The Apolytonian: First Issue

[Moral Hazard]

The Apolytonian
Electoral Edition

Trip dumps Marle, Becomes President

Tribesman Trip became president today finishing with over 60% of vote. His competitor the banana did surprisingly well considering that he ran his campaign solely on his reputation. This may have been due to the fact that President Trip terminated his relationship with Marle midway through the election. Sources not even remotely connected with the issue tell us that it was quite messy, and that other women may be involved. Asked if the move will severely damage President Trip’s career a political analyst contacted by this paper stated, “I doubt it. There are only two things which can finish a political career, a dead girl or a live boy.” So unless Marle turns up dead, Trip political career should have a bright future. It is of note that despite attempts to locate Marle, she has not been found. Supporters of President Trip argued that this is a complete non issue. They stated that just because Marle was Trip’s Avatar, it doesn’t mean that they were in anyway involved.
Others point out that this was not what caused the banana to receive almost 30 votes; but that it was caused by two other factors. First, there is a rumor that non members of the tribe snuck into the polls and cast their votes for the banana; especially members of a democratic nation in civilization 2. Secondly, Trip’s apparent despotic longings have scared voters. These fears began when Trip joked during a conversation with imperial party supporters, “Those who support me in the first administration will be pleasantly rewarded when my coup overthrows the government and installs a dictatorship.” President Trip has also attempted to remove the citizenry’s ability to access to the save file with a round about poll creating a reporter unit. Also rumors persist that President Trip is attempting to use a Veto power, which was never authorized. There have been times however when Trip argued vehemently for the power of the people. This paper believes that many of these concerns are foolish, and just because someone becomes an official, they suddenly have to lose their sense of humor. It does indeed appear that President Trip will staunchly defend democracy. President Trip did not return comments to the paper, which is the real point of this entire article.

Space Em

Space05us surprised many observers as he beat Nuclear master in tight race with Vice President Space winning by only an 57% margin. This was especially surprising considering that Nuclear Master waged a deadly campaign declaring ‘Can I be vice-president’. Despite the odds Space pulled off the upset. Asked how, he replied well I am cool, personally we think it’s the trench coat. But Space is no slacker. When asked what he would do in government he announced, “I plan on eating bananas for the entirety of my term” It is the opinion of this paper that had Nuclear Master added his only other two posts to his campaign both of which said “FINNALY ” Space would have been a goner.

[Moral Hazard]

Ninot smashes his competition

Taking over 80% of the vote Ninot was emphatically endorsed as the new foreign minister. One of his competitors Togas appeared to believe that simply stating that he would run for the Foreign Minister position would prove an effective campaign. He was proven dreadfully wrong. The other candidate Turambar also appeared to drop out of the race as it began. When contacted by the paper, Ninot seemed staggered by the result stating, "All right, this is a FIFA 2002 online league we're joining, right?" To which the paper has to ask, can you constantly score with a cross and then a bicycle kick like in FIFA 2001; when using a 3-3-4 formation and counter attack. He did however quickly regain his senses and asked, “So when can we start the sex scandals? “ We strongly advise him to read this paper, as we’ll be digging as hard as we can to find that important information. Neither of the losing candidates could be reached for comment.

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A Genocidal Maniac Seizes Control of the Military

You usually wouldn’t want a maniac to control anything, but when it comes to war who’s better for the job. The people agreed with these sentiments. Electing Uberkrux as the first military advisor; almost purely because he was a bit more insane than Skywalker. Skywalker was also hurt by his love for a foreign country mainly that of Civ2. When asked if the win with a 65% majority gave him a strong mandate Advisor Uberkrux replied, “The people have spoken, genocide is the answer” And when it comes to foreign devils what could be more right. Skywalker the losing candidate bowed out gracefully stating, “I fully support UberKruX as the first War Minister in the Civ3 Democracy Game, and wish him luck.” But before he left he did have this parting shot, “Uber shows himself to be dreadfully incompetent” Ed: He has been seriously misquoted, put an unless on the front and a not likely at the end and you’ve got the proper quote

[Moral Hazard]

Timeline Dominates

What started as a close race ended as a landslide. Jonny campaigned hard early and manage to stay even with Timeline until he stopped campaigning at which point Timeline sped ahead, ending with 18 more votes than his nearest competitor. When asked what he would do now in that he was in government, he stated “I'm very enthusiastic about some of my plans for how to improve our nation, and it is my intention to establish paying attention to the public community as the mark and distinction of my administration.” The most notable of his plans is the Council of Territorial Expansion and Development a body which seeks to coordinate the efforts of several ministries.
Only one of the losing candidates has conceded so far, Chandragupta who bowed out gracefully thanking the people who voted for him. When asked why he lost he replied, “well, I had joined [the tribe] for the first time in order to participate in the democracy … and Timeline effectively managed to squish my statements like tiny insects.” The paper believes that he is correct, that being a new comer hurt his chances especially against a skilled campaigner like Timeline. When asked about his future plans he announced that he would like to write for the Apolytonian or maybe The Times. We could think of no better way of launching a new campaign.

Punkbass2000 edges out Sir. Ralph

In a tight race the punk edge out the Sire. The most plausible explanation for Punkbass2000’s victory was offered by himself, “I feel my win was largely due to the promising of M&M's. This will please the Gods and helped win the banana vote as well.” Both candidates campaigned ferociously going back and forth in debate. But the two candidates ended the campaign as friends, with Punkbass2000 inviting Sir Ralf to be his deputy. When contacted by this reporter, Sir Ralph vowed to fight to the very end. When the polls closed Sir Ralph promised to keep his independence stating, “I will support my opponent in matters where I believe he's right, and otherwise give him a juicy opposition” The two should work well together as Punkbass is keeping an open mind, as he states, “I have no specific plans yet, as they would be dependent on the map that we start with and the civ we select.”

The Numbers have it.

In the case of simple arithmetic 5000 is greater than 2000, just as Tassadar5000 beat civman2000. Other reasons have been proposed for why Tassadar beat the Civman for example Civman2000 states, “I think I lost because I missed the first 12 hours or so of the campaigning, and Tassadar had won about 10 people by then.” This is a very plausible explanation. However, this reporter stands by his belief that it was simply a matter of arithmetic, and if he ever runs he’ll call himself infinity and beyond. Speaking of which I think Ed: Get back to work. In accepting the position Tassadar said, “Ever since I was a child, I dreamt of having this position. I knew there were secrets all around me, secrets that hold so much potential to improve our lives, and our defense. Now, because the great people of the Apolytonian Empire have elected me, I can actively search out these secrets. These secrets will not only improve Apolyton, but it will improve humanity as a whole.”

The Banana loses all of his elections

Although the banana did well, he just couldn’t win. Eli, Spiffor, and HazieDaVampire trounced him for their respective positions. When asked if he was the better candidate, Spiffor promised, “I will do a better job than my worthy opponent, the Banana!” It is common place for politicians to make promise they can not keep, but this is pushing the impossible. After talking with Spiffor however; we believe if there is one man who could do this, it is him. The paper attempted to contact the banana but according to his agent, he apparently promised an exclusive feature to The Times.

Damn that took way to long. I think we need to cut out a few elections. I will double check it later for mistakes.
Oh and I didn't make it longer to compete, I just had all this stuff from the elections and what not. I prefer the short versions.

[Jon Shafer]

LoL, impressive guys. You might want to post every article in a seperate thread for more publicity. Such an excellent thing ought to get out more.

P.S. The alleged relationship between me and Marle was completely false. It was merely a publicity stunt that appears to have had mixed results. My current avatar seems more popular.

[Moral Hazard]

Dear President.

About posting every article in a new thread. I don't like doing that. I am trying to get people to submit stuff to the newspaper, and don't feel like cluttering up the forum. Basically this is a news thread. Another reason is people would miss the occasional edition; if they don't check back every day. This way they will eventually see all of the articles anyway.

Sincerely yours
Editor Moral Hazard.

P.S. I not sure how to say this. But my staff doesn't believe your story concerning Marle. We should get together and create a juicy story with a positive spin. You know a more believable story.

[Moral Hazard]

Dear Sirotnikov.

We thank you for your kind words. I would also like to say that the Times is equally enjoyable, and we are looking forward with anticipation to your next Issue keep and the excellent work. Hopefully we both get writers for our two newspapers.

Sincerely Yours
Editor Moral Hazard

[Kuciwalker]

Dear Moral Hazard,

I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely express my complete support and admiration for UberKruX, our first War Minister. As you know, I was the opposition candidate for that ministry, but I decided to cede the election to Uber as a sign of goodwill. I wish him nothing but luck for this term, during which many things must be decided for the first time. I have full confidence in his ability to help guide us through these turbulent times.

Skywalker

[Sirotnikov]

Dear Moral Hazard,

I believe those words were honestly earned. I imagine that if a third newspaper arose, we could unite into a domineering concern

In any case, I wish to express my fear of you leaving the news scene, and therefore if you ever feel that you can't handle the burden alone (as I may very well feel soon), that you choose to join forces, instead of letting a beautiful tradition die.

Best Regards,
Sirotnikov.

[Kuciwalker]

Dear Moral Hazard,

I would like to express my concern over the activities of our President Trip. While our capitol, the great city of Apolyton, is near both Whales and Fish, which will give us food and shields, I would like to express my concern that many of us who are banana farmers will face a lack of business due to this. My concern over this is alleviated, however, by the discover of the Banana Jungle, where we will be able to create many successful banana plantations. My real complaint against President Trip is that he has not told us much about the current situation, besides a few screenshots. I would be helpful if he gave us a turn-by-turn account of the previous turn chat. I would also like for the Aplytonian to provide more news regarding the state of our great Apolytonian nation.

Skywalker

[Kuciwalker]

Dear Moral Hazard,

I would like to bring up several new ideas.

First, I would like to apply for the position of Assistant Editor of the Apolytonian. In this capacity I woud post many editorials concerning the happenings of Apolytonia.

Second, I would like to announce my decision to join our bold settlers at the frontier, so that I may set up as a side business our first Banana Plantation as soon as we settle at the mouth of the Banana River in Banana Jungle. I would also be able to research the local news for the area more effectively until roads are established.

Lastly, I would like to call upon Uber's brave warriors to explore the forbidding North, the Land Beyond the Banana Forest. This land will be of great importance to us in the future.

Skywalker

[Chandragupta]

Dear Editor Hazard,

Consider this a 'letter from the front' if you will. Just the other century i was minding my own business in the Apolyton forum, just next door to Trip's palace. I then heard a runner from Minister Timeline's Ministry screaming about an expedition to colonize farther north. Naturally, I signed on, but this is not at all what I envisioned
So far, we've found a river... that's it... Oh yah, a bunch of jungle too... I will acknowledge that I voted for random terrain, and I'm all for sticking this out until we find a decent place to build, but somehow i thought being in this expedition would be a glorious adventure. Instead i'm soaked by the constant rain, taunted by monkeys, and like everyone else out here a wee bit tired and bored.
To make things worse, we havent seen a banana in months. What kind of jungle is this!? I guess the good news is that things can only get better from here.

Self-appointed Apolytonian Frontline correspondent Chandragupta

[Kuciwalker]

As I said in my earlier letter, I was going to settle down in the new city by the river and start a banana plantation. No sooner do I get there, but, to my great surprise, they tell me they aren't settling there! There seems to be a great controversy over whether or not we should colonize the Banana Jungle. As one settler, who requested not to be named, said, "The rain is bad, the river is yucky, and I hate bananas." Despite the fact that many settlers agreed with him on other points, all quickly stoned him to death for his heretical statements about bananas. Another settler, who also wished to be unnamed, said thoughtfully, "If we don't settle here, where will we get our bananas? Once we clear even a small area of this jungle, we will have prime banana plantation ground." I agree with the second settler.

Assistant Editor Skywalker

[Moral Hazard]

[Moral Hazard]

I've got about 5 minutes. So I can't write anything extensive at the moment, but keep the letters coming. Also I won't be able to write anything tonight Real life can be a ***** Skywalker if you want the savefile PM trip Im sure you can convince it to give it to you. If I have time tomorrow or really late tonight I'll try to write something but I'm not sure. Hmm outlook just gave me an error message.

[Sirotnikov]

I PMed you.

Let's unite.

And take skywalker with us.