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So the gloves come off again

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  • So the gloves come off again

    Hey fellow Polytubbies.

    Unfortunately, my next summer's epic hike is likely to be put off, as my brain scan was worrying. There were some minor changes, appx few millimeters. However, that having had Stage 4 cancer, it means it can be quick and aggressive growing. This is all speculation, but it is most likely I'll undergo treatments during the summer. I hope it will go well. I might go to Spain and redo the Camino instead, or Norway. In EU country, it's safer as whatever happens, I'm fully covered and I can get back home within hours if needed.

    I am still working, I have no alternatives than to work or lose my home. Of course, losing it is inevitable, but I do enjoy my current work (I changed to another employer). I thought I'd start documenting more, write, perhaps make short video clips of the stuff I do, in case I do survive for long; it might be interesting. Or if I don't, it might be interesting to the people I know. It would provide me things to do, new skills to learn and quite frankly, I am a bit lonely, too. Some attention whoring.

    I have not given up, and I still have all my physical abilities left. Right now this is mental, as certain death revealed itself again. I am most anxious about having to act that I am OK, working hard, paying the bills and making the ends meet so I can be a good dad. It's pretty rough and stressful. Basically, I have no help, my savings are now gone as I changed the job to a more satisfying one (still a good move). Mostly in shock, still, trying to figure out what to do next. There is no way knowing or predicting, I can remain somewhat functional for another year, two years, or just few months. I find it quite disappointing that the end of life stuff is still so mundane. My doctor almost kicked me out as she got nervous telling me the bad news and I said I will lose my home if I cannpt work and I have no support at all. She tried to force a smile and put me to see a nurse and left. I have become a traveller of the last phases of the cancer process and it's tough mentally for its utter lack of personal touch. I've lost all self-pity the last time, this time I am angry. At everything and everyone. (Not you guys )

    I just wanted to let you all know, since we've been interacting for years and I would not disappear without saying anything. So I think I will pick up the hobby of writing and making videos for therapeutic reasons. Don't know what it's going to be about. I guess to let out fear. I shall call it before I go, or something not too dramatic.

    That's all for now. Then again, I just might get more good years, no way to know. And yeah, I have a kick-ass job these days
    In da butt.
    "Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others." - Confucius
    THE UNDEFEATED SUPERCITIZEN w:4 t:2 l:1 (DON'T ASK!)
    "God is dead" - Nietzsche. "Nietzsche is dead" - God.

  • #2
    Having a satisfying work is important. After a long time I'm working somewhere where I can respect the authority. That's difficult for me but my superior is a guy that is the sh!t. Family man. Strong. I respect him. People tell me I'm kicking ass at work, engaging in different things succesfully. They want to put me in ethics commetiees. I have the reputation that I am untouchable. I just respect the people I work for.

    Also GREAT to hear from you pekka

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    • #3
      Thanks for touching base, Pekka. Hang in there, man.
      Apolyton's Grim Reaper 2008, 2010 & 2011
      RIP lest we forget... SG (2) and LaFayette -- Civ2 Succession Games Brothers-in-Arms

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      • #4
        Keep fighting and winning
        Tamsin (Lost Girl): "I am the Harbinger of Death. I arrive on winds of blessed air. Air that you no longer deserve."
        Tamsin (Lost Girl): "He has fallen in battle and I must take him to the Einherjar in Valhalla"

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        • #5
          Remember www.clinicaltrials.gov - there are always new things. If it turns out you need surgery, I would tell your doctor to contact Prof. Robert Langer at MIT. He has pioneered putting anti-cancer drugs into little wafers that they pack into the site of surgeries to remove glioblastomas - helps kill any cells they did not get and helps prevent metastices.

          the wafer thing is called Gliadel
          It's never too late to shut the **** up and hope for the best. - Kentonio
          If social security were private, it would be prosecuted as a Ponzi scheme. - me
          Check out https://shauchi.wixsite.com/fire

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          • #6
            I am sorry about the bad results but it sounds like they caught it very early and you beat this once before so you are in the best position possible given the circumstances. Best wishes, man.
            Try http://wordforge.net/index.php for discussion and debate.

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            • #7
              BTW how are your kids and parents doing?
              Try http://wordforge.net/index.php for discussion and debate.

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              • #8
                Yes, this is a very early capture of new growth. In theory, I might still have years, good ones. I am trying to optimise things. I have not yet told my kids, my mom knows but I am trying to find a way to tell my kids and dad. My parents have always been in denial and they do not want to discuss this with me. Let's just say they are both emotionally distant and have always been that way. It's fine in its own right.

                pchang, that's interesting. I've been following that website every now and then, my friend who also has brain cancer tried to find something, but we learned you have to pay for the trial with yourself, and basically it is not possible, as the Finnish system does not support trials anywhere except here. And we have 0 trials. So I'm out of money for that kind of stuff. Also, if I go for a trial, they can deny treatment here, too. It is the "last option" after nothing works. I would rather do a treatment that has something new and hopeful right now than wait. We'll see. Thank you for the tip though, I will surely try that one out.

                Also, I have a really good neuro-oncologist here who took care of me for years, she's a badass, used to do R&D and was a doctor in the US, she regularly fights local hospitals for their incompetencies, so I might go to her with this opportunity, have my scans sent to her, as she now works for a private clinic. It's defo worth a shot so thank you pchang. Just looking for a fighting chance. Don't really care about else.
                In da butt.
                "Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others." - Confucius
                THE UNDEFEATED SUPERCITIZEN w:4 t:2 l:1 (DON'T ASK!)
                "God is dead" - Nietzsche. "Nietzsche is dead" - God.

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                • #9
                  You always seem to have your head on pretty straight, so I can't think of anything useful to say except that you have my best wishes - and be careful about spending time and energy on women...
                  AC2- the most active SMAC(X) community on the web.

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                  • #10
                    I KNOW YOU ARE BUT SOAMI

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