the top. It won't go anywhere.
                  The genesis of the "evil Finn" concept- Evil, evil Finland

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                  • #10
                    Or just give it to the hands of 5 year old kindergarten girl because you're too afraid! She'll open it.
                    In da butt.
                    "Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others." - Confucius
                    THE UNDEFEATED SUPERCITIZEN w:4 t:2 l:1 (DON'T ASK!)
                    "God is dead" - Nietzsche. "Nietzsche is dead" - God.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Go on the balcony and aim it towards Turkey... maybe you'll get someone .
                      “I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
                      - John 13:34-35 (NRSV)

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                      • #12
                        Put a towel over the cork and take a firm grip. With your other hand, grasp the bottom of the champagne bottle and twist it (not the cork). The bottle comes off the cork very easily, no muss, no fuss, no flying cork, no spilt champagne.
                        Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree...

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                        • #13
                          Well, I believe in the soul, the c**k, the p***y, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

                          - Kevin Costner (as Crash Davis in Bull Durham)



                          Imran.....i just noticed your signature...
                          gawd i love that movie..
                          and thats my favorite line
                          "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." -Katherine Hepburn

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                          • #14
                            Well I'm glad... Hueij liked my old sig (with Susan Surandon's opening quote in that movie) better .
                            “I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
                            - John 13:34-35 (NRSV)

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Thank you for your replies!

                              Unfortunately I didn't read them.

                              Before I opened the Champagne bottle that is.


                              All went ok. I just opened it, pushing it out with my thumb and looking the other way. I hope I didn't look too scared when I did it

                              The cork must have hit the wall and bounced off it harmlessly. At least I think, because I was looking the other way!

                              Lots of spilt champagne but everyone went "yeeeeeeee yeah!!!!!" so all went ok

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