Tweet
.. to rant about miserable lives even though kids in Africa might disagree. Anyway, here it goes, the rant of a spoiled brad.
I came back from entrance exams to Uni. I think I didn't make it. I was a bit sick (diarrhea) and feeling frustrated to begin with. I can't give excuses though, I did my best. Maybe my performance was not the best possible, but it wasn't that bad either. I failed to do the two last questions because time ran out, so I missed lots of points, enough points to be excluded once again even though I answered every other questions correctly. Such is competition. I talked to talk but I couldn't walk the walk. I failed, and I haven't forgiven myself because the test was easy for me, and still I screwed up. Pretty much my dreams died all at once. Pretty tough to deal with. I don't know what I'll do from now on, or what I'll become. I'm not 18 anymore exactly. No savings, on property, no job..
.. but if that wasn't enough, the same day my mom e-mailed me, that she'll divorce my dad. Truly a shocker. I don't know if I should be angry or not. I was just overwhelmed by the surprise so I don't know what state I was in. They don't even fight or anything. I guess that's the problem. My dad still doesn't know about it, and he doesn't have any ideas and it will take him by complete surprise. I feel like crap, because I can't look into his eyes, he doesn't have any clue what's going on. I feel like I need to tell him, but I just can't. Somehow I'm thinking maybe she changes her mind, but I know she won't. The fact, that they divorce is not that bad, but the fact what happens then is. You see, my dad is not exactly a young lad anymore. He doesn't go out, drink beer, nothing. He doesn't know how to relax or have fun. He's always working, and he has done so since he was 14. Pretty much his life was stolen by work. He will NEVER find a new woman for himself. He's also looking to get retired now, so he's not young, and there's only so much time left to find a new woman. I'm convinced he can't do it, and don't tell my otherwise, I know my family.
So even though I'm not that peachy with my dad, we have had our differencies, but I just feel so bad for the man. They haven't talked about it like normal people. My mom has thought about this for the last few years, never told anything to anyone, and then makes the plans ready, so only thing missing is telling and then all is set already. How fair is that? I think that's so f*ing rude I can't believe it. How about working the problems out when they occur, or little later then by talking about it? Not keeping it inside and never telling about it, that's just not fair. She's talking about setting him free because she's a pain in his butt. That's the biggest BS I've ever heard. He'll be forever lonely and die that way.
I mean he works so much, it's all he does. He don't know how to relax or do things for himself. Because he works so much and doesn't know how to take a vacation and enjoy life, he doesn't have close friends. So he'll be completely alone, and he's not young anymore, and after this he surely doesn't magically learn how to relax and he'll get older, thinking he is useless, watching walls and clock waiting for the time to end. I'm so angry that my mom denies this fact. She has her own reasons to apart herself, and if she feels that way, then she should. But what about doing it earlier, like 20 years ago? Or 10 years ago? Why now, when there's no chance for the other one, and then being so sneaky about it, not telling about problems? She says she can't talk with him with stuff that is important to her, and I asked if she tried enough? I know she hasn't tried that much. She herself thinks it's useless to even try, and then makes conclusions based on that, building and building it and finally this.
I don't know what I should do or feel, I guess I'm incompetent to handle my feelings. I guess I learned that from my old man then. I don't even get feelings, maybe somehow I block them unconscioussnesly before they even reach my thoughts. There has been many setbacks, and recently they have been mounting so much and they're about to burst all at the same time, and I don't think this is healthy.
I don't know if this is poetic justice or something like that, but my dad kicked his dad out of the house when he was little younger than me. But he was abusive drunk. My dad doesn't drink, I think he tried to be the exact opposite because he hated his dad. He never told me these things, but I found out anyway. And he is the opposite, he's not violent at all and sober always. And now when he's about to hear this news, I mean it will kill him. His dad died alone, it was a sad story, and he's about to face the same fate. Even though we are not very close, I still feel so strongly that he doesn't deserve this. I'm trapped in this circle I'm living now, unable to brake myself through the obstacles and .. I don't know I just can't put it to words what I feel, at least not in english. Maybe I can't even explain it. It's mixture of many things. I think I've hit the bottom, and it's not about to stop soon. I hope you understand, whoever you are, that I needed to write this for myself. I was having a coffee with my buddies just an hour ago, but I can't talk to them about this. I just can't force myself to do it. So, I needed to tell this to someone and I appreciate your company and your collective wisdom which is unbelievably high. I'm pretty lost right now, and I'm dead serious about it.
Thanks for listening.
I came back from entrance exams to Uni. I think I didn't make it. I was a bit sick (diarrhea) and feeling frustrated to begin with. I can't give excuses though, I did my best. Maybe my performance was not the best possible, but it wasn't that bad either. I failed to do the two last questions because time ran out, so I missed lots of points, enough points to be excluded once again even though I answered every other questions correctly. Such is competition. I talked to talk but I couldn't walk the walk. I failed, and I haven't forgiven myself because the test was easy for me, and still I screwed up. Pretty much my dreams died all at once. Pretty tough to deal with. I don't know what I'll do from now on, or what I'll become. I'm not 18 anymore exactly. No savings, on property, no job..
.. but if that wasn't enough, the same day my mom e-mailed me, that she'll divorce my dad. Truly a shocker. I don't know if I should be angry or not. I was just overwhelmed by the surprise so I don't know what state I was in. They don't even fight or anything. I guess that's the problem. My dad still doesn't know about it, and he doesn't have any ideas and it will take him by complete surprise. I feel like crap, because I can't look into his eyes, he doesn't have any clue what's going on. I feel like I need to tell him, but I just can't. Somehow I'm thinking maybe she changes her mind, but I know she won't. The fact, that they divorce is not that bad, but the fact what happens then is. You see, my dad is not exactly a young lad anymore. He doesn't go out, drink beer, nothing. He doesn't know how to relax or have fun. He's always working, and he has done so since he was 14. Pretty much his life was stolen by work. He will NEVER find a new woman for himself. He's also looking to get retired now, so he's not young, and there's only so much time left to find a new woman. I'm convinced he can't do it, and don't tell my otherwise, I know my family.
So even though I'm not that peachy with my dad, we have had our differencies, but I just feel so bad for the man. They haven't talked about it like normal people. My mom has thought about this for the last few years, never told anything to anyone, and then makes the plans ready, so only thing missing is telling and then all is set already. How fair is that? I think that's so f*ing rude I can't believe it. How about working the problems out when they occur, or little later then by talking about it? Not keeping it inside and never telling about it, that's just not fair. She's talking about setting him free because she's a pain in his butt. That's the biggest BS I've ever heard. He'll be forever lonely and die that way.
I mean he works so much, it's all he does. He don't know how to relax or do things for himself. Because he works so much and doesn't know how to take a vacation and enjoy life, he doesn't have close friends. So he'll be completely alone, and he's not young anymore, and after this he surely doesn't magically learn how to relax and he'll get older, thinking he is useless, watching walls and clock waiting for the time to end. I'm so angry that my mom denies this fact. She has her own reasons to apart herself, and if she feels that way, then she should. But what about doing it earlier, like 20 years ago? Or 10 years ago? Why now, when there's no chance for the other one, and then being so sneaky about it, not telling about problems? She says she can't talk with him with stuff that is important to her, and I asked if she tried enough? I know she hasn't tried that much. She herself thinks it's useless to even try, and then makes conclusions based on that, building and building it and finally this.
I don't know what I should do or feel, I guess I'm incompetent to handle my feelings. I guess I learned that from my old man then. I don't even get feelings, maybe somehow I block them unconscioussnesly before they even reach my thoughts. There has been many setbacks, and recently they have been mounting so much and they're about to burst all at the same time, and I don't think this is healthy.
I don't know if this is poetic justice or something like that, but my dad kicked his dad out of the house when he was little younger than me. But he was abusive drunk. My dad doesn't drink, I think he tried to be the exact opposite because he hated his dad. He never told me these things, but I found out anyway. And he is the opposite, he's not violent at all and sober always. And now when he's about to hear this news, I mean it will kill him. His dad died alone, it was a sad story, and he's about to face the same fate. Even though we are not very close, I still feel so strongly that he doesn't deserve this. I'm trapped in this circle I'm living now, unable to brake myself through the obstacles and .. I don't know I just can't put it to words what I feel, at least not in english. Maybe I can't even explain it. It's mixture of many things. I think I've hit the bottom, and it's not about to stop soon. I hope you understand, whoever you are, that I needed to write this for myself. I was having a coffee with my buddies just an hour ago, but I can't talk to them about this. I just can't force myself to do it. So, I needed to tell this to someone and I appreciate your company and your collective wisdom which is unbelievably high. I'm pretty lost right now, and I'm dead serious about it.
Thanks for listening.
Comment