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  • #46
    And this.

    The US election- Tea Party

    "Psssstt! Have you heard the news? Bush is President."

    "Really? How did that happen?"

    "I've no idea."

    That's the world's take on the US election in three lines of dialogue. We knew that voting took place at some point. We know that there is now a new man in the White House. What happened in between will probably remain as much of a mystery as what happened to Amelia Earhart, or where the exact location of the G-spot is. Or, for that matter, where the exact location of Amelia Earhart's G-Spot is. Frankly, CNN might as well have announced that the entire election was decided by the outcome of a game of strip twister played by a pack of pixies. We'd have been none the wiser.

    Presumably it made sense at some point, but it all appeared relentlessly surreal and nothing was more surreal than the candidates themselves. Now Al Gore should at least have had the advantage of familiarity seeing as he has been (in theory) the "second most powerful man in the world" for eight years but he's proved to be remarkably anonymous in his foreign profile. Your average British man on the street wouldn't know Al even if his pork sword was in Al's mouth, leaving Mr Gore as potentially the first "Stealth President" in history. Tipper Gore is far better known through her diligence in ensuring that musicians using expressions like "willie" or "furry front-bottom" get saddled with the social stigma of having warning stickers on their records. That'll teach 'em, Tipper.......

    My personal problem with Gore is that I have the distinct impression that in the (admittedly unlikely) event of my ever wrestling off his underpants, I suspect that, in the absence of genitals, I would find a smooth expanse of shiny plastic as if he were a "G.I. Joe" doll. I doubt that he actually possesses a full set of family jewels, and if he does I suspect he would have no idea what to use them for. Some might argue that, in the wake of Bill Clinton's chronic inability to keep the Presidential Prong safely wrapped up, this constitutes an advantage but it leaves me thinking that I have nothing in common with the man, and I suspect that if we ever met he would probably take a shower in bleach afterwards. If this view was commonly held it might explain why Gore couldn't get elected. It might also suggest that he couldn't get laid in a brothel.

    Next we have to consider George W Bush. At this point I have to confess that the first time I saw him on TV I was left rolling around the floor in hysterics. I couldn't believe that this man was in politics, when clearly he missed out on his intended role of asking "Would you like fries with that?". In many ways he reminds me of my ancestors. Ancestors that pre-date Homo Sapiens, to be precise.

    However, I started to warm to "Dubya" after a while. He started at a disadvantage to the perceptions of pinko Europe, because (as we all know well) all Republicans are dog-raping vampires. His media coverage also pandered to the worst sensibilities in us Brits- namely the notion that we possess some inherant form of intellectual superiority over the Yanks, backed up by the fact that we used to bully people in grass skirts and use a few extra redundant vowels in spelling. Being a sucker for an underdog, I started to be a little more sympathetic to the man however afflicted he might have been.

    There was something rather touching in his interviews. Unlike Mr Squeaky Clean Gore, Bush looked shifty. At times there was even a trace of fear in his eyes. His habitual expression was one of deeply confused vague anxiety- it's the sort of expression I would have expected to see on the face of a chimpanzee who has just been strapped to a chair, had a thermometer shoved up it's arse, and been blasted into a low earth orbit on an experimental rocket. This comic pathos left me feeling a vague fondness for the unfortunate chump, and I watched his interviews avidly waiting for the moment when he would finally snap and attempt to start sniffing the interviewer's arse. He is an inadvertant treasure.

    ......but would I trust him to run a country? You must be joking, right?

    Vice-Presidential candidates? Well **** Cheney didn't make much impression, although I could easily picture him as a minor civil servant with a vital role in the process of gassing badgers. However, Cheney was "Captain Media Whore" compared to Gore's running mate who's name, face and entire existance escapes me. He must have accidentally blended into the background at some point. Like a WW2 Japanese infantryman on a remote island, he's probably still forlornly campaigning to this day.

    Policies? I presume they occurred at some point, but that's just guesswork. At a guess I'd say that the Democrats wanted to spend on welfare and the Republicans wanted to spend on defence, but I never became satisfactorily informed about what the polices were. It's just as well I couldn't vote- but what is scary is that I suspect I was probably as well-informed as was a sizeable proportion of the US electorate.

    I'm going to miss the US election. True, we may have a General Election here this year, but British Elections are so stuffy and pompous in comparison. We just can't get that immense pantomime of grotesques to work here. Good luck for the next 4 years, America.

    You might need it.....
    The genesis of the "evil Finn" concept- Evil, evil Finland

    Comment


    • #47
      Another blast from the past.

      The 50km Mince

      The Olympian ideal is "Higher, faster, longer", or at least it is as far as Athletics is concerned and Athletics is the heart of the Olympics. Where the hell does walking fit into the equation?

      It's a travesty. A horde of emaciated, sweaty types, looking eerily as if they are attempting the most unconvincingly nonchalent mass breakout from a concentration camp, grimly padding along the streets. Where's the entertainment?

      What kind of sick mind thought this sport up? I've a strong suspicion that it must have been a rather suspect bachelor games teacher from one of England's more disreputable public schools who took a fancy to inflicting mass torture on his schoolboys in the most skull-crushingly dull manner imaginable. Just picture the smelly old goat- his tweedy "plus fours" straining to conceal his monstrous priapism as he orders his innocent charges to swing their pelvises more as they parade en masse, pert little buttocks twinkling in the evening sun. Should we allow this horror to continue?

      The Sydney Olympics just demonstrated what an appalling waste of time this "sport" is. In the women's events, the leading racer disqualified on the verge of victory after lifting her feet off the ground. This, of course, is unforgiveable in speed-walking on the grounds that it might make the event both faster and slightly more entertaining. The men's events are the real horror, however. Athletics should be vaguely sexy, but the mere sight of these near-corpses mincing camply along the streets of Sydney for about a month could provide the quickest antidote for Viagra overdoses. It's deeply horrible.

      What is the attraction? What's the point?
      The genesis of the "evil Finn" concept- Evil, evil Finland

      Comment


      • #48
        Right. That's yer lot.

        Tourist's Guide to Britain

        1- What is Britain?

        Britain is a Godforsaken collection of storm-wracked islands clinging on to the unfashionable north-west end of Europe like a particularly appalling and infected collection of hemorrhoids. Most of the action takes place on the big island to the right, although there is still some amusing remnants of colonial oppression and neanderthal religious bigotry on the smaller island on the left.

        2- Industry and Exports

        Following 30 years of organised political action, Britain recently announced that it had finally succeeded where all other developed nations had failed and had eliminated industry from the islands entirely. In fact, isolated pockets still remain, such as Britain's car industry (once the jewel in it's engineering crown), where it took years of political buggering about to successfully bring the industry to it's knees, followed by more years of buggering about to eradicate the former legacy of buggering about. Finally we stopped buggering about and buggered off. The fossilised turds that remain are now quietly making money for the Yanks and Krauts.
        The population of Britain now works in call centres, where they sell unwanted and entirely pointless insurance policies to other call centre workers, who in turn sell them double glazing and holiday homes. It is estimated that by 2010 the entire population of the UK will be working for Wal-Mart.

        Britain's primary export is "twattishness", created by it's hordes of young male virgins who use the internet to sneer about other countries under the mistaken notion that the ability to string a sentences together coupled with a rudimentary grasp of sarcasm gives some form of innate superiority. Recipients of such cutting wit should remember that the most devastatingly accurate riposte is to say "Ah, but you've got no girlfriend."

        4- History

        See "Killing and stealing things".

        4- Government

        Formerly an absolute monarchy, which meant that the nation's fate was decided by violent and megalomaniacal inbreeds. Later a constitutional monarchy, with elected representatives being drawn mainly from Britain's top public schools, leaving the nation's fate in the hands of sexually-repressed megalomaniacal inbreeds.
        Britain has three main political parties. Currently in power is the "New" Labour Party, which is corrupt and crap. The main opposition comes from the Conservative Party, which is corrupt, racist and crap. Bringing up the rear is the Liberal Democrat Party, which is useless, ineffectual, guilt-wracked and crap.

        5- Climate

        Britain has three seasons. These are "Late Autumn", "Winter" and "Early Spring". It is a fact worth remembering that while on British soil you are further north than any US state except Alaska. This causes the bizarre sight that treats the world's sunnier climes whenever the British tourists arrive. Upon encountering direct sunlight for the first time in their lives, British people turn bright red before peeling off their skin like a snake. They then drank a colossal volume of Sangria and pick a fight before passing out.

        6- Cuisine

        Wales gave the world Laverbread (fried seaweed). Scotland gave the world Haggis (Sheeps liver, lungs and glands mixed with oats and boiled in it's own stomach) and the deep-fried pizza. A traditional Irish meal is "Bacon and Cabbage". In the light of these delicacies, English cuisine suddenly seems much nicer, though the rest of the world still seems to think that we live on offal and the nerves of goats.

        7- Crime

        It is a recorded criminal statistic that there was no crime in Britain before 1960. Every misdemeanor was simply settled by a hearty clip round the ear by a laughing constable, and the miscreant would cheerfully scamper off to mend their ways.
        (Note for overseas readers- a "clip round the ear" was the practice of taking a suspect into a police cell and administering a ****ing good kicking.).
        Sadly the brutal suppression of lawful and peaceful gun ownership has left the UK population at the mercy of the corrupt and oppressive government, whilst marauding hordes of criminal roam the streets. Since the arrival of Foot and Mouth disease, the perpetual darkness caused by the choking clouds of funereal smoke means that hordes of sinewy brigands swarm unchecked. Visitors are advised to take bullet-proof vests, Intra-red "Nightsight" goggles and sufficient quatities of field dressings to last for the duration of their stay.


        Entering Britain.

        The first stage, following the arrival of Foot and Mouth disease, is de-lousing, where visitors are advised to close their eyes whilst being dipped into deep pools of organo-phosphates. The UK government would like to remind visitors that links between such pesticides and degenerative afflictions of the central nervous system are unfounded, and would you mind signing this waiver, please?
        At Immigration you will be asked whether you are seeking asylum in our country. If you reply "yes", you will spend three weeks in Stockport where burly youths will throw bricks at you, before being deported to Albania.

        Top sites to see

        1- Stonehenge.

        Enjoy hordes of tourists moaning "It's not very big, is it?".

        2- Clifton Suspension Bridge.

        Brunel's glory. Marvel at the suicides plunging 350 feet into the Avon Gorge, only to slowly drown in the heavily polluted mud while rescuers make futile attempts to reach their horribly mangled bodies.

        3- The British Museum

        Experience the wonder of the Elgin Marbles, and lots of other things we stole.

        4- The Lake District.

        "Wordsworth Country". Where the rolling hills and mountains are now overshadowed by the vast piles of smouldering cows and sheep.

        5- London

        It's big, it's crowded and it smells of urine.

        6- The English Riviera

        AKA Torquay. It's like the French Riviera, only the weather's awful, the sea is polluted, the beaches are strewn with solidified condoms and only the men have got their tits out.


        This is my home. Tell me about yours.
        The genesis of the "evil Finn" concept- Evil, evil Finland

        Comment


        • #49
          lol, that's exactly how i picture the uk!
          "An archaeologist is the best husband a women can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie
          "Non mortem timemus, sed cogitationem mortis." - Seneca

          Comment


          • #50
            I'd say that the funniest thread has to be the one where I invented the banana option. I mean its legacy speaks for itself. Perhaps the controversy surrounding who actually popularized the everpresent poll option fuels the funniness of this thread, because everyone else but me who does it is an ******* and should be torn apart by rabid fire-breathing dragons. Additionally, **** all of yall who didn't nominate my thread.

            Comment


            • #51
              The civnation diaries were pretty funny, as was the EVC/Emperor Craetzcaesar showdown.

              General Steelman was another EVC classic.
              Any views I may express here are personal and certainly do not in any way reflect the views of my employer. Tis the rising of the moon..

              Look, I just don't anymore, okay?

              Comment


              • #52
                Originally posted by Alexander's Horse
                The civnation diaries were pretty funny, as was the EVC/Emperor Craetzcaesar showdown.
                The best part was when EVC forgot to switch his log on during the argument. And EVC responded to an EVC post. He didn't catch his mistake for at least 5 or 6 posts. And by then, everybody was laughing.

                Classic stuff
                Keep on Civin'
                RIP rah, Tony Bogey & Baron O

                Comment


                • #53
                  And EVC was shrieking that the Emperor had hacked his hard drive and begged you to do something about it

                  Meanwhile the Emperor was claiming to be reading EVC's harddrive.

                  "AHA! Your storm troops have land in the Falkland island eh EVC? Your nefarious plans are ruined!"
                  Any views I may express here are personal and certainly do not in any way reflect the views of my employer. Tis the rising of the moon..

                  Look, I just don't anymore, okay?

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Lazarus:

                    I was almost gang-banged by 20 boys... i mean come on...
                    "Flutie was better than Kelly, Elway, Esiason and Cunningham." - Ben Kenobi
                    "I have nothing against Wilson, but he's nowhere near the same calibre of QB as Flutie. Flutie threw for 5k+ yards in the CFL." -Ben Kenobi

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Originally posted by Albert Speer
                      I was almost gang-banged by 20 boys... i mean come on...
                      Just so if Albert happens to notice his own statement and edits it away.
                      "Spirit merges with matter to sanctify the universe. Matter transcends to return to spirit. The interchangeability of matter and spirit means the starlit magic of the outermost life of our universe becomes the soul-light magic of the innermost life of our self." - Dennis Kucinich, candidate for the U. S. presidency
                      "That’s the future of the Democratic Party: providing Republicans with a number of cute (but not that bright) comfort women." - Adam Yoshida, Canada's gift to the world

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Originally posted by Stefu
                        Visionary! Prophet!
                        My girlfriend owns a game called "Personal Preferences" where similar questions are asked. One I remember vividly is: "what do you like most: public transportation, Miami, cooking or the Berlin Wall?"
                        12-17-10 Mohamed Bouazizi NEVER FORGET
                        Stadtluft Macht Frei
                        Killing it is the new killing it
                        Ultima Ratio Regum

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          Originally posted by Albert Speer
                          Lazarus:

                          I was almost gang-banged by 20 boys... i mean come on...
                          Seconding Stefu's sentiment
                          12-17-10 Mohamed Bouazizi NEVER FORGET
                          Stadtluft Macht Frei
                          Killing it is the new killing it
                          Ultima Ratio Regum

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Originally posted by Albert Speer
                            Lazarus:

                            I was almost gang-banged by 20 boys... i mean come on...


                            It sure is rough in the hood.
                            "The issue is there are still many people out there that use religion as a crutch for bigotry and hate. Like Ben."
                            Ben Kenobi: "That means I'm doing something right. "

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              gang-banged also means beat up by a number of people... yall go to too many porno sites...

                              and now I see that I deserved it... i shouldnt **** around in other people's hoods like that. though these were just some corny white boys, some people take their blocks too seriously and will knock out whoever starts ****ing around with them.
                              "Flutie was better than Kelly, Elway, Esiason and Cunningham." - Ben Kenobi
                              "I have nothing against Wilson, but he's nowhere near the same calibre of QB as Flutie. Flutie threw for 5k+ yards in the CFL." -Ben Kenobi

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                This reminds me of the time, during winter, when one student yelled at another, while irritated at him and riding the train: "I'm going to give you the biggest blowjob when we get off".

                                He never lived that down.
                                12-17-10 Mohamed Bouazizi NEVER FORGET
                                Stadtluft Macht Frei
                                Killing it is the new killing it
                                Ultima Ratio Regum

                                Comment

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