Nominations: Funniest OT-thread

[DinoDoc]

Secret Diary of AnnC, part 1
By Stefu. (Invent your own witty opening line.)

Secret Diary of AnnC (Any relation husband and children have to real people is purely coincidental.)

Apr 14th - Whew! At last we managed to unload all of our packages from van. Michael is currently refitting the carpets to our new house, while Mike Jr., Karsten and Kitty are playing in the yard. Oh, how I love my little children! What I don't love, though, dear diary, are uptight people, like our former neighbours. What unpleasant people! I wonder how control freaks like that can get on with their lives.

Apr 16th - Well, dear diary, it doesn't look like much improvement. I and Mike Jr. were on a bus, on our way to shop for groceries, and some control nazi complained to us. Is it really his business, dear diary, to question warm and loving relationship between me and my children? Oh, how some fascists can get miffed by smallest things, like breast-feeding an 11-year-old! I know, though, that in the end, I and my children will have better relations because of it.

Oh well. Looks like it's better to start the practices again with the children.

Apr 19th - Good start for practices, dear diary! That copy of Anarchist's Cookbook I downloaded from the Net sure came to good use. Kitty can make bombs like a real pro, and there is one traffic light less to prove it! (I hate traffic lights, dear diary. Those meddlesome things our government uses to interfere me with are just proof of how the society has got more and more unwelcoming.) After the practises, I gave my children paintball guns and let them shoot around the house with them. I believe to freedom in raising my children. They can choose whether they shoot cupboard, toilet can or Michael's bed.

Apr 20th - Oh, how typical! Michael found out I had restarted the practices and dared to complain about it. That man o' mine can sure be like those uptight people, sometimes! He doesn't believe in freedom like I do, that's for sure. Oh well, I'll just have to manage - I'm a freewheeling person who doesn't care about small things, dear diary.

Apr 22th - Again, dear diary, I just can't understand how empty lives of some people must be. One elderly man dared to complain about Karsten's purple Mohawk and pink brassiere! I, naturally, called him a fascist, Mussolini clone and SS-Stormtrooper, while my children greeted him with resounding Sieg Heil. Just like I had taught them! I sure gave him a good scare!

Apr 24th - I was feeling pretty mischievous today, so I made little Kitty dress up as me! I then instructed him to imitate me, bellowing out phrases like "I'm AnnC, the biggest ***** in this house". This just goes to prove what a lover of liberty I am, dear diary. Could a parent of a house filled with national socialists go through mockery like this? Of course, should little Kitty do something like this on her own, I would be very sad indeed, as it would just go to prove that fascism has started to affect her.

Apr 27th - You'll never believe this, dear diary! This couple next door, who look like very boring people, came to me and said my lawn was getting too tall for it's own good! Whatever people do, dear diary, my lawn is something that is not to be criticized. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill! Why do small details like this so infuriate the little Hitlers of the world? Oh well, time for me and my children to respond. Michael, as usual, disapproved. Well, tough noogies, hubby! I have my ways of dealing with problems, and I'll use them.

Apr 30th - Little Karsten sure has a good aim! The front window of those neighbourhood nazis is starting to look like an omelette, for all the eggs my precious children have thrown at it. Not the back window, of course, since I need it for my studies. My drawings of the husband of the family are starting to get ready.

[DinoDoc]

Secret Diary of AnnC, part 2
Now you've had time to be sufficiently horrified, here's part two.

Jun 2th - Me and my children had a good conversation. Karsten went back on his old routine, telling a joke about little Mike having sex with sheep. It is a good joke, we all laughed at it, and it doesn't bother me at all that the joke is "Mike has sex with sheep" and is only joke he knows. Then Kitty and I played word association. I think that he has associated the word "teletubby" with "neighbour" 54 times before. That doesn't matter! It still is an interesting comparison to make. Michael, as usual, tried to start a conversation about newest decisions president Bush has made, but we howled and throwed tomatoes at him until he retreated behind the door.

Jun 5th - I dropped off at police office, which I disapprove of on general basis as another extension of police state, to complain about lawnuar harassment those two Überstürmführers next door had committed, and as I was starting to leave, I heard someone complaining - can you believe this, diary? - about me! Apparently, she disapproved of how I raised my children and called my home "hotbed of anarchy and terrorism that had befell our neighbourhood." What nerve! What uptightness! Our house takes care of it's own business and nothing else! Why, we've been barely noticeable! Ooh, if I wasn't so involved with showing those Wermacht soldiers, I would have given him a piece of my mind.

Jun 7th - What a group of Teletubbies! Last night, Karsten and Kitty installed a banner reading "WELCOME TO THE GREATER REICH OF THIS HOUSE" on top of their building, and they still haven't dared to take it off! Maybe they are proud of their apparent national socialism, those Il Duce clones, those.

Jun 10th - Ah! My exact replicas of costumes those people are wearing just were finished. When Karsten and Mike wore those little suits, with dash of make-up applied, they looked just like that 'man' next door. And they sounded just like him, too, when I sent them to sell porn and crack to children of local playground. Let's see if anyone likes those two after this!

Jun 13th - Michael is becoming more and more intolerable. This time, he came to me and said that I was far too pre-occupied with that couple next door. Pre-occupied! Me! I care about nothing than our house. Those Gestapo agents mean nothing to me. Just a trifle presence. Dear diary, would you say that I care about anything more or less than safety of our house? I thought so, I thought so. I swear, one more crack like that from my control freak husband and...

Jun 16th - Some people were apparently visiting those fascists. Idea that some innocent people would be influenced by those neighbourtubbies is intolerable, so I decided to drop a visit myself. I silenced the master (Master Racist, I would say!) of the forum with string of obscenities, which you probably can't use in house like this, and then presented what I thought to be a thoughtful case of why they should visit my house of freedom and liberty instead. I wonder why they turned me down? I guess that some totalitarians just can't be cured. That couple finally kicked me out, after some time. What nerve! Kicking people out is definitely not freedom. IT IS NOT FREEDOM! Another mark of their Stalinism, methinks.

Jun 20th - Well, dear diary, I guess this is it. Michael flat out said that I was wrong and I was the reason of all the trouble my household has been going through. He's became another one of tyrannic brigade, in other words. I showed him the door, of course. He can't come back to this house, and that's final. This house is house of liberty, not house of dictatorshiplike attitudes. Oh well, diary, I guess it is just me and my children now, caring about our house, living in freedom, and generally not caring about lives of others, unlike some Franconistas I could name around here.

[Bosh]

The BAM series were hysterical, but they were off off topic.

*bows*

Then the mad ferret frottage and the civnation diaries (by Laz right?) were amazing...

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

It's amazing what you find on your hard drive. First, the post that inspired it- author Master A Speer.

(Note- some names have been changed and others left out)
I wasnt going to go down today... the recent things with lee ann caused me to not want to come... i told jackie that... but she insisted and begged that i should come down as soon as i could... i told her i'd be there at 7:00 pm... after all, she's my good friend and she always says how i'm one of her best friends and how that means so much to her... she used to like me, too...
Well so I came down there, and I got off the buss at around 7:05. There was rebecca, the girl that introduced me to her neighbourhood... She told me that lee ann was with two of her friends who were nearby. She led me up to them... after greetings, we then started walking down to the road that conencts the neighbourhood to the main road (where the bus-stop is)...
The road itself is quite gravely and pebbled as it was made through a little forrested region, the forests replaced by a few houses. Continuing down, there is a paved road... i didnt get that far...
Two guys came up... pretty short.. probably like 5 feet tall... Rebecca and Lee ann and her friends stood there, then Rebecca vanished and it was just lee ann and her friends with these two guys who started talking **** to me
They started to ask why the **** was i threatening ed... they said they heard i was gonna stab him.. i said i only threatened to beat him up and that was it... and i didnt have a prob with ed anymore... i said that like two weeks ago... i didnt care about ed anymore, especially since he was no longer going with lee ann... put these two guys kept on insisting... suddenly, i heard footsteps on the gravel....
I turn around and i see five guys coming up from the neighboruhood... more ****ing skaters... i turn back to the two and see four more guys coming down from the main road, behind the two...
the skaters surrounded me, lee ann and her friends just standing there, seemingly oblivious to what was going on...
surrounded, i quickly tried to come up with a way to get out of a fight... i told them that i didnt care about ed and i wasnt going to fight him, but they ****ing threatened me, saying what if i was rumbled right ****ing there?
two or more skaters came up from the town as well as a normal guy named Dave (jackie's ex-bf) and some girl i never saw before...
suddenly, a pebble hit me... it was followed by another and another... suddenly a large rock struck my back... suddenly, a white thing wizzed by me from one of lee ann's friends... this girl... whoever she was... struck one of the skaters, who said he wanted to beat her up as well as me...
Dave then went up and told the skaters to back off from me, but the two guys who first confronted me, told me to start following them down to their neighbourhood... i did... following them down from the groval to the paved neighbourhood streets...
one of the girls i never saw before went to me and asked me why i didnt fight... suddenly, Danny (a ****ing 18 year old skater with a ****ing kid) pushed me as he walked by... the girl said, you just gonna take that?dont be a *****... dont worry... you can take him... Dave, who over heard, told me not to bother and to leave right now, cause he didnt want to see me get beat up...
but i followed and went up to dan, asking him why the **** he pushed me... he said cause he ****ing didnt like me and he wanted to ****ing beat my ass... with fifteen guys near him, surrounding me, i couldnt do any ****.. they started walkign away and i followed them down furether into the centre of the ****ing neighbourhood...
then they stopped in the middle of the street, dan leaning against a parked car on the street side... going on the side-walk, this kid named Jake went to me and tried to understand the situation... the initial confrontation was at the front of his house... he told me that i shoudl leave cause i had no chance...
then suddenlyt one of the skaters got the bright idea that i may have a knife... i did... my swiss army knife that i always carry.. they told me to take out the **** from my pockets... i pulled out the knife... Dan shouted i had a knife and ran to his house, saying he was going to bring his own knife... a real knife from his ****ing knife colleciton....
Jake said he'd walk down to the bus stop with me and make sure nothing happened... realizing that i would soon get attacked by a guy with a knife who had the support of twenty-five or so skaters... i decided to agree and started to walk away... dave joined in and they told me to not come down here again unless i wanted to get my ass beat... Andy, a 17 year old, who wanted to beat me up as much as dan... followed, shouting curses at me... dvae left... but jake continued on to teh bus-stop, telling me that lee ann aint worth all this ****...
we got to the bus stop and he shook my hand, telling me i did good and not to come down again or i'll get my ass beat... as he walked away, he suddenly turned around and said he was gonna stay... the next second... i saw dan with five guys coming down to us...
dan told me he wanted to fight me and i was a ***** not to... i knew he had a knife and he had five guys with him... he said he wanted to fight me in the pit... an area of the park behind the bus stop along the road where gang fights and random beatings often took place... jake told me to not to do it... the bus then started coming down... Jake said quietly, "just get on the bus..." i listened and took a step up to the bus... dan started cursing at me... i turned around and put my middle finger up to them as the doors closed and sat down and left....
i learned something else... jackie asked me to come down... she was playing with me... all this time tricking me...

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

....which caused me to post this.

Speer's love life Part XXVII- Philly Ferret Frottage

I've decided that we really can't wait for the next gripping instalment of the saga that has held the world entranced for months, so we might as well write it ourselves. In case people aren't familiar with the plot, a brief summary is included. Some names have be changed, ommitted or added for a laugh.

Albert Speer is a young gentlemen from the States who values the good old-fashioned virtues of impeccable manners, morality, casual fascism and threatening people with knives. Albert loves Lee-Ann, and is himself loved by Lee-Ann's best friend, Ann-Lee. However, Ann-Lee used to be best friends with Lee-Lee before meeting Lee-Ann, and lost touch with Lee-Lee for several years. Lee-Lee recently moved back to Philly with her new boyfriend Bobby-Lee and was reunited with Ann-Lee and Lee-Ann. They started hanging out with Bobby-Lee's ex-girlfriend, Ann-Ann. Ann-Ann is a Giant Panda.

Lee-Lee suggested inviting round Lee-Bobby, Billy-Bob, Bob-Billy, Billy-Billy and Sue-Billy for a midnight barbecue. However, Ann-Bobby suspects that Billy-Lee and Lee-Ann skipped the Buffalo wings starter and went straight for the Bearded Clam Dip. Ann-Bobby confronted Lee-Bobby with her suspicions, but was informed that Billy-Lee in fact loves Bobby-Lee whilst pretending to be best friends with Bobby-Ann in order to win over Lee-Lee and Billy-Sue.

At this point, things started to get a little complicated. Billy-Billy, Bobby-Billy and Billy-Bob are all skaters, but are cruelly frustrated by the fact that the sidewalks of Philly haven't frozen over in months. The blades of their skates just scrape into the concrete and they have been immobilised since early March. Lee-Billy managed to get moving briefly last May, though the shower of sparks that flew from his skates sparked off a major fire in the trailer-park that burnt out the homes of Billy-Bob-Billy and Billy-Billy-Bob. It also destroyed the famous statue of the city's founder, "Philly" Billy-Billy-Bob.

Chronically depressed by this inadvertant act of municipal desecration, Lee-Billy turned to drugs in a big way. His skater cronies would have helped him, but were helpless until the next heavy frost. However, he later became entangled in a satanic plot with Billy-Lee, and was discovered in incriminating circumstances with Bob-Billy, Billy-Billy and a billy-goat. Lee-Ann was furious with Billy-Lee for failing to put a stop to the sacrifice, as well as his unrequited passion for Bobby-Lee, so she made another clam dip but shared it with Billy-Ann and Billy-Bob. She would have shared it with Ann-Ann as well, but Ann-Ann only eats tender young bamboo shoots.

Ann-Lee revealed all this to Lee-Lee, partly because she was concerned for Lee-Ann's health, but mainly because she thought it would be good for a laugh. However, Lee-Lee is only pretending to be friends with Ann-Lee and Lee-Ann in order to get into the pants of Bob-Billy. Bob-Billy, on the other hand, is ****ging both Ann-Bob and Lee-Bob. In order to arouse the passions of Ann-Bob, thus critically unbalancing the tri-sexual love triangle, Lee-Lee told Albert (remember him?) of the entire saga, yet crucially omitting the presence of Billy-Bob in the hope that Albie-Bert (as he shall henceforth be known) would use his reknowned diplomacy and courtly good manners to bring the entire cast neatly goose-stepping into a new era of order that would last a thousand years.

However, much to Lee-Lee's horror, Albie-Bert went completely ****ing ape****.


[At this point Laz & the G, who has turned a pale shade of blue, takes a deep, shuddering breath, and screams........]

SOMEONE TAKE IT FROM HERE!!!!!!!

I've cut down on the amphetamines since then.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

....and later in the thread this emerged.

THE ALBERT SPEER POST GENERATOR!!! (beta version)

"[insert name here] loves [insert name here] , but [insert name here] has just broken up with [insert name here] and doesn't want to get heavily involved. However, [insert name here] is the best friend of [insert name here] and hangs out with [insert name here] all the time, usually accompanied by [insert name here] and [insert name here] .

[insert name here] revealed to [insert name here] that [insert name here] did [insert sexual act here] with [insert name here]. [insert name here] promised not to tell anyone, but later told [insert name here] . Unfortunately [insert name here] was only pretending to be best friends with [insert name here] in order to [insert sexual act here] with [insert name here]. [insert name here] naturally never suspected a thing, particularly seeing as [insert name here] was already [insert sexual act here] with [insert name here].

[insert name here] was getting annoyed with [insert name here] who had threatened to [insert act of violence here] [insert name here] if [insert name here] ever [insert sexual act] with [insert name here] again. In order to get back at [insert name here], [insert name here] [insert sexual act involving livestock here] with [insert name here] . [insert name here] understandably freaked out, particular as he already falsely suspected [insert name here] of [insert sexual act here] with [insert name here] , [insert name here] , [insert name here] and [insert name here] . [insert name here] followed them into town that night intending to [insert act of violence here] all of them. However [insert name here] was surrounded by [insert name here] , [insert name here] , [insert a reference to "skaters"here] and [insert name here] .

Thank you.

[Insert vaguely portentous, yet stupefyingly pompous quote here]"


Then all you need to do is make up a few names like "Eddie", "Shelly", "Joe" and "Mao". Add a few sexual references like "went to third base" (an expression utterly lost on an Englishman. Substitute "pulled off a spectacular sliding tackle" instead?), "gave head" or "performed a lengthy session of felching on a particularly reluctant badger", plus a few acts of violence like "threatened with a knife" or "lightly spanked in a firm, yet flirtatious manner", and you've got a story.

With a spot of basic HTML, we could turn it into a website, and the story of Albert's love life could run for years and years. Who's up for it?

There is a place for courtly wit, but I've always preferred pure character assassination.

[Stefu]

Yes, the Philly Ferret Frottage was a pure masterpiece. A pure masterpiece.

Too bad Albert's not posting about his love life anymore. Now he's just posting those odious... well... Speer posts, which usually amount to "Can't we all just get along in goose-stepping to the government?" He hasn't even talked about how much he hates nerds.

Say, does anyone still have the Giancarlo Bingo?

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Nope. It's gone from my mailbox. However I have found the AH interview that got MarkG banned from ACOL.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

I found this as well. I've absolutely no memory of writing it but it's definitely my style. Presumabaly it ended up here.

Voulez-vous pot-hole avec moi ce soir?

In case it's not international news (it should have, because it's hilarious in a cruel kind of way), rescuers in France are currently battling through 400 metres of labyrinthine and waterlogged caves in order to rescue eight student cavers who have been trapped there for over 48 hours by rising water levels. Cave divers have located them currently alive and fairly well in an air pocket, and are frantically trying to pump out water to keep them alive while they try to work out how to get them out.

While I was still at school, my maths teacher (a charmless man who suffered from cancer of the sense of humour) went pot-holeing and got stuck in a head-down squeeze. A tiny trickle of water started building up behind him, and it took the cave rescue teams of three counties 12 hours with a pneumatic drill and an air line to keep him alive and get him out.

Now caving, or pot-holeing, is a sport enjoyed by thousands of people. My question is a simple one- what the **** is wrong with these people? I know that a hint of danger can liven up a sport, but where the bugger is the glamour in potentially dying a slow and lingering death from starvation or hypothermia, or drowning face-down and wedged in a trickle of sheep-**** polluted water? What the hell drives anyone to don a Gore-Tex cagoule and tatty lycra tights, and cram themself down an orifice the size of a shrew's japs-eye? Is it the sexual frisson of wedging your face into a place where it'll never be extracted without the assistance of a crowbar?

The only possible motivation I can see for attempting to enter a damp, dangerous and deeply inhospitable shaft is a deep-seated Freudian desire to have sex with your grandmother's corpse. These people are a danger to themselves and to the overall level of sanity in the world, and I propose that they all be given the treatment they obviously need. Or get beaten senseless with a brick- I'm not greatly bothered either way.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

This is brilliant. It's like being a spectator at your own autopsy.

Battle of the things!

Have you ever found yourself arguing with friends about "What's best"? Here's the solution!

You are joining the ongoing struggle to decide what is the greatest thing on earth! After the preliminary rounds, 64 "things" are still in contention.
Each must battle another remaining "thing". Your votes will decide the victor! Simply view the matches below and decide which things are best in each heat!

1- Football v Jealousy.
2- Shoes v Plastic.
3- Moss v Religion.
4- Amnesia v Chunky knitwear.
5- Plaster-of-Paris v Existentialism.
6- Calculus v Brazil.
7- Badgers v The past. (The past was originally defeated in the previous round but the result was reversed after Instant coffee failed a blood test. An appeal is pending.)
8- Martin Luther King v Kettles.
9- Pert buttocks v The European Coal and Steel Community.
10- Iambic Pentameter v Tropical hardwood.
11- Love v Dreams. (Billed as a grudge match).
12- The US Republican Party v Cheese.
13- Arguments v Sunsets.
14- The Iomega Zip drive v Freckles.
15- Urban lifestyles v ABBA.
16- The Vorticist movement v Jam.
17- April 4th 1988 v The smell of leather. (The long-awaited re-match!)
18- Magazines v Isolationist foreign policies.
19- Irish Theme Pubs v The "G Spot". (To be screened on HBO next Thursday!).
20- Puberty v Envelopes.
21- Personal organisers v Rizlas.
22- Apathy v Osmium.
23- Mugs v Interior decor.
24- Tomorrow v A small lemming called "Colin".
25- Arson v Orthodontistry.
26- UFO conspiracy theories v Bristol Rovers FC.
27- The Van Allen Belt v Carpets (Carpets received a "bye" on the last round.)
28- Benazir Bhutto v Cravats.
29- Monsoon season v A plague of boils (a real meeting of dark horses here.)
30- Sea World, Florida v The Big Bang theory.
31- Tequila v Hip replacement surgery.
32- The B52 Stratofortress v Ghent.

Remember- your votes count. Let's get a final decision! Commentators on individual bouts also required.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

One by the true master.

By the poster once known as Evan von Christoph.

I AM NOT GAY!

I have been decieved and tricked by homosexuals and God knows who else about this.

They were able to twist and invert my once irrational homophobia and have now ruined my life as a result.

I had to switch logins as the credibility and entertainment value of my other login is ruined also related to this.

I am a National Socialist and my political ideology does not agree with homosexuality as it is deviant behavior.

The last year of my life has been the worst I have ever had, I was even put in the hospital to avoid suicide (and I'm atheist that is supposed to fear death).

I have done nothing but lose friends and gain harassment and bigotry (deserved).

I was mentally stable before all this, but now I have been to psychiatric ward twice now and am on bullsh*t medication by problems that didn't exist until I believed this lie. My old therapist said I was fine years before all this started and now my current one thinks I am crazy (though he won't dare say it); I am crazy with stress.

My life has taken a significant turn for the worst shortly after meeting every homosexual (in real life or online). Ranging from having false criminal allegations placed upon me to having friends die. Coincidence I think not.

My dreams and ambitions have been crushed by these lies, I shall never recover what will be required to reach them again thanks to the destructiveness of this lie!

I am furious ( I don't think you can comprehend how angry I am)!

I had everything going for me, until this gay lie destroyed my life! I am lucky I caught it before it went any farther then it did.



My life has hit rock bottom, and all because of this lie.

If I was religious I would think this happened to me as punishment from God, as many of you know the various negative perceptions of God's opinion on homosexuals (not that it matters as God doesn't exist).

Homosexuals thought they could manipulate a threat like me away, well they almost did, but not now.

The next stupid person in my offline life that brings up this issue with me will have bloody face!

Anyone here think I am unjustified in the way I feel please say, or if you are too cowardly here to do so then PM me.

-----------------------------------------------------

The Homosexual Agenda:

I have learned various characteristics that are quite disturbing:

• Homosexuals often prey upon insecure and confused teens trying to convert others to their ways (I have seen this happen and also have experienced this).

• Homosexuals often claim that what they want is equal rights where in fact it is special rights that they are seeking. Just by the statistics alone homosexuality is deviant behavior, anyone suggesting that deviant behavior should be treated like the norm is advocating special treatment (ie: special rights).

• They like liberals try to force tolerance of their actions by manipulating the minds of potential enemies with guilt (ie political correctness).

• Their supposed winning argument is that their actions are based upon love therefore should be tolerated even though it is deviant behavior. This is equivalent to the requests of individuals for the legalization of drugs (as they don't hurt anyone directly).

• Based on statistics from AIDS deaths (though not caused by homosexuals) and gay teen suicides I say that homosexuality is a paramount problem.

• New scientific studies suggest that homosexuals can change their orientation if done right. Though some of them are baseless religious brain washing.

• Drug therapy (and gene therapy for prevention) is in the works to treat this disease (still a disease even though it seems relatively harmless).

• It was not until the gay lobby was able to organize enough power that homosexuality was taken off the list of mental disorders, therefore valuable help was lost with this event.

• The argument will then be brought up that is a biological fact like left handed people. Left handed people are deviants and if we had the technology to fix it we would. Left handed people also face discrimination and inability to perform tasks (much in comparison to homosexuals inability to produce offspring traditionally).

• There are laws in existence to prevent deviant behavior that is deemed destructive like many of the Sodomy laws. But homosexuals are trying to rid them to make themselves feel accepted even though these laws are based on moral standards set by the state based upon religion. When a society begins to chip away at its moral standards than it will soon be lost into an abyss of immorality.

"Tolerance of evil is how good will fall!" -- Evan von Christoph

Evan is a god. I miss him.

[Stefu]

Visionary! Prophet!

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

A recent one.

New!- "Can you hack it?" Fantasy Flame League.

HOW TO PLAY

"Can you hack it?" is a fantasy flame league game. The idea of the game is to predict what accusations moominparatrooper will level at other posters, and the justification (if any) used for any accusations.

Each player can buy up to a total of five combined accusations and justifications, with at least one of each.

Each player is allocated a budget of £20.00 to purchase selections.

Accusations, justifications and their prices are listed below. Once you have selected your "team", please post your choices to be entered in the Apolyton League.

Scores will be collated weekly. Some weeks may be busier than others- it all depends on moomintrooper's medication levels for the week and whether he's been wrapping his electrical equipment in bacofoil to block out the messages from the CIA again.

ACCUSATIONS

1- "You are a racist" (£10.00)
2- "You are a communist" (£8.00)
3- "You are a pervert" (£7.00)
4- "You smell" (£6.00)
5- "You've got one of those bellybuttons that stick out, you freak" (£5.50)
6- "You molest cattle" (£5.00)
7- "You are the Antichrist" (£4.50)
8- "You killed JFK" (£3.00)
9- "You've got a camera in my head that watches everything I do. Aaaaaaaah. Leave me alone" (£2.00)
10- "R'gnais ywr mk'ratt! Cthulhu! Cthulhu!" (£1.50)

JUSTIFICATIONS

A- (None whatsoever) (£18.00)
B- "You criticised Ariel Sharon's policies" (£15.00)
C- "You said you don't object to paying taxes" (£8.00)
D- "You used the word "schism" at one point" (£6.00)
E- "I hate you. I hope you fall in a big pile of poo" (£5.00)
F- "When I was young, a big dog barked at me and I was very frightened" (£3.00)
G- "I've got a big collection of commemorative towels"- (£3.00)
H- "No. Please don't lock me in the cupboard again. Plese. No." (£2.00)
I- "I have been sent to earth to save you all" (£1.50)
J- (A rhythmic, banging noise, caused by a head gently banging on a wall) (£1.00)

SCORING

3 points if one of your accusations or justifications is used. A bonus of 5 points is paid if one of you selections directly leads to moominparatrooper getting a ban, or getting called "Funny Mr Poo-head" by another poster.

PRIZES

There aren't any. Grow up.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Old traumas.

I was a teenage septic filthmonger

Oh sweet Jesus...

Here's the background details. In my kitchen I have a large built-in cupboard under the stairs. Like most such cupboards it doubles up as a larder/junk bin. I started out by just keeping potatoes and root veg in there, but also over time added gardening tools, DIY equipment and other bits and pieces. After a few years this came to include half empty pots of paint, varnish, stiff brushes and rags and all sorts of paraphernalia related to my aquarium and pet rats. Crucially, my wife also hoarded hundreds of plastic bags (she's a hoarder- we have cupboards full of all the old slippers she had as a kid and loads of other mementoes/manky old crap).

Over time those plastic bags have slipped to the floor and formed a sort of impromptu linoleum, presumably sponsored by Tesco's. This in itself wouldn't have been too bad, but I'd long suspected that other "things" had taken cover under the bags and were quietly creating some sort of horrorshow on the floor. Safely covered by near-airtight plastic, where it's warm, dark and safe...

It's one of those jobs you keep meaning to do but never quite get around to. I estimate that the last time I saw the cupboard floor was about three years ago. Over the past few weeks I've noticed an odd smell, but I'd blamed it on the rats. That all changed this morning when I decided to start varnishing my windows. I safely retrieved my brushes from the cupboard but suspected that my sandpaper had slipped to the floor. Whistling a merry tune, I pulled up a handful of plastic bags....

I have to confess that my first reaction was a sudden flashback to the works of H.P Lovecraft. What I saw was a tar-like mass of sticky black matter that was actually moving as hundreds of juvenile spiders made a panic-stricken escape bid. The stench was incredible- a sort of sickly-sweet acrid sledgehammer smashing into my sinuses and throat. After spending a few minutes squealing like an excitable schoolgirl I started giggling hysterically. Now I've got a really strong stomach, but my wife hasn't and within seconds of sticking her head around the door she started retching.

The next hour was appalling. First I emptied the cupboard (removing, among other items, an espresso machine and a doughnut maker. How they got there is probably some sort of quirk of reality unless some sick pervert with an "Innovations" catalogue is breaking into my house). Then I peeled away all the goo that hadn't completely liquefied. During this episode I came to the conclusion that the primordial soup I was kneeling in consisted of rotting spuds and onions, rotting rat food, dead and larval insects, a nourishing sprinkling of rat poos, and creosote. I'm told that I kept I kept squealing like Miss Mouse on her wedding night as each new horror emerged. Next I hunted down all the spiders, which were a strange and incredibly spindly variety I've never seen before. Whilst doing so my wife managed to break the vacuum cleaner- Dysons just don't stand up to being dropped on a tiled floor whilst the user is running away screaming from a spider making a "death or glory" run for it.

Finally I was left with just a sticky brown stain on the floor. I imagine you'd find similar stains on the floor after a body has been left in a warm apartment for a few years. This got blasted with bleach and every other random chemical I could prise the lid off. In doing so I think that a few reacted with each other in strange ways- in fact I think I may have breached the Geneva Convention.

Now it's done. The cost in financial terms is about £150 for a new vacuum cleaner and about £10 in cleaning fluids. The cost in terms of emotional trauma cannot be measured, but I think I'm now scared of the dark and may take up bedwetting.

I need a very stiff drink.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Aha! Found it.

The Secret Diary of CivNation- aged 13 3/4

Dec 20th- My parents have put up a Christmas tree and are currently decorating it with tinsel. Why can't they see that the true path to Jesus is not through symbols but through the salvation of the Bible? I urged them to put aside their vile filth and see that their only hope is to embrace the purity and simplicity of Christ Jesus, but they sent me to my room. Wretched damned souls that they are.

Dec 21st- A group of Carol Singers from the local parish church knocked on the door. They managed to knock off a few verses of "Silent Night" before I likened them to the moneylenders before the temple and threw stones at them. They wish to destroy me, because all of them are of their father the devil, and seek to do his bidding.

Dec 24th- My family have gone to the midnight mass. I offered to join them, but they feared that I would accuse the vicar of being a false prophet again. One day he will see the error of his ways, turn his back on the congregation and find salvation in the true gospel of Our Lord.

Dec 25th- A parcel has appeared at the end of my bed. It is wrapped in colourful paper with ribbons. I shall not be tempted by their lustful offering. I shall spend the day sticking pins into my nipples to remind me of Christ's suffering.

Jan 17th- I have decided to open the whore's gift. It appears to be some sort of computer game by the name of "Civilisation 2" which involves recreating history. Obviously this is a foul mockery of Our Lord's great gift of creation. I informed my parent's that I had opened their gift and would bear witness to their eternal damnation.
Bah. Grounded again.

Apr 4th- Strange hairs are growing on my body. I pray to the Lord for guidance, and decide I must punish my sinful flesh more. Spend the rest of the day hitting myself in the face with a brick.

May 14th- I have decided that this "Civilisation 2" may have it's uses. I shall create a band of good , God-fearing Christians and lead them to salvation. In this small way I shall help advance the course of The Lord, as well as learning how this might be achieved in the real world.

May 17th- WRETCHED UNBELIEVERS! THEY WILL NOT BUILD CHURCHES! Instead they keep trying to research Polytheism. I will not have my people lapping at the foul loins of witchcraft and paganism! They shall find salvation through the Bible or they shall rot in their damnation through all history. Unspeakable heathens!

May 29th- Have finished my first Civ 2 game, and gained the title "CivNation the Unbelievably Crap." My people rebelled constantly. They shall bend to the will of The Lord or they shall be broken.

June 1st.- The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day. Oh God, we'll pay for this.

July 22nd- I have spent the day perusing some tips on how best to use the Civilisation 2 programme. According to the guide, it states that Colosseums can make more people happier than Cathedrals. I have written to Sid Meier pointing out this error in his programming.

July 25th- Recent news reports have told the story of a group of Theology students who are attempting to raise over one million dollars for charity by carryiong a huge cross all the way to Jerusalem. Today their route took them through my neighbourhood, and I was able to denounce them as idolators before stoning them.

July 26th- The police have elected not to press charges and I was released today. Like Daniel, I have shown the strength of true faith in adversity. Returned home to find a reply from Mr Meier who claimed that my observation was an intentional feature of the game. Since he has judged himself unworthy of eternal life, and does not wish to have wisdom imparted unto him, I will now turn elsewhere and leave him to his condemnation.
God have mercy upon his soul.

Aug 12th- Several of the boys in my class have girlfriends. I do not. I have offered on several occasions to explain to girls why they are condemned by their lusts and will rot in damnation unless they embrace the scripture, but none will go on a date with me. The reason why they hate me is because they do not want to be a covenant keeper and submit to the Word of God. Because I oppose The Beast, he controls them and causes them to despise Christ and all of his messengers, including me.

Sept 28th- I have decided that, according to the doctrine of predestination, further playing of Civ 2 is pointless as God will decide which of the players will succeed, and their every act will be irresistably driven by His Will. To attempt to change this inevitability would be a heresy, and I must inform all Civ 2 players of their damnation immediately. To achieve this aim, I have decided to visit the Word of Our Lord upon a site called Apolyton. Truly, the unbelievers gathered there will fall down and bless me for showing them the light of the Scriptures.

Sept 29th.- Oh! I've been banned.