The Phalanx Editorial Office

[Maniac]

The Morganites and Gaians have already published an issue of their newspaper in the general forum. I was wondering, should we also try to found a newspaper? IIRC there were already some name suggestions, eg The Phalanx or some Greek word I can't remember right now unfortunately.

Anyway, in case we would publish a newspaper soon, I thought we could perhaps let Santagio make a brief appearance. I hope you don't mind me depicting her as a youth-obsessed woman in this silly little article suggestion.

---

Four years ago Colonel Santiago herself navigated our Unity escape pod down to Chiron, rescuing us all from destruction. She herself though was heavily injured upon landing, and right after Planetfall we lacked the medical facilities to treat her wounds. Therefore we put her into a cryosleep. But a couple of months ago we completed construction of a fully-equipped hospital in Sparta Command, capable of healing her.

After weeks of medical treatment while still in cryosleep, she is now about to regain consciousness. We take you live to the moment her cryocell will open, so we can all hear the first words of our precious leader:

*pssssshhhhhhhhhsss...
Lt.-Doctor Bonaventura: Welcome back to the land of the living, Ma'am.
Colonel Santiago: *blinks here eyes. Thank you, thank you.
S: Say, Bonaventura, have we invented a rejuvenation technology while I was taking a nap?
B: I'm afraid not, Colonel.
S: Oh.
...
S: Freeze me back in then. *closes her eyes again in preparation.
B: Err...
S: That's an order. Lieutenant.
B: Yes of course Colonel. Right away. *salutes.
*pssssshhhhhhhhhhhhT.

[DeathByTheSword]

i have sent a (funny) think to the lunar newspaper thingy for in the ads....a new spartan family car...and then you see a armored personell carrier...

[Zeiter]

Could any of us submit articles? Perhaps that would take some of the work off of the main writer, and make this a more team effort. My possible story:

XenoBurritos a New Military Sensation

A popular piece of culinary art is sweeping the Spartan military. While the squeamish may find the dish disgusting, the Spartan soldiers fix it up every chance they get. What's cookin' in the Spartan barracks, you may ask? It's a snack that the Spartan soldiers like to refer to as a "Xenoburrito."

"Yeah, I know it may sound nasty, but it's actually quite good." Spartan elite Kobold Mirinskov explains with a stuffed mouth. "Last night we came up on a fungal sector full of N-I's [military slang for "native infestations."] Needless to say, we whipped out our Skankies [military slang for flamethrowers] and gave them a real Jamski [military slang for roasting]. We cooked 'em real good, right down to the meat. That's the hard part. Once you have that behind you, the rest is easy. Next, you just peel off the tough outer hide, lightly toast the tender inside for a few more minutes, and then wrap them in some of the military-grade kelp that comes with our provisions. What you get is a 'Xenoburrito'".

"We cook 'em up every chance we get." Spartan rover captain Viggo Corsolini comments as he works on a scout rover axle. "And even better, consuming them seems to increase your psi awareness...although Vedo did go temporarily insane after eating an entire crate of them...so...wait, did you hear that? "

Xenoburritos: temporary fad, or brilliant item of culinary ingenuity? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.






THIS JUST IN! MILITARY COMMAND AT SPARTA COMMAND HAS BANNED ALL FURTHER CONSUMPTION OF SO-CALLED "XENOBURRITOS". THEY HAVE BEEN DEEMED "DANGEROUS TO FACTIONAL HEALTH" AND ANY FURTHER CONSUMPTION OF SAID SUBSTANCE WILL RESULT IN 6 WEEKS IN THE PUNISHMENT SPHERES.

[Googlie]

Good stuff, both Maniac and Zeiter

I'll have to get my creative juices flowing too (maybe an aricle on Sparta barracks humour)

[Kassiopeia]

I was just yesterday considering starting a thread on this, but you got here first. As I've mentioned before, I'd like to be the main writer and editor of our newspaper. I'd go with The Phalanx as a name for it. And naturally anyone can submit articles.

[Maniac]

Great article Zeiter!

Originally posted by Kassiopeia
As I've mentioned before, I'd like to be the main writer and editor of our newspaper.

Sounds great!

I'd go with The Phalanx as a name for it.

I like that name too.

And naturally anyone can submit articles.

Thanks! Btw, I've in the meanwhile written another article. Obviously inspired by the action around the Pamplonan bull fights, in case you've heard about it:

Gladiator Fights Disrupted!

The period immediately after Planetfall was a rough time. Our lack of knowledge about the Chironian biopshere led to a large number of casualties due to food poisoning, suffocation and even some mysterious and unsolved disappearances of people around the large fields of fungal flora east of Sparta Command. Morale was at an all-time low. The Junta decided something needed to be done - urgently.

To give people some distraction from their daily problems, gladiator tournaments were organized. The participants were arrested criminals - though some claim they are simply people who ended up in the wrong escape pod and were unable to adapt to Spartan society. They had to fight against each other, with bare fists or at most with knifes, and the winners of the tournaments were given their freedom back. Others lost their lives in the arena.

The gladiator fights were a success, and the following years similar tournaments were organized around the end of each Mission Year. Currently it looks like the fights will become an annual tradition. There are people however who disagree with this course of events, mostly members of the Spartan Pacifist Party, also better known as the Let's-Give-Method-A-Fancy-Title Dining Club. They believe the gladiator fights, or as they call it: "people being forced to kill each other for the pleasure of spectators", are wrong and against human dignity.

To express their discontent and make sure everyone hears about their cause, they planned an original action. They decided to run naked down the streets around the arena, protesting against the fights. Strangely enough, there are currently no laws against public nudity in the Sparta Command Police Code of Order - probably a forgetfullness. This had as a consequence the police garrison was not allowed to arrest the protesters. But do not fear, law-abiding citizens! The police force bravely and with great sense of duty observed and monitored the naked protesters, to make sure no harm or vandalism was done!

We've asked a few reactions of Sparta Command inhabitants about the action of the Spartan Pacifist Party. As you will see, opinions differ about the matter:

"This... This is a disgrace! The highest form of decadence possible! If only Santiago were here, this would never have happened! "

"Heh well. Personally I wouldn't mind seeing our yearly tradition of gladiator fights being replaced by a yearly tradition of nude people parading down the streets. "

No doubt this story will be continued next year.

[Kassiopeia]

Good stuff. If you write too much of it I may have to archive some so that we'll get an issue #2 done some day too.

You can also throw me some ideas for articles, you need only to come up with an idea and I'll see what I can spin out of it.

[Kody]

Impact Rifles for Dummies - 5 simple rules

So you want to learn how use a brand new spanking impact rifle? There are 5 simple rules for keeping you and your household safe. These rules should be followed religiously during the first year of your ownership

Rule number one, when cleaning the trigger, point away from face and any living creatures including family members and pets. This also includes step parents. The reason for this rule is impact rifles are made to kill and do so in a highly messy way at point blank. While cleaning the trigger it is quite possible to inadvertently squeeze the trigger a little too much. If the rifle is loaded with live ammunition the trigger will cause the propellent in the shell to combust driving the shell forward out of the rifle and into anything in the way. If the shell hits something or someone it will bury itself two inches into the object and explode causing a massive spray of…. errr stuff… that will be over 2 metres high and will repaint your waters in a bright red, while some people may like that colour it will unfortunately dry a browny poo colour. This horrible colour is why step parents should also be discluded from the line of fire during trigger cleaning.

Rule number two, pets and impact rifle practise do not mix. Most people will tend to practise using their impact rifle in their backyard. It is quite important that you lock up all your pets before practise as pets can cause all kinds of problems if on the loose. Dogs have the habit of running up to you and bowling you over causing wild and undirected fire that may cause property damage. This is also true with cats when they decide they are hungry and dig their claws into your foot while you are trying to aim for the tree. Mindworms however are the most dangerous as they may show you images of your ex-girlfriend while you’re holding the impact rifle.

Rule number three, kids and impact rifles do not mix. While we all love our kids and want to show them the joy of mindless destruction on a much larger scale than the living room, they need to work their way up to an impact rifle. Start with a laser rifle that will not cause a large area of damage, or use a missile launcher that as a minimum distance to explosion set to something suitably distant. It is also important to keep kids from taking impact rifles to school. Not so much to prevent casualties, rather they’ll be more likely to end up being immediately enlisted into the very green shock troops, who have an extraordinarily high casualty rate

Rule number four, condoms are a tried and true method of keeping the shells from getting wet. We’ve all heard the talk about safe sex. Putting condoms on your shells keeps them from getting pregnant, so you should always use a condom. What do you mean this isn’t a sex edu book? For goodness sake Clarie stop typing what I’m saying…. Condoms can act as a cheap and easy method to keep shells from getting wet which can render them useless. A blister pack of 4 dozen condoms only costs 1EC at your local store, while shells can cost up to 1 EC each. It makes economic sense to wrap your shells if you are going into a wet environment.

Rule number five, impact rifles should not be used in bed. We’ve all thought about bringing our guns to bed, but it is a definite no no especially if you have wife. Bringing the gun to bed can cause marital breakup if the wifey suspects that you love the gun more than her. Three out of four divorces involved bedroom guns and two out of four widowings. Even if you are certain that it won’t end with either lawyer or a priest, impact rifles tend to be bulky under pillows and may be mistaken for ….. This can be highly uncomfortable and embarrassing in the morning.

[GeneralTacticus]

Brilliant!

[Zeiter]

Great stuff Maniac and Kody.

[Kassiopeia]

I'll whip up the first issue tomorrow. Now is a good time with the general forum quieting down a bit after the game start and with the E_N mess dealt with.

[Maniac]

Great article Kody!

Btw, should a mod rename this thread to "The Phalanx Editorial Office" or so, or do you want to start a new official thread, Kassiopeia?

[Kassiopeia]

Btw, should a mod rename this thread to "The Phalanx Editorial Office" or so, or do you want to start a new official thread, Kassiopeia?

We can use this one, Drogue/Method/Skanky can rename it.

[Method]

It is done.

+1

[Maniac]

Great issue Kassi!

Originally posted by Method
It is done.

Thanks. I've now also added a link to this thread in the factional datalinks.

Originally posted by Kassiopeia
You can also throw me some ideas for articles, you need only to come up with an idea and I'll see what I can spin out of it.

Ah thanks that's great.
In the article "Being a Spartan, Part I" you conclude with writing "In the second part, our focus will be on physical training." Do you already have something in mind for that? Perhaps we could feature some drill sergeant trying to teach some fighting techniques or muscle exercises to a group of inexperienced soldiers (who of course would do everything wrong)? And perhaps the sergeant could speak with a funny Ahnold Schwarzenegger accent, saying stuff on a tone like "I crush you puny Morgahnite weenies with ze flexing of all ze muscles in my gigantic ahm around your puny little capitahlistic heads." Do you think something like this could have potential?