The Glory of News - SPECIAL WAR EDITION!

[Rhothaerill]

Re: 1305 AD Edition

Great! This one especially made me laugh.

Originally posted by Master Zen
Bistro Farb - From Oklahoma roadkill al dente to marinated troll, Bistro Farb is the place to go for prime cuts.

[DeepO]

Originally posted by Cort Haus
This lack of experience is conspicuously evident in the name proposed.

Hey, at least we named our cities... that in itself was a great achievement!

DeepO

[Master Zen]

Originally posted by Cort Haus

Admiralty In Crisis!
GoW Navy runs out of awe-inspiring names for warships

GoN readers may be interested to know that such was the desperation setting in at the Glory of Nomenclature Ministry (Naval Dept), that 'IWS Killer Goldfish' was actually named by the Stormian Ambassador (also your humble reporter) during chat with Emperor MZ early during the preparations for the Lego War. Apart from explaining the profound lack of GoW imagery in the name, this is particularly interesting because the Stormian nation had hardly named a single unit since Grog. This lack of experience is conspicuously evident in the name proposed.

Sooooo true! I didn't even think you'd remember

[Master Zen]

1310 AD Edition

The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print

1310 AD


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BREAKING NEWS
Roleplay shares continent with GoW and ND Again
"Oh my f*cking God" offical Royal reaction


CLOUDBURST - At first it was all happyness and joy. The Gathering Storm had surprisingly gifted most of its colonial empire, the largest in the world, to its old ally Roleplay. "It was imperative that Roleplay recover its former glory so that it can be a full partner in the world community" explained ambassador Cort Haus. Roleplay officials were overwhelmed at the news "Happy times are here again, we are part of a major continent once more!" exhalted one headline among many. Citizens flocked to the streets amids massive reveling and many more embarked with their belongings on the many ships heading to colonize the new lands. "It's like starting anew" cried MarÃa Elena Carolina Sanchez Hernández de los Milagros, "Now I can raise my family without the constraints of our little territory on Stormia, we can actually have our own farm!"

The Spanish government immediately set up a Royal Colonial Authority, appointing a Viceroy to the newly aquired territories. Upon glancing on the new map of Legoland the Viceroy's heart froze. "Monterrey, we have a problem". It was the neighbors. Spain found itself surrounded by the Warmonger and Neu Demogyptican colonial empires, their former enemies from the Bobian war. King Togas explained in an exclusive GoN interview "We were duped. GS told us that we'd share the continent with themselves and with Vox, they never said anything about having GoW and ND as neighbors". Ambassador Cort Haus was quick to respond "Well, err, we might have ommitted a few teeny weeny details, but I mean, c'mon, Spain has a big empire now! So what if their two neighbors weren't entirely friendly with them in the past, times have changed".

Seeking to soothe their neighbor's worries, GoW Emperor Master Zen immediately approached the Spanish Viceroy with an offer of a Mutual Protection Pact in case the Demogyptican Colonial Army attacked either of them. The Spanish reply was simple: "F*uck you and your MPPs".




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Ruins of Lux to be Reopened
City to be rebuilt and redestroyed

SKULGARIA - With thousands of people unhappy at the wanton clearing up of the Ruins of Lux by former Emperor Panzerius XXXII, work on reconstructing the ruins has begun. The decision to reconstruct what was left of the old Luxian capital was taken personally by Emperor MZ since "that stupid forest was so wussy looking". With the annual budget showing a settler surplus left over from various turns ago, and with no areas to settle either on Bob or on Legoland, the surplus labor can be used to rebuild the ruins in a matter of weeks. "Inefficient?" questioned Interior Consul Panzer32, "no way!, I mean, we spent half our history with only 2 workers, wasting a settler hardly tarnishes our reputation!". Moreso, the Parliamentary Comitte of Warmongerian Activities defined inefficiency as a distinct Warmongerian trait. "Perfectionism is sinonymous with Stormia and Legoland, we do not want to associate with such anti-Warmongerian behaviour".

A number of citizens have protested the effort saying that a reconstructed ruins did not have "the same historical value as the original". To that, Emperor MZ replied, "Once our Ministry of Truth gets in gear, nobody will ever remember there was ever a forest planted over the ruins. Wait, did I say forest? What forest? I don't remember any forest..."


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The Glory of Statistics presents
Warmonger Almanac 1310 AD Edition


Geography

Highest Point: Master Zen's ego (10,000m)
Lowest Point: Master Zen's IQ after 7 vodkas (< 40)
Coldest Point: Master Zen's heart (-60°C)
Hottest Point: Inside Master Zen's royal pants (Close to boiling)


Military

Shortest War: GoW vs GS during the Voxian War (1 turn)
Longest War: GoW vs Lux (war is constantly re-declared when Slave Trip fails to work his shifts)
Biggest Military Machine: Death Star (under construction at Dreadnaughtica, 35,208 turns left)
Bloodiest Battle: We're not going there again...


Architecture

Tallest building: The Duplo World Trade Center in Legoland (destroyed after a suicide strike by the 69th Beared Lady Bomber Squadron during the Lego War)
Oldest Library: Sure as hell ain't in GoW
Largest Library: Stormian National Archive (500+ posts in a turnthread OMFG!!!)


Politics

Longest Running Monarch: King Togas of Spain (he's definitely on Botox...)
Most Obscure Head of State: The Stormian Exectuve (we still don't know if it's a President, Emperor, King, Primer Minister, or just the AI set on Deity)
Largest Number of Executives: Neu Demogyptica (Half of Germany seems to have played at least one turn)



Imperial City Colisseum
Scheduled Events


MON - Lions vs. Luxians (current score: Lions 3,981,111 - Luxians 0)
TUE - The Greatful Dead Live
WED - Celine Dion Live (Cancelled - Celine Dion shot and killed by Imperial Decree)
THU - The Phantom of the Nightclub (Starring MZ himself)
FRI - Farber Bros. Circus (With GhengisFarb as the Evil Clown)

[Rhothaerill]

[Theseus]

ROTFLMFAO

[Cort Haus]

Originally posted by Theseus
ROTFLMFAO

Me too. Chuffin' priceless, MZ.

[Beta]

Keep it coming, kitten killer.

[Cort Haus]

:drumming fingers:

Hungry GoN addicts eagerly await next installment ...

[Master Zen]

well, ever since the war's over I don't have that much material for a turn-ly edition, but I've got some ideas swirling in my head right now...

[Cort Haus]

Over? It's only just started!

[Rhothaerill]

Yeah, you can write about the new war between ND and Roleplay. I'm sure there is something in there that sparks your imagination.

[Master Zen]

Re: 1325 AD Edition

The Glory of News
All the News thats unfit to print

1325 AD


-----------------------------

BREAKING NEWS
Riots in Santa Barbara!
GoW Battleship causes city-wide rampage


SANTA BARBARA - It was a normal sunny spring morning in the Spanish city of Santa Barbara. Beachgoers were enjoying a typical splash in the crystaline waters when from afar, the large gray sillouhette of the IWS Executioner became visible. It then turned into a scene remniscient of the movie Jaws as thousands panicked and ran from the beach towards the city center. The cries could be heard everywhere: "¡Dios mio, son los hijos de puta warmongeros otra vez!!!" (Translation: OMG, it's those [expletive deleted] warmongers again!). The city center turned into chaos, shops were looted and burned as citizens armed themselves with basic necessities in case of invasion. GoN interviewed one such looted, Mr. Miguel Alejandro Esteban Hernández de la Fuente de los Milagros Yeah ese, we need those DVDs and televisions and stereos and stuff man, in case GoW invades or something man!. Asked exactly how DVDs would be used to stop a GoW invasion he replied Umm, we can like throw it at them ese, like ninja blades or something man!. Among other items looted were hairdryers, toaster ovens and even a Dance Dance Revolution arcade machine.

More chaos erupted when the looters stormed into the local zoo, letting lose a horde of wild bulls which stormed through the narrow streets of the city center. One death was reported when an unlucky citizen stepped on a banana peel while being chased by one such beast, dozens more were injured in the chase. Once Spaniard, whose name was too long to print commented: "It was exhilarating man!, I jumped over a wall just as the puto toro was about to stick its horn up my behind! We should make a tradition out of this!" Finally, a few individuals managed to lure the bulls into the city colisseum where they were killed by Spanish knights in very-flashy-yet-gay-looking tights in a fantastic spectacle which is rumored to turn into a professional sport now.

Offshore, we intervied the commander of the GoW battleship, Captain Crunch. "We had no plans to even get near the city, we're heading towards Port Isolation. When some of the crew saw the city in flames they congratulated me on such fine gunnery, it was a bit embarrassing to say that we didn't actually fire a shot".




Arnelos and MrWIA run from the bulls. At right, WhiteBandit loses his balance.




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GoW hits Lego refugee ship
"It's a miracle, we're immortal!" claims ZargonX

CAMULDONUM - A normal war exercise by Voxian and GoW warships turned to tragedy as GoW bombers "accidentally" hit a Lego refugee transport caught in the middle. Carrier-based bombers from the IWS Aggie were flying a routine practice run against the battleship VCS Wittlich City which in turn was testing its anti-air capabilities when the bombers mistook the Lego ship for the Voxian dreadnought at high altitude. Flight Lieutentant Crom Tuise explained to GoN that they had accidentally loaded the bombers with live explosives instead of dummies and that their radars accidentally confused the blip. "Well, we are proud that unlike the Bearded Ladies of the last war, this time our bombs did hit the target the first time around, must be a first". Despite the damage, the ship was not sunk, a true miracle some would say.

Conspiracy theorists have begun rumors that the attack was, in fact, a GoW plot to wipe out Lego permanently with news that their elusive leader, ZargonX, was on that ship. However, a new video of a bearded and haggard-looking ZargonX was released shortly after the attack. In the video, ZargonX accused the "Great Warmongerian Satan" of attacking innocent civilians and vowed to "crush the evil GoW-Stormian alliance, god willing". The ship's survival also prompted the renegade leader to claim "we are immortal, all your bombs and bullets cannot kill us!" To this day, the hunt for ZargonX continues by GoW troops in the mountains of Legoland to no avail.




"Die Master Zen, die!"

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A message to our faithful readers by the Editor


Dear GoN readers. It had come to our attention for many years that our many envious and spiteful enemies in the industry have continously branded our news service as "biased, partial, untruthful, fake, satiric, fetid-pile-of-bat-poo" among other unwarranted and utterly false labels. They have stated that our reports do not adjust to reality.

Recent events regarding the Roleplay-Neu Demogyptica crisis, however, have proved otherwise. In our landmark 1310 AD edition we warned of the impending doom regarding Roleplay's Legoland colonies. What our enemies have failed to address is not whether our news adjusts to reality, but that in fact REALITY ADJUSTS TO OUR REPORTS.

So to all rival publications, next time you brand The Glory of News as the most biased news service in existance, think again before dissing All the News That's Unfit to Printâ„¢

[zerialienguru]

Nice

[ZargonX]

I think that's the first time I've ever been compared to Bin Laden... not sure how I feel about that...