Comments on the Wizard of Chiron

[Raging Mouse]

Although I have posted a dood deal (I think) of SMAX-fiction, I have never before written a story of my own. This one should feel a lot like the Wizard of Oz, and I hope you don't mind.

[Alinestra Covelia]

Cool story! I especially like the mix of childish innocence with all-too-adult scientific menace!

However, the first chapter is written entirely in the present tense - if nothing else, it makes it very immediate and abrupt (which did the beginning a lot of good). I trust you're not going to maintain this immediate and taut method of storytelling throughout the entire story? That would be rather exhausting for a reader...

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"In all creation, there can be no task more onerous or tedious than that of playing God." - Stephen Fry, 'The Liar'.

[edgecrusher]

very good... neeed more....
[This message has been edited by edgecrusher (edited March 10, 2000).]

[Calin]

Good beginning, good job of drawing the reader in. As Alinestra said, though, you may want to consider changing tenses...not only is it exhausting for the reader, it makes YOUR job harder.

Aside from that, can't wait to read the next. Good job!
[This message has been edited by Calin (edited March 10, 2000).]

[President Jakjon]

Your story explores a side of the University that has never been explored previously- family life. Children are to be nurtured to be researchers, but also used as guinea pigs; right? I feel that this is very in tune with the general vibration of the University, so keep writing! (And change the tense.)

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

[Raging Mouse]

Allright, tense will be changed as of part two (i.e. now), but I might return to present tense sometimes for effect. Enjoy.

[Vi Vicdi]

Great story, and I, for one, think your tenses are well-chosen.

(Keith Laumer's use of the present tense was downright eerie: "I come to awareness ...")

[Alinestra Covelia]

Hey... this story reminds me of a book I read when I was about 12. If only I could remember the title

First chapter described the state of mind of a girl (named Eva, if I am correct) who had survived a massive car crash and who was recuperating. She's in a hospital and her parents come to visit often, but one thing that is suspiciously absent is a mirror of any sort.

By the second chapter, the girl has become suspicious and asks her mother (by typing into a keyboard) to let her look at herself. Her mother starts to cry and refuses to initially, but eventually does so. The girl looks in the mirror and sees her hospital bed, with a nightmarish array of tubes and wires, and in the middle is a fearful-looking chimpanzee's face, staring back at her in the looking glass.

Anybody else know the story I'm talking about?

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"In all creation, there can be no task more onerous or tedious than that of playing God." - Stephen Fry, 'The Liar'.

[President Jakjon]

The second chapter was terrific! The subject matter, the tense, and overall style produced a smooth and enjoyable writing experience. As always, keep writing.

I once knew a guy in middle school who could beat anyone in 9 moves or less. He had the best record in chess club, and he beat me once or twice. People would try to come up with methods of countering him, but he always would alter his tactics ever so slightly, and win. Then I realized the way to beat him: random moves. He could only win against one who planned, who was logical. So I did not plan, and my moves were, individually, illogical. He resigned after 15 turns and never showed up again.

So, that's my "little kid beaten in 9 moves" chess story. Speaking of stories, chapter five of mine is up.

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

[edgecrusher]

very good... keep up tha good work.

[Raging Mouse]

That's part three posted. A note of warning to you readers; this story will be a long one. But a kind of conclusion to the first part of the story will come in part four. That part will again be in present tense, and it will be a long one. Look out for it in about two days.

[Pericles]

Intriguing. I am certainly interested. Please continue.

Oh, and don't be afraid of the present tense. It lends an immediacy that can make your writing intense (Excuse the horrible pun).

[President Jakjon]

[Finishing eating the praise.] It's cute, in a ten-year-old-converses-with-a-sentient
-war-machine type of way. I dug the cliff-hanger ending. It shows a sense of professionalism.

I'm not afraid of my pits smelling, either! However, no one appreciates it, even me.

Believe me, your story is rather speedy compared to mine. Chapters 1-6 all take place within about 36 hours of each other.

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--President Jakjon
--Datalinks

[Raging Mouse]

I've got part four ready, so why wait? Posting...

[Raging Mouse]

Ok, part five is up and I am taking my first shaky steps in using UBB-code. Hope you're all getting it right..

Also, I apologise to all for being such a lousy copy-cat, but I'd be honoured if some of you would let me use your usernames in the story.

Note: I'd also like to take into account which faction you'd like to belong to, so mentioning what faction (or factions) you like the most is appreciated.