maybe a bit depressed

[Pekka]

Anything new? I've been way too busy to internet a lot. Well, not true, but I've had to fight the internet baddies. What about you guys? New kids? New marriages? Divorces?

Letting you all know that I am still healthy, my next MRI is at the end of August so I try not to think about that at all, no symptoms what so ever so I think I'm fine.

I am writing most likely because feeling a bit depressed. No obvious reason. Probably worked too much, missing the kids a lot (will see them next monday though!), in London again and will be back with my gf in August for a musical, classy dinners and sodomy (that's the way we roll).

Mum moved to Seattle so might visit September. Going through some weird phase. On paper, everything is excellent. I think I am coming down from 3 years of stress and continuous battle (for life, custody of kids, etc). So now that I have put my guard down, I feel a bit crappy. Today I turned 36. I was supposed to die at 33 the latest. Looks like I'll be alive for quite some time. I never knew this would be a shock. I don't know what to do now; or rather I am not ready to go down that path again, it is just too hard. Once death is accepted, but life wins, it's just too hard to go down to the road of acceptance beyond intellectual acceptance.

Been going to a therapist for insomnia and stress. I wish I'd be a more energetic dad. My daughter is now 5, very intelligent (in my mind), introspective and verbally gifted. My son is now 3, a bit behind her sister at her age, but boys might be a bit slower in that regard. They fight all the time. All. The. Time. I wish I had the energy to be more present. My ex-wife sent me a bday, so we're getting along better now. She said my son misses me a lot and wanted to come and see me in London, the flight would not be a problem for him at all. That made me cry a bit. I miss him, too. I never knew I could miss people that much but I do. We are trying to figure out if he wants to continue with taekwondo or do something else instead. Daughter wants to do gymnastics and figure skating. She loves books.

So the therapist has suggested me to think if it would be better if I was happier, for the kids as well. I have a nice house, but I do not enjoy it anymore. Short sentences but I am tired, have not slept well and the airline lost my luggage with my shirts, and had to go get some new ones and I hate shopping for clothes. First world problems, I know. I feel guilt for being one of the luckiest people in the world, and yet not appreciating things enough to be happier. I am OK, maybe this will go away once I get actual sleep. I like it here in London. But I do feel quite lonely.

I guess today reminded me of my surgery a lot. Today is my bday, my day of getting married and divorced as well. 13th of July. The day for many things, personally. It reminds me how people you trusted can just betray you. It reminds me, perhaps unfairly toward others, that when I was bed-ridden for almost a year, 2 of my friends came to see me. 2! In the hospital? Only my mum and ex-wife (we were still married). It was disappointing. I thought all my relatives would come, closest friends would at least send a card or call. It never happened. Even my dad did not call me, let alone visit, though he was most likely afraid. But so was I. I learned a lot during that year and I am not sure if it is good. I said, then, that it is better to live with truth (what ever that is) than die in a lie. I am not sure if I still feel that way. Sounds good, but it does not feel that way. Today is my bday and I am in one of the greatest cities in the world, but I don't want to go out. I don't know, it's just one of those days... mostly I miss the kids. It pains me to know they miss me so much as well. This will pass, I have some beer so I will have a few for the celebration, in few hours I'll be fine and most likely sleep just well and wake up to a new morning like I always do. Oh, and I'm fat again. I kind of don't care about that. I am proud that I walked for a 100km, the last 20km hurt like hell. Lost 3 toe nails the next few weeks but next I'll do 250km in 3 days. I reckon it'll take more time but I'll push myself and see how long it takes. It's very therapeutic. I have nothing more to say. I just wish that either my kids or gf was here. Or a friend. It sucks. I'm doing some cyber stuff here, attending a course but it seems very basic to me so I am bored. I have come to a conclusion that these expensive training things are in fact a scam of the highest order. Regardless, I will get up early in the morning, eat a greasy English breakfast, get a bit more fatter, sit 10 hours and try not to look tired, repeat until Sunday, get home and get a new start or something.

But 36! Yay! Having sexual relations with 1 woman on the regular (though could be more often) yay^yay

[ZEE]

Pekka, whip out your penis. It will immediately make you feel better.

Then stand up, go outside, and scream, "THIS IS THE PENIS OF THE SUPERCITIZEN! BOW BEFORE IT AND YOU SHALL BE FREE!"

Please do as I ask, Pekka. Ending your depression depends on it.

[Pekka]

No, but my gf told me I had one of the biggest penises she has ever seen. She's a doctor. FACT.

[The Mad Monk]

Happy Birthday!

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

Happy large live manparts used for regular sodomy on a willing and attractive woman.

Everybody has moods; don't let the fact that you do, too, get you any further down. -That one of the tricks the black dog has for sustaining itself - makes you feel bad about yourself for feeling bad. Just ask Lori.

[Giancarlo]

Keep kicking ass... Or doing it rather. You have everything to live for and stay strong!

[Pekka]

Thanks, and yes, I have a lot to live for and lots of things that are going on my way. Like said, I am more lucky than most. I don't feel bad for myself as in pity, just kind of depressed in general. No energy, not excited about things. This is not completely true, I am looking forward seeing the kids and my gf, and especially coming back to London with her. Got us the tickets for the show today. It will be one to remember. I do quite like it here in London. People are mostly friendly, I guess it is the loneliness that depresses me. I have a difficult time relating to anyone. Everyone I sort of knew with the same condition I've had has died already. Even the ones who contacted me few years ago, asking for tips. I had none to give, except don't lose hope. But they did die. Young mothers with kids, fathers, all kinds of nice people who did not deserve it; they were afraid as well.

I am afraid to tell my gf that I think I love her. Minus the think part. She is kind of distant, but more responsive than earlier. I was glad to found some chinks in her armor, even though simple ones. She said she felt insecure talking in Finnish to me, as I did not understand something she said one day. That's how I feel most of the times. Talking to a high IQ person in another language, mumbling through words is not easy. But that's OK. But she would not feel insecure if she did not want me to really like her a lot. She just would not care about that, so invoking even sort of negative feelings in that regard has to be interpreted positively. Her friends like me as well and I like them a lot, so I have made new friends lately. We're going out next week on a double date that we had to cancel 2 times already, but now we are all going, finally. I really miss my kids a lot. It is painful to realize I cannot be away for a longer periods of time, it would be too hard. I guess that rips apart the old wound of accepting death. The only really sucky part was to know that the kids have to deal with it. But back then, they were 3 and 2ish. Daddy is a bit ill they knew, but now daddy is healthy. Back then, they would have gotten over it so much easier. Now? It'll be so much more difficult - then again I am not planning on getting ill any time soon. But it adds to the fear and I have a weird pressure of not dying. As in I'd fail them if I got ill. I know, that third time would be mentally so difficult that I might not have the energy of being a decent father. I'd most likely just be in bed and wait for an outcome. Almost impossible to explain as words fail the thoughts that themselves are a tangled web. I try not to think about it, but in dreams they get me. In them, the kids cry helplessly and and keep asking why I left. I try to talk but they can't hear me. I am on my back and their faces are on top of me. It's the stuff of nightmares, and I usually wake up to that and not sleep for hours. I have become afraid to fall asleep. I have managed to stay off the alcohol, it does nothing for me. I do eat too much, though. My gf is the only person who with I do not think about these things at all - we always have a laugh, good times and the occasional sodomy. She is really good at it, too. I hate that my moods are in a way tied to hers; I want to be happy without her as well. I need some new friends, obviously, and I need to continue therapy. The therapist just keeps saying how normal this is, and that I am dealing with it surprisingly well. I think it all comes down to trauma from being betrayed when I most needed help and got shouted and laughed at. I have told several times here that my ex wife laughed at me and said she knows I am going to die soon and I deserve it. I still have not gotten over those words. Even when someone is obviously having problems, it still was a shock that never left me. I'd rather her punch me in the face than say that, or just cheat. It is not the self esteem that got a hit in that part, but value as a human. The experience was so dehumanizing that intellectual pondering does very little to fix it. I know I am a good father, a good man and a decent sodomizer, I have no sexual insecurities, but the past feeling of being judged as a dying worthless nuisance left its mark. I would never ever wish that on anyone, nor would I think that another person has less value. I have not had the courage to tell this to my gf. She is a doctor, so I think I should. I am not unstable, in fact I am so calm and collected that my therapist said at the beginning if I have distanced myself from things and if it is easy to me. Well, it is not, it is survival. And calm by nature. And no, no suicidal thoughts. I have kids and things to do, places to go. Repressed I am, and perhaps that is why I write this here instead of confronting people. I do not want to play any 'cancer cards', maybe I should. People always have excuses.

I did go out tonight. I went to see a movie. Took the underground, which is cool in here. Turns out London is not all glory and Mary Poppins. Lots of homeless people and beggars, accompanied with flashing lights and cops, and disorder as well. I enjoy the buzzing city, I can be anonymous here. And not the cancer dude (who still lives). I want to get on with life, I just don't know how. Part of this is the fear of getting heart broken again. She's the only one who accepted me with my flaws and faults, and medical history. I don't know. Perhaps a beer and some netflix will cure this night as well, have to make it till Sunday and I'm back home. Monday I'll get the kids and Thursday we will have our date. Who knows, maybe some things that are illegal in some countries and states before that. It will surely sort me out. Now, beer and netflix.

[Dinner]

No, but my gf told me I had one of the biggest penises she has ever seen. She's a doctor. FACT.

Well, it is always good to get professional feedback.

[Pekka]

Well, it is always good to get professional feedback.

It is. I never thought much of it, but it does explain things. I thought women were small, not the other way around. Then again my hands are very big (as are my feet) so things are proportional. Can't believe that one beer got me a buzz and now I'll go and sleep. Feeling better already, Ta.

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

It sounds like you're just tired, man...

[Pekka]

It sounds like you're just tired, man...

I know... I am not even that worried. Just tired and unable to come off of it.

I've been working hard for ever since I got off from sick leave. Had no leave till this summer, and all my June was spent with my kids. I was tired for the most part - though we did have fun as well. But I was tired, regardless. My vacation ended with only a week by myself, I slept most of it, played some games and just was on the couch. I figure that was good. But now I'm back at work and have to deal with tons of things, major stuff went to the wrong direction in just few weeks. That, plus now I really miss the kids. I have to get back to a routine. Did not have any opportunities to go to gym on June. Just waiting to get back home. Get some sleep, and then, get back here on a real vacation instead of work.

It has been a bit of a disappointment. The course I am on is really expensive (the bad ones usually are), and I've spent most of the time fighting my laptop. When I finally got all my stuff ready for tomorrow's capture the flag, I went for a coffee and in the meanwhile my puter restarted and installed some updates (horrible WIN machine) and nothing worked after that. Rolled back to the old version and still stuff is broken. I've been debugging for hours now and I think I can't be bothered anymore. Had some nice payloads and exploits ready. Now I don't. It will be a success regardless, but I am against time with others so now my almost ensured victory will slip away, and that sucks. I think I'll take the whole network down there in retaliation. Or take the hotel network with me. Blame it on Windows.

[Buster Crabbe's Uncle]

Well, one of my tricks for living with recurring depression is recognizing that it's a thing that just happens and goes away on its own - not that I don't work at being/telling myself to be happy, but part of that is making peace with this challenge that has been set in my path. It passes slower if I do the wrong things to cope, but it always passes - and life can be pretty sweet during the "up" periods. I look at the minor depressions as recharge time, and it makes it easier to wait them out.

There's a lot more to it, and if you don't know anything about Taoism --- I don't know a lot beyond the basics, but those are about cherishing the joys the world rolls within your reach; noticing what a pretty color the sky is and stuff like that. Somebody lent me a copy of The Tao of Pooh about six months after, during a bad time, I'd worked out a lot of the same stuff for myself as better coping strategies. It explains the positive thinking and smelling the flowers stuff better than I can, which works better than other strategies I've tried, and is also a charming discussion of Winnie the Pooh worth reading for that. Not a long book, either.

Try to find a copy and check it out, really.

[Pekka]

Yeah I need better coping mechanisms. I used to go party as a young man, or work out. Later, I dwelved into gaming and reading. Then, I was married so.... besides, my ex-wife was depressed (or lazy). Never had too much time to feel crappy. Now I face my own problems, not the problems of others. Just opened a letter with my new MRI and check up, it's very soon. 15th of August I get to know the results. In the positive side, I just might as well be clear. Why not? And, it is a cause for celebration. This time, I'd get to celebrate it with my gf, as for last times I did not have anyone to celebrate with. On the flipside, I have much more to lose as well. We have not been together that long, it would be devastating to fall ill again, so I might just as well dump her ass and not drag her along with me. I am afraid that would be what I'd do without asking her.

It's so difficult to explain, no symptoms, so why is this so difficult, have I not gotten used to it by now? No, I have not. First, you expect the worst so being dazed already, it's not a big deal. Then, you realise you probably won't make it but are on extra time, so let's roll the dice and hope for the best. Once one accepts death in terms of it is actually going to happen soon, to me, it is both liberating and awful. You live in the moment, alert, in fear but hopeful. Or at least I did. I expected to hear good news at some point.

So now that time has passed, I just don't want to go down on that path again, it's very hard. I still accept death, intellectually. But emotionally I built myself up again from scratch and death, and I sure as hell do not want to go down again. I just do not need the experience. Had it already, let's move on.

It is not possible to disregard it as just one more check up. My mind does not work like that. If I have to go through treatments, I'd have to give up everything I have for all that time. I don't know what I'd do. Depending on the speed of advancement, which is no way to be determined, I would prolly jump in a plane and do the PCT hike. Kiss the kids goodbye and go. It's just the stress and fear that is talking to me with obvious desire to escape, but I am just so tired about this whole process. The next time I will tell them how much I appreciate all of this but I need to not come except 2 times in 2017, and then maybe once a year. It's just way too hard.

I already had to build everything back up again, new driver's license, start my research from earlier point again, get a new relationship, keep the job, lost all my savings, as the ex did not exactly contribute ("#)%"(#), But the fact is, if ill, I could not live in this house. And as I do not have anyone in terms of being in the same facility should I suddenly collaps or need medical attention, even in the form of calling an ambulance, I'd need to be hospitalized most likely.

I need to do something... perhaps beer and fall out 4 will distract me a bit. In the good news, I have a date with my gf on Thursday, and another date on the following Sat and we're going to spend the whole day together, from sodomy till dawn.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

It sounds to me like you're bottoming out, so things will pick up soon.

[Pekka]

It sounds to me like you're bottoming out, so things will pick up soon.

I'm sure they will. Just have to stay frosty - again. And it will all pass. These come in hurdles and bunches. Quite often they seem to loiter around these check ups, though. So, then, any activity related or not seems like a big deal - when in fact they are not.

I did something just now that I've never done before, I actually sent a message to my friends that they would join me for a beer the day before, to get my mind off of things. The first one already said yes of course. The second one jsut moved to Berlin but sent his best, and so I think this will be a good thing to do. The day before is usually tough, but given that I'll spend it with friends, then, will help a lot. I just have to deal with the morning. Probably go to the gym and see my friend there as well. Work out together. She always gives me shotgun anyway.

Then, I'll plan for a bit of a celebration, naturally I take the whole day off from work anyway. So... it'll be Monday and I am sure my gf will be able to party with me on Monday, not in terms of getting drunk, but some fun at least. She just moved into psych ward doc, and takes it very seriously. I admire that in her. Self disciplined. I have so little of that quality, I am more of a chaotician. But that suits me.