Royal Service

[forgorin]

[unscratchedfoot]

forgorin, would you please stop messing up my story thread with your nonsense which is turning off readers. Let's forget all this mishmash and kick-back, grab some popcorn and your favorite drink and just enjoy the story.

A Most Pleasant Little Get Together

"Confusion and the variation of it are crucial to the proper instructing of soldiers. Order your troops to carry a heavy load from Point A to Point B. Upon arriving in Point B, harshly scold them for not having gone to Point C. If they remind you of the original order to go to Point B, have them punished. By the same logic, if they try to defeat confusion by subsequently go directly from Point A to Point C, simply have them punished for insubordination."
A lesson on the professional training of troops from 'Military Master'


Just as Chrisius and Dexters arrived in the war room, the girl with the high-pitched voice came running up and said, "There's another incoming transmission from Field Marshall Lord Cornwallis! He's demanding your attention at once!" Her voice squeaked so loud that Chrisius had to resist the temptation to cover his ears.

They both were rather shocked and Chrisius said, "Very well."

Back in the operations room, Corny's ugly old mug in all the monitors made a awful eyesore of the room. He did look surpising upbeat considering the recent happenings.

Dexters looked like someone had put diarrhea in his coffee.

"How are you today gentlemen?" asked Corny in his usual stiff voice. His image was jiggling around and the 2 generals soon realized he was riding on top of an M113 armored personnel carrier. Behind him were scores of tanks and more M113's bumping and jostling along the rough terrain. "As you can see we are on the move in force. With me are 18 tank brigades, 6 M113 mechanized infantry units and following up are 8 infantry brigades on foot. Our objective is Hoth."

The same question was on both the generals' minds, Why isn't he still having produce thrown at him? This is not fair. And why didn't Kaos mention all this? He surely must have known about it.

The camera view switched to Hoth in the distance. Out of the jungle and forest rose towering snow-capped mountains all across the horizon. The ominous sight reminded Chrisius of when he used to read fantasy stories as a child and the hero ventured off into the evil lands to battle a powerful enemy.

Corny went on, "Behind those moutains lies a huge plateau of ice and snow, suspended by the rocky bluffs far higher up than we are now at. In there lies the enemy - the rotten skinhead clan. They've taken over half the Scandinavian territory and are currently reducing their last strongholds with concentrated tank attacks supported by ground troops. The Drug Cartels are also attacking the Scandinavians from this side using M60A3 main battle tanks and FARC troops supported by Huey choppers, and what's more, the skinheads and junkies are also battling each other."

Chrisius and Dexters were disgusted. What was Corny thinking and who let him out? The Queen must have paid the ransom. The weirdest thing was they weren't even at war with the skinheads yet.

"Corny... uh.. sorry, Lord Cornwallis, why is it you are attacking and we aren't even at war with the skinheads yet?" asked Dexters with a beet red face.

"von Vermin is scheduled to meet you soon and we are anticipating a declaration of war. Being the genius commander I am, I have arranged for a pre-emptive retaliatory strike to punish that insolent horde of no-good scoundrels." Corny was too busy flattering himself to notice the nickname just applied to him. "Anyways, why are you down in the operations room when you should be upstairs to meet your guests! You need to wake-up gentlemen!"

The generals sighed deeply and dutifully headed back upstairs again.

They were only in the war room for a moment when the staff girl squeaked, "von Vermin is here. Please await his attendance." Then she scampered off.

Dexters frowned and said to Chrisius, "If her voice were any higher tone only dogs would be able to hear her."

Chrisius smiled and said, "Be careful what you say now. That snively von Vermin has a reputation for coming to meetings in soft-soled shoes so he can sneak up outside rooms and eavesdrop for awhile before entering. He's heard a lot of juicy gossip that way and he knows how to use it against people."

At that moment, Hitler wannabe von Vermin, "the sniveler" as he was often referred to by other clan leaders, came walking in, his shoes making no sound at all. He was leader of the notorius clan, The Fourth Reich, whose goal was to implement an evil nazi dictatorship over the whole isle of Antarctica and enslave countless innocents in brutal hard labor. Unfortunately for all the other clans, he had built up the military to quite possibly do it.

"I heard what you said about the receptionist and I shall be telling her of it on my way out of this pigsty. Of course, a favorable outcome of today's diplomacy for the noble Fourth Reich may change my mind." von Vermin talked with his head held high and slightly back, looking like he was trying to show-off his nostril hairs. He had dark brown hair, a bushy moustache and a face which bespoke his character - snively.

Dexters replied, "Vermin, is it true that you are wearing a fake moustache because when you tried to grow your own it came out too thin and stringy?"

Vermin was indignant, "Pah! If you're going to be rude, I will most certainly inform the young lady of your insulting remark!"

Chrisius held his hands up at his side and said with a smile, "Gentlemen, gentlemen, please! Let's have a pleasant little chat now shall we? Vermin are you aware that G.I. Jane is coming by as well?"

"I'm all prepared." Vermin, with a cocky look, tapped his groin with a pen which made a hollow sound like hitting plastic. "I strapped on my ice hockey cup because I know what she did to Fidel Castro Junior. I'm settling down soon and do want to make a few little vermin of my own."

this episode to be continued soon...

[SKILORD]

and it damn well better be continued soon.

I fail to understand the reason why the opinion of a receptionist is so damn important to these men.

There are a few areas you could have handled better, it is certainly not your best work, I also, for some reason, do nott like the feel of "Fidel Castrol Junior". I might have some reccomendations... on another day, but I am presently ill and so must be to bed. There is also the fact that I have to be at work at 9 tomorrow (An unimaginable hour for a teenager in the summer).

I think the dialouge needs tweaking here mostly, though there are other faults

Just... write summore and hope it comes out better.

[forgorin]

Great. Cant wait to here the rest. I hope Corny gets whats comming to him

[forgorin]

You should repost your Yamamoto story.

[unscratchedfoot]

"fidel castro junior" is an unavoidable name because he is actually fidel's son (this game is in the future) and look at the picture of him Castro picture used in my mod
While we're on the subject here's von Vermin's picture too, scroll down a bit von Vermin


"Whaddya mean? What happened to him? We hardly ever talk to him." said Dexters.

Fidel Castro was of many sons of the Cuban dictator and was given the same name to continue on as the new Cuban dictator after his father croaked. During the Siberian War, the Asians thoroughly routed the Russians and North Koreans of whom a small number escaped to a frozen northern island with the help of the Cubans. This guaranteed Cuban dominance over the commie clan.

"He made a grumpy remark to Jane who kicked him so hard he almost lost the use of his unit." answered Vermin with a chuckle.

"Too bad it didn't finish it or we'd be calling him Castrated Castro." quipped Chrisius.

"Ooooohhh man that is corny. Cornwallis must be rubbing off on ya." moaned Dexters.

The receptionist came to the door, "UN leader G.I. Jane is here to meet with you. She's accompanied by Fidel Castro." she said and ran off again.

"Hey wait!" yelled Vermin. "These guys said your voice makes dogs yelp!"

"Who the hell cares anyway? And why is Castro coming too?" complained Dexters.

"Actually she's one of Corny's little bunnies so anything you say to her gets reported directly to him." answered Chrisius. "Which means insulting her translates into more latrine-cleaning time for you."

Dexters rolled his eyes up and slumped his shoulders. "Corny's always trying to work us into a lose-lose situation isn't he?"

"Yup, divide and conquer. It's his way of managing things. We can only hope it all comes back on that arrogant geezer sometime."

"I'll make sure 'the little bunny' hears about that comment too." said Vermin with another snively little chuckle.

G.I. Jane walked into the room, pounding her boot heels into the floor perfectly unlike the soft-footed Vermin. "Hi there. Oooooo, look what the cat dragged in." She hardly glanced at Vermin but everyone knew who the comment was directed at. Behind her came dohboy Castro. He was a short fat man with a brown bushy beard and looked quite like his father in his younger years.

Vermin, as cunning as he was, was also a coward. He knew that responding in kind to Jane would only land him in a world of pain. He kept uncharacteristically quiet.

"What's the matter, you hyena-faced rodent? Cat got your tongue?" Jane smirked, showing a rare bit of emotion.

Chrisius clapped his hands together and said, "Well then, now that the pleasantries are over shall we get on with the meeting?"

"Hello Castrated Castro." said Dexters who was too caught up in the mood to let it go.

Castro just grunted and his lip curled into a snarl. Unlike his father he was a quiet one and most people tended to attribute his lack of verbosity to a very low IQ.

Vermin took two long envelopes out from a leather breafcase and handed one to Chrisius and the other to Jane. The envelopes were grey with the German coat of arms onfront with its Wehrmacht helmet and bayonet knife, and on the back was an official wax seal.

"Hey, don't I get one?" complained Castro like an ignored 8-year old kid.

"Ah, no."

Chrisius had no doubt as to the contents of the envelopes.

"You low-down, back-stabbing, yellow-snow eating, S.O.B. snively nazi punk! Now that you're finished with exterminating the poor native indians, you gotta find some new meat don't ya? The UK has never done a thing to deserve this you rotten..." Chrisius wasn't known for bad-mouthing people but when pushed his could sure say a mouthful.

Vermin was shocked. He walked up so close to Chrisius that their chins almost touched. "What in living hell are you talking about? I come all the way here to invite you to my wedding and I get this crapload?"

Chrisius ripped open the envelope in a panic. Sure enough, it was a card and the front said, "Wedding Invitation". He opened it up and read the message. 'In a spirit of friendship between our two great clans, we hereby cordially invite you to join us for a wonderful wedding on the 7th day of July...'

Jane still had her usual bored, pouty look and just twirled the envelope around like a worthless pizza flyer.

Vermin snatched the card from Chrisius's hands, took a pencil from a nearby desk and started scribbling away on it like mad. Everyone just stood and stared. A moment later Vermin handed the card back to Chrisius. "Maybe you'll prefer this version, you toilet-scrubbing dork. The receptionist told me all about your morning chores after your disaster landing."

The front of the card had the word 'wedding' crossed out and replaced with 'War'. The message inside was altered to say, 'In a spirit of hatred between our two clans, we hereby resentfully invite you to join us for a wonderful war starting as soon as our tanks are in position.' Chrisius was speechless. He was too filled with regret to say anything at all.

Vermin asked, "Do you mind if I use your photocopy machine?"

"Sure, go ahead." answered Chrisius like a zombie.

Vermin again grabbed the card from Chrisius's hands and made 2 photocopies of it, handing them to Jane and Castro.

"I'm gonna use the photocopier too." declared Jane.

"Can I use it too?" asked Castro in his usual dopey way.

After a few minutes everyone had handed a copy of the card to everyone else. War was declared by all against all. Chrisius got so into it he even gave a copy of it to Dexters by mistake.

Jane gave Vermin a nasty look. "So you're gonna drop the hammer on us peacekeepers. You're a real man aren't ya?"

"Sure why not? Its about time someone spanked you for that sourpuss attitude of yours."

The kick came right on schedule lifting Vermin off the floor and landing him on his back. He rolled over into a ball while holding his balls and groaned, "Oh the pain! I can't take it!"

"Vermin..." Chrisius actually sounded concerned. "...what about the cup?"

Vermin shuffled a bit and pulled out the cup which was now in two pieces. The kick had busted it right in half which was very bad news for Vermin.

"Uh oh." said Dexters who was doing a poor job of hiding his delight. "You're a real ballcrusher aren't ya woman?"

Jane was still twirling the envelope around looking just as bored and pouty as ever. "That's right."

"I got news for ya. Kaos wants to go on a date with you." said Dexters.

*********************************************

Next is rumble time! The British, Germans, Russians, UN, Finns, and Druggies all get it on in a bone-crushing battle with a cool outcome. This was the climatic battle of my game with mammoth destruction and carnage.

[forgorin]

The photocopier was too funny. Had me in stitches. keep it up.

[vovan]

Russians and Finns eh? That could be interesting - we like to make fun of each other. Of course, Finns lack any sense of humour, but they try.

Any way, please keep 'em coming, those goods.

Oh, and the mandatory:

[ChrisiusMaximus]

That GI Jane sounds like a fiesty chick are you sure shes not madly in love with Chrisius.

[unscratchedfoot]

Thanks for your feedback forgorin, vova and Chris.


The Finnish War


The mountains protecting the great plateau of Hoth were all but insurmountable even to the combined powerhouse armies of the Germans and the communists. Russian armor commanders had adapted to the eternal slaughter of their advanced T-90 tanks and BMPs by having flatdeck transport trucks equipped with powerful hydraulic jacks accompany the units into battle. That way, the fresh burnt-out hulks could quickly be loaded up and sent back for recycling.

The Germans just left their carnage strewn over the battlefields which was building up to the point where the still operational vehicles could hardly move through the mess. Their heavy Leopard 2 tanks were possibly the best in the world in open warfare, but were hardly the weapon of choice for arctic mountains.

The FARC forces ran into the same problem on the east side of the Hoth ring of mountains. The snow-capped mountains could only be assaulted by armored vehicles moving single-file up dangerously steep, treacherous roads carved into near-vertical cliffs. Troops alone would be annihilated by the well-entrenched defenders. The harsh wind and constant snowfall added misery to a near impossible task for the jungle dwellers. Given precise planning, skillful engineering and artic-equipped vehicles with veteran operators, they may have even made it up the icy, narrow roads were they unopposed. But the Finnish troops charged with holding the peaks were masters of their environment and massacred the FARC forces day after day turning the roads into tank graveyards.

Half-way up Y46, the name of the mountain they were currently working on, a group of FARC officers had gathered around a map and were desperately trying to come up with some way to 'break the ice'. The Finns had them stopped cold, and as far up the road as they could see, there were nothing but hulks of destroyed tanks with dead FARC troops littering the ground around them. Far down the snow-covered cliffs, there were many more destroyed tanks and bodies which had been pushed off the roads by engineers using bulldozers trying to keep the path clear. Most of the officers were losing heart in the fight and just wanted to go back to their warm and sunny homeland.

"Until the objectives of Operation Raptor are complete we will fight on! Don't lose your fighting spirit yet for this is only the first phase. We expected a tough fight and remember, it builds character!" Colonel Morallis, dressed in a long overcoat, a cap with fleece earmuffs, black gloves and boots, wasn't the smartest of commanders but he did his best. He was one of the few members of the cartel military who didn't use narcotics and was through and through a loyal military man who lived for war.

Morallis stood with his hands clasped behind his back and he stared down at the map as he spoke. "As you were briefed, Operation Raptor requires us to utilize two avenues of attack so one will distract the enemy while the other attack will be able to break through. So far the Scandinavians have destroyed our tanks with their sophisticated AT rockets and employed fire and manoeuvre tactics to inflict heneous casualties upon our soldiers. Their white and grey artic camo makes them pretty much invisible to us and force us to rely on spray-and-pray fire saturation to try and reduce their positions. Cut off from their resources, they have no armor at all. Cap'n, what's the word on the road?"

"Colonel, the engineers have declared the main road to be impassable for up to 48 hours due to the build-up of wrecks. Several bulldozers have also been knocked out by hit-and-run attacks from the rocks above."

The conversation was temporarily halted while an attack chopper roared overhead towards the peaks to unload ordinance on the Finns.

"And what kind of progress are the troops making up the other pass?" The second pass was designed to be a roundabout route to sneak troops in behind the Finns while they were busy battling the main attack.

"They're being mauled sir. We've had 80% casualties or more among the leading elements. The Finns keep changing their positions among the peaks above so we can't get a fix on them and they launch occasional counter-attacks which are devastating. If our troops attack they get mowed down by machinegun fire. If they stop, enemy snipers make a meal of them and if they retreat the enemy immediately retakes the territory and continues it all over again."

The Colonel nodded. "Thank you, Cap'n. So I'd like to hear some ideas any of you might have on how to break this impasse. We have reinforcements coming in steadily so don't worry about the casualties too much."

One officer looked appauled. "Colonel, are you aware that the Red Army forces intercepting units coming from the homeland are thinning out our reinforcements by up to 50%? Have you seen the photos of the long lines of T-90 tanks coming north which are superior to our out-numbered M60 tanks?"

The colonel held up his head and said, "I don't give a sh*t who's coming from where, who's being fired at by who or who's coming on who, just worry about what's happening up here. If you think the boys in the field are having a hard time of it, just be glad you're up here in this icy hell. Any ideas gentlemen?" The colonel stood up and down on the toes of his boots while waiting for a response. None came.

"Very well then, I will inform headquarters to intiate phase II of Operation Raptor. May God help them Finns."

[Kaos XIII]

Hi!

YEAH!!! Kill them all! Kill them all! Looking forward to hearing about Phase II of Operation Raptor.

Looks like I missed a lot of the fun. BTW, G.I. Jane rocks. I like the photocopier scenario.

I wonder what you have in store for the latrine cleaners. I just hope Kaos doesn’t join them.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

They'll probably have to use Kaos as the toilet brush

Just kidding cause he wont be able to continue his story with his head stuck down the can.

Good stuff Scratch keep it coming and more power to your elbow.

[steamthunk]

Still entertaining. Having now read more, I'd have to say that I'm a bigger fan of the prose parts of this story than the dialogue parts. I don't mean that the dialogue is necessarily bad, but the parts where you do lots of it are less satisfying to me than, say, the latest segment. In a way, it feels like almost 2 different stories are being written here - a comical one and a more serious one. I had to really check back one post to make sure I hadn't missed something and mistakenly read a different story! The style is that different.

[unscratchedfoot]

Thanks for your feedback everyone. Chris, you just might end up back in a toilet again but nothing's for sure. Too bad I didn't have vova in there doing a few chores too.

Originally posted by steamthunk
In a way, it feels like almost 2 different stories are being written here - a comical one and a more serious one.

If you think that way you're in for a big surprise. As for the dialogue, I suppose its not so good considering skiloaf said the same. Why is it bad exactly? Too goofy? Unrealistic or just plain tacky? I'd like to know so I can improve on things in future stories.

This story's not meant to be comical or serious, just a usual civ3 game story. My next story's definitely going to be a serious one.

Kaos, there's a nice bloodbath coming up so hold on tight, especially when the British take on the Germans up on the plateau. Not too many u them boyas on either side comin home in one piece aye tell ya. And them FARC's were churned up like fodder the whole game from what I could see of their battles with the Finns and Russians. I kept them under surveillance using choppers.

[steamthunk]

Why is it bad exactly? Too goofy? Unrealistic or just plain tacky? I'd like to know so I can improve on things in future stories.

Foot, I didn't say it was bad. It's just feedback on how I felt. Two comments:

1. Personal bias. I had a similar comment to Skilord in "Peacemakers" about using descriptions to set a stage. Helps me envision the setting and I like that. Other people may not find it that important.

2. Contrast. Going from the Gi Jane/Castro/Chrisius/Cornwall dialogue which is meant to be funny (or at least that's how I interpreted it) to the tank kill zone part the tone seem of the story changed a lot. The latter was much more serious sounding. It's jarring to have some characters represented tongue-in-cheek and others not. It's like having Dr. Evil be very serious in the world of Austin Powers. That's what I was getting at.