Making my move - a bit scary

[Kidlicious]

Well it went OK. It is very obvious me being a dad is not helping me at all.

She listened, and kept saying I must feel insulted by what happened, which is totally besides the point. And I kept saying that sure but this is not about me or my ex-wife. This is about my concern of all of them. It was like a big circle that kept going on and on.

She did agree that my concern is legit and that it was good to bring it out. Action? None. Maybe we will see in the future... that's it.

She agreed that the kdis would benefit from having a schedule that is predictable, like week with me, week with mom. Not the total randomness that is now. BUT she cannot, even as an expert, say that because she has no mandate to state that it is of the benefit of children that they have a solid schedule instead of arbitrary one. I kept thinking then what the hell can they do, or what is the purpose of them, except emphatise with the situation. SO that was a bit of a disappointment. Then again, I don't know what was I expecting. It became clear to me that if there is no immediate physical danger that can be proven, the best I can hope for is to have the kids with me half the month, that's it.

I'll take it though.

Then again, what I really want is for her to get some help and for us to have that week-week -schedule. Or two weeks, because that would allow me to shuttle between countries.

If I may be bold, why are you ok with your kids in her custody? She will say horrible things about you to them. Right now it may not affect them because they are young, but when they get older they will be psychologically harmed. No child should be harmed like that. Finally when they grow up they may realize what happened to them, or they may not speak to you because they will be screwed up. Don't think it can't happen to you. If she is crazy, that is what she will do, and your kids will be harmed just like other kids are.

Don't trust the shrink. If you were the crazy on, they would keep you from your kids, but they won't do that to a woman, even to save kids.

Get a lawyer. Don't let any harm come to your children.

[Pekka]

I already have a lawyer. And yes, as a father, I'm like 10 down. The kids are playing moving away and how they will move to their mom's and might visit me sometimes. They don't get that from void.

In any case, the shrink place is actually an official service for these kinds of situations. I was there two days ago and it was kind of pointless; they agreed on every single point and said that the kids need a regular schedule. Like yeah they do. Mom cannot provide regular hours working shifts, but I can. So the kids are with me whenever they aren't with their mother, when she has a day off from work. Irregular. Could be 3 days with me, 2 with mom, 2 with me. And vice versa the next week, no one knows. Also, I get the list as given with no way to actually propose any dates. That means i don't know what's goign to happen (nor do the kids) the next month. She gives me a list she has written with her own hands a week before the month. Then I adjust. She makes no adjustments what so ever. On the contrary, she might change her mind during the month and ask for me to keep the kdis for say, extra weekend. To all of this I say yes, give me all the extra. I go way beyond any reasonable amount of tolerance a human should take. Or the kids. It is quite impossible for me to plan anything, say someone would ask me for a date or coffee or hobby, I'd say I don't know if I can, I might or miught not have the kids then. It looks like it's free but it might change at any moment. Like this, I have lived for a year. What did I get in return? Nothing but "you are a crap dad" messages in all possible variants with an occasional psychotic rant where she accuses me of things she did 100 %.

Anyway, the special social worker asked me about what I think and I said well, I just want this arrangement to work, I don't care for my ex-wife at all, I would love to take the kids for a week from kindergarten, drop them off a week later and that's how we go about it. No need to see, or discuss. She is not taking any interest in the hobbies or like the PTA at kindergarten anyway. I do all of that because her attendance is exactly at 0. So not only do I pay for it, I also do all the work. SO I want week/week and the social worker said that well, it only makes sense for the kids. ANd besides, she said two homes is not a good idea. THe kids need one home, even if they go to 2 "homes" equally. But one of them has to be the primary address. Then she asked how long the kdis have lived in my address and I said "always, since we moved in". They also wanted to know what kind of networks the kdis have in here versus their moms. Well, all their friends are here, kindergarten is here, future school is here, grandparents are close, and my side of the familiy relatives are within like 100km radius, all of them (less than an hour drive). I've got good regular and stable work, I am healthy, so they want to talk to my ex-wife about settling this arrangement. The problem is, she can refuse. Then there is nothing they can do. Then they are not even allowed to give a recommendation. In reality, they want to see her to convince her it is for the best of the kids AND also evaluate if she is somewhat stable to be a parent. SO she is right ot be paranoid.

But that's the problem. IF she refuses, as a mother, she is on top. I'd have to go to court and bury her, and my lawyer has adviced given all the facts and evidence, it should be a slam dunk, but also the statistics are way against fathers in here,no matter how insane the moms are. It just does not matter. In rare occasions fathers win, but the moms can be heroin addicts, everything, and even then they have to be persuaded to let the father have the kids a bit more. Even insest fathers can meet their kids, I kid you not, while a social worker is in presence. We live in a crazy world, and one of the most insane countries in it, when it comes to some sort of god given rights that just are not fallible, and that is the institution of motherhood. I am all for it, but we should not be blind, some moms are not very good. And people lie. I am the only one with evidence. The kids are traumatised, I can see it every single day. It is not obvious but I know they are left with questions, and mom keeps feeding them **** that is harmful. Today they've been talkign about "moving". And how they are going to move to moms one day. But they might see me every now and then.

And that **** goes right into the child protection notification as well, on top of other interesting harmful stuff that has happened. And yeah, I got that crap on my iPhone as well, I didn't even ask about it so it's not like I was leading them to talk about that. It's such a usual occurrence already, nothing surprises me anymore. People are sick.

[Kidlicious]

I didn't want to hear that, but I had a feeling that's what the situation was. I think you're in for a long fight. My ex was addicted to meth, and she got busted. Then she skipped on her court date and moved out of state. We got a break for 3 plus years, but then she came back.

Anyway, it's a long story. You're in for a long fight. I'm pulling for you and praying for you. Keep us up to date.

[Pekka]

It will be a long fight.

What aggrevates me is that I don't feel like I've done anything wrong - yet in these situations the saying goes "it takes two". Yes, usually it does.

Also, I'm worried about my daughter, she is obviously in trouble, and has a knot inside of her, emotional knot.

I NEVER ask the kids what they did at their mom because it would not be reliable and I figure it is none of my business.But, today I found out that the guy who she cheated me with (from her work) has been playing house and home for a longer time. My son thinks his other home is HIS place. Now wtf??! Imagine my surprise and ...welll. yeah I wanted to go home, the the axe and go see this *******. There is just no limit what you can do and there's nothing that acn be done about it, legally. Of course they won't get away with it in the long run but it will cost me a lot of money and misery.

THe guy is sleeping over her, with our kids in there. I think a real man would say that hey, I kind of hang out with your kids so here, this is me. Just to let you know. Nothing. But I see him checking out my facebook page every now and then. He removed all his real pictures from his public profile. He is a big *****. And I will push my foot in it soon. I mean do they (and does he?) HONESTLY think that I will just forget and forgive? They must be delusional. Of course I will try to have it set legally. But I won't let it go either.

[Kidlicious]

That "it takes two" is collective guilt bull**** that people say because they don't want put the blame where it belongs. It's a form if scapegoating, but even people like marriage counselors do it.

Crazy women like your ex and my ex will hook up with some ******* psychopath just to get back at you. That's what mine did too. Sorry brother. Do whatever you can do. It's bad news. Just don't lose your cool. I know you won't.

[Pekka]

Well things got a turn for the better!

First, we went to the kindergarten to hear from the staff about our kids and they said that the kids have had great care at home. And when they are there, they are 100 % with me because my ex don't take them to kindergarten. So that feedback was directly for me. She made an ass out of herself, trying to challenge it by "what about the clothes" and **** like that. She thinks I make them wear "stupid clothes" and other kids will "bully them". And that they look like "clowns". Which is sad. They were what everyone else wears; hello kitty stuff, captain america, no brand, mickey mouse, all that stuff. Kittens. Princess and superheroes. The staff looked at her if she was somehow stupid and asked what about the clothes. She just said "never mind".

Then we had to go to the place where custody is settled that is not the court. You go to court if you do nto reach an agreement.

She has already given up. I was evil and 1 minute before it was our turn, I asked why do our children keep talking about this kid called x (in real life she i she is the cheater man's daughter), and if she is their sister? (They never asked, I lied just to be evil and mess her rhythm, which she did).

So she was nervous, red in face and mumblign and forgetting everything. So, we settled with me not paying any alimony since I've had the kids more so I already pay all of their stuff anyway but I'd waive my right for alimony from her, given that she comes up with a regular schedule for the custody. Week/week, what ever it is, it has to be regular. She agreed. She has exactly 1 month to come up with it. We also got the words "turns [having kids over] derives from mother's work schedule". It says no such thing anymore. She went on the defensive saying how she cannot demand her working hours to which I was evil and blunt, "not my problem, change your job if you can't do it - I can have the kids full time as well". And the social worker agreed!!!

So now... I have the stick. I pay 0 euros to her for the rest of my life. She lost the control and she knows it.

It was my biggest victory since beating cancer the last time. THis was a TOUGH one to crack. And I did not have to bury her in court.

Also, they are building a school right next to my house. How close? 100 meters. So, that will be their first few grades. And the deal states that the kids cannot be separated. I have the older one officially. So, she goes to the school first, so her brother has to come to the same school. There is no way she can take them to other school, the "state" does not permit it. So.... that means everything. I do not have to do more things. It played itself right there. She realised some of it (probably not all of it) and just... gave up. It was strange, I was ready to fight. I was ready to go to court, present evidence. Bury her. After a year and all those threats... she just gave up. Meh.

I was even more evil that I know she missed, I wanted that the agreement will be checked every 6 months at least two times and we'll see if it needs to be continued from the part of communication methods between parents. I got those threats from her and other psychotic messages, so if she keeps sending them, even once, we will see them in the next meeting but cannot discuss any other arrangements. Importnat stuff is locked.

It can be challenged only by taking it to court - where she would lose anyway.

[pchang]

Great news!

[Dinner]

Good news, man. Next time figure out if a chick is psycho before you marry her.

[rah]

If it was that easy, most men would be single.

[pchang]

The problem is that in general, the more psycho they are, the better the sex.

[rah]

Come to think of it.................

[Kidlicious]

That's awesome Pekka. I'm happy for you and your children. She did the right thing. Don't go soft though. Take care of your family.

[Kidlicious]

Good news, man. Next time figure out if a chick is psycho before you marry her.

He was likely young when he met her.