Not dead

[Serb]

Stay strong, Pekka! As always!
You are the best Finn ever!!!
My best wishes for you, buddy!

[Ted Striker]

Would hit it

[Pekka]

Greetings from the pressure chamber.

I just finished my latest round of chemo and it sucked. It's not the physical pain, the nausea, the everything. It's that it's low intensity suck for a long time in a row. It is as if having a hangover after 3 days of drinking, and it just won't go away. No vomiting, just slow nausea, 24/7.

Well, it was worth it, against the odds it has worked when it wasn't supposed to. In this country, we had 2 protocols for this particular situation; radiation and chemo (after surgery), full chemo was 6 times, in which 1 time is a week of chemo (5 days in a row) and 3 weeks off. Back when we started, they tested 12 months for few people, and I was one of them. My oncologist told me this only during the last time. They hand picked few and with our consent, we got some extra. There was some indication that for some people it can be beneficial. It was for me.

So then, with the recurrence, they have 6 times only protocol. The drug is cumulative. So, this has been extended with an extra 6 as well. So that' 12 + 12, whereas 12 used to be the absolute maximum dosage for human consumption. I've been amazingly fortunate surviving this long and surviging the treatments with little damage.

I'd do it again for sure. So.... on Wednesday the doctor will call me about the results. Due to COVID19 they prefer to call... they said I could come but it would be good if call was OK with me. Of course I'll take the call.

What I've learned is that to survive, one has to adapt. And that's it. It's hard to wake up every morning knowing the disease is incurable.

One can take tactical retreats to rest. There are days, hopeless days when everything hurts and the only thing to do is to just breathe. Those days are long. It's the grind.

My state isn't any worse than the others.... I just know that nothing lasts forever, or even that long. I am fortunate, turning 40 is close! mid July. Then it's a short jump to my daughter's 10th birthday, Xmas, and so on and so on. Few more years and my son will be 10, and I'll be close to 45. That's just 5 years shy of 50. 45 would be 16 years with a tumour. That is so far away there will be better treatments available by then, experience in between I'd never give up. In the last 5, there has been great adventures, some new friends, parenting.

It is a terrible state to wait for the results. It is in, they are checking it twice. And they have a plan regardless. They won't just tell you the results but the next steps and appointments are scheduled ready,so the process continues without a stop.

In a strage way, when every day is a struggle, it comes with freedom too. Not the get up at 4AM, work out, be tough freedom. I can't do that and I don't need to do that. I just need to wake up and get up. There is no heroics in surviving forever or struggling in pain and working, being a tax payer. The externalities just do not matter. This is it. At some point, this is it, the medals will stay here and they never were real. This isn't supposed to be easy though lessening the struggle is good. I've done the things I've wanted to, as to the question of why choose to struggle and grind? No one chooses to struggle.

I'll be fine! Just a bit jumpy till Wednesday.

[pchang]

Someone once said a journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Just keep at it. Also, in addition to chemo there are monoclonal antibodies and new ones are being developed all the time.

[Bereta_Eder]

I wish you the best pekka.... alas for a dear person, I know about brain interventions I used to fear them so much but what matters is the doc. I wish you the best my friend
And I thank people who are demi Gods

[Dinner]

What will you do to celebrate turning 40? That is a real milestone.

[rah]

The supercitizen always wins. Hope you have continued good outcomes.

[-Jrabbit]

Thanks for the update, Pekka. Wishing you nothing but positive outcomes.

[Provost Harrison]

Hey Pekka, nice to hear you're getting through...been a while. How is this strangest of times treating you?

[VetLegion]

Pekka... while I was active here, you were one od my favourite posters

We've never met in person, but I am 100% sure you're a great guy.

I've not been active here... I drop by maybe once a year. Or once every two years, I don't know.

On these occassional visits I've noticed your struggle. I am very touched by it, and I sincerely wish that you recover.

I know it sounds like empty words but surely it must count for something that folks hundreds or thousands kilometers away wish you well.

You're a fighter like no other... The Supercitizen shall prevail!

[Pekka]

Good news, bad news.

Good news is that I am dating a wonderful woman. Keeping her in my mind gets me thru.

Needing to get thru the bad results, the chemo stopped working and so we switched to another one and hope it works.

THat's OK, but my ex wife takes me to custody battle all the way to courts. She wants the kids, and alimony payments. She wants it all. She has no case, but my lawyer told me the court will rule in her favour, lets try to settle. She argued she has to do more as a parent, and she said in the court papers I once forgot a pin code to our daughters gymnastics class and we had to skip it. While this is completely true, I think it's not a reason to "the kids need to stay with me so this won't happen again".

It is obvious, and the lawyer says this is too bad, but I've no options. We could try to push this back. I'd like a few more years, I am not going to live forever. I want to spend as much time as possible with the kids now. I can quit my job. I like my job and need the money but I choose to be with the kids. They're the reason I want more chemo and everything that has a potential to prolong life, no matter the cost.

I don't even think she is trying to hurt me or "get back to me" from who knows what. I genuinely believe she thinks it'd be in the interest of the kids to be with her 24/7 from now on. They'd lose their friends, change school, not see me, not see my parents.

I am very upset about this and i need to go to court. And I've no chance. It'll set me back a third of annual income. Alternative? Not even show up. It is a gesture to protest and have my voice heard, but I want to let the kids know that I've no part in this, and I want to be with them more, that it is not their fault.

Sucks.

As in there's no coming back from this. She just woke up and decided to take the kids. Equal rights my ass. And it is the kids' rights. There is a law that they have the right to both parents _equally_.

But... the summer is coming, and we're going to have a great time with the kids. Plus I'll get my mind off with my date. She's cool.

[Dinner]

Hang in there Pekanbaru. Life is so short and can end so quickly so we all need to be thankful for the time we have and live it to the max. My dad died a few days ago and I am feeling that so strongly right now.