Officially Christmas time.

[Dinner]

With today officially being the first day of the Christmas season I thought I'd make a Christmas thread for us all to reflect upon the banalty, crassness, and materialism this holiday has degenerated into. Then again lets not. It's been done so many times before here at poly so how about everyone just post their own thoughts on Xmas or maybe just a good Xmas joke.

I'll start us off with this oldie but goodie of a cartoon.


Edit by MtG - I guess everyone else is off today. If it wasn't my son's birthday, I'm sure I would have nailed this sooner.

[Dinner]

BTW if that comic is to adult then will some mod please remove it? If it does pass then feel free to post other jokes.

[chequita guevara]

Christmas season doesn't officially start until Epiphany. Don't mistake the Christmas shopping season with the former.

[Dinner]

ok, here is a tamer joke. It's about Santa trying to make a snow angle.

[Dinner]

Originally posted by chegitz guevara
Christmas season doesn't officially start until Epiphany. Don't mistake the Christmas shopping season with the former.

When is the epiphany? I honestly don't know.

[Dinner]

How to rob a snowman.

[Dinner]

[GePap]

I can defenitely see that first one getting the ax quickly.

"Christmas season"? Honestly, when did the end of Thanksgiving become the beginning of the Christmas season? When I immigrated 14 years ago, it did not seem that way..but it probalby already was.

[Dinner]

This is why you need to always wear your seat belt.

[Dinner]

12 Days of Christmas - letters
December 14th
Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes
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December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes
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December 17th

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes
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December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes
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December 20th

John:

What's with you and those ****ing birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird **** all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those ****ing birds.

Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is **** all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.

Ag
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December 22nd

Hey ****head:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And Christ - do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours.

From Ag
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December 23rd

You Rotten *****:

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****. The commissioner of buildings has subpoened me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag
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December 24th

Listen ****head:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.

Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
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December 25th

(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total.

All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Taeker, Spredar, and Bangar
Attorneys at Law

[Dinner]

"Politically Correct" Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) *

*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

[Gangerolf]

christmas is cancelled this year

[Dinner]

New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Government Policy

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

[Adagio]

Originally posted by Oerdin
BTW if that comic is to adult then will some mod please remove it? If it does pass then feel free to post other jokes.

Nice picture... though I guess it'll be deleted soon

[Chemical Ollie]

Gangerolf, that picture reminds me of your (Norway's) arctic seal cub clubbing fest.


Melody: He's got the whole world in his hands

Jag krosser skallen på den, på min sel
Jag krosser skallen på den, på min sel
Jag krosser skallen på den, på min sel
Jag krosser skallen på min sel

Men selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Selen lever i min hand

Jag stikker hakepiken i den, i min sel
Jag stikker hakepiken i den, i min sel
Jag stikker hakepiken i den, i min sel
Jag stikker hakepiken i min sel

Men selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Selen lever i min hand

Jag stikker öjnene ut, på min sel
Jag stikker öjnene ut, på min sel
Jag stikker öjnene ut, på min sel
Jag stikker öjnene ut på min sel

Men selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Selen lever i min hand

Jag flår skinnet av den, av min sel
Jag flår skinnet av den, av min sel
Jag flår skinnet av den, av min sel
Jag flår skinnet av min sel

Men selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Selen lever i min hand

Carl-Gustav gråter, för min sel
Carl-Gustav gråter, för min sel
Carl-Gustav gråter, för min sel
Carl-Gustav gråter för min sel

Men selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Ja selen lever, i min hand
Selen lever i min hand



(With reservations for my lack of spelling and vocabulary skills in Norwegian language)