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Problems with being a scared gay boi (at least for me).
Those who don't like reading long things can skip to part B
You know most of my problems would probably dissappear if I was happier. So instead of treating the symptoms like I've been doing for the past.... 1...2...3...4 YEARS.... I decided that maybe I should focus on source.
I've decided that the source of my problems stem from unhappiness, and lack of social contact.
Well unhappiness and not having social contact are interrelated as human beings are social creatures (right?).
I've been so unhappy in life that I went from hateful dilusion to almost full blown schizophrenia (I got as far as schizotypal before they started treating me). Well the drugs and the therapy don't work, because they only solve the symptoms, but not the core problems, the emptyness and the worthlessness that I feel about my life.
Why am I so empty inside is because I don't have very many people in my life, the bulk of people I have contact with are on the internet, and recently that has been shrinking quite rapidly.
I'm gay but there is a problem too I am very scared. I had a real rough time in high school, the emotional damage has not gone away. Let me give you some background.
Part A
Anyone who remember the old evc, about 4 years ago, well I was that fanatical and outspoken in real life. In the process I hurt a lot of people, and made people in my high school terrified of me (so when I tried to reform I set myself up for some vengence of others).
I think to understand this better, perhaps it would be interesting to equate what my behavior is: a defense mechanism gone astray.
I've lived with fear for so long in my life, that I developed a reaction to allieviate this fear, and that was to make others afraid of me... it worked, but it is still costing me heavily.
I decided in one year (my Senior Year at High School)... that after I found out all the foundations for my extremists beliefs were based on a lie and built in quicksand, that I would completely remove my defense mechanism all together.
It seemed to be a positive improvement for about 3 months, but then people had realized the idea that I was both gay and not the scary person that I used to be. I live in a very religious state and there is a lot of poverty here as well. So the gay change was not welcomed at all. Secondly, people were looking for revenge for all those times I scared people (ie made their girlfriends cry thinking I was going to kill everybody), and etc....
Those who followed my plight, would know how this story ended up. Lost the bulk of my friends, started getting picked on continously, finally got so bad, and when the last of my friends were gone for unrelated circumstances, that I was forced to drop out of High School.
The depression set in, and I was so hurt by people, that I didn't trust anyone....
Snap forward to my first year of college, and the depression continued to multiply and with all the added trauma that I faced in the past, my body for whatever reason could not handle it. So I became pretty much schizotypal with irregular psychotic episodes. This of course depressed me further, and my distrust of people stopped me from branching out to meet people.
Part B
So what do I do, I snap back into the only familiar thing that worked, my ridiculous defense mechanisms.... and the insanity that has occured since then up to the present is beyond the scope of this post.
You see these defense mechanisms make me into something I'm not, it is like a hyper-bluff, I will back it up, but it is totally against my nature.
Imagine not being yourself for most of your life, because you were too scared to be it.
Truth is I walk around with scowl on my face when I would rather be acting sensitive and nice...
My High School trauma prevents me from fully realizing what I had tried to do then... I just can't get over the fear.
I'm afraid if I behave as gay as I really am that I will be ridiculed, attacked, and generally looked down upon. It is not entirely an irrational fear.
So how do I get over this, I want to throw away the remenants of my old life, and live the life I would rather be living.
My disorders are caused by fear anger and stress, happiness will relieve this, but I can't find happiness until I can learn to be myself. Fear prevents that.
So what do I do, I am a scared gay boi, in a big unforgiving world?
You know most of my problems would probably dissappear if I was happier. So instead of treating the symptoms like I've been doing for the past.... 1...2...3...4 YEARS.... I decided that maybe I should focus on source.
I've decided that the source of my problems stem from unhappiness, and lack of social contact.
Well unhappiness and not having social contact are interrelated as human beings are social creatures (right?).
I've been so unhappy in life that I went from hateful dilusion to almost full blown schizophrenia (I got as far as schizotypal before they started treating me). Well the drugs and the therapy don't work, because they only solve the symptoms, but not the core problems, the emptyness and the worthlessness that I feel about my life.
Why am I so empty inside is because I don't have very many people in my life, the bulk of people I have contact with are on the internet, and recently that has been shrinking quite rapidly.
I'm gay but there is a problem too I am very scared. I had a real rough time in high school, the emotional damage has not gone away. Let me give you some background.
Part A
Anyone who remember the old evc, about 4 years ago, well I was that fanatical and outspoken in real life. In the process I hurt a lot of people, and made people in my high school terrified of me (so when I tried to reform I set myself up for some vengence of others).
I think to understand this better, perhaps it would be interesting to equate what my behavior is: a defense mechanism gone astray.
I've lived with fear for so long in my life, that I developed a reaction to allieviate this fear, and that was to make others afraid of me... it worked, but it is still costing me heavily.
I decided in one year (my Senior Year at High School)... that after I found out all the foundations for my extremists beliefs were based on a lie and built in quicksand, that I would completely remove my defense mechanism all together.
It seemed to be a positive improvement for about 3 months, but then people had realized the idea that I was both gay and not the scary person that I used to be. I live in a very religious state and there is a lot of poverty here as well. So the gay change was not welcomed at all. Secondly, people were looking for revenge for all those times I scared people (ie made their girlfriends cry thinking I was going to kill everybody), and etc....
Those who followed my plight, would know how this story ended up. Lost the bulk of my friends, started getting picked on continously, finally got so bad, and when the last of my friends were gone for unrelated circumstances, that I was forced to drop out of High School.
The depression set in, and I was so hurt by people, that I didn't trust anyone....
Snap forward to my first year of college, and the depression continued to multiply and with all the added trauma that I faced in the past, my body for whatever reason could not handle it. So I became pretty much schizotypal with irregular psychotic episodes. This of course depressed me further, and my distrust of people stopped me from branching out to meet people.
Part B
So what do I do, I snap back into the only familiar thing that worked, my ridiculous defense mechanisms.... and the insanity that has occured since then up to the present is beyond the scope of this post.
You see these defense mechanisms make me into something I'm not, it is like a hyper-bluff, I will back it up, but it is totally against my nature.
Imagine not being yourself for most of your life, because you were too scared to be it.
Truth is I walk around with scowl on my face when I would rather be acting sensitive and nice...
My High School trauma prevents me from fully realizing what I had tried to do then... I just can't get over the fear.
I'm afraid if I behave as gay as I really am that I will be ridiculed, attacked, and generally looked down upon. It is not entirely an irrational fear.
So how do I get over this, I want to throw away the remenants of my old life, and live the life I would rather be living.
My disorders are caused by fear anger and stress, happiness will relieve this, but I can't find happiness until I can learn to be myself. Fear prevents that.
So what do I do, I am a scared gay boi, in a big unforgiving world?
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