One Would Think I Would Know Better, But Noooo

[Sprayber]

I dont know what kind of responses I'm looking for, I'm just thinking out loud I guess. Anway, I just got back from a date with someone that I see causing me to change a lot of things about myself. I've been seeing two girls for the past month. When I say seeing I mean spending a lot of time talking to on the phone and having lunch with. Tonight I went on my first official date with one and now I'm going to have to make a decision between one or the other. The thing is I would be one lucky bastard to end up with either of these women. It's not me deciding who I will grace my presence with at all. It's very humbling that they are so close to me as they are..

Candidate 1
18 years old. Very smart, very mature. She has recently lost her fiance to a car accident like I did a couple years back. (6months ago) Since I'm 29 the age factor would be present in my mind if it wasnt for the fact that she was so much more mature than a 18 year old should be. She works her own job, pays for her tuition, is apart of the local search and rescue team and has excellent taste in just about everything. I have known her for the past three months. She lives fairly far from me but has said she wants to move to my town to go to college here anyway.

Candidate 2
25 years old. two children, a duaghter and a son that both live with her. She lives for her kids. She is finacially independent, and knows very much what she wants in life. We have talked for little over 4 months. Having lunch together but always as friends. Tonight that situation took a step forward. She has been divorced for only 6 months and is understandably wanting to take things slow. I haven't meet her kids in person yet but tonight when she got home her little boy said that it would be ok if she got a new boyfriend if he were nice. So I'm taking that as a good sign. Her ex lives in the same town as we do. He sees his kids every other weekend. The standard deal it seems around here. I realized tonight that this woman is pretty much everything I have looked for. She is bright, independent, loving and apparently sees some good in me.

The problem seems to be that both these women are great. I have so much in common with both of them..They have both been through hell and come out the other end stronger than before. Unlike most others that I have dated and been with, these women bring just as much as I do to the table. They are both strong people. No one that I will have to prop up emotionally. Someone that can give a little back as good as they get. It's kind of weird that after all this time of finding crap, I find two amazing women in the span of five months. And all of that under the shadow of me waiting to go overseas. Both of these I would have no doubt would wait for me to come back.

[Theben]

Are u asking for guidance?

[Sprayber]

I don't know. I'm interested in comments. There are a few wise people on the boards still. But yeah, feel free to share all of ya'lls guidence.

[Sava]

dude, don't date teh 18 year old... being 11 years older than her, you were growin pubes when she was poppin outta her mommy's cooch...

[Harry Tuttle]

You are a brave soul posting about this in the "thar be dragons" OT. Wow.

Anyways, I'm glad they are both nice. Problem is, and this is an experience thing not a tried and true plan of action, that the age difference does tend to get in the way of things. Candidate 1 may be mature, but she is 18 years old and still making her mind up about life. She might move away. She might decide to be with someone her own age. Not that you're not a great guy to her, but she is essentially unbound by adult life.

Candidate 2, while being a mother and probably set in her ways, seems like she knows a thing or two about life. Plus she is more your age and has managed to raise her kids.

If it were me, I would choose candidate 2. BUT please, don't let some faceless no name posters on Apolyton make your decision for you. It's your choice, look at the pros and cons (and realities), then make up your mind.

[Sprayber]

When she is 30 ill be 41. when she is 60 ill be 71. But she is an adult.

[Harry Tuttle]

Originally posted by Sava
dude, don't date teh 18 year old... being 11 years older than her, you were growin pubes when she was poppin outta her mommy's cooch...

and good god, don't listen to Sava....

[Sprayber]

Originally posted by Harry Tuttle
You are a brave soul posting about this in the "thar be dragons" OT. Wow.

Anyways, I'm glad they are both nice. Problem is, and this is an experience thing not a tried and true plan of action, that the age difference does tend to get in the way of things. Candidate 1 may be mature, but she is 18 years old and still making her mind up about life. She might move away. She might decide to be with someone her own age. Not that you're not a great guy to her, but she is essentially unbound by adult life.

Candidate 2, while being a mother and probably set in her ways, seems like she knows a thing or two about life. Plus she is more your age and has managed to raise her kids.

If it were me, I would choose candidate 2. BUT please, don't let some faceless no name posters on Apolyton make your decision for you. It's your choice, look at the pros and cons (and realities), then make up your mind.

Don't worry, im just getting ready for all the questions I would get when my mom and my family meet them You did hit on a big concern about the 18 yo. I know from experience that women change so much between 18-24. That very thing ended at least two of my friend's marriages. In fact the other woman's problems with her husband surfaced because of those very same problems.

[Nubclear]

A: No. Age difference kills it.
B: No. She has children.

[Sava]

Originally posted by Sprayber
When she is 30 ill be 41. when she is 60 ill be 71. But she is an adult.

the older you are, the less important age is... by your reasoning, at 20 and she's 9, a relationship is okay... GROSS!

considering 18 is the legal ****able age (except in like butt****, alabama) I think it's wrong to set your standards at the legal minimum...

plus, at that age, and her going to college, and you going overseas... SHE'S GOING TO WANT SOME SEX

and you won't be there... young horny co-ed and long distance relationship = rampant infidelity...

[Mr. Harley]

Several pieces of advice - and this is scary, at 29 I had just broken up with a lady after five years, while trying to raise her three kids. I met my current wife, who is ten years younger, at 30. So here goes.

Stepkids. Since I had done it, with the wrong lady, I am biased. Stepkids can be great, but by and large it is a can of worms. The rewards are wonderful, the three kids I had helped raise came to my wedding! But I swore I would never do it again. You need to seriously find out how compatible you are with her idea of raising kids. Get her ideas first, so you can compare them without the response being biased by your responses. If you don't want a lot of grief, you are going to have to be brutally honest about how compatible your parenting styles are. The stepkid thing can be very rewarding, but usually it's a bunch of grief. Also, remember their dad will also be in your life, to the point that if he's a jerk, it will impact on you.

The younger lady will still probably do some changing. This can be a good thing, or a bad one. Just think about how different you are at 29 versus 18 (I am assuming that's the case). They both sound like interesting ladies with alot of potential. You'll have to somehow try to seperate out the feelings and look long and hard at the pros and cons of each case. Also, don't discount your intimate life. I'll never forgot a guy who I knew who stated that he would never marry a woman who didn't have sex on the first date, he wanted her a horny as he was. He got married, too! While I don't quite agree with how he went about it, at least he was honest. Your problem is how to ethically determine this.

[Sprayber]

Originally posted by Comrade Tassadar
A: No. Age difference kills it.
B: No. She has children.

Well if only I had the power to switch them around all would be well.....

[Theben]

Depends what you want.

18 year old probably won't settle down right away. Most likely she would be interesting chapter in your life, but not the "one".

2 kids mom has, well, kids. Are you ready to be instant dad?

And what are you looking for?

[Sprayber]

Originally posted by shawnmmcc
Several pieces of advice - and this is scary, at 29 I had just broken up with a lady after five years, while trying to raise her three kids. I met my current wife, who is ten years younger, at 30. So here goes.

Stepkids. Since I had done it, with the wrong lady, I am biased. Stepkids can be great, but by and large it is a can of worms. The rewards are wonderful, the three kids I had helped raise came to my wedding! But I swore I would never do it again. You need to seriously find out how compatible you are with her idea of raising kids. Get her ideas first, so you can compare them without the response being biased by your responses. If you don't want a lot of grief, you are going to have to be brutally honest about how compatible your parenting styles are. The stepkid thing can be very rewarding, but usually it's a bunch of grief. Also, remember their dad will also be in your life, to the point that if he's a jerk, it will impact on you.

The younger lady will still probably do some changing. This can be a good thing, or a bad one. Just think about how different you are at 29 versus 18 (I am assuming that's the case). They both sound like interesting ladies with alot of potential. You'll have to somehow try to seperate out the feelings and look long and hard at the pros and cons of each case. Also, don't discount your intimate life. I'll never forgot a guy who I knew who stated that he would never marry a woman who didn't have sex on the first date, he wanted her a horny as he was. He got married, too! While I don't quite agree with how he went about it, at least he was honest. Your problem is how to ethically determine this.

I've thought about this. My finace who was killed had two kids who I had gotten pretty close to. After loosing her, they went to live with their father. So the thought of that does give me some hesitation. Thanks for the insight though. I know of a lot of situations just like the one you describe. It's so hard to help raising someone else's child when 1, your right to dicipline is in a grey area and 2, the father is still very much in the picture..

[Sprayber]

Originally posted by Theben
Depends what you want.

18 year old probably won't settle down right away. Most likely she would be interesting chapter in your life, but not the "one".

2 kids mom has, well, kids. Are you ready to be instant dad?

And what are you looking for?

The 18 yo does give me the vibe that she wants to settle down right away and I have told her that she needs resist that urge because the death of her fiance is still too fresh. I know what she is going through and I really am trying not to take advantage of that. In all honestly, she needs a friend more than anything right now.

Like I said above, I've been in the situation once before. The idea of being a dad doesnt bother me. Getting close to them and then something happening between me and the mom is. Thankfully she is pretty smart in that area and wants to take it slow..