Either Church or No Marriage!

[FrostyBoy]

My Fiance is telling me she can't marry me (or anyone) that doesn't go to church willingly.

I told her I am neutral about going to church. I told her that I don't mind church at all and I wouldn't mind it if I went there with her, but I am not actually wanting to go there for my own purposes.

In other words, I'm happy wherever we go, but when it comes to church, she doesn't think that's good enough.

Ok, key points are: she's a Chinese Christian (Singaporean to be exact). I am finding them to be christians to the extreme - like, insane extreme.

When I found out that I had to be in her church just to be allowed to marry her, I was quite shocked and disgusted by that rule. (Luckily though, she doesn't really care for that rule). But that's just an example of what I mean. It sounds more like a cult to me, even though it's a nice family church (www.evangel.org.sg).


So anyway, we kind of got the feeling that we're going to break up lastnight; I want to marry her, but in my point of view, she is turning me down (coz I won't go to church for my own personal reasons). But in her point of view, I am turning her down (coz I won't go to church for my own personal resaon!!).

Got ourselves in a major situation now.

Is she right or am I right?

[JohnT]

Should've discussed this before the engagement...

[JohnT]

Do you love your fiance more than you hate her church?

[MRT144]

youre wrong because youre male. get used to it.

[Jon Miller]

both, sorta

basically oyu will both need to work together for this to work

and I would suggest a compromise

like

tell her that church has not been an important part of your life perviously, but that oyu are willing to give it a go

this is not (I think) aginst your values, nor is it lying (I feel that it is imporatnt not too lie)

Jon Miller

[JohnT]

Dump it on her. Tell you how you feel, and that's that. If she decides to leave you for her church, thank God (no joke intended) that she can't claim alimony/half your assets... cause this issue is NOT going to go away, not if she remains as devout as you claim she is.

Yeah, it's hard. But better hard now than impossible-to-get-out-of later.

[Tattila the Hun]

Depends... Is she hot?

[Jon Miller]

basically I am getting that she wants oyu to beleive?

or feel similiarly to her?

this is usual, and within reason, but it is also within reason for you to feel differently, so you are both right

as it is, the bset you can do, I think, is be honest

if oyu are willing to give it a go (which it seems that you might), than that would show that you are working with her

Jon Miller

[FrostyBoy]

It is important not to lie.

The thing is, I am willing to go to church with her, but I don't have a need to go to church, she just wants me to have that need.

[JohnT]

Hot enough for Sn00py, obviously.

[Gangerolf]

If you love her go to the ****ing church. I bet 90% of the people there don't really want to be there either

[Imran Siddiqui]

Should've discussed this before the engagement..

I concur. This is extremely important which should have been brought up earlier. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

[JohnT]

You're going to church just to please her... are you willing to do this for the rest of your life? Are you willing to have the demands increase as time goes by (and they will). What about your kids - how will she take it if Daddy doesn't believe, he just goes to please Mommy.

[Jon Miller]

hmm

see, I consider myself a christian (not neccesarily a good one)

but I don't feel a particular need to go to chruch (I haven't been since my dad died)

I do read my bible at least once a week, and I pray every day

so I am still religious, I just haven't got a whole lot out of church recently

and maybe I should go to chruch, maybe I am missing a lot

but havning not done it recenlt y(and not much before that), I don't really know if I am missing anything

I know some people who get a lot out of chrch, and I think tah it is somewhat dependent ont he church and the people involved

like UI know that I got a lot mroe out of the church I went to in minnesota

try it out, if youa re not getting much out of it, be honets with her (maybe suggest visitng other churchs)

unless oyu have something against trying it out

also, It hink that you are young, oyu don't need to get married now, you can just keep dating her and see if this can't be resolved

Jon Miller

[FrostyBoy]

Yes, well, we did discuss it 3 years ago.


She told me yesterday that it bothers her, but she seems to have been ignoring it for the past3 years, hoping that I will change.

I told her lastnight that I won't change who I am - I don't think that is the right thing to do in this situation.