General Discussion

[Theseus]

That's good, Nathan...

* It could use some lightening up, or a little more humor, if someone wants to take a shot.

* I did like the previous reference to the PTWDG, i.e., "Gathering Storm managed to survive most of PTWDG (before falling to the combined might of two nuclear powers in the game's final war)", unless someone wants to tweak that differently.

* We should better acknowledge the newer members!

* Picayune language note, 2nd paragraph: ... "Settlers who set off" ... sounds weird.

[Solomwi]

Indeed, good job, Nathan.

"Settlers who embark" may work better than "settlers who set off". I'd either pull the parenthetical statements out of parentheses and set them off with commas or remove them completely, if they don't work that way. All the ones I noticed seemed to work outside parentheses, so the latter shouldn't be necessary.

I'd tweak the last paragraph along these lines:

Three informal groups form the heart of Stormian government. Smith's College focuses on economic matters. The Spartan Academy is concerned with all things military. The State Department studies diplomatic issues. There are unconfirmed but widely circulated rumors of a shadowy fourth group called the KGB that is focused on learning about and analyzing events in other nations. These bodies welcome participation from any and all Stormian citizens.

There's a typo in the middle of the third paragraph, with a period replacing the needed comma before which.

[nbarclay]

Thanks for the suggestions. Here's a version with some of the suggestions worked in. I haven't tried to add humor thus far, but I might later if I get in the right mood for it or if someone else can come up with some good ideas.

Solomwi, the reason I left one set of parentheses in is that the parenthetical part is right after a list that uses commas. To me, using a comma to set apart a parenthetical expression right after a list like that looks awkward, and I think it also poses a greater risk of being misread.

---


The original Storm first began to gather in preparation for Apolyton's first Play the World Democracy Game, which started in 2002. Many of its members came from the Strategy Forum community, and were drawn to the team by the opportunities for learning that would come with working together in a team game. The Storm survived for most of the game before falling against the combined might of two nuclear powers in the Final War. Now many of the same people have gathered again, accompanied by some welcome new faces, to build a new civilization.

The spiritual center of the Stormian civilization is the capital, appropriately named Eye of the Storm. Settlers who depart from the capital in search of new homes routinely name the cities they build after various types of storms or related weather phenomena - Hurricane, Cyclone, and so forth.

The Stormian philosophy revolves around three important goals: learning, honor, and victory (the latter concept being broadly defined to encompass peaceful as well as military successes). The political process is driven by a desire to seek consensus to the greatest extent practical, which can sometimes result in extended debates. When consensus proves to be impractical, issues are resolved through democratic votes or, if time is sufficiently critical, occasionally by unilateral decisions by the Stormian leader, who is affectionately referred to as the Grand Poobah.

Three informal groups form the heart of Stormian government and society. Smith's College focuses on economic matters. The Spartan Academy is concerned with all things military. The State Department studies and responds to diplomatic issues. In addition, there are unconfirmed but widely circulated rumors of a shadowy fourth group called the KGB that is focused on learning about and analyzing events in other nations. All of these bodies welcome participation from any and all Stormian citizens.

[Solomwi]

Fair enough. One parenthetical isn't terrible, but I was reading Theseus' suggestion in with what you had written and seeing three. Still, I think there's a better way to word it, as the parenthetical is unnecessarily wordy. For instance...

The Stormian philosophy revolves around three important goals: learning, honor, and victory, whether through peaceful means or force of arms.

The Stormian philosophy revolves around three important goals: learning, honor, and victory, which is not limited to military successes.

Or you could give it its own sentence.

The Stormian philosophy revolves around three important goals: learning, honor, and victory. The last goal encompasses both military and peaceful successes.

Lest I seem too critical, let me reiterate that I like what you wrote a lot. I'm just trying to see what edges can be fine-tuned a bit.

[notyoueither]

It's great.

For a shot of humour you might say that the KGB also oversees secret projects such as the breeding of the mythical Storm Chickens and Battle Cows.

[nbarclay]

Here's another version:


The original Storm first began to gather in preparation for Apolyton's first Play the World Democracy Game, which started in 2002. Many of its members came from the Strategy Forum community, and were drawn to the team by the opportunities for learning that would come with working together in a team game. The Storm survived for most of the game before falling against the combined might of two nuclear powers in the Final War. Now many of the same people have gathered again, accompanied by some welcome new faces, to build a new civilization.

The spiritual center of the Stormian civilization is the capital, appropriately named Eye of the Storm. Settlers who depart from the capital in search of new homes routinely name the cities they build after various types of storms or related weather phenomena - Hurricane, Cyclone, and so forth.

The Stormian philosophy revolves around three important goals: learning, honor, and victory. Philosophers of the Storm view knowledge as a treasure beyond price. They believe that it is important to deal honorably with others, and to expect others to deal honorably in return. And they value victory in all things, whether peaceful or military, and whether the foe is a rival civilization, the elements, or time itself.

Gathering Storm’s political process is driven by a desire to seek consensus to the greatest extent practical, which can sometimes result in extended debates. When consensus proves to be impractical, issues are resolved through democratic votes or, if time is sufficiently critical, occasionally by unilateral decisions by the Stormian leader, who is affectionately referred to as the Grand Poobah.

Three informal groups form the heart of Stormian government and society. Smith's College focuses on economic matters. The Spartan Academy is concerned with all things military. And the State Department studies and responds to diplomatic issues. All of these bodies welcome participation from any and all Stormian citizens.

There are also unconfirmed but widely circulated rumors of a shadowy fourth group called the KGB that is focused on learning about and analyzing events in other nations. Most analysts consider those rumors credible, but others point to rumors of “Storm Chickens” and “Battle Cows” as reasons to question how much credence should be given to any rumors that leak out of the Storm.

[Solomwi]

[NicodaMax]

Excellent! It's got my vote!

[notyoueither]

I'd say it's good to go.

[Arrian]

How about the game? Is that good to go?

Just curious... I'm not bothered if it doesn't start for a little while yet. I just got back and I haven't played CIV in close to a month. Patch out yet?

-Arrian

[Metaliturtle]

new word is >1 week

[Theseus]

Excellent, Nathan!

/me continues to be picky...

Last para uses the word 'rumors' 4x, and then credible / credence.

How about this:

"There are also unconfirmed but widely circulated allegations of a shadowy fourth group called the KGB that is focused on learning about and analyzing events in other nations. Most analysts consider those rumors credible, but others point to fantastic tales of “Storm Chickens” and “Battle Cows” as reasons to question just about anything that leaks out of the Storm."

[nbarclay]

After reading Theseus' post, I agreed that he had a valid point regarding redundancy but I wasn't all that satisfied with his wording either. Especially, the word "allegations" carries a connotation of wrongdoing that I don't like the idea of including in our Civilopedia entry. Unfortunately, my first attempts to find a wording I was happier with were unsuccessful, so I let the matter hang in limbo for a few days.

I just came back to it and came up with a wording for the last paragraph that I like. It still uses the word "rumors" twice because I think the advantage in parallelism and consistency outweighs the minor redundancy. But I replaced the other two occurrances, and I also reworked the credible/credence redundancy. Anyhow, here's a copy with the revised final paragraph.

---

The original Storm first began to gather in preparation for Apolyton's first Play the World Democracy Game, which started in 2002. Many of its members came from the Strategy Forum community, and were drawn to the team by the opportunities for learning that would come with working together in a team game. The Storm survived for most of the game before falling against the combined might of two nuclear powers in the Final War. Now many of the same people have gathered again, accompanied by some welcome new faces, to build a new civilization.

The spiritual center of the Stormian civilization is the capital, appropriately named Eye of the Storm. Settlers who depart from the capital in search of new homes routinely name the cities they build after various types of storms or related weather phenomena - Hurricane, Cyclone, and so forth.

The Stormian philosophy revolves around three important goals: learning, honor, and victory. Philosophers of the Storm view knowledge as a treasure beyond price. They believe that it is important to deal honorably with others, and to expect others to deal honorably in return. And they value victory in all things, whether peaceful or military, and whether the foe is a rival civilization, the elements, or time itself.

Gathering Storm’s political process is driven by a desire to seek consensus to the greatest extent practical, which can sometimes result in extended debates. When consensus proves to be impractical, issues are resolved through democratic votes or, if time is sufficiently critical, occasionally by unilateral decisions by the Stormian leader, who is affectionately referred to as the Grand Poobah.

Three informal groups form the heart of Stormian government and society. Smith's College focuses on economic matters. The Spartan Academy is concerned with all things military. And the State Department studies and responds to diplomatic issues. All of these bodies welcome participation from any and all Stormian citizens.

There are also unconfirmed but widely circulated rumors of a shadowy fourth group called the KGB that is focused on learning about and analyzing events in other nations. Most analysts consider those rumors credible, but others point to wild tales of “Storm Chickens” and “Battle Cows” as reasons to wonder whether any stories that leak out of the Storm should be believed.

[Theseus]

Excellent.

BTW, I didn;t mention it before, but I particularly like the third para, re "learning, honor, and victory."

How's this:

Disciplina, Fides, Victoria

[Solomwi]

You want to spank Vicky, and only Vicky?