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First, I gotta say that there are a gazillion workable approaches to the whole notion of meeting women and striking up conversations and friendships with them. Probably, there'll be a lot of other opinions posted here that differ from my own thoughts in a number of significant ways, and that's cool.....the hope though, is that some of you shy guys out there who find the prospect of just walking up to a complete stranger (who also happens to be a postively *stunning* woman) and striking up a conversation with her may find something of value here.
Oh...I dunno...some of the comments today in the BW's poll got me thinking. I'm not a smooth operator, or even a particularly good looking guy. Average on all counts. What I do know is that if I want a date for any given weekend, I generally have little trouble setting one up, and it strikes me that that's the sort of skill that some of our shy posters might find of interest/value, so I figured I'd start by posting some of the things (techinques?) I do/use.
Two Guiding Principles:
First of all....flirting is a game. It's a delicious, delightful, light-hearted game played between two (or more) people. Sure, it can lead to lasting friendships, steamy relationships, and a whole host of other interesting things in between, but the act of flirting itself is a harmless game that's played almost universally.
Second...and this one is by far the most important. Honesty. Be honest in your dealings with women, and how you make use of the stuff posted here. Primarily because it's the right thing to do, and secondarily, because women have an uncanny knack for discerning dishonesty, and are generally displeased when they discover they've been lied to. It comes as no great surprise that a woman who discovers she's been lied to is....not the most pleasant creature to be around, so it's generally best to avoid that whole situation right from the start. Be honest and forthright, and you'll avoid a great many pitfalls right off the bat.
Getting started:
Before we even get to the part where we start talking about talking to women, we gotta work on YOU. Focus is important here, so pay attention.
Think about YOU. Like everybody else, you've got strong points and weak points. For the moment, forget the weak points and focus exclusively on the strong points. There's gotta be something about you that your friends tell you makes you stand out. Your voice. Your eyes. Your talent at drawing. Writing music. Singing. Writing. Whatever. There's gotta be something.
If there's not something, all stop. FIND something. Develop a skill or talent that you're naturally interested in. Sure, it might take a few weeks, or even a few months, but it's important groundwork, and you'll see why later.
Second, READ! Read everything. You wanna know a little bit about a lot of stuff. Enough to hold a conversation on most any topic. And, since you can't know in advance what you may find yourself talking about, your best bet is to absorb a bit of everything. Not only does this make you a more well-rounded invidual in general, but it makes carrying on a sustained conversation MUCH easier (and we'll get to that later).
So....that's the first step. Work on you. Identify what one or more of your strong points are, and begin honing them. Sharpening them. Practice making use of them. And second, read about any and everything that's even vaguely interesting to you. Remember, flirting is a game, and like any game, it can be broken down into rules and strategies...so this is the supply phase....you're gearing up to go play, and you gotta be well rested and well supplied to have success!
Once you have identified one or more strong points about YOU, and once you've taken to practicing using them, you gotta have a way of transferring that into the world around you. Gotta have a way of showing it off in a low key manner (or an outlandish manner, but if you're shy, then that's prolly not your cup of tea). For graphic artists and writers, that prolly means getting in the habit of carrying a sketch pad or notebook around with you. Something small that won't get in your way. FIND a way to make it work. In a word, I'm talking about props. Something tanible you can bring/carry with you that shows off your talents.
If you're a smoker, always bring plenty of smokes (and bring a lighter too, but put it in your "off" pocket....you'll find out why later).
Bring about twice as much money as you think you'll need, or a credit card. The last thing you wanna worry about if whether you have enough money for the evening, and that's a problem easily solved.
So....you're out there...in the club...and there she is. OMG she's beautiful. But....she's surrounded by all her friends and she just seems so totally unapproachable.
She's not. Believe me, she's not, and here are a number of very casual ice breakers you can use to start up a conversation:
1) Eye contact. Big, HUGE deal. Women LIKE to be acknowledged. They ENJOY having their presence noted. Why the hell do you think she wore that skimpy skirt and low cut blouse? To be INVISIBLE!?! Hell no....she wants to be noticed as an attractive woman....and if you're interested in talking to her, then you obviously noticed, so let her know that. It's as simple as making eye contact and nodding/smiling.
2) Be busy. 'member your sketch pad/notebook? Your props? Look at her longingly for a moment, and then start sketching/writing about her and smiling to yourself. Or, if you and she are smokers, pull out a cig and ask her for a light. (of course you've got a lighter, but she doesn't know that, and it's a totally natural way to start up a conversation...."'scuse me...can I grab a light from you" --she hands you the lighter/lights it for you - you're smiling, she's smiling....the opportunity is suddenly there) If you're not a smoker but have your trusty sketch pad/notebook near you, simply ask: "so...what do you think of this?" (show her what you're working on). Poof....insta conversation. I once had three women come up and start conversations with ME simply by twirling my lit ciggarette between my fingers....doesn't matter what you're doing, just don't be sitting there looking like a miserable lump, you know! Miserable lumps aren't interesting!
3) Compliments: *Something* about this woman drew your attention, but contrary to popular belief, most women are NOT mind readers, so how 'bout telling her exactly what it was....and be nice about it. I'd heartily recommend *against* making a comment like "Wow! couldn't help but notice those enormous knockers you have!" but something along the lines of "My God....you look stunning in that dress." is a decent way to convey the same general idea....lol (examples: Tia and BW are (or strike me as being) delightfully feisty women on the board....and I love talking to them and watching their antics on various threads ('specially the venom shop thread!).....that's enthralling to me....and a heckuva lot of fun. OH....I have no doubt they can be serious when they wanna be, but if I was gonna seriously start flirting with either of them, I'd start bein' feisty right along with 'em!)
4) Have something to say after that! Soooo often, guys will do the whole get the girl's attention thing, they'll give a compliment, and then drop the ball right then and there. That's a shame....too bad, really, cos if you've prepared properly, you should have no shortage of stuff to talk about....remember, you're up on your current events, and you may have brought a prop or two with you (sketch pad, favorite book, etc), so USE that! "Do you like poetry? Really? Hmmm...well, I'd love to get your opinion on some of the stuff I've been jotting down tonight." And if you DO have a prop with you, GIVE it to her!!!
5) Casual contact. Yeah, I know, with all the sexual harassment junk flying around, people are almost afraid to touch at all, but the fact is, casual physical contact is HUGE. It demonstrates to the lady in question that she can trust you not to grope her to death. LOL...'member the aforementioned lighter if you're a smoker. The whole purpose for you not using your lighter is twofold: a) it gives you an easy "in" where conversation is concerned, and b) it allows your hands to brush together for a second. That's huge! Never underestimate the power of casual physical contact.
6) Openness. This is another biggie, and especially powerful if you've brought some sort of prop with you. GIVE it to the woman in question, and consider what that says about you. Here she is, nearly a complete stranger to you, and yet, you are so totally open with yourself that you're giving her....completely turning over to her something that's obviously a very big part of who you are. That's....almost too huge to even contemplate, and it sends a very strong unspoken message. It also leads to MORE casual physical contact, cos after she looks through your sketch book or notepad for a moment, it's very easy to slide closer and say, "here...lemme show you one of my favorites from tonight" Poets, you're in luck here, cos bars are generally LOUD places, and you might find yourself "having" to lean in close and whisper one of them to the lady in question....LOL...the tragedy of it all....
7) Approaching women in groups: These days, very few women go out alone, and a GROUP of women can be utterly terrifying if you're already shy to start with.....best thing is to single one of them out, and focus all your attention on her. Once you get INTO the group (per above), watch the women in the group, and gradually shift your focus if needs be to the one you percieve as being most interested in you (but as always, be polite about it!).
8) Separation: Getting the woman/women you're interested in OUT of wherever you are and into quieter surroundings is the next big step. After all, flirting is all about conversation, and you can't very well hold a conversation if you're screaming at each other over the din of loud music, so once you've broken the ice...once you've spent a bit of time getting "into" the group, or gaining the attention of the lady in question, recommend a change of venue.
Perhaps it'll be an offer to buy the lady dessert, or coffee, or...who the hell knows what....the point is....somewhere quieter.
One thing I love using is my own interest in astronomy. On warm summer nights, it's very easy once you're talking to grab another beer and step outside to show off the constellations (plus, if the lady in question is unaccustomed to stargazing, you generally gotta stand behind her and outstretch her arm in yours to point up at the stars...more of that casual physical contact.....you could do a LOT worse than brushing up on your astronomy!).
9) Keeping the conversation flowing. Mostly, this amounts to listening well. Find out what sorts of things interest this lady you're talking to, and gravitate the conversation toward those things. This is the very reason you've read up on a variety of topics. Ask questions and keep making eye contact....Crucial!
10) Make fun of: Yourself, and especially other males in the bar....*specifically* make fun of cheesy pickup lines (note here that all evening long, you've not used a single cheesy pickup line...by now, the lady knows that's not your style....so poke fun of them! Once you get the lady to laugh, you've got her attention for the rest of the evening!) Several months ago, I used something like this to get a trio of ladies laughin....started talking about how silly pickup lines were....something to the effect that "I really didn't *get* the whole concept of using them, and then I set about making fun of the whole notion.....I let my eyes glaze over and pretended to be "the usual" guy, took a slug of my beer and slurred my voice and said: "Heyyyy baby....I'm a ....feces...what's your sign?"
Laughter all around, almost beer-thru-the-nose kinna laughter, and then nods of agreement that indicated they'd been on the recieving end of that kinna garbage all too often.
Thirty minutes later, we were having breakfast at IHOP....
Women like to laugh. They like to be paid attention to and taken seriously. They wanna know that you're interested in them for more than their bodies....and I've found that doing stuff like the above demonstrates that admirably to them. So....maybe nothing here will work for you....or maybe, just maybe you'll find something you can grab on to and run with....
-Good luck, happy flirting, and discuss!
-=Vel=-
(much more later, but that should be enough to get the discussion rolling!)
Oh...I dunno...some of the comments today in the BW's poll got me thinking. I'm not a smooth operator, or even a particularly good looking guy. Average on all counts. What I do know is that if I want a date for any given weekend, I generally have little trouble setting one up, and it strikes me that that's the sort of skill that some of our shy posters might find of interest/value, so I figured I'd start by posting some of the things (techinques?) I do/use.
Two Guiding Principles:
First of all....flirting is a game. It's a delicious, delightful, light-hearted game played between two (or more) people. Sure, it can lead to lasting friendships, steamy relationships, and a whole host of other interesting things in between, but the act of flirting itself is a harmless game that's played almost universally.
Second...and this one is by far the most important. Honesty. Be honest in your dealings with women, and how you make use of the stuff posted here. Primarily because it's the right thing to do, and secondarily, because women have an uncanny knack for discerning dishonesty, and are generally displeased when they discover they've been lied to. It comes as no great surprise that a woman who discovers she's been lied to is....not the most pleasant creature to be around, so it's generally best to avoid that whole situation right from the start. Be honest and forthright, and you'll avoid a great many pitfalls right off the bat.
Getting started:
Before we even get to the part where we start talking about talking to women, we gotta work on YOU. Focus is important here, so pay attention.
Think about YOU. Like everybody else, you've got strong points and weak points. For the moment, forget the weak points and focus exclusively on the strong points. There's gotta be something about you that your friends tell you makes you stand out. Your voice. Your eyes. Your talent at drawing. Writing music. Singing. Writing. Whatever. There's gotta be something.
If there's not something, all stop. FIND something. Develop a skill or talent that you're naturally interested in. Sure, it might take a few weeks, or even a few months, but it's important groundwork, and you'll see why later.
Second, READ! Read everything. You wanna know a little bit about a lot of stuff. Enough to hold a conversation on most any topic. And, since you can't know in advance what you may find yourself talking about, your best bet is to absorb a bit of everything. Not only does this make you a more well-rounded invidual in general, but it makes carrying on a sustained conversation MUCH easier (and we'll get to that later).
So....that's the first step. Work on you. Identify what one or more of your strong points are, and begin honing them. Sharpening them. Practice making use of them. And second, read about any and everything that's even vaguely interesting to you. Remember, flirting is a game, and like any game, it can be broken down into rules and strategies...so this is the supply phase....you're gearing up to go play, and you gotta be well rested and well supplied to have success!
Once you have identified one or more strong points about YOU, and once you've taken to practicing using them, you gotta have a way of transferring that into the world around you. Gotta have a way of showing it off in a low key manner (or an outlandish manner, but if you're shy, then that's prolly not your cup of tea). For graphic artists and writers, that prolly means getting in the habit of carrying a sketch pad or notebook around with you. Something small that won't get in your way. FIND a way to make it work. In a word, I'm talking about props. Something tanible you can bring/carry with you that shows off your talents.
If you're a smoker, always bring plenty of smokes (and bring a lighter too, but put it in your "off" pocket....you'll find out why later).
Bring about twice as much money as you think you'll need, or a credit card. The last thing you wanna worry about if whether you have enough money for the evening, and that's a problem easily solved.
So....you're out there...in the club...and there she is. OMG she's beautiful. But....she's surrounded by all her friends and she just seems so totally unapproachable.
She's not. Believe me, she's not, and here are a number of very casual ice breakers you can use to start up a conversation:
1) Eye contact. Big, HUGE deal. Women LIKE to be acknowledged. They ENJOY having their presence noted. Why the hell do you think she wore that skimpy skirt and low cut blouse? To be INVISIBLE!?! Hell no....she wants to be noticed as an attractive woman....and if you're interested in talking to her, then you obviously noticed, so let her know that. It's as simple as making eye contact and nodding/smiling.
2) Be busy. 'member your sketch pad/notebook? Your props? Look at her longingly for a moment, and then start sketching/writing about her and smiling to yourself. Or, if you and she are smokers, pull out a cig and ask her for a light. (of course you've got a lighter, but she doesn't know that, and it's a totally natural way to start up a conversation...."'scuse me...can I grab a light from you" --she hands you the lighter/lights it for you - you're smiling, she's smiling....the opportunity is suddenly there) If you're not a smoker but have your trusty sketch pad/notebook near you, simply ask: "so...what do you think of this?" (show her what you're working on). Poof....insta conversation. I once had three women come up and start conversations with ME simply by twirling my lit ciggarette between my fingers....doesn't matter what you're doing, just don't be sitting there looking like a miserable lump, you know! Miserable lumps aren't interesting!
3) Compliments: *Something* about this woman drew your attention, but contrary to popular belief, most women are NOT mind readers, so how 'bout telling her exactly what it was....and be nice about it. I'd heartily recommend *against* making a comment like "Wow! couldn't help but notice those enormous knockers you have!" but something along the lines of "My God....you look stunning in that dress." is a decent way to convey the same general idea....lol (examples: Tia and BW are (or strike me as being) delightfully feisty women on the board....and I love talking to them and watching their antics on various threads ('specially the venom shop thread!).....that's enthralling to me....and a heckuva lot of fun. OH....I have no doubt they can be serious when they wanna be, but if I was gonna seriously start flirting with either of them, I'd start bein' feisty right along with 'em!)
4) Have something to say after that! Soooo often, guys will do the whole get the girl's attention thing, they'll give a compliment, and then drop the ball right then and there. That's a shame....too bad, really, cos if you've prepared properly, you should have no shortage of stuff to talk about....remember, you're up on your current events, and you may have brought a prop or two with you (sketch pad, favorite book, etc), so USE that! "Do you like poetry? Really? Hmmm...well, I'd love to get your opinion on some of the stuff I've been jotting down tonight." And if you DO have a prop with you, GIVE it to her!!!
5) Casual contact. Yeah, I know, with all the sexual harassment junk flying around, people are almost afraid to touch at all, but the fact is, casual physical contact is HUGE. It demonstrates to the lady in question that she can trust you not to grope her to death. LOL...'member the aforementioned lighter if you're a smoker. The whole purpose for you not using your lighter is twofold: a) it gives you an easy "in" where conversation is concerned, and b) it allows your hands to brush together for a second. That's huge! Never underestimate the power of casual physical contact.
6) Openness. This is another biggie, and especially powerful if you've brought some sort of prop with you. GIVE it to the woman in question, and consider what that says about you. Here she is, nearly a complete stranger to you, and yet, you are so totally open with yourself that you're giving her....completely turning over to her something that's obviously a very big part of who you are. That's....almost too huge to even contemplate, and it sends a very strong unspoken message. It also leads to MORE casual physical contact, cos after she looks through your sketch book or notepad for a moment, it's very easy to slide closer and say, "here...lemme show you one of my favorites from tonight" Poets, you're in luck here, cos bars are generally LOUD places, and you might find yourself "having" to lean in close and whisper one of them to the lady in question....LOL...the tragedy of it all....
7) Approaching women in groups: These days, very few women go out alone, and a GROUP of women can be utterly terrifying if you're already shy to start with.....best thing is to single one of them out, and focus all your attention on her. Once you get INTO the group (per above), watch the women in the group, and gradually shift your focus if needs be to the one you percieve as being most interested in you (but as always, be polite about it!).
8) Separation: Getting the woman/women you're interested in OUT of wherever you are and into quieter surroundings is the next big step. After all, flirting is all about conversation, and you can't very well hold a conversation if you're screaming at each other over the din of loud music, so once you've broken the ice...once you've spent a bit of time getting "into" the group, or gaining the attention of the lady in question, recommend a change of venue.
Perhaps it'll be an offer to buy the lady dessert, or coffee, or...who the hell knows what....the point is....somewhere quieter.
One thing I love using is my own interest in astronomy. On warm summer nights, it's very easy once you're talking to grab another beer and step outside to show off the constellations (plus, if the lady in question is unaccustomed to stargazing, you generally gotta stand behind her and outstretch her arm in yours to point up at the stars...more of that casual physical contact.....you could do a LOT worse than brushing up on your astronomy!).
9) Keeping the conversation flowing. Mostly, this amounts to listening well. Find out what sorts of things interest this lady you're talking to, and gravitate the conversation toward those things. This is the very reason you've read up on a variety of topics. Ask questions and keep making eye contact....Crucial!
10) Make fun of: Yourself, and especially other males in the bar....*specifically* make fun of cheesy pickup lines (note here that all evening long, you've not used a single cheesy pickup line...by now, the lady knows that's not your style....so poke fun of them! Once you get the lady to laugh, you've got her attention for the rest of the evening!) Several months ago, I used something like this to get a trio of ladies laughin....started talking about how silly pickup lines were....something to the effect that "I really didn't *get* the whole concept of using them, and then I set about making fun of the whole notion.....I let my eyes glaze over and pretended to be "the usual" guy, took a slug of my beer and slurred my voice and said: "Heyyyy baby....I'm a ....feces...what's your sign?"
Laughter all around, almost beer-thru-the-nose kinna laughter, and then nods of agreement that indicated they'd been on the recieving end of that kinna garbage all too often.
Thirty minutes later, we were having breakfast at IHOP....
Women like to laugh. They like to be paid attention to and taken seriously. They wanna know that you're interested in them for more than their bodies....and I've found that doing stuff like the above demonstrates that admirably to them. So....maybe nothing here will work for you....or maybe, just maybe you'll find something you can grab on to and run with....
-Good luck, happy flirting, and discuss!
-=Vel=-
(much more later, but that should be enough to get the discussion rolling!)
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