Royal Service

[unscratchedfoot]

I'm going to continue this story in another story thread. This one is too convoluted with steadily decreasing number of readers, and I can make it into something better only focussing on the sniper story. The new story will be called "The Hit".

Also, I'm not going to use any writers' names because I think some of them were offended as I noted Dexters, skiloaf and the guitarist have stopped reading my story. So the next story will be very serious with no humor at all, like grade 11 biology class with Mr. Hainsworth except more interesting. The storyline will be almost the same with some changes and it will start exactly where this one left off. New readers won't need to read this though to understand it.

So look out for it!

[Kaos XIII]

Originally posted by unscratchedfoot
So the next story will be very serious with no humor at all, like grade 11 biology class with Mr. Hainsworth except more interesting.

Hi!

Grade 11 biology class, definately had no humor , or is it humour.

Anyway, I'll miss the funny stuff, especially the highly trained "Diarrhea Cleansers."

Looking forward to "The Hit."

[unscratchedfoot]

With one exception, Lazarus the Gimp will show up in the next story because his part as Forgorin's mentor is irreplaceable. Also, I may finish off this story from the game perspective like the Hoth situation and Corny, the toilet pros, etc.

Will Corny ever reap what he sows?

[ChrisiusMaximus]

He ought to !

[TheDarkCavalier]

This is AWESOME!!!

[forgorin]

What ever you do I hope that you also finish this thread in game !

[unscratchedfoot]

Village Defence


Vova looked around at the tall leafy trees waving in the hot, dry afternoon wind. After the failure of him and the bodyguards to protect Mendez's cottage from intrusion, he had been reassigned to the field as the captain of a newly formed tank brigade. The squawk of some birds grabbed his attention briefly. He help up his binoculars to help identify them. Yellow-billed magpies, common in this region.

He put down his binoculars and had a quick look over the 200 new recruits just sent up from boot camp. They were all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed just as Vova himself had been when he joined the regular army for the first time, years ago. The stood at attention not moving at all, even their eyes stared straight ahead in the manner drilled into them by their drill instructors.

The village was an abandoned attempt by the Russians to expand into FARC territory. The war had forced many cartel hispanics back out of the country of stubby rolling hills, countless fields partitioned by fences, bushes and huge oak trees. The Russians had tried several times to colonize this no-man's land but were treated in kind by the FARC, at no small cost to the latter.

"Pick your tanks and stay with your assigned crews!" Vova had finished the usual pep talk and watched the newbie crews running pellmell towards the 50 tanks, hoping to be first to grab the best ones. For the tanks were not all equal. It was obvious from the chorus of curses when the crewmen realized this.

"#$@*&!! There's no laser rangefinder and ballistic computer in this thing! And where're the intercoms and headsets?"

Another rant from another tank, "No machineguns!?! Both the .30 and the 7.62 coaxil are missing! There's an old bolt-action rifle fitted to the machine port instead with another old rifle attached to the turret on top. This is gonna be nice."

Yet another, "You know what's worse? There's no cushioning on the driver's seat, just springs sticking up from a metal plate! How am I supposed to sit on that and drive over the bumpy ground!?!"

"Ours has the rangefinder and computer, but not only are the damn things broken beyond any hope of repair, there are flecks of blood and ripped uniform dried onto the sides of the interior! I thought these were supposed to be new tanks!"

Vova called out, "You sound like a gaggle of women in a handbag store on bargain day. Just be happy with what you're getting. Some of the tanks are new and some are recovered tanks that were lost in battle. The reason for the lack of equipment is that the munitions and electionics suppliers can't keep up with either the armor production factories or the attrition from fighting a 3-front war. All the good parts go to the veteran divisions."

Vova waited for the curses and and complaining among the crews to die down before continuing. "If you look to the ammo storage tubes to the left of the driver and the back of the turret you will see that each tank has only 4 rounds in it. According to statistics, that's all the average tank gets to fire before it is destroyed."

Then came man more curses and load moaning. "We don't have much time to prepare. Recon reports a Russian battle group coming to clear out this village for reappropriation and will be here within the hour. Your task is too take out as many of them as you can before you go down under fire. They are heading here with 3 battalions of T-90 tanks with plenty of infantry supporting it. I'm going to retire to a nice villa well to the rear of the village to do some bird watching. Good luck, although it won't change the outcome for you at all. I've assigned 2 squads of military police armed with heavy machine guns and Dragon anti-tank missiles to watch from behind for retreaters, giver-upers or deserters. All will be destroyed. And don't try driving away because the fuel tanks are almost empty."

The new crewmen had been recently drafted into the army to replace the appalling losses and they were not prepared to be smitten in their first engagement. An atmosphere of doom crushed their spirits to the point that they no longer even complained hardly at all.

An officer assigned to assist Vova said in a low voice, "Cap'n, was it necessary to add in that last part?"

"Of course. I've been reading Cornwallis's 'Military Master' recently and have learned a lot about leadership and tactics. I'm just going by the book."

"Ok sir, as long as you know what you are doing."

Vova and the officer turned around and started to get into a jeep when a voice called out.

"Captain Vova, I have another good idea to go along with that!" It was a tank commander named, Matthew Hayden.

"Well out with it then!"

"If we're all gonna be cooked within an hour, why have 4 crews to operated gutted tanks? I think 2 is plenty for each tank so the other half can be spared."

Vova looked thoughtful for a moment and then replied, "Excellent idea soldier. Every tank remit 2 crewmen to me and I want only the loudest crewmen. That's right, decide on the 2 loudest of each crew and send them to me. And hurry up with it!"

There was great excitement among the crewmen, suddenly dispelling the previous gloom, as they all assumed they would be the ones selected to be spared from the coming fight to the death. Great bellows, hollars and hoops came from each tank as the members competed to be the loudest.

The din continued for some time and nothing being decided, Vova got impatient and fired a round from his pistol into the air to get their attention. "Decide by straws if you yahoos can't figure it out!"

So one member of each crew assembled 4 straws from dried grass on the ground next to the tanks and hid them between their hands for the others to pull them out by their tips. Either the longest or shortest decided the lucky ones.

Finally the 100 winners were assembled behind the tanks, giddy with relief. "About time you ladies got it together. Alright now, lets all head into the village. Follow me, and run!" Vova led them in his jeep through the streets.

They arrived at a large, shabby wooden warehouse. Once inside the dark musty shack, illuminated only by sunbeams poking through cracks in the walls and the open front doors. "Here are stacked all the arms we captured from the Russian colonists we drove outa here. They've been slated for destruction but we can still use them. Grab a gun each."

The men, very reluctantly and with growing remorse, picked up the antiquated rifles and rusty submachine guns.

"If you're lucky there might still be a round or two left in 'em but I doubt it. You're gonna head on out infront of the tanks and get yourselves into those trenches going around the village. Those are irrigation ditches which the Russian farmers seem to have used for shoveling chicken dung into. It'll be mixed with the water keeping it moist enough for you to sink into. You'll be up to your waist in the slop if you kneel in the low ditches but it'll protect you a bit. Be careful about Russian high-explosive rounds setting of the sulphuric gas building up in those ditches."

The 'winners' looked like they'd been sentenced to death. Actually, they kind of were really.

One worried, wavering voice spoke up, the voice of a tiny hope of deliverance. "Sir, why did you want 'the loudest' people to come forth?"

"Ah yes, thanks for reminding me. Because the guns have no ammo, when the Russians attack, I want you all to point your guns at them and yell Bang! Bang! as loud as you can so they think you're shooting at them. I learned this ingenious tactic from the book 'Military Master'. Therefore, the Russians will waste time taking you out so that our tanks survive long enough to fire off their rounds. Hurry up now! I'll tell my 2 MP squads to make sure you all get into position."

[ChrisiusMaximus]

where oh where do you get your inspiration from Scratch

[vovan]

Awesome stuff, scratch.

[unscratchedfoot]

Three Stooges and an Errand Boy



Paddy the Scot gulped as he approached one of the double door entrances to the military college lecture hall where Lord Cornwallis was giving a VIP guest lecture to a class of freshmen. It was one of the biggest lecture rooms with up to 400 students in class. Even from outside, Paddy had no difficulty in hearing Corny's voice being amplified through the mike.

"As we military folks you and I all know, amateurs talk tactics while experts talk logistics. But the true masters of warfare talk diometric ergonomics. It is the amateurs and so-called experts who then ask, 'what is diometric ergonomics?' It's easy to spot a fool isn't it?" Corny gave a sarcastic chuckle and the audience joined him.

Laughing loudest though not sure why were the keeners in the front row, who read the textbook 'Military Master' like it was the bible itself. Towards the back of the class, the laughter faded into eyes rolling upwards or others too spaced out to hear what was going on. Fans or not, most of the students were amused by Corny's endless tales of crushing military victories he and his fellow British generals had carried out during the war in Siberia during the global warming flood by following Corny's apparently brilliant strategies.

Paddy eased open the door and waved his arms to try and grab Corny's attention at the other end of the large downward slanting, semi-circle hall. Corny looked up and with an irritated look and then said with faked cheefulness, "Excuse me for a moment everyone. There is a matter of extreme urgency I must attend to concerning military matters."

With long strides skipping 3 stairs at a time and holding his ever-present walking cane in one hand, Corny made his way to the back of the room.

Once outside, Corny became livid. Paddy was not well-liked among the upper echelon of officers mostly due to his friendship with Chrisius and Dexters. "Do you mind explaining to me young man why you had the nerve to interrupt my presentation with no doubt some more of your ignorant..." Corny stopped sputtering as 2 more generals, dressed in the same dull brown uniform as Corny, came around the corner on queue. They had deliberately set up the low-ranking Paddy to call on Corny to avoid angering him themselves.

Immediately forgeting about the interruption, Corny smiled gayly and called out, "Roger and Jack! It's always a pleasure to see you two fellows! I was just lecturing another round of nitwits who are thoroughly sold on my book it seems. That was a jolly good time we had in the whirlpool last night wasn't it?"

"Um sir, you better turn off your collar mike." said Paddy, trying to resist smirking at the rising chatter coming from the lecture hall.

"Tsk!" Corny panicked and grabbed at the small wireless mike attached to his collar to shut it off. "I always forget this bloody thing."

The 2 tall, slender generals were similar to Corny, not surprising since the 3 of them were drinking pals going all the way back to their own student days. Roger and Jack both had completely shaved heads except for small tufts of hair left under their lower lips unlike Corny's waxed mustache, but they walked in the same haughty manner as Corny, taking long strides and pushing their heads back as far as they would go and their highly decorated bony chests forward.

The trio was well-known for going to a bar called The Merry Taxpayer at precisely 9:30 pm on Wednesday and Saturday to exchange gossip. In the latest session listened to by most of the customers there at the time, in between bellows of laughter they bragged in turn about their most imaginative punishments they dolled out on soldiers and officers at every chance. Ranking their best, Corny was in 3rd place with his idea of fixing the menu to cause rampant diarrhea and then ordering Chrisius and Dexters to clean the splattered toilets the next day. In second place was Jack who had caught a group of graduates having a Military Master book burning party. They had to write out the whole book 3 times before being released from prison and they lost their degrees. In first place was Roger, notorius for his embarrassing punishments. His idea was on Ladies Night, when all the female support staff and friends come to the barracks for a beer garden, he forced a group of fellows slated for punishment to skip around the barracks doing The Bucking Donkey which involved bucking like a horse, slapping their buttocks in the process and yelling like a donkey at the top of their lungs 'heehaw' for several hours while being followed by military police. Several were given lashes for not heehawing loud enough.

Roger returned Corny's gay smile and said, "That was quite a gaggle of sweet young gals you brought along. Anyways, we're here to tell you about a chance that's come up for you to yet again dazzle the world with your brilliance."

"Well don't keep me waiting for the good news." clucked Corny.

"Kaos' tank and mechanized infantry divisions have won a critical battle on the Hoth plateau against the Germans and although having suffered severe losses and been almost wiped out in the process, they are in position to easily take the central city of Hoth which is only lightly garrisoned. You see Lord, the German's northern army was destroyed in the battle and it will take them quite some time to send up another army from their southern strongholds."

"Yes yes, excellent. I can remove Kaos as commander, assume command myself and then declare a great victory once the city's been taken. Oh my, this is a goody indeed! The people will love me! And you 3 of course will accompany me, including the errand boy." Corny's smile vanished as he glanced at Paddy to make sure he knew where his place was.

"There's just one hitch to the plan." Said Jack.

"Oh dear. And what is that?"

"The only way to get us there on time is to parachute in. Its out of helicopter range. And we can't fly in on a military transport for obvious security reasons. Therefore I've booked us first class on China Airlines because the Asians are on good terms with the Germans at the moment and won't risk being shot down. And it's economy class for you know who." Jack tipped his shiny head sideways in Paddy's direction.

"Well if that's the best you can arrange then we'll have to go for it. When was the last time any of us did an airdrop?" asked Corny.

"During basic training many years ago. But don't worry. It's pretty easy. You're not scared are you?" asked Jack with a grin.

"No no no not at all. I'm just concerned for your safety." Corny was so pale that Paddy wondered if there was any blood left at all in his head. Normally Corny avoided flying at all costs so to go all the way and do a parachute jump must have distressed him all the more.

[ChrisiusMaximus]

I hope something awful is about to happen to that old git Corny.

[Kaos XIII]

"Because the guns have no ammo, when the Russians attack, I want you all to point your guns at them and yell Bang! Bang!"



ALL RIGHT!!!

Good to see the UK Royal Service back in business.

The 'Military Master' does seem destined for something awful.

[vovan]

Oh man... After beating in hysterical laughter for a while, I had trouble getting up from the floor to type something in praise.

[forgorin]

There I've read them so back off! Great i hope that corny gets it. What ever happened to The shoping mall?

[unscratchedfoot]

forgorin, were you like fighting with your wife or something when you posted that? It sounds like you typed part of your fighting rhetoric in with your post.

As for the story and whether Corny will be appraised, I will just say that there is going to be some heavy-duty grief coming up. But as for who actually suffers the grief, I'm not authorized to say at this time.