Royal Service

[unscratchedfoot]

Operation Royal Service



This story is based exactly upon a game I am now playing as United Kingdom. I'm using my "Rumble in Antarctica" mod where 14 clans, survivors of out-of-control global warming which sunk almost all the known world, have gathered on a big island they think is Antarctica. Each clan has 6 cities. Units in the game, particularly navy, are extremely expensive, and all the units in the story are from the game. The names of cities and people are tacky but its a serious war story.

This is a story of how a perfectly planned military operation designed to minimize friendly casualties turns into an unholy slaughter.

Let's begin!

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Two Ways to Hell


"So G.I. Jane's coming for a meeting today." said General Dexters while reclining in the cheap, metal chair. The war room was a typical, plain meeting room with rows of folding chairs facing a white board. Scores of maps all showing the different territories of the clans decorated the dark walls. The stale stench of cigarettes and cigars never seemed to go away.

"Yeah, should be good for a laugh. It looks like the Queen's not doing her job as chief diplomat again... probably scared of Jane." said General Chrisius. "You know there's a newly appointed Field Marshall joining us today?"

"I heard about the new guy. Get this: his name is 'Lord Cornwallis'. He thinks he's really the cat's meow and even has a waxed moustache to prove it. Word is that if we don't tow the line for him just right, he's gonna make life hard for us. I guess the lady don't trust us enough on our own. As for G.I. Jane, you think the United Nations still want our help?"

"This new guy sounds pretty corny if you ask me." Chrisius could see Dexter grimace at the pun. "I bet his waxed moustache'll be enough to set Jane off again. I ain't never seen a woman on such a short trigger before. She's pretty cute too and all." Chrisius shook his head in disappointment. "I guess being a marine hand-to-hand combat instructor did it too her."

"Hey, you reckon Corny picked that name for himself or what? Like I mean, I heard a rumor that his name used to be Harry D*ck." Dexter stopped talking as the sound of hard-soled shoes clanking on the hallway floor meant their new team member was here.

Lord Cornwallis proved himself the moment he entered the room. He stood over 6 feet tall with an impeccable olive drab uniform showing off a chestful of ranks, a commander's cap, a walking can with gold braids around the handle and a thin moustache waxed into curls made-up his joyless face. "Good afternoon gentlemen. I already know your names and since there's no need for introductions lets just get on with the meeting."

He stood at the front of the room next to a big map of the UK territory and its neighboring clans, the Egyptian survivors and United Nations. "First I will make it clear that I am a internationally reverred instructor of modern military tactics. I have written many books on the subject and am flooded with requests to teach at military colleges. I was recently promoted to Field Marshall and in the short time of only 3 days, I've seen why Her Royal Majesty needs someone like me to clean up the mess you 2 have made." He spoke in a loud, haughty manner to make sure they knew who was in charge.

Corny banged his cane next to Meatpie Town on the map. "Here..." He paused for effect. "...lies the most flagrant waste of precious English resources I've seen in my entire military career. Three Type 42 guided-missile destroyers fully loaded with rockets, an aircraft carrier with 4 gunship and 4 Eurofighter squadrons on it, and 3 transports altogether carrying 15 infantry brigades and 15 Challenger tank units. Do you have any idea how many tanks you could have made instead of all that navy?"

"Sir, we have valid reasons to explain those dispositions..." Dexter tried to explain.

"What in God's name were you thinking!? You could have already gone through the United Nations territory according to our Right of Passage agreement and then punched through Hoth to get at those drug-dealing swine!"

Hoth was the name given by an over-zealous Star Wars fan to the Scandinavian clan's arctic region. It was the last spot of tundra area in the world and was right in the middle of the island. The deadly creeping heat was ever yet shrinking that last place of snow and ice.

At that moment a young uniformed staff woman showed up at the door and said, "Please excuse my interruption. U.N. leader G.I. Jane will be here to meet with you in just a moment."

A few seconds later a young woman with a blond, military-cut hairstyle, camouflage pants, and wearing a t-shirt saying "Armee" on it came marching into the room. G.I. Jane was not known for cutting any slack during negotiations and often resorted to threats of violence against other clan leaders to get her way. "Hey y'all. You listen to what I got to say and then I'm outa this hole, you got it?"

"I beg your pardon young lady!" barked Corny, his face taunt with disapproval.

"You constipated or something gramps? Take a laxitive and stop being such an anal-retentive ******." Jane's retorts seldom held much sympathy.

Corny wasn't used to being spoken back to, let alone low-blow insults. "G.I. Jane is it? I'll let you know that I've met whores in the dregs of Whitechapel with better manners than you have!"

"I bet you have, you old pervert." Jane was feared for her powerful kicks and she caught Corny right in the groin with her army boot, lifting him clear off the floor. He flopped back down onto the floor in a heap of pain.

While the moaning Corny slowly slithered out of the room like a snake run-over by a truck, the three continued the meeting.

"All I got to say is that the Right of Passage agreement has expired, and to be honest with you, I hope your milky queen expires right along with it. Take your engineers you got building roads and mines next to Security Council city and your damn soldiers out of our territory or you can expect some trouble. And it'll be a lot worse than just an army boot meeting your balls."

"Um... uh... okay then, will do." Chrisius's voice quivered and he turned to the side a little. "May I ask why the sudden change of mind? Those engineers reconnected all your resources for you during your war with the Egyptians and Scandinavian Allies. The troops are there to block your enemies from bombing away the roads and mines we built for you. After all, we aren't at war with them as you know."

"Those weekend warriors you sent are now raping our country women and sniping passing motorists on the 'lovely' new roads you built. Some of them even put landmines in the road for extra fun. Is that your idea of building 'mines'? Nuff said."

"Very well then, we will comply with your request immediately. We apologise profusely for those undesirable occurances you have stated and will conduct a full examination into...", Dexter made a weak attempt to explain.

"Oh, give me a break with the babble will ya?" Jane didn't wait for a reponse and marched out of the room, not wasting a second.

Dexter and Chrisius exchanged anxious looks, still stunned by the harsh meeting.

"Damn, what an attitude that lass has." said Chrisius. "It's perfectly normal for soldiers to commit a few naughty acts here and there, and besides, we saved the UN from an embarrassing defeat. Hell, they wouldn't've been able to build any armored units if it weren't for our engineers rebuilding their roads and mines."

"Oh well, its a rough and tumble world... err island, we live on. There are no true friends. Maybe she's just pissed that we didn't help them fight."

"That is the most likely explanation. But had we joined the fight, we would have compromised our invasion build-up plans. The Drug Cartels are our first priority." Chrisius was a determined man. He knew the importance of punishing an unaggravated declaration of war. He was going to take off the gloves.



On the War Path


"Arriving first on the field of battle, a prudent commander will always allow his enemy to fully deploy and assemble before opening fire. This way, the enemy will be kinder to you after you surrender."
Famous words of 'wisdom' taken from Lord Cornwallis's book 'Military Master'.


Dexter and Chrisius stood at the front of the smelly war room facing 20 or so commanding officers of Her Royal Majesty's Forces sitting in the cheap chairs.

Dexter began the strategy planning session. "Gentlemen, after years of toil and sweat, our forces of Operation Royal Service have finished assembling in the bay next to Meatpie Town. They await our orders to sail to the Drug Cartels to dispense justice. Today we will discuss what awaits our forces in the enemy territory and what dangers we expect to encounter."

Someone near the back of the room coughed and Dexter looked to see the legendary commander Kaos lighting up a cigar. Normally Dexter would have objected to the foul smell of it but for Kaos an exception had to be made.

Dexter turned on the slide projector using a remote control and the white board was filled with the image of a professional soldier in khaki drabs holding a assault rifle. "What you see here is a FARC soldier, originally recruited to fight against the cocaine cartels but now we realize their soldiers thrive on the business using their power only to snuff out rivals. These soldiers have respectable fighting ability and should be put under heavy fire."

He pushed a button on the remote and a soft click could be heard as a new image was loaded of a slouching man in a straw hat, shabby clothes, and holding a submachinegun in one hand. Dexter missed the old projectors back in London which sounded like a rifle bolt being cranked open and closed again. "This wild looking freak is known as 'Da Crazed Junkie'. He works for cocaine and is totally fearless. They're easy to kill if you used proper tactics but they've been known to jump on top of tanks and spray the crew to death from the hatchtop. Kill on sight. They usually take several bursts of 5.56mm to put down for good."

The next picture was of a hispanic man in bright colored clothes, mostly red and blue, with a very wide-brimmed hat and holding an antiquated rifle. "No this is not an entertainer. This is a villista and should not be confused with the local civilians. They are easy to kill and offer little in the way of tactical resistance. Try not to waste more than one bullet on each of these."

Dexter gave the slide projector remote control to Chrisius who took over the lecture. "The drug dealers are not known to have any armored vehicles yet because they have been focussing on bomber tech. We want that tech. Their clan has been at war with their neighbors the commies and the Scandinavians for many years now. We believe the skinheads also had a go at them. Therefore, they will be very weak, easy prey for our powerful new Challenger tanks."

"The enemy has 2 potent weapons which could hurt us." Chrisius pushed a button on the remote and a picture of an old, worn-out tanker ship appeared on the board. "You all should recognize this as 'Old Betsy', one of the ships which brought us here to Antarctica. In the next picture you will see what happened when a Hopscotch rocket was applied to her." Chrisius pushed the button and the ship became a disentagrating inferno. "Our Type 42 destroyers are able to withstand one hit from a rocket but will retire from the line of battle a burning wreck."

"As per the 'Treaty of Landing' all the clans signed upon reaching Antarctica which required all nukes to be discarded into the ocean as a condition upon landing, we all can build the expensive Hopscotch rockets as well as napalm with no enhanced designs. Napalm is the most deadly weapon in Antarctica as there is no uranium here to build nukes with. Our high tech destroyers are designed with special flame-retardant materials and automatic fire-control systems to limit the effects of this terrible weapon and may even allow a Type 42 to barely withstand one hit before retiring from battle with most of its crew roasted alive. Ships of others clans are different but generally include the same design functions."

Kaos asked, "Hey, what can napalm do to a land unit?"

"Everyone's gotta die someday, Kaos, just some die more painfully than others. Anyways, on to the battle plans." Kaos was left shaking his head.

Chrisius went on, "Our convoy is escorted by three Type 42 destroyers each loaded with 8 hopscotch rockets for a total of 24 rockets. Those rockets are ludicrously expensive so don't waste them! The carrier will provide anti-air and anti-shipping defense with jet fighters and gunships. We plan to land and take-over the capital Culiacan and a second key city called East Hastings all in one day. The destroyers will unload 12 rockets into each city while the troops are landing on the plains between the cities. Once the defenders have been obliterated by the rockets the troops will have an easy walk into the city and the carrier will unload its air assets into the cities for added protection. Following that peace will be requested for the price of Bomber tech. We want to leave them some cities to keep fighting the commies with and we may even consider supplying them with resources at that time."

"Sounds like it'll be a real blast!" called out Kaos with a big smile.

Dexter answered, "We're gonna blast them alright. Remember that The Drug Cartels is an evil clan which sells narcotics even to kids and they have declared war on us without any provocation. The convoy heads out tonight at 2100 hours and will arrive at the target in 6 days to commence Operation Royal Service. Give em hell. See you in a week."

[History Guy]

Well, I like it.

[vovan]

So do I. Good stuff, scratch.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Its a good start but I must say that Im always a little nervous when Scratch puts me in a story.

Anyways I look forward to seeing where you take this.

[SKILORD]

Sweet job Scratch, but what's the purpose of advertisig a Modpack which you will never release to the general public?

[TheGuitarist]

Excellent as always. 'Da Crazed Junkie'...

Will there be more quotes from "Military Master"? Please?

[unscratchedfoot]

Thanks for the support everyone. Skilord, the mod I put together needs to be tested fully before I can upload it to check for balance.



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Marching Orders

"It is best to always supply your soldiers with half the amount of food they need to survive on and half the amount of munitions they need to fight the enemy with. In doing so, they will not complain as much when eventually surrounded and starved to death by the enemy, in addition to the supply cost savings."
Another pearl from Lord Cornwallis's book 'Military Master'


On the ships sailing towards the coast of Drug Cartel land, the troops enjoyed the trip by playing onboard paintball games, lolling in the deck pools or simply basking in the sun with shirts off and sunglasses on while listening to their favourite tunes which were everything from heavy metal, hip-hop and rap to relaxing Enya music. The searing global-warming heat had turned the frozen icefields into a tropical paradise with aqua-blue water, banana and pineapple palm trees, wonderful surfing waves and swordfish for dinner. The young lads and lasses now making up the armed forces were mostly 19 to 25 years old, had been born in Antartica, and wondered if the global-warming was actually a good thing. The generation of people who had lived through the flood and the brutal wars for the northern areas of Siberia, Norway and Canada, considered the flood experience to be worse than a date with G.I. Jane.

The people back in Meatpie Town were generally pretty calm about the adventure even since the convoy's departing hornblasts had last been heard. They trusted the advanced technology of their military and felt even more assured when the well-known intellect Lord Cornwallis was appointed Field Marshall which made him the supreme military commander. They felt nothing could go wrong with such a military genius in charge.

Little did they know that Corny himself did not share their confidence. He slid into a leather chair at the Military Operations Center (MOC) in Meatpie Town on the morning of day six. Infront of him was a wall of monitors set up to give fully visual coverage of the Operation Royal Service. Each ship as well as some choppers and the field commander Kaos had cameras with them. Satellites, the only piece of home leftover from the pre-flood era, still provided an excellent communications relay.

"Good morning to you gentlemen. Today we'll find out just how much you have bungled this operation with your amateurish planning." Corny had shown up for the first time at military ops since 'the kick of the century' as Dexters had put it.

"Good morning sir", they responded.

Corny handed them both a thick, black textbook titled 'Military Master' and said, "Read-up and you'll finally learn some sense about military matters. Its on the house."

"Thank you sir."

"As for Operation Royal Service...", he spoke the name in a sarcastic tone, "...if it turns into a disaster you will of course accept full responsibility and issue a public apology to the Queen, myself and the people of UK before resigning your posts. I may even consider some form of corporal punishment to go along with it." He looked at them sternly waiting for their compliance.

"That sounds reasonable sir."

The convoy had come to the end of its assigned course, well away from the desert beaches of the United Nations to avoid being seen by UN aerial patrols and giving away the show. Surely Jane would have ratted on them.

Kaos was on the leading transport ship and was looking through a telescope at the landing area. He preferred to be with his soldiers. On the white sand beach, majestic coconut palms waved in the soft ocean breeze on that hot sunny morning. What a beautiful day for making war, he thought. True to the military planners' predictions, they were not contested from either the air or the sea, an indication of the attrition the Drug Cartels were suffering from their multiple wars. No enemy troops could be seen in the landing area.

The Type 42 destroyers were infront of the transports with their Union Jacks fluttering in the breeze, symbols of their proud nation. Then Kaos heard a faint sound, a kind of distant thump. His heartbeat went up and he desparately searched the target area through the scope to try and figure out what had made the sound.

"Napalm!!" Someone screamed on the leading destroyer and an alarm sounded. Knowing all the hatches on the ship would be instantly closed by the auto-safety lock connected with the alarm system, the crew on the deck all dove overboard for the safety of the gentle aqua-blue water.

Kaos looked up from the scope and saw the napalm canister, which looked like an old barrel, flying end-over-end in a high arc towards HMS Bearskin. He regretted not having realized earlier the thump had been the catapult launcher sending off the canister. The Bearskin went into an emergency turn. While this maneouvre works sometimes against torpedoes, napalm canisters dispense over the target area and ignite before the canister actually impacts on the target.

The captain of the ship was in the command center deep inside the hull. The ship only shook slightly as the napalm erupted. He couldn't see the way the flames blanketed the ship in a horrific inferno, instantly torching anyone in the upper levels or still in the air diving towards the water. The lowers levels were so well insulted from heat that he couldn't even hear the shrieking crew members being cooked.

Kaos saw nothing but a heap of flame where the Bearskin should have been. He knew the captain could not communicate with the upper deck being reduced to molten metal. The question was, would he retire from battle without firing off his 8 rockets? The rockets were in well-protected silos and could still be operational.

To Kaos's astonishment the Bearskin continued on towards Culiacan!. It was beyond comprehension to see the mass of flames, no longer descernable as a ship, making its way towards the target zone. It gave him a kind of sick feeling.

Back in MOC, Corny didn't seem upset at all as he spoke into the mike which connected him to the satellite phones of the other ship commanders, "Continue on as ordered."

Chrisius was appalled by the attack and he was starting to get stressed, "The other ships should be dispensing life rafts for the survivors in the water!"

"Calm yourself! You are supposed to be an army general. I am in control of everything. Those who jumped overboard should not have abandoned their posts, especially in a combat situation. They can swim to shore. Its only a few kilometers in warm water and it'll give them time to ponder their poor decision."

Dexters and Chrisius looked at each in shock but knew it was true that it would be an easy swim inland since the crews were all trained to be good swimmers.

The "thump, thump, thump" of gunships drowned out conversations among troops on the transports as the armored choppers flew over the two cities to help identify targets for the ships rockets. All 3 destroyers unloaded volley after volley of Hopscotch rockets making the 2 cities look like a series of small volcanoes were erupting inside them.

Kaos called out to his men moments before his landing craft reached the sandy beach. "Saddle up everyone! I'm gonna be with you all the way! Remember there's surfing, bikini babes and fresh swordfish for dinner once we're done!" They gave a big cheer except for a few female troopers who weren't too keen on the 'bikini babes' part.

There was no enemy fire at all as thousands of troops poured out onto the beach. Some of them were so eager for action that they were disappointed at not being fired upon. They assembled infront of their officers awaiting orders to attack the cities.

In MOC, Corny spoke orders to Kaos, "Have the officers ensure that the soldiers form proper ranks and perform a full call to arms drill before marching on the cities in tradition British military fashion."

Kaos felt weak. He wanted to give his officers complete freedom of action but now this order was going to destroy their morale for sure. He reluctantly issued the order over the short-wave radio and immediately the men formed up as ordered. It was a splendid sight, all the troops in red berets and fresh new camouflage uniforms with their black assault rifles standing in perfect array. It was madness.

Kaos felt stressed-out and anxious about the welfare of his troops the same as Dexters and Chrisius were feeling in the MOC room.

A bugle was sounded and the soldiers in their long lines began the drill. Each one in turn would perform an action such as twirling their rifle in a set manner and it looked like a domino reaction as the routine was repeated all the way up and down the lines.

The UK troops, standing out the open plains presented quite a nice target and in the nearby subburbs of Culiacan, villista riflemen had taken up position and started sniping. Shots rang out and screams could be heard as soldiers dropped here and there. One UK soldier went down one knee and fired off a few rounds into a shack. The officer in charge ran up, grabbed him by the shirt and ordered him back in line. The drill went on as if nothing was else was happening. Other soldiers were so nervous from the firing that they lost the rhythm of the drill and became flustered. Most of them were unblooded recruits who had never been under fire before.

Dexters and Chrisius exchanged more looks of shock behind Corny's back. Corny spoke again into the mike, "Make sure that the soldier who fired without orders is given 20 lashes infront of everyone once the cities are taken and give those who didn't perform the drill properly 10 lashes each."

More shots were fired by the villistas and more screams were heard as men fell. But the soldiers of the UK had their orders and orders were not easily disobeyed in the British army.

Finally the drill was complete and everyone yearned to get on with the battle at hand and get some payback for what the snipers were doing. But the fun wasn't over yet. Marching in parade style with rifles held across their chests in a stiff pose, they approached the cities in square formations. Officers yelled out the marching cadence, "Left right left right left right leeeeeft, left right...!"

Challenger tanks came in lines with all the tank commanders standing up their hatches with right hands held at their foreheads in salute positions and the tank barrels were pointed up and to the side at 45 degree angles.

These are 18th century tactics where the redcoats formed squares to maximize the effectiveness of their ancient muzzle-loaded muskets, thought Kaos. Not one shot was fired by the British and the rigid formations kept on marching in perfect unison towards the villistas who were having a turkey shoot. Then the bugle was sounded and the parade stopped at once. "Single shot ready, aim..." yelled the sargents together. The villista riflemen all rushed out the shacks into the alleyways to get away, some of them dropping their big round hats on the way. "Fire!"

It sounded like one big cannon going off and the shacks were blown to pieces by the fantastic firepower of all the rifles and tanks firing at once. Some of the villistas' hats came floating up through the air in the smoke and fire.

Kaos was an intelligent commander and knew this was not going to work for long, especially against the FARC troops in the city. He ordered his cameraman, "You stay here at the landing zone where its safe! I'm going in with the men!"

"But Lord Cornwallis ordered me to accompany you into battle!"

"Tell him the video camera's cord isn't long enough to reach the battle!"

"But its a cordless camera!"

"He doesn't know that!"

Kaos then ordered the camera-carrying gunships grounded with the reason that the smoke over the cities from the rocket barrages obscurred the view too much; in addition, he didn't want to deal with the civilian casualties and infrastructure damage caused by air attacks. With that done, the troops and tanks fanned out, properly using the terrain and buildings for cover and systematically went through and secured both the cities. They were virtually undefended. Only a few shell-shocked FARC units put up a minimal resistance before giving themselves up. They were no match for the infrared-equipped tanks and well-armed troops.

Once the all-clear was reported back to MOC, Corny turned to Dexters and Chrisius saying, "You're lucky I was here to personally take command of the operation or it would have been a total fiasco. As you can see I am well-versed in both city and open plains warfare resulting in the destruction of 21 enemy infantry units while we only suffered light casualties. As it was, you are responsible for the effective loss of one Type 42 destroyer which could have been avoided if you had secured a Right of Passage agreement with Hoth and used a proper overland route. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Absolutely sir."

"Excellent! Now read my book and reflect upon the way in which I handled this invasion. Don't bother coming back until you can be of some use to the military planning department."

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Oooh I hope that Corn on the cob guy gets boiled by Kaos or somethinng he really is a jerk.

As ever very entertaining stuff Scratch.

[Kaos XIII]

Unleash your napalm on the FARC, till they BUUUURN!!! And then drop some more on them, for burning.

P.S. I like G.I. Jane, she's a real ball breaker.

[steamthunk]

Nicely done. As always, some interesting over-the-top characters in your stories. The names of the places are indeed silly, but this seems to work with the outrageous actions and personalities of the characters. One thing, what does FARC stand for?

[unscratchedfoot]

Chris & Kaos, one never knows how these things will turn out so stay tuned for some pleasant, or horribly unpleasant, surprises.
steamthunk, FARC stands for Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia and the reason the letters don't match the words is because FARC stands for the Spanish translation. Anyways, thanks for reading my story.

Let's continue....

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Morning Chores

"Divide and conquer are key elements of control. Pit friends against friends and enemies against enemies, by setting up each one as an agent to spy on the other. Reward the rats by secretly promising reduced punishments for them only and they will both worship the commander and hate their best friends."
An exerpt on the qualities of a great leader from 'Military Master'


On the same day as the invasion, the Drug Cartels leader, Mendez, arrived by helicopter in Culiacan for peace talks. He was a typical long-haired, shady drug lord wearing shades complete with bad attitude up the ying-yang. Kaos met with him and after a brief shouting session, he finally agreed to give up his Advanced Bomber technology in exchange for peace and some luxuries in the Culiacan region including coffee and bull-fighting. Two of his remaining cities, Powder Keg and Nasal Burn, still had regions producing cocaine so the drug menace would continue. How many more high-school kids would be pushed into the terrible habit?


Chrisius looked up from the toilet he was scrubbing and said, "Man that victory parade was sick or what? I think Corny's become more of a national hero than either Nelson or King Richard the Lionheart ever were."

Dexters was working on the urinals. "Yeah, the way those hot young women crowded around Corny to hug and kiss him was too much for me to handle seeing. They even gave him their phone numbers and begged to meet him again. UK women just don't have any taste anymore do they?"

"Well, they sure seem to like the taste of ole Corny, just like a sweet piece of corn on the cob."

"Ooooooh, that's gross Chris! You're gonna make me toss my meatpies."

As punishment for the HMS Bearskin disaster, Cornwallis had assigned them to clean all the latrines, and instead of using the regular cleaning equipment, they were only given small brushes and no gloves so they could be nice and close to 'the goods' as Corny had put it.

"You wanna hear gross?" asked Chrisius. "The toilets are all splattered with the worst diarrhea I've ever seen. And its all dried on and crusted over. You get to do the toilets in the next restroom of course."

"It's from last night's dinner." answered Dexters. "The black pudding (*dried pig's blood made into a black cake*), hag and the appetizer of chewy pigs' rectums must have done it to all those officers that ate it. I wouldn't go near that stuff. I think Corny may have planned the menu just so we'd have a real mess to clean up the next morning. As for the urinals, I reckon the staff here could use some quality time on the firing range."

"Yeah, those arrogant planning department staff really don't care do they?"

"You know, I don't think I can handle Corny much longer. I'm gonna snap or something one of these days." Dexter had been moaning about Corny all morning about how he abused his authority and the 'atrocities' he was committing upon the UK army.

Chrisius replied, "Take it easy. I heard that he's probably gonna become the new governor of Culiacan and put Kaos in charge of the ex-druggy city of East Hastings. He said he'll be quite busy 'straightening the place up', whatever that means, which'll leave us here in peace at the operations center and in charge of military planning again. I hope anyways."

"That would be nice. I wish someone had a nuke to use on Culiacan."

[unscratchedfoot]

Crushed Tomatoes and a Big Watermelon

"In planning an attack, always choose the way which will maximize your casualties. Three benefits will accrue: one, it culls out the weaker soldiers, two, your soldiers will adapt to violent warfare and become elite warriors, and three, you will reduce your payroll expense. Likewise, try to inflict as few casualties as possible upon the enemy to deny him the same benefits."
A valuable lesson on attack planning from 'Military Master'


Two weeks after the toilet cleaning experience, Dexters and Chrisius sat relaxing in the war room.

"Today's gonna be something special. We got both Von Vermin and G.I. Jane showing up at the same time for a little diplomacy." said Chrisius.

"Yeah, this is gonna be a good show. The two most short-tempered devils to ever set foot on Antarctica. I guess the Queen is gonna wimp out and leave the diplomacy up to us again isn't she?" asked Dexter.

"Yup, she hasn't made a public appearance since the victory parade. You do realize Von Vermin may be coming here to deliver a declaration of war don't you? After all, The 4th Reich is at war with 6 other clans and he's already finished off the natives, rednecks and the iziCwa."

"I know and I can't believe he took out the iziCwa when they used to be the strongest clan. Them blacks were pretty hard-core. I guess they just bit off more than they could chew with fighting the asians, Gandhi fans, rednecks and skinheads all at the same time."

Just then a young uniformed woman came in the room and said in a uncomfortably high-pitched voice, "There is an incoming transmission for you in the operations room from Kaos. Shall I inform him you will be receiving it?"

"Yes, please." answered Chrisius and they ran to the elevator and went down ten stories below ground to the operations room.

Kaos's smiling face appeared on all 26 monitors in the room. "Hey man, what are you so happy about?" asked Dexters as he plonked down in one of the comfortable leather chairs. He sensed good news coming. He needed it.

"I got some really good news and a couple bits of really bad news too. You're gonna like this." said Kaos. Chrisius and Dexters leaned forward towards the monitors in happy eagerness. "Ole Corny's in enemy hands right now and is being tortured. We got a video of it." Dexters' face lit up like the sun.

"Sweet Mary Jane, how did that happen!?!" gasped Chrisius also overjoyed.

"A hispanic man just sold us a home video he shot in Culiacun yesterday. Cheap bastard wanted $10,000 American dollars for it which we had to have specially flown in from Meatpie. Anyways, like I said, there is bad news for us too. Eight UK infantry brigades assigned to hold Culiacun just mutinied yesterday. We've lost them and the city for certain. And we can't take the city back using the East Hastings garrison without reopening the war since our own troops effected the transfer. Mendez promised them a life of ease on the beach fully paid for by cocaine proceeds. Apparently the troops never hesitated for a moment."

"Oooooh no... anyways tells us more about the torture!" Dexters sounded like a kid waiting for presents on his birthday.

"Here, see for yourself. I'll upload it to ya. Accept the transfer."

Chrisius was so excited about seeing the video that he had to mouseclick 5 times on the 'accept transfer' button before he hit it.

On the monitors, Kaos was replaced by an image of Corny tied-up spread-eagle in only his briefs nearby the crowded outdoor market in downtown Culiacun. People of all ages were lining up to pelt him with various kinds of over-ripe fruit and vegetables and were giggling with delight. During pauses in the produce throwing, kids ran up and stuck pins in his toes. Corny yelled out ferociously, "This is preposterous!! I'll make sure you all are punished for... AAGH!!" A fat tomato splattered on his face cutting off his threat. This was immediately followed up by a piece of brocolli beaning him in the head. Just as a beefy man was winding up to heave a huge watermelon at him the video ended.

"There are rumors that he was given 20 lashes in public and was half-boiled in a big pot of water over a fire before the soldiers gave him over to the hispanics but I really don't know if that's true or not. He looks a little red in the video but its probably from all the tomato juice running down him." explained Kaos.

"Why did they mutiny and why do the people hate Corny so much?" asked Chrisius.

"Doesn't everybody?" muttered Dexters.

"After the Queen appointed him governor of Culiacun, he issued a strict code of behavior for the people to follow entitled 'The Lord's Commandments'." said Kaos. For example, instead of the baggy, loose clothing they wear to keep cool in the heat, he ordered them to dress in strict English fashion and anyone not complying was forced to attend day-long seminars instructing them on the matter. Women were not allowed to wear low-neck blouses or show more than 10 cm of their forearms. The list of commandments was long however. Too add to this, he ordered the construction of a huge statue of himself to be put up next to the government buildings.

Kaos continued, "Corny was also preparing to use the captured FARC troops as policemen and the people hate the FARC. After the mutiny, they found a napalm canister left-over by the Drug Cartel forces and they rubbed the gel all over the tied-up FARC prisoners and torched them."

Chrisius sighed and said, "I'm sure glad its all over."

"Actually, you'd better hear the next bad news before you celebrate too much. The Queen is quite fond of Corny and is arranging a ransom to pay for his return. We're talking about truckloads of cash here."

"Damn, we gotta put a stop to that!" yelled Dexters.

"No one can cross the Queen's authority. Besides we got a possible confrontation with the skinheads to worry about." Chrisius said to Dexters and he turned back to the monitor. "Anyways, thanks Kaos, and try not to be mutinied yourself down there okay pal?"

"He he, no worries. The folks here got me learning bull-fighting so they couldn't hate me too much now could they?"

"I don't know about that, sounds dangerous. Look, we gotta run. G.I. Jane and Von Vermin are scheduled to come by anytime now."

"Well don't let that snively Vermin hurt Jane. I think she's a babe. Okay see you later." Kaos disappeared from the monitor.

Chrisius and Dexters headed back up to the war room to receive their guests. They couldn't ever remember being so happy.

[The Bloody Baro]

Corny reminds me of Monty from WWII. How when everything is going wrong due to him he's always thinking of ways to get a higher command.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

Gee Scratchy thanks for the spattered pans,

[Kaos XIII]

@ the toilet cleaning experience and Corny's torture.

I think dexters and chrisius are up to something.