The Phalanx Editorial Office

[Dis]

newpaper looks good. I'm not the greatest writer. sometimes I can come up with cool stories in my head, I just have never been able to express them on paper.

[Kassiopeia]

In the article "Being a Spartan, Part I" you conclude with writing "In the second part, our focus will be on physical training." Do you already have something in mind for that?

Yup, but I'm open for suggestions.

Perhaps we could feature some drill sergeant trying to teach some fighting techniques or muscle exercises to a group of inexperienced soldiers (who of course would do everything wrong)? And perhaps the sergeant could speak with a funny Ahnold Schwarzenegger accent, saying stuff on a tone like "I crush you puny Morgahnite weenies with ze flexing of all ze muscles in my gigantic ahm around your puny little capitahlistic heads." Do you think something like this could have potential?

Have you ever seen Full Metal Jacket? Although an Arnie might work better in a purely literary medium, in FMJ the drill sergeant was all about volume and gesticulation.

[Maniac]

Originally posted by Kassiopeia
Have you ever seen Full Metal Jacket?

Nope sorry.

[Kassiopeia]

Oh. I'll fill you in. The film consists of two halves, the latter is about the American excursion in Vietnam. The former is about the training of the soldiers who went to serve in Vietnam. The poor lads have a drill sergeant who is loud and incredibly harsh - he is the very epitome of one. In fact, the actor was an actual drill sergeant IRL.

Let me get some quotes for you:

Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy ****ing walrus-looking piece of ****. Get the **** off of my obstacle. Get the **** down off of my obstacle. Now. Move it. I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world. I will motivate you, Private Pyle, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, ****ing beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian ****. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on ******s, ****s, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?

While that's some pretty overwhelming language, it wasn't the content as such but the way he delivered it, mouth wide with spit going all over the place and that look... suffice to say, it would not work in text quite as well.

[Skanky Burns]

Reading that, you can actually hear him saying that.
/me plans on never actually joining the military.

[Kassiopeia]

* Skanky Burns plans on never actually joining the military.

/me has to no matter what

Well, actually, it's like this. 6 months in prison (but no criminal record), 13 months doing civil service (anything from tending to old people to working as a secretary), 6 to 12 months in the military. Pick one.

Of course I'm trying to classify myself as unfit for service, and thus avoid all of those, but I might only be able to reduce my rating so that I'll be stuck in the military for 6 months. I can't do 13 months because that'll just wreck my uni right from the start.

I'm just damn glad I'm not Israeli. The mandatory tour of duty in the Finnish Defence Forces is a walk in the park compared to the IDF. It's the loss of good studying time that irks me, military service with my shape and skills probably means sitting in an office and the canteen for 2/3 of the 180 days (unit clerk).

[Dis]

I joined the navy. Boot camp was a breeze. . They can't even touch you anymore. They just make you get down and do push ups or whatever.

[Maniac]

Originally posted by Dissident
I joined the navy.

Ah great for a Spartan.
Since you were in the navy, do you know something about how things are organized for ships, concerning unit sizes, names and the rate of the highest commanding officer of the different units?
Could be useful for Spartan roleplay later on in the game.

[DeathByTheSword]

i have something for the next paper or maybe the IC stories. we can say or do that this report somehow leaked out and now is open to read by anyone but if we dont want to use it we dont use it

Debrief

Mission:000-0000-0011-3572-31
Mission alias: Shadow-watcher
Operatives: Captain [censored] and sergeant major [censored]
Operatives alias: DBTS and line
Objective: To explore the possibilities and feasibility of infiltration of [censored] and start an M-41 mission in the same location.
Status: PENDING
Side notes: First part of the mission is a succes and line is in position for M-41 mission
Recommendation: make official contact with the [censored] Faction as soon as possible with regular troops. Captain DBTS recommend using the chiron Knight division for it.
Attachments: Debrief interview with DBTS


Debrief interview with DBTS
interrogator: Captain Googlie

DBTS:

we left on the night of [censored] to meet up with the local resistance. We had a 10 day hike up through the fungus to get to the ocean. On the second day we lost our food supplements because line fell down a cliff. It wasnt that high, i guess 45 meter or something like that, so he didnt broke anything. It is a well trained man. We started hunting for mindworms from there on out. We found some on the [censored] the were a mature boil so we had enough to eat for the rest of our journey. We arrived at the beach just 2 clicks south of [censored] bay on the [censored]. We need to swim 60 km to the island where base [censored] is located. We arrived 2 hours later. We werent tired or something but Spartan regulations states that we need to rest after 10 days of light exercise. So after the recommended 10 minute rest we set out to locate the resistance. They werent hard to find. The left an easy trail to follow. After the meeting with the head of the movement down there, [censored] is his name, we started our surveillance of the base. the [censored] soldiers are poorly trained and even worse equipped. After 5 days line with help of the resistance was moved into the base and started the preparation for the M-41 mission. He send one message back it:

line:
i am in position. It is a typical [censored] base. you cant get anything for free. Even the restitance wanted credits from me for the place i am living in. I am glad when we take out this fat money pigs and start building a real base her. END TRANSMISSION

DBTS:
I left right afterwards and came back without any problems.

Captain Google:

recorded and approved by me, Captain Google of the Spartan armed forces, on [censored] in base [censored]

END DEBRIEF INTERVIEW


Send for approval to: Lt. Colonel Maniac

[Kassiopeia]

i have something for the next paper or maybe the IC stories. we can say or do that this report somehow leaked out and now is open to read by anyone but if we dont want to use it we dont use it

I'm sure we'll be able to use it somehow.

You know, people, we could make The Phalanx a weekly effort at this rate. I've got an idea on Jamski's and Skanky's alcohol-induced posting (there will be lots of quoting), and the transcript may need some flesh around its bones (I can arrange that). Then we have the physical exercise part of Being a Spartan.

We could use one or two more articles, though, so keep the ideas/suggestions/articles coming! How about slipping in something about the negotiations we just had with Domai in the IC story thread?

[Zeiter]

First Day of School Essentials for Spartan Youngsters

The age of 7 is a special milestone in every Spartan's life: It's the age when they finally leave their family and go off to train for Spartan military service and citizenship. And as a proud and loving parent, you want the best for them. So here are some First Day of School Essentials to prepare your children for the challenges that they will face at their first day of training camp:

*50-caliber machine gun
There's nothing worse than getting picked on by a bully on the first day of school. Recent studies have shown that a child equipped with a 50-caliber machine gun is 83% less likely to be the victim of a bully. This can be mounted on the family car, on the front of a child's bike, or your children can strap it around their shoulder if they walk to school.

*Psidef XenoRoaster FD7 Flamethrower
Even worse than getting beaten up and losing your lunch money on the first day is getting your brains ravenously devoured by a swarm of mind worms. Studies have shown that the #1 reason for children between the ages of 7-14 dropping out of school is mind worm decapitation. Make sure your children are prepared to deal with these relentless creatures! In addition, teach them the "Just say NO!" technique for when a swarm of mind worms uses its psi powers to try to persuade your children to come closer. The Flamethrower's gas tank straps on to the back, and it even has pockets and zippers so that your children can also use it as a backpack. The flamethrower can also be mounted onto a car or bike. With a 50-caliber machine gun in the right hand, and a Psidef XenoRoaster FD7 Flamethrower in the left hand, your children will be well prepared to face any dangers on the way to school.

*Paper, pencils, and scissors
Your children will need paper and pencils to write down combat procedures and operation objectives. Well-sharpened pencils also make good melee weapons. Likewise with scissors.

*Waterproof Combat Boots
As an annual tradition, the first grade class is initiated on a field trip to the Tropics of Mycenae, where they hike 100 miles through swampy undergrowth. Getting gangrene on your feet really puts a damper on the field trip, so make sure your children have some sturdy combat boots that will last them a hundred miles of hiking through this rough, swampy terrain.

By preparing your children with these First Day of School Essentials, there's a chance, with some luck, that you just might see them again.

[DeathByTheSword]

LMAO!

[Kassiopeia]

Uh oh, it's the eighteenth already. I'll hammer together Issue #2 by tonight.

So, the repertoire will be:

- Being a Spartan Part 2 (Sergeant Ahrnie's exercise lesson)
- First Day of School Essentials for Spartan Youngsters
- A scoop on the code used by Majors Jamski and Skanky
- A scoop on the "leaked" comms transcript (I was thinking of juxtaposing this and the former story with an overlandishly touted notion that the Spartan press is balanced and fair (tm) )
- A very coloured report of the launch of our first colony pod (although wouldn't this be classified information? Maybe say that it's our fifth colony pod? or maybe concentrate on the drone negotiations only, and leave out the CP thing altogether)

We had six pieces in the first issue, it'd be nice to have six now too. That may be trying too hard though, but I'd welcome a sixth article and/or will try to get one written myself. There's room for another editorial but those have a habit of turning out rather dull. Maybe the editorial could be on the balanced and fair (tm) Spartan press.

Edit: Or perhaps a film review? The possibilities are endless. I just need to find a fitting movie I've seen or can find out about enough.

[Skanky Burns]

If that balanced and fair report is in the same vein as the Starship Troopers movie propaganda, it should be very good indeed.

[Maniac]

Originally posted by Kassiopeia

Wow, have you already written all those articles? If so, could we get a preview of the remaining material for next issue?

Anyway, regarding a sixth article, I've read some good stuff here describing Boot Camp:

Phase I: Phase I is also known as the "Red Phase," or "Patriot Phase." Phase I runs from Week One to Week Three. The first thing you'll notice about your new drill sergeant is that he or she appears to be a different species from the ones hanging around the Reception Battalion. He/she will appear to be much larger, much meaner, and very much louder (like Air Force Training Instructors, Army Drill Sergeants are also known for their chronic hearing problems). Unlike Air Force Training Instructors, Army Drill Sergeants absolutely love push-ups. "Drop and Give me Twenty" is a favorite phrase (shouted, of course). On this first day, pretty much everyone will get "dropped." You'll be dropped individually, you'll be dropped in pairs, and you'll be dropped as an entire platoon.

Week one is best characterized by a term known as TOTAL CONTROL. Total control is were the soldiers only do what they are told to do by their Drill Sergeants. While the Army actually likes initiative and innovation, Drill Sergeants hate it (at least during the first three weeks). The first few weeks of Basic Training is definitely NOT the time to find a better way of doing things. Soldiers arrive to the Basic Training Unit from the Reception Battalion and are immediately immersed into an environment where every move they make is scrutinized by the Drill Sergeant.

One word of warning here: while the Air Force wants its recruits to address T.I.s as "Sir," or "Ma'am," don't try this with an Army Drill Sergeant unless you want to witness a one hour tirade (shouted, of course) about how s/he "works for a living." Said tirade is normally followed by the unfortunate "Sir-sayer" demonstrating the definition of "work." The correct way to address an Army Drill Sergeant is "Drill Sergeant," such as "Yes, Drill Sergeant, or "No Drill Sergeant," (Remember, they are hard of hearing, so your response must be shouted at the top of your lungs).

When you respond to a Drill Sergeant, DO NOT look him/her directly in the eyes. This is known as "eye-balling," (such as, "Are you eyeballing me, boy?????"), and is a bad, bad, thing. Eye-balling a Drill Sergeant will immediately result in him eye-balling you back. This is done by placing his eye-balls about 1/8th of an inch away from yours. Suddenly, fire will erupt from his eye sockets and burn you down to your soul. Unfortunately, uncrisping your soul requires a ceremony which normally involves several push ups.

No matter how tough you think your Drill Sergeant is, he is nothing compared to his Grandmother. No matter how fast you run, how high you jump, how well you shoot, or how far you throw a grenade, his Grandmother can always do that better. Luckily, few people have ever met a Drill Sergeant's Grandmother. Those who have, rarely talk about the experience (with the exception of the Drill Sergeant, of course - who talks about his Grandmother every time there is something physical going on).

And it continues further... Just follow the link above.

Perhaps some of this could be reworked to some article about Drill Sergeants, or perhaps incorporated in the "Being a Spartan Part 2" article if it would fit in with the rest?