The Epic Tale of Navalon

[johncmcleod]

Amazing! Where do you get these ideas? The difference between a great story and an excellent one is an excellent one is like no story written before it. Yours definitely qualifies as excellent. [Quote me on that, it would be a great advertisement for your story] Hail to Kramerman, the author of the greatest story ever on this forum!

P.S. Since you are such a great storywriter, I was wondering if you could critique my story, called Times of War and Diplomacy located at http://apolyton.net/forums/showthrea...threadid=52508 I am lazily working on the next installment, and I need all the suggestions possible.

[Kramerman]

johncmcleod,
To be honost, Im not really that good of a writter, I just hapenned to be lucky and have a great idea. If a professional writter could rewrite the story like Id want it to be written, then that would really be awesome. Unfortunately, I have little experience writing and though my portrayal of my story has been well enough, I believe its the idea of the story thats great. Anyway, it would be my pleasure to read your story and give advice, only I dont know how helpful an amatuer like myself can be.
Kman

[Kramerman]

Navalon Plans Northern Conquest

“Good afternoon Imperator, and welcome aboard my pride and joy,” Admiral Tycerus [Tie s er ous] said with a handshake, and then quickly snapped to a salute.

“Ah, this is indeed an impressive and intimidating ship, please, tell me Admiral about its capabilities and improvements over our old biremes,” replied Imperator Annhyicus.

“Oh, many, many improvements, I’m sure you have already noticed some. But before I get started, where would you like me to go on your first visit to my ship,” inquired the Admiral.

“Helmsman, pull the anchor and head south from the shipyard along the coast. I would like to see Navapolis from the sea. Then once we reach the southern tip, drop anchor and I can row ashore there,” commanded Annhyicus, now 40 years old, but not looking a day over 30.

“Well, let me begin. To start it’s much larger, a good 60 meters long, almost 15 meters longer than our old ships of the line. This means it can carry more soldiers for boarding actions as well as landing assaults, it has much more room for offensive and defensive capability, and all this with only a negligible reduction in maneuvering ability, and these new triremes are actually faster,” began the Admiral.

“How is that?” asked Annhyicus with deep curiosity. It was always his nature to want to know how things worked.

“Well, the rudders are longer and deeper giving it great control, allowing the helmsman to steer this massive ship just as effectively as our nimble Navayosus class biremes. As you can see, the rudders are not handled individually as on typical ships, this wheel in the center is turned by the helmsmen and pulls the rudders to either side. This way we need only a single helmsman. I hope to be able to have a single rudder under the ship controlled in such a fashion, but that will be a project in the future. To continue, its sail is much larger in proportion to its size than the biremes’, allowing it under sail power alone to go slightly faster in equal conditions. In addition to this is the small foresail that I have added, I call it an artemon sail, and it catches the wind that blows under the main sail. We are now adding this to our biremes to further increase their speeds, and all biremes currently in production are being remasted with a larger mast that holds a larger sail. When you add the fact of the third bank of rows into this over the bireme’s two, then speed for the ship as a whole becomes significantly faster than the biremes. Now, onward, I’ve retained the midtower innovation made with the biremes, it provides an excellent platform for archers and since this is a bigger ship, the tower is bigger. Added to this is what I call a forecastle that is similar to the midtower, but is over there at the bow of the ship. It provides a second platform for archers and is also being added to the older biremes and new ones in construction.
Along the sides I’m sure you’ve noticed those eight turreted siege devices. This is perhaps my best innovation yet. There are two catapults and two ballistae on either side of the ship. The catapults aren’t real accurate, so at this point they’re pretty much only good for launching these special chain shot that can tangle and rip down an apposing ship’s rigging and also these special clay shot that are filled with oil then set aflame and launched four at a time. If they hit an enemy ship, the oil bursts open and ignites, being very effective at catching enemy vessels on fire. Along with flaming arrows from archers and flaming bolts from the ballistae, initial testing leads me to believe we can disable up to four or even five warships before they can get close enough to ram or try to board.
To help put out flames on our on ship I have taken the recent “pump” invention by that Syracuse fellow on Sicilia, and built one into the center of the ship. It pumps water directly from beneath the ship into our fire buckets, greatly increasing our survival ability. This, along with the iron ram is also being built into our new biremes. Even with all the new things, tactics is relatively the same. Seamen, both sailors and oarsmen, defend the ship from boarding while the Legionnaires handle offensive boarding via those four boarding planks on either side. All the while we try to maneuver to ram and avoid being rammed, and archers are either picking off targets or are lighting other ships on fire.
Now, can you see the edge this will give us over any aggressors? All at the price of just 2.5 biremes apiece, and we can halt production on the galleys, shifting biremes to cover their costal defense duties. A fleet of these vessels would be unstoppable by anything our adversaries have now. I mean, only the Greeks and Minoans have anything that can compete with our biremes as it is. So, do I have the go ahead to start production?” asked the Admiral.

“I must let you know how thrilled I am of your progress, and under normal circumstances,” began Imperator Annhyicus, “I would most certainly give you the needed money and resources. Unfortunately I cannot spare that at this time.” Annhyicus waved his hand to thwart any interruption by the admiral and continued, “ See, for the past several years I have been planning a push into the northern frontiers, into the lands of the Lats and Sabines. There are many growing threats from that region, most notably a growing powerful Latin tribe. This would normally require only two of our three Legions to handle with certainty; unfortunately however the Etrurians have just began an offensive of their own into what is their southern frontier. According to my sources, they are attempting mainly to recapture the land in the Tiber river area that was lost to them many decades ago to the Latin tribe I mentioned earlier, which were once under their control. The resource rich midlands of the Italian peninsula are necessary to continue the boom of our industrious economy and it is vital that we take these lands and assimilate their population. Unfortunately for the Etrurians, their move south means they are a threat like the warlike Latin tribe they are trying to recapture. I have now begun planning an extended campaign that will require all three of our legions to invade the midlands as well as the Etrurian lands of Tuscana a little further to the north. If we prevail with a healthy army, then I plan to push north again against the tribes in the foothills of the mountains there.
This is where you come in. I plan to move within the month, and with all three Legions to the north, Navalon would be left virtually undefended from an invasion from across the sea. I wouldn’t be so worried if Greece were still at war, but that is no longer the case. I need all 68 galleys and 29 biremes that are on coastal defense to remain there. I want you to recall the two flotillas of six biremes each that I had you send out to destroy the pirates that plague our trade routes and put them also on patrol. I also want you to immediately rearm the flotilla I sent on the mapping expedition of the Mediterranean so they can defend once they return. No invasion force may be allowed past our waters. You must stop any attempt at all costs. As I said, I fear attack from Greece. Sparta has gone on the warpath and now that after 20 years of war they’ve finally united Greece under their control, we may very well be next on their minds. Our sudden appearance and burst of economic prosperity has not gone unnoticed, and I fear that once word reaches of our aggressions to the north, they may see us as a fat juicy target and take advantage of our moment of vulnerability.”

“I understand my orders, Imperator,” replied the Admiral with a sense of duty and honor in his voice and on his face. He knew that ‘defend at all costs’ meant ‘fight to the death’

“Good. Once this is all over with, I predict within the year, I will give you the extra funding you require to expand the Navy. It will be a crucial part in my plan of expansion throughout the Mediterranean,” happily replied the leader.

“What plans might those be,” inquired the Admiral.

Annhyicus replied, “If I knew I’d tell you. But without a reliable map of the Mediterranean I can’t begin to plan with confidence. But soon, when the expedition returns, I shall be.”

“Ah, Imperator, we approach the southern tip, shall I ready the boat as you requ---“

“I see ships approaching from the eastern horizon!” shouted an excited lookout.

The captain of the newly built vessel snapped to his toes, “Can you make out the ships’ origins, rating [low ranking sailor]?”

“No,” shouted the sailor from his lookout position on the cross mast, “but it appears that one ship is being chased by the others.”

“Admiral, how many ships are docked in the harbor just to the west,” quickly asked Annhyicus.

The admiral replied he had stationed 8 galleys and 4 biremes there for the defense of Navapolis, but was uncertain to how many were presently docked. The Captain said with certainty that 4 galleys and 2 biremes were docked there at that hour on that day, being familiar with their rotation due to just recently being transferred from one of those biremes to take command of the Admiral’s new flagship. Annhyicus commanded that they head quickly to the harbor and signal the ships to ready themselves for combat. Then they would all sail out to the approaching ships to investigate. After about a half hour the squadron of warships was off to the approaching vessels, now just a few kilometers off shore…

[Kramerman]

Naval Encounter

“Five galleys and two biremes are disengaging the Minoan bireme and appear to be coming for us sir, uh, whoever is in charge,” Shouted the lookout, perplexed.

“Excuse me rating!” shouted the Captain

“No, no, don’t you understand his confusion, Captain. Admiral, ff you don’t mind, I’d like to have command of our impromptu flotilla.”

“Have you any experience?” questioned the Admiral, fearing he knew the answer.

“No, but there is no better opportunity for me to gain experience. Captain, order the artillery and archers to fire when in range. Ready the Legionnaires for boarding on the left, uh, I mean portside of the ship,” ordered the inexperienced Annhyicus, “Helmsman, keep the bireme to our port. Captain, why don’t those archers in the forecastle have their braziers lighted yet?”

“Forecastle, light your braziers!” barked the captain, “And wet this deck. I don’t particularly feel like burning to death or drowning by default, today.” Immediately several sailors began pumping water into buckets and heaving it all over the deck and on the sides of the hull.

“Imperator, I suggest that the catapults use the chained lead shot at long range, then when we close to a more accurate range, they should change to oil shot,” suggested the Admiral.

“If it were a loose formation I would agree, but this is a tight formation of ships and they present a big fat target. They’ll probably split up in a few moments, so we should try to knock some out at a distance while we can,” replied Annhyicus, “Signal the two biremes to stay well to our left and to our right, and tell the galleys to split up. I want two to go far left and hook around to flank the enemy formation from that side, and the other two to do the same but from the right side.

“FIRE!” barked Captain as the forward artillery came into range, “Sir, the aft artillery are unable to fire at this angle because the sail is in the way.”

“Thank you captain, but I had figured as much. Wait, what the hell is that, on the bow of those biremes? Those sailors are doing something to that object,” inquired the Imperator about the ship still 200 meters distant.

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen such a thing before, have you Captain?” asked the old Admiral.

“No sir! I don’t know what that is, and I don’t like it. The archers have begun their attack, sir,” informed the Captain.

“Concentrate all fire power on those biremes!” ordered Annhyicus with concern, “Helmsman, cancel my previous order. Turn 45 degrees to starboard then keep our ship perpendicular to their formation. We will try to draw there attack, being the obvious flagship, and let the others hit them.” Annhyicus saw several flashes as the oil shot ignited in the distances. Some had actually ignited on the sea, but two had hit two different galleys dead on and burst. Both were quickly engulfed. Annhyicus was amazed at the speed at which the fire devoured those ships. As this thought crossed his mind, a hail of burning arrows struck the ship, striking some crew. The Legionnaires had been ready with their large shields up, but had to quickly put out the flames on the arrows to keep their shields from catching fire. He saw many sailors hop to the pump and fill their buckets, quickly putting out flames before they could spread, even on the wet deck.

The Admiral informed the Imperator, “Sir, our two biremes are engaging the enemy, going to ram or board it appears.”

As he said this, another galley was hit by the clay shot as it was breaking off to fight the incoming galleys from its flank, even though the catapults were aiming for the biremes, and it began to burn quickly. The two remaining galleys moved to intercept those same two galleys as their ill-fated ally. One of the biremes then broke off and then went after the other two coming from the other side, and the last one went towards the two biremes coming at it. Annhyicus thought that was rather brash, a bireme going against two equal if not superior ships coming straight toward it at full speed. He didn’t like it. As the friendly and enemy ships closed, Annhyicus ordered the catapults to stop, but the more accurate ballistae and most accurate archers continued. The lone brash bireme’s outer hull began to catch from the several burning ballistae bolts in its side. Its sailors were working so furiously at putting out the arrows on its deck that they overlooked this growing fire. As the Greek bireme got into about 5 meters of the incoming biremes, Annhyicus learned what that device on its bow was for. Several Greek sailors pushed down hard on a large lever, which Annhyicus later found to be a pumping mechanism, shooting a jet of liquid out of the device several meters and striking the Navalonian bireme coming at it on its starboard side. As Annhyicus saw this, he thought it was a water pump device like the one on his ship, but for some other strange purpose. The jet was then set aflame, sending a massive fireball at the poor doomed Navalonian vessel. To Annhyicus’ horror, he saw many of his own men engulfed in flames, most jumped overboard to put out their fires. The poor Legionnaires that did this certainly drowned, their heavy bronze armor dragging them down to the murky depths of the sea. Annhyicus ordered the helmsman to steer towards this doomed craft and for the crew to pick up as many survivors as possible.

The Greeks then turned the device around on the other bireme, now passing on its side snapping off the oars of the Greek ship and discharging its Legionnaires via large planks of wood. The Greeks were able to catch the tail end on fire, but an army of sailors would inevitably put it out. The enemy sailors also put out the fire started by ballistae bolts on the Greek ship, as they fought the invading Legionnaires. Fortunately for the soldiers, the Greeks often used slaves to man the oars and so they were chained and unable to fight off the Navalonians, even if they wanted to. The Legionnaires were as disciplined and fierce a fighting unit at sea as they were on land, and they would soon have the ship under its control with the help from reinforcements sent from the trireme flagship, to Annhyicus’ satisfaction. He wanted to learn as much about that weapon as possible.

In the distance, Annhyicus saw one of the two galleys head for the Greek bireme approaching it, as the other nimble galley came from its side to try and ram. The bireme saw this maneuver at the last instant and hesitated at firing towards the oncoming galley as it repositioned its “Greek Fire” device toward the ramming one. Fortunately, for whatever reason, it was too late and the Greek vessel was rammed and the Legionnaires of both galleys swarmed the doomed bireme to keep the sailors occupied and not use the fire device, as the commanders of those ships surely saw the destructive nature of it after seeing what had happened to their ally from a distance. As one galley rowed itself out of the hole it busted at the waterline of the Greek ship, the other waited along side and received the retreating soldiers from the quickly sinking ship. Both pulled away until the fire device was safely submerged, and then swept in to gather prisoners floating in the sea.

As all this was happening, the other two Navalonian galleys were locked into combat with two Greek galleys. After an intense orgy of arrows, swords, and vying for ramming position, one Navalonian galley was rammed while trying to distract the 2nd Greek ship so its ally galley could ram it. Fortunately the rammed Navalonian ship was able to grapple the Greek galley before it could pull out and the Navalonian soldiers and crew invaded this new host and captured it for use to sail home. The other Navalonian galley took advantage of its friend’s distraction and broadsided [at this time meaning ramming a ship square in the side] the final remaining Greek ship.

As Annhyicus gathered his small fleet, the Minoan ship now approached, followed closely by three galleys and a bireme. The Greek ships, seeing the victorious Navalonian fleet regrouped and heading its way, began to turn around. Annhyicus ordered they chase them down and destroy them. They could not be allowed to return to Greece and tell of what happened, it would most certainly inflame war. With help from the Minoan vessel, and every available man helping with the oars, the flotilla gained on the retreating Greeks after several kilometers of chase. After launching the last eight-dozen clay shot, the enemy bireme and a galley caught fire. The two remaining ships threw over their anchor and surrendered.
The Minoan ship pulled in closely to the trireme, with evening rapidly passing into dusk, and an elderly man dressed in royal clothing came out and shouted for the leader. Annhyicus, as impressive as usual with his armor, stepped forward and introduced himself loudly so as the Minoan could hear.

“I am Imperator Annhyicus, son of Arius, master craftsman of Navapolis, at your service. May I ask who you are and why that Greek fleet was chasing you?”

“Of course. I am King Minosus IV, King of Minos and all of its wealth. The Greeks have invaded my island nation. I have no idea how long my fleet can holdout, but as soon as they fall, my kingdom will fall, for we have little of what would be called an ‘army’. It has been the practice of my nation for centuries to rely on our powerful fleet for defense. The Greek fleet is nearly as large and they have this weapon, a new weapon of great destructive power, I’m sure you have been acquainted to it, and I fear for my nation,” the old mans voice began to go hoarse as he yelled, “I’ve come to this young Nation called Navalon, that I’ve heard of only through traders and merchants who’ve stopped there, to ask for help. I’m sure we can come to some form of an agreement”

“Yes, yes, will talk about this on shore so we don’t have to yell. I will see you there,” Annhyicus said, waving the humble old man goodbye.

The two ships docked adjacent to each other on either side of the same dock at the harbor. Annhyicus quickly disembarked and awaited the king from the gangplank of his vessel. He saw the king come over the side of his ship, just a few steps down the gangway, and turned. He grabbed a hand and then turned once more down the gangplank, leading behind him the most beautiful girl Annhyicus had ever seen …

[Kramerman]

More to come soon!

Im not exactly sure when the next time will come when I have a few spare hours to write, but I vow to continue for much longer still. I might write a few times a week all summer until school starts, and then probably only write on weekends or something like that, if the story is still recieving its non-negative remarks and doesn't lose its interest. This will probably end up being the forums longest story ever, maybe at a lenght of a good sized novella if it is ever completed .

I am to go to my dad's this Saturday. He lives in Florida and I was just asking him about his computer. They have an old 56k modem but are between services right now. He said he didn't know for how long, but would try and get broadband cable up and running as soon as possible. This is just a heads up 'cause after this week I don't know how long it'll be before my father can get me connected to the net. I'm going to be there until the end of July, chilin in the pool and at the beach and doin all that Florida stuff. But hopefully it'll be ready shortly after I arrive.

Kman

P.S. As always I would like ti know what yall think about the latest installments. Let me know what I was or am now doing wright or wrong! Thanks alot!

[roadcage]

The Story line is awesome, but the character development is weak. Allow the characters to do things which flesh out the story line but are top level unnecessary in ways that give insight to their character. for example from a (non civ) story I did recently
-------------------------------
The letter opener twirled slowly in one hand while Sir Dave wondered what today's mail would bring. Most probably, the usual mixture of requests would be there. A pig here, a poke there, an audience or two from every where would fill his day. Grasping the top letter gracefully twixt thumb and forefinger, the opener advanced towards its prey. Like a skewer, the blade zoomed towards the fold of the envelope flap, piercing at the weakest point. Sir Dave smiled, as he reflected on the hours, no years of practice he had spent mastering the swords, to fight the good fight in defense of the cloister of Athlon. Know your enemy even if but a sheaf of parchment! The opener tore cleanly down the edge of the envelope for in this household if an instrument could take an edge, then it was well kept.

He placed the opener down by the stack of remaining letters and a puff of wind from his thin lips parted the envelope. Gently the contents were drawn out to face the bright morning light. The letter was badly stained and bore the aroma of a stable. Though of humble origin, the handwriting had a determined flair, and was in a crisp style. Sir Dave read the words again and again. Yes it was a request sure enough. But not of a pig nor of a poke nor even an audience. It was not surprising to Sir Dave that the author was known to him, for as lord and master of the keep he knew all of his loyal servants by name as well as deed. But surprised he was for he was unaware that this loyal servant could even write.

Sir Dave set the other letters aside, as this one would require much thought. For what purpose his most trusted stableman would want to undertake such a path he knew not. But the wording was concise, the determination was clear, and the request could not be pocketed. Yes, this letter would be the principle point of discussion at the next roundtable council.
-------------------------------

Now it turns out that the contents of the letter are EXTREMELY important to the story line, but the act of opening it is not. So I use the opening act to flesh out the character of Sir Dave.

I hope this gives you some ideas!

roadcage

[Kramerman]

Thanks for the ideas roadcage, I'll see what I can do. If I can incorporate this style into my writing I think it would make my story more entertaining 2 fold at least. And if you thought the character developement of the Admiral and captain in the last couple parts was weak, I intentionally did that because I doubt that they'll be seen again, they were only minor characters; though alittle more development of them probably wouldn't have hurt. The only problems I see myself having though is doing this tecnique right, and also this process would be pretty time consuming. I already spend upwards of 2 - 2.5 hours on
my more recent installments and I just barely portrayed the skeleton of those parts of the story. I'll see what I can do, though, and I totally appreciate the advice 'cuase Im always trying to improve my writing skills; and this story being my personal master piece idea, should be written to the best of my capabilities. Again, thanks a million times and whatever more suggestions or ideas you have, please feel free to let me know.

Kman

[Kramerman]

Ah, I just noticed you were a fellow Texan. First I've met on the forums, I must say. About half of who I have met have been foreigners (mostly European), and everyone else from other states or not reveiling their origins. I'm in San Antonio myself; a mere 3.5 hour drive away. Not very important or uncanny, really, just thought it was interesting.

Kman

[Metaliturtle]

I was born Texan, but my parents hauled my butt up here to wisconsin where it's cold most of the year, and when it's not, it's friggin July. Anyway, this story kinda snuck up on me, but I liked it, so I'm extending the offer I've extended to many others, go to the storywriter's union thread, and request membership, you will be accepted.

[Kramerman]

Do wolverines really exist? I heard they have 'em up north like in Michigan and stuff, but I've never even seen one before. I have now idea what they look like, fictional or not.

Anyway, this story kinda snuck up on me, but I liked it, so I'm extending the offer I've extended to many others, go to the storywriter's union thread, and request membership, you will be accepted.

What exactly is the writer's guild? It sounds interesting, and I appreciate the offer. I guess I'll find out what it is when I view the thread.

Kman

P.S. Glad you liked the story. What exactly do you mean by it snuck up on you? What could I do to change that? btw I was actually born in North Carolina, but I moved to Texas when I was 3 and lived here for the last 14 years of my life. I really dont affiliate myself with any state though, I just noticed that roadcage lived relatively closeby compared to the Dutch and Swiss I've been conversing with recently.

[johncmcleod]

Yeah, wolverines exist. I've seen them-not in the wild though. I think they live kind of near where I live (northern Idaho). Grundel should critique this story-he's like a legend on these boards. He could probably help you a lot.

[The Bloody Baro]

Man this is the best story yet! To put into terms how much I like this story note the following:

Tom Clancy is to modern war stories
as
you are to this story.
Continue or face my gigantic space hamster in a farting contest!

[The Bloody Baro]

BUMP

[Metaliturtle]

I was looking at other stories at the time, I sometimes don't get to read all of the good material here, especially when I'm on a roll, but this story is really good. Wolverines live in northern Canada and possibly russia

[Kramerman]

Hello

I have reached my fathers domicile safely and soundly (though I was pulled out of line in the airport at the gate and was searched. I guess they are now looking for terrorists who are tall and lanky, in their late teens with lt. brown hair, light eyes and pale skin. Though I admit, my side burns have gotten to look pretty evil since I've let them grow out) but my dad, like I metioned was between internet service. He did not get broadband like I had hoped, but he now has internet again. I have plenty of time out here and should be continuing the epic shortly, I apologize for the delay in posting new installments.

Kman

P.S. Thank you for the info on wolverines, Metaliturtle, I'm sure it may come in handy someday .