Dream weddings

[ajbera]

Here is a reception pic showing my tonsure quite nicely.

[Gibsie]

My wedding is gonna suck; my girlfriend has two fathers, but neither of them have any money so it's going to be down to this chump to pay for everything. Gr8.

[SlowwHand]

Any wedding that doesn't include me is perfect.
I'd rather go to a wake than a wedding.

[st_swithin]

I'm recently recovering from a BULLSH1T marriage.

All I basically had to do was abstain from having an opinion about ANYTHING, so that my husband could be happy. According to his parents, that was the only way we could be happy. (Well, that and having kids, which I STAUNCHLY REFUSE to do. Any man who would himself or have agents of his even SUGGEST that I have kids can merrily fvcketh offeth right back where they came from.)

I became the perfect little wife for him - I dressed the way he liked, acted the way he liked, talked the way he liked. I cooked his favourite meals and brought him his Jack and Coke every night when he got home from work.

Still not good enough. So I indulged his rather prolific taste in porn, much to my own personal distaste. I was trying to 'be a sport,' as he so aptly put it.

I tried to be understanding when he brought other girls home and told me they were 'just friends.' I'm sure many guys bring other girls home to introduce to their wives. I'm sure many other wives are asked to run to the store for cigarettes while their husbands entertain their 'friends.'

Then I was at the computer one day, and thought I'd take a guesstimate at why we are unable to maintain a savings account balance above $0, and how he managed to BLOW through my entire pre-marriage savings (read: NO PRENUP - he had NOTHING ($0) in savings).

He took over the car my father gave me. He used to lease one, but he figured since I don't like to drive, I don't need my car and he could dispense with the 'extra' payments. OK, so I don't really go anywhere except with him. One more way he'd got me hooked through the proverbial nutsack.

Auto insurance, per year, is about $1,800 ($150/month); I don't have any coverage ($0/month).

According to tax info, he GROSSES around $160,000 per year. Each month, he should NET around $13,000. Our monthly rent is $1,246.00, which leaves us with about
$11,500 after rent and car insurance.

My household expense budget, including food, clothing, utilities, etc. is about $500 per month, leaving us with about $11,000 PER MONTH. I am very rarely over budget, because I was brought up to live within one's means.

Out of the remaining $11,000 PER MONTH which he purportedly nets, we are unable to save even $0.01.

WHAT THE FVCK IS GOING ON?!? I have receipts for ever fvcking thing I buy, so that I can account for my spending habits. The few times I have gone over budget have been to buy him clothes (he has expensive taste). I never buy anything for myself - in fact, I still wear my clothes from college - I never could get into the whole 'fashion' thing.

I feel like perhaps he exaggerated how 'rarely' he gambles. And recently, I'm finding how VERY MUCH he the reality of his addiction to cocaine - seems like it's everywhere in the house these days. I never touch the stuff, though he's always trying to push it on me. I tried it, I didn't like it. End of story. I don't know what his monthly blow bill is exactly, but I think I can conservatively estimate between $2,000 - $4,000. Let's say $3,000, which leaves our monthly net income at around $8,000.

I've been to Vegas with him before, and I HATE having him sit at the same table because he's the WORST gambler EVER. He has the uncanny ability to lose any money I've won. And then he wonders why I don't want to sit at the same table with him. Must be my PMS talking.

I read a book of his on "No Limit Texas Hold 'em." Then I watched him play for a few hours.

He's the worst player EVER!! Out of respect, I never told him because he always thought he was such hot sh1t, but great gosh almighty, he couldn't gamble his way out of a wet paper bag.

He's THE quintessential LOSER. I've never seen anyone lose so much and then make so many excuses about it.

Then he told me I was bad luck and that I shouldn't hang out at the table because I was making him lose. Funny he should be that perceptive, when he never, EVER listens to a goddamn word I SAY.

Thanks, Bearded Guy Across the Table, for paying attention to me. I knew, that you knew, I was 'telling,' but you never blew my cover.

Every time I looked at my husband's cards, you knew how to bet and why. But then it seemed like you had a staring problem (I HATE PEOPLE STARING AT ME WHEN THEY HAVE NOTHING TO SAY), and all I could think to say to you was "What the FVCK are you staring at?!?" Apparently, I have that effect on some men. Yep, blame it on the girl - it's always the girl's fault, right?

After all, if you'd just introduced yourself, we might've been able to carry on an intelligent conversation, but instead you just gaped like a dead carp.

Not my husband, though, which is why we're now divorced (or will be, officially, as of February 01, 2004).

He ALWAYS tells me how I feel and what I'm thinking, but he manages to NEVER ASK ME how I feel or what I'm thinking when I need him to - he just does it like he's trolling.

When he gets on a particularly bad cocaine bender, he just follows me around for HOURS all around the house, repeating over and over again: "What are you doing? What are you thinking? What are you doing? What are you thinking? What are you doing? What are you thinking? What are you doing? What are you thinking?" Just like that.

Obviously, I started welcoming any friends of his into the house just to have other women around for him to plague. "What are you doing? What are you thinking? What are you doing? What are you thinking? What are you doing? What are you thinking?" It could drive you nuts after a while.

I'm glad you cleaned him out first, before I ever got to. He deserved it - he's the worst poker player I've ever seen. And I've never gambled in my entire life - I just call 'em like I see 'em. I still can't believe that he was trying to tell me it was my fault, even after I left the table.

This was a guy who was netting $8,000 PER MONTH, whose ex-wife had to sign over EVERY SINGLE THING SHE OWNED to get out of the fvcking marriage in the first place, and our savings account balance: $0.00.

I had to sign over my car, my savings account, every single thing I had ever bought using 'his' money just to get him to sign the damn papers. And then he told me he had to be careful of golddiggers because now he has to 'look out for himself.' A55HOLE!!!!

I'm flat broke, living on a friend's couch, and all my worldly possessions are out on some boat somewhere, and all I can think is that on February 01, 2004, I will be the HAPPIEST WOMAN ALIVE.

I'm pretty happy now, but thanks to government beaurocracy, I'm stuck in this marriage until their leisure to rubber-stamp my divorce papers (also in Vegas, along with all the important stuff). In California, there's what's called a 'cooling off' period of 6 months where the ex-spouses have a chance to 'try to work things out.'

It's been longer than that since I've let him even TOUCH me, but apparently, I'm still at the mercy of the court.

That a55hole already has a new apartment and a new girlfriend, and I'm living on a couch because he doesn't want to support me any more. We were working in the same industry, but after I married him, I was 'unable' to get any work (officially, it's called "being blacklisted").

What a great guy, huh?

[ajbera]

St_swithin, hopefully you're closely following the "How to Plan the Perfect Crime" thread for inspiration...

[st_swithin]

NO WAY, Jack, I don't need any help

I'm pretty clever myself, when properly motivated.

[ajbera]

Of that I have no doubt.

Incidentally (and OT), thanks for recommending the Rising Stars graphic novels by JMS in the sci-fi nom thread. I've picked up volumes 1 & 2, but haven't read 'em yet. However, as a superhero and JMS fan, these look to be superb.

In return, may I recommend to you (though it's a novel, not a graphic novel) Those Who Walk in Darkness by John Ridley.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/044653093X/qid=1061150950/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_1/002-3816374-6230425?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

It also looks pretty cool.

Back on-topic...

Sloww, I tend to concur. I loathe formal social gatherings, and was dreading my reception (double damage of a social gathering plus the fact that Tracey and I were the center of attention). Happily, I was so damn busy that the hours flew by and it was over before I knew it. My sole complaints - not enough time to enjoy the appetizers/cocktail hour (too busy meeting and greeting), and the wife and I couldn't escape to walk the grounds of the reception hall and get stoned with our friends. But we got high later back at home when we had a head-shaving party to even out my hair.

For an event I was dreading, it was loads of fun.

[Solly]

St Swithin, are you telling us this guy suddenly changed following your wedding day?

[st_swithin]

After he consummated his wedding, I didn't know him at all.

Unlike the other girls, I had a signed contract. I now know my own misfortune - the penis is INDEED mightier than the pen is without paper.

[Ted Striker]

Dumbasses like that ruin it for the rest of us.

[monolith94]

Wow, what an *******.

I won twelve dollars on texas hold em once, taking an initial five dollar buy-in into account. I consider myself a decent player. He probably doesn't have any patience cause of all his blow.

[st_swithin]

That's the answer to the $64,000 question - why do blow if you're playing a game of patience?

Meeting his family really grossed me out - we all went to Vegas to celebrate his honeymoon (GAG!!!! 2's company, 3's company, 4's a crowded house) and his dad kept feeling me up and trying to stick his tongue in my mouth when he 'had to kiss me as a daughter.' He felt this compulsion every five (5) minutes or so.

WHAT FVCKING CENTURY IS HE LIVING IN???

And then the fvcking loser (which is how I refer to my exhusband) tried to say that that's how his dad is with EVERYBODY, including other family members AND men, because he's English.

Having been to England many times, I distinctly do NOT remember acquaintences greeting one another by sticking their tongues in each others' mouths. If that's the case, I'm never going to England again, because that was by far the most distasteful experience of my life.

I thought only dogs did that. I never saw the fvcking loser's Dad every try to French kiss his OWN wife though - he'd already had her defanged so she couldn't bite him again.

[monolith94]

Sounds like a marriage from hell. Man oh man, I hate it when guys like that have jobs that make tons of money. When I think of what I could do with eight thousand dollars... Oh man.

[Ted Striker]

No doubt dude you could be making so much money off of your money...

[st_swithin]

I could have made half the movies in Hollywood, by myself, for half the money and in half the time, and still have enough left over for a kick-a55 wrap party.

How the FVCK do those people get so overbudget? Not that I want to be a pennypincher or anything, but doesn't anyone ever check to see what's being spent on what?