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  • Disposing of corpses in the workplace

    To cut a long story short....
    In September we moved all our work from system A (because it was a pile of crap and riddled with faults) to system B. At the migration date, we saved a complete snapshot of system A's databases and reports in a "Business Objects" universe to act as an archive, so that when we identified problems in system B we could see what was the cause under system A, and fix it. Simple, right?

    There were just two problems. Firstly, the archive solution implemented by our Database Analysts was flawed. Though it saved all the information, the reports used to retrieve certain sets of data contained errors and returned incorrect information. This is not good, but mistakes happen in business, and it's something that you just have to deal with.

    However this is where the second problem creeps in. Having identified the first problem in late September, the database analysts didn't implement the fix until late October. They also failed to tell anyone outside their own team that there was a problem to start with, or that it had changed. As far as the rest of the company was concerned, everything had gone smoothly.

    After some pretty intense grilling by me, the analysts admitted all this today. It means that about 80% of the work I have done over the past 14 weeks has been a complete waste of time, and I've got to start back from square one. It also means I've made a complete ***** of myself in front of a major customer.

    So there you go. After considering long and hard, I've concluded that coaching or complaining is inappropriate, and the analysts must die. Their blood must be spilled, I'm afraid. So how can I conceal, or dispose of their bodies in a modern open-plan office? You're looking at typical software analysts (overfed, flabby sacks of ****) and there's four of them. Any suggestions? Feed them through the shredder? Thinly slice them, then file the slices under "****ing useless underhand sneaky cat****ers"?
    The genesis of the "evil Finn" concept- Evil, evil Finland

  • #2
    Do you have paneled ceiling?


    No, I didn't say that! I will no aid you in this horrible thought!!!

    Monkey!!!

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    • #3
      Need more details about the workplace. I assume office building, urban setting, etc., but what about utilities? Other floors? Construction? We need something to work with here.
      "In the beginning was the Word. Then came the ******* word processor." -Dan Simmons, Hyperion

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      • #4
        why should it be in the office?

        Invite them to a business lunch, then get rid of them there..you can always state you saw them leave together and never saw them again...
        If you don't like reality, change it! me
        "Oh no! I am bested!" Drake
        "it is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong" Voltaire
        "Patriotism is a pernecious, psychopathic form of idiocy" George Bernard Shaw

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        • #5
          Remember: Make somebody else te last known person to see them alive!
          Eventis is the only refuge of the spammer. Join us now.
          Long live teh paranoia smiley!

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          • #6
            It should be in the workplace so that you get a day off when the corpses are later discovered and the building shut down while the police investigate.
            "In the beginning was the Word. Then came the ******* word processor." -Dan Simmons, Hyperion

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            • #7
              What about dissolving the corpses? If these people are indeed the average geeks, nobody will be around to miss them and notice their death
              "I have been reading up on the universe and have come to the conclusion that the universe is a good thing." -- Dissident
              "I never had the need to have a boner." -- Dissident
              "I have never cut off my penis when I was upset over a girl." -- Dis

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              • #8
                Why not just take a vacation?
                Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree...

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                • #9
                  Dissolve them in what? I have nothing more corrosive than Espresso.
                  The genesis of the "evil Finn" concept- Evil, evil Finland

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                  • #10
                    Liquid Nitrogen

                    Take them to the bathroom. Freeze them solid with liquid nitrogen. Shatter them into millions of teeny tiny pieces. Wash them down the drains.
                    “It is no use trying to 'see through' first principles. If you see through everything, then everything is transparent. But a wholly transparent world is an invisible world. To 'see through' all things is the same as not to see.”

                    ― C.S. Lewis, The Abolition of Man

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                    • #11
                      If these Guys are Geeks their flesh will be immune to the corrosive effects of most substances due to lifetime exposure to certain soft drinks.
                      Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Japher
                        Do you have paneled ceiling?
                        Yes we do, but using that space is a no-no. There are too many sneaky porn caches up there.
                        The genesis of the "evil Finn" concept- Evil, evil Finland

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                        • #13
                          No, whenever you shatter anything frozen with liquid nitrogen it just turns into little pools of liquid metal and melts back together.
                          "In the beginning was the Word. Then came the ******* word processor." -Dan Simmons, Hyperion

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                          • #14
                            See Laz, this is the advantage of working in a lab...if I needed to dispose of an analyst I have a manner of options. They can be chopped into tiny pieces and disposed of in sharps bins throughout the laboratories which just get incinerated...voila, no trace. Alternatively the huge quantities of corrosive acids give you the option of dissolving the corpse and simply pouring him down the sink a la Hague...except this time learning from his mistakes not to leave teeth and bits of bone lying around...they can go in the sharps bins
                            Speaking of Erith:

                            "It's not twinned with anywhere, but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham" - Linda Smith

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                            • #15
                              Well, you could always store the bodies, and take them out piece by piece, feeding the remains to dogs and birds: that way they are dead and desecrated. Then you have to think were to hide a large cooler.
                              If you don't like reality, change it! me
                              "Oh no! I am bested!" Drake
                              "it is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong" Voltaire
                              "Patriotism is a pernecious, psychopathic form of idiocy" George Bernard Shaw

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