The Apolytonian: First Issue

[CigarsNBananas]

Dear Mr Hazard,

My mommy told me once that bananas are four monkeys. As a thotful kindagartnr I went to ask my pappy but he said "I am busy acquiring lung cancer leave me alone!" So I decided to write my favorit jornalist at the Apolytonian with the new address I got from my teacher (expect a whole bunch of letters from my kindagartn class very soon who all love you very much). Mum says I can't read the papers anymore because of no sensorship but I don't really understand; nor do I understand thoughtless buggers posting pointless spam in our NEWS forum. I want to ask if you could help me learn more about "Chaotic Evil" as I think it could make play time more interesting. Bye Bye!

Sincerely,
CigarsNBananas Jr.

[Space05us]

As VP I expect a new issue on my desk everyday, of course your payment will be good. You will recieve a very fine se... slave that can do much work

btw Great Writing

[CigarsNBananas]

Hold your bananas, you haven't been technically elected yet and it seems MH is behind with his mail. But I dig the trenchcoat.

[DarkCloud]

Good Papers

Good Formatting

[Space05us]

"...... But I dig the trenchcoat."

It does wonders for public relations.

[Moral Hazard]

DP

[Moral Hazard]

Dear Minister almost Elect Timeline

We thank you for your letter and your idea. We believe your idea is a good one, and hopefully I will be able to convince my reporters to write about it. They are unfortunately more interested to know other things about the council, such as what exactly is Trip's relationship with Marle. You know who's sleeping with who, and where does Lucca fit into the picture; I pray to my ancestors that she doesn't; but it would make a good headline. I will however attempt to force them to do their job.

Dear CigarsnBananas jr.

I appreciate the letter, I consider it part of my duty to warp err form the minds of all our citizens, old and young. It's unfortunate that your mother doesn't approve of you reading our fine paper. But to show her what a positive impact it's having on your development, I'd suggest you practice a little chaotic evil around the tent. The easiest way to do this is by breaking and burning whatever is lying around. I suggest you start with your father's spear or club. To ensure my I mean your safety. Did I mention that I have a dog who loves children. The last time a little kid came near my tent, he had a fun game of tag with my dog. My dog will also defend you against evil barbarians. I remember one time he brought back the foot of an evil pygmy barbarian. Now that I think about it; it was the same day that kid came over to play. Moral Hazard wonders if he can sink any lower By the way would you consider your kindergarten teacher hot?


Dear VP almost elect. Space05us

We appreciate your letter and of course the servant. We assure you that this gift will not only buy you a tent load of newspapers, but quite a bit of advertising as well.

Sincerly Yours
Editor Moral Hazard

[Moral Hazard]

The Apolytonian
The unofficial paper of Apolytonia
The Price of the banana skyrockets

In a crushing blow to potential banana farmers throughout our tribe; the temperature will be temperate, and the climate will be moderate. This is far from ideal banana growing weather. There is hope however that the tribe will settle near the equator. Some potential banana farmers took the news better than expected, one stated “It’s not so bad if we can’t have our bananas, then we can have our strawberries. “ His opinion was only shared by a few supporters in a distant land.
Although this will have little effect on most farmers, the world is expected to be mildly rocky. Some fools believe this is because the world is 4 billion years old. The paper thinks that is load of garbage. We are however still waiting for the elders to firm up our creation story; since we would prefer not to be branded as heretics.

It’s a huge world after all

The world size is expected to be quite large, although not as large as some people had hoped. After summoning the power of our ancestors, the grand assembly decided it best to make this world huge rather than 256 x 256. Despite the large size of our planet, it doesn’t appear that we will have the proper room for our tribe; since it is rumored that 15 other tribes are residing on this earth. Fortunately, our leaders understand that we can not share the earth with these savages, and our spear and club forces will drive them into extinction. Ask to summarize our chances against the savage tribes, a prominent rock thrower replied, “Ug think chances good. We kill roaming barbarians as we Emperor.”

Reports from the High Council

The developments at our government are coming fast and furious. First it was decided yesterday that a minister could switch from any job to any other job during elections. It was also decided that elections would be held once every month. President almost elect Trip put the dates for the next elections on July 12th with campaigning beginning on the fourth, and the new government forming on the 16th. A code of laws is also being formalized. It will layout the duties of each of the ministers as well as a few government procedures. The paper would also like to remind citizens that a special election will start today to decide our finance minister.

The Hazards Form

The first ever sports club formed today. They will compete in several events. It is unclear against who they will compete, but it is rumored that they have challenged CigarsnBananas jr.’s kindergarten class to a tournament. Asked to describe the events club founder Moral Hazard stated, ‘Well it’s starts out kind of boring with a stone tossing contest and spear throwing competition, but these are really just warm up exercises. The real fun begins later. We were hoping to have a bear fight, where both teams would try to kill a bear with clubs; but capturing a bear proved kind of hard and we lost one of best rock tossers in the attempt. We will still hold a rock duel where both teams get a pile of rocks and square off on either side of a field. Then they’ll pummel each other rocks. I haven’t decided how to declare a winner but I’m sure It will work itself out.’ Another event planned for the tournament is the gauntlet.

[Space05us]

"We appreciate your letter and of course the servant. We assure you that this gift will not only buy you a tent load of newspapers, but quite a bit of advertising as well."
You like? we have more

[ThePlagueRat]

political debate:

Labour Union questions military responibilities.
- by Engineers Union, foreman Rhennis Banannicus.


An elderly ragged worker called Grey Jonnis, whom I spoke with the other day, told me a horrifying story.... He had been working with his lads up in the hills in the safe perimiter outside Shantilla.
- During wartime. They were suddenly passed by a friendly infantry unit, in which they felt safety in. And they were even ordered to build a strong fortress after the mine company had opened business. The experienced worker Grey Jonnis said:
" - The infantymen suddenly started to pack their gear after the artillery had arrived. And soon they both were gone, heading for the frontier... we were there all alone with our concrete and bricks!"

Grey continues... " One night, the labour camp were surrounded by a great number of mounted warriors pointing their long spears at us, while barking like dogs in a strange language. They circled us in... and those who nervously ran or threw their spades at the bastards, were brually murdered! "
He tells the Union about the torture and his life as a captive.
Grey is a very sad former slave, but he smiles a bit when he talks about their secret and succsessful workslow-actions on the enemy infrastructure, but some did even become citizens over there! Grey shivers at the thought... Now he blames the commander of his army for their tragical destiny.

What the Labour Union now demands in this young empire of Apolytonia, is that the military autorities show a little bit more responsibilitiy for their population! Never leave a worker alone out there, think about the humanitarian crisis!
We hope the defence ministerium will learn from these mistakes.

- Power to the people!

[Moral Hazard]

Dear Vice President Space05us.

Indeed we have something of a shortage of servants; and keep in mind that we believe strongly in quid pro quo.

Dear Pollybananicus.

We thank you very much for your submission, it was both very well written and thought provoking, (unfortunately) And although this editor disagrees with your views, we encourage you to continue writing. We regret to inform, you however that since it was an editorial, we can not pay you; since it is the policy of this paper not to pay for editorials. Or for anything else we can get away with not paying for.

Sincerely Yours
Editor Moral Hazard.

[civman2000]

uhh...infantryman? artillery? It's 4000bc!

[Sirotnikov]

Btw, I wanted to add that this is great.

I kinda forgot to say good words about it, having beenthinking aobut my own paper.

Excellent content

[Chandragupta]

Dear Editor Hazard,

Something was mentioned in today's Apolytonian about a Code of Laws... It's 4000BC (or 00:00 0/0/0000 by my pre-birth-of-Christ-and-even-pre-Judaism calendar) and I do not believe that we have even the concept of anysuch thing as yet. I for one cannot read (my writing is a result of divine intercession btw) and am confused as to the concept of a 'code.' Maybe we will research that someday?

Otherwise, your paper (papyrus?) is great, and i have enjoyed reading it, despite not knowing how to read. Keep up the good work ! One last thing, there's some lunatic that wants to build immobile tents out of rocks, heard anything about that?

[Moral Hazard]

Dear Chandragupta

We appreciate your letter and understand your confusion, the reasons that the papers can be published is also through the will of our gods. For whatever reason they don't will us to do useful things with it. I think they’re demanding that we learn how ourselves.

About code of laws well It's the constitution, the name was changed to not insult a certain party, but I'm done with not offending people my next issue posted in a second, might offend some candidates, and maybe even the president. I doubt it, but it might. It is odd however that the gods or our ancestors or the banana. Gives us the power to write complex constitutions but denies us the ability to write up what happens when some one steals, kills or jaywalks in front of stampeding buffalo.

Tents made out of stones. We have definitely heard about that. I agree that it’s ridiculous. Sure our present teepees aren't very good, but hey we should just make them bigger. Making stone tents would be like moving back into caves.

Sincerely Yours
Editor Moral Hazard.