Taco Bell Sexy on the Jersey Shore

**Elok** · January 1, 2011, 11:07

Until recently, I was unaware of "Jersey Shore." I mean, sure, I'd heard the name, but I only knew it was a hit TV show on MTV. I don't watch TV. Then I visited The Onion a few days ago, and they had a gag profile of some creature named "Snooki." Imagine my horror to see what looked like the love child of an incubus and a Kardashian, this stunted creature with bulbous cheeks and a Nazca-skull "bump-it" hairdo. I went on Wikipedia to find out just who or what this being was. It seems Jersey Shore is one of those reality shows where young cretins act youthful and cretinous in a shared house, but it's totally different from the last fifty seasons of The Real World because they're all at least a little bit Italian. And I shook it off.

Then I opened up yesterday's WaPo and saw a picture of the full cast in the Weekend section. The same picture seen here. They're ALL Snooki! Not as Snooki as Snooki herself, but all of them, even the guys, partake of the Platonic form of Snookiness to some extent! I mean, the idea of these shows, as far as I know, is to get young, attractive people. They appear young, maybe a bit withered, but young. But the women, at least (can't speak for the guys) are NOT sexy. If anything, they are Taco Bell Sexy.

It's hard to explain Taco Bell Sexy. It's the mysterious appeal exuded by elaborately made-up shots of burritos in Taco Bell commercials. You get the sense that they pulled an all-nighter to make that food look yummy, but it still looks like what it is, a rancid pile of grease and grade-Q ingredients. And, at some level, you know that's what makes it attractive to people. The combined auras of foulness and fakeness pulls at their souls on a primal level.

Now, look at that shot again (if you can bear to; take your time). They're all unattractive, but the ugliness is compounded by a blinding flash of...in-authenticity. They don't look like plastic surgery, they just look like plastic, like everything about them is a lie.

Or am I overreacting? Is my knowledge that the show is about jackasses going out, doing stupid crap while drunk, and then acting offended and entitled when it all goes wrong--is that knowledge coloring my impression of these people? There will be a poll.

EDIT: Dangnabit, I didn't make the poll public!

**Kitschum** · January 1, 2011, 11:17

It's a right horror show: http://www.google.com/images?q=guidette

I thought the *****y(est) girl was alright but it's been a while I seen it.

**Hauldren Collider** · January 1, 2011, 12:10

That show is the worst thing on television.

**KrazyHorse** · January 1, 2011, 12:14

No.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridalplasty

**Traianvs** · January 1, 2011, 13:40

The Dutch have similar show called Oh Oh Cherso. Look at the cast and weep:

**flash9286** · January 1, 2011, 13:48

**Elok** · January 1, 2011, 13:59

Originally Posted by Traianvs

The Dutch have similar show called Oh Oh Cherso. Look at the cast and weep:

The girls don't look quite so rancid, IMO. Well, not the two on either end. Not gorgeous or anything, but not Lovecraftian like the Jersey Shore pic. But the guys look approximately equal in douchebaggery.

**Kitschum** · January 1, 2011, 15:19

Originally Posted by Traianvs

The Dutch have similar show called Oh Oh Cherso. Look at the cast and weep:

Oh yeah they made one in Sweden too. I haven't seen it so can't compare:

I think I have you beat actually. Horrendous.

The girls look like transvestites and the guys like homos no offence to homos.

**MRT144** · January 1, 2011, 15:32

Originally Posted by KrazyHorse

No.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridalplasty

QFT!

**Al B. Sure!** · January 1, 2011, 15:51

Taco Bell Sexy?

I googled the cast and got this picture:

yikes. Yeah. They're not attractive, especially not television attractive. Realistically, if you knew maybe one or two in real life, you'd probably say she's fairly attractive but not enough to be on television. On top of that, I think half the cast isn't even Italian. I think that Snooki chick is Hispanic.

Oh and it's hilarious how like every country in the world has their own version of this show.

**Hauldren Collider** · January 1, 2011, 18:02

Originally Posted by KrazyHorse

No.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridalplasty

I want to puke.

**Traianvs** · January 1, 2011, 19:06

Originally Posted by Elok

The girls don't look quite so rancid, IMO. Well, not the two on either end. Not gorgeous or anything, but not Lovecraftian like the Jersey Shore pic. But the guys look approximately equal in douchebaggery.

The girl on the left is actually fairly attractive. The one on the right however, not quite. She's nicknamed herself 'Barbie' (the second guy on the right calls himself 'Sniper').

:vomit:

**Perfection** · January 1, 2011, 19:08

FIRE AT THE TACO BELL

**Provost Harrison** · January 1, 2011, 19:17

She looks classy...

**Elok** · January 1, 2011, 20:16

Okay, I have more data for the experiment, and I've been a little more rigorous in collection: I pulled up the image on a separate tab, without context, and asked my wife to comment on the attractiveness of the guys, or her general opinion of them. She took a while to respond, but said they looked "gooberish." She didn't say they looked plastic until I told her who they were, though. Sort of a mixed result.

**Al B. Sure!** · January 1, 2011, 20:23

gooberish? What does that mean?

**Elok** · January 1, 2011, 21:13

Gooberish, adj. like a goober; lame.

**Al B. Sure!** · January 1, 2011, 21:45

The word she was looking for was guido

New Jerseyan/Jerseyite would have also sufficed.

**Cort Haus** · January 1, 2011, 23:47

Didn't South Park cover this?

**Al B. Sure!** · January 2, 2011, 00:42

**Darius871** · January 2, 2011, 13:16

Oh FFS you're such a bunch of ****ing women, or liars, or having their wives look over their shoulders as they type, or something. Can someone (especially Elok) please at least concede that there's a HUGE difference between A) "she has an extremely annoying personality and lifestyle that make me averse to hanging out with her on a regular basis" and B) "I would NOT **** the everloving **** out of [any one of those JS guidettes'] tight, athletic body 40 ways from sundown were it splayed before me on a silver platter with no questions asked, even if I hypothetically had the consolation of being neuralyzed such that I had no idea who she was plus the assurance that she would not speak a single word all night (except perhaps talking dirty a little bit at peak moments and making occasional clever references to Lovecraft, but certainly nothing about who she is or what her personality is like or what she does in her spare time)." We really need to parse out that important distinction before proceeding further.

**Al B. Sure!** · January 2, 2011, 13:51

Originally Posted by Darius871

Oh FFS you're such a bunch of ****ing women, or liars, or having their wives look over their shoulders as they type, or something. Can someone (especially Elok) please at least concede that there's a HUGE difference between A) "she has an extremely annoying personality and lifestyle that make me averse to hanging out with her on a regular basis" and B) "I would NOT **** the everloving **** out of [any one of those JS guidettes'] tight, athletic body 40 ways from sundown were it splayed before me on a silver platter with no questions asked, even if I hypothetically had the consolation of being neuralyzed such that I had no idea who she was plus the assurance that she would not speak a single word all night (except perhaps talking dirty a little bit at peak moments and making occasional clever references to Lovecraft, but certainly nothing about who she is or what her personality is like or what she does in her spare time)." We really need to parse out that important distinction before proceeding further.

Well we have established that you have low standards.

**Hauldren Collider** · January 2, 2011, 14:05

Glass houses, Al.

**Darius871** · January 2, 2011, 14:06

Originally Posted by Hauldren Collider

Glass houses, Al.

^

**Felch** · January 2, 2011, 14:09

Darius has a good point. With the right paint job, any old mare can be as pretty as a Welsh ewe.

**Darius871** · January 2, 2011, 14:12

Plus "low standards" to most people means putting up with saddlebags, wrinkles, trucked-out facial structures, generally poor hygiene, and the like. A tight, athletic body plus sharply defined, feminine faces (with the exception of Snooky, obviously put a bag over that butterface) is the very definition of high standards looking at the full spectrum of women that are out there and sexually active. It's just the supra-body information we happen to have about the obnoxious personalities, stupidity, and overall skankiness of guidettes that makes us fail to see what would - absent that information and perhaps with its replacement by some degree of normalcy - be half-assed decent pieces of ass.

**Darius871** · January 2, 2011, 14:28

Seriously guys, just hit pause and set everything aside that you know about who these girls are and what it implies about our cultural decline and what you "think" about all that. In fact, just shut down your cerebral cortex entirely and let your penis do all the talking. We're talking nothing but basic primal urges here. Make sure you're backed up by at least 72 hours as well just to make extra-sure. Ok, have you whittled everything down to that level yet? You sure you're sure? Now that you're there, look at this picture and try again. If you don't want to just... grrrr...uhmf-uhmf-uhmf...rawrRAWR then you simply lack a penis. I don't know what else to say.