How do you get rid of a crazy woman legally?

[Pekka]

OK let's make it clear, I am here to seek for an advice and tips on how to distance myself from mentally unstable women.

This particular woman is my ex wife. We share custody of the kids. I agreed to this because she blackmailed me by implying she might kill the kids. Yes, it is a reason to actually not share custody, but do not forget, we live in a country where fathers have no say. We are the evil as men.

My ex wife is a self confessed narcissist with psychotic episodes. I learned about this only after we already had 2 kids. Apparently this, combined with what seems like ever since late puberty suicide fantasies and hearing voices, she was able to hide from me. I knew something was wrong but I figured she is disturbed a bit and hey, none of us is perfect, maybe bipolar.

She got herself pregnant with me and almost shotgun wedded me as a result. I figured it was the right thing to do, even though I definitely did not love her anymore.

So, when I got diagnosed with cancer, she started cheating on me at her work place (because she is classy like that) and denied it for the longest time, until she came under too much pressure and confessed. She was absolutely sure that I am listening to her phone calls (also paranoid) via cops. Because I know lots of police officers, and people on the intel business, she was convinced I knew about her stuff because I was listening to her phone calls.

Of course I never really did. But I fed into her paranoia by denying "no I have not listened to any of your phone calls, I mean it is not exactly possible technically with the tech that I have! I do not know how to do that. Cops will never do such favours for me". This was enough to convince her that we have been conspiring against her for a longer time.

What I really did was found her journal with tons of just psychotic stuff written on it, making it obvious she is not sane. How can you tell from just text? Believe me, you can. The style, font and size kept chaging when personalities clearly changed, and the content itself was nothing but concerning. I scanned all those pages just in case. I am glad I did that.

In here, we have no such thing as wrongfully obtained evidence. Evidence is evidence. If wrongfully obtained, the one doing it might be punished for it but it is valid evidence. Besides, it was laying on the floor in my house, so it is arguable that it is only bad manners to do that. Then again the context was that before she laughed at me saying I will die and it would be wrong if I survived. And she caved herself in one room, armed with kitchen supplies. And she was having raging fits. Like real rage. As in pupils of the eyes super small, just scary looking, eyes bulging out as if she an animal. She actually flashed her teeth - and at that point I went on automatic survival mode, everything slowed down as I scouted my escape routes and decided there are none, that I would have to leap forward across to couch and meet her in the middle and battle it out if it came to that. And make no mistake, at no point did I think she would come unarmed.

That kind of **** went on. I never laid my hands on her, never disrespected her. I always stayed calm. It seemed to provoke her even more, I was "extremely aggressive with being os calm". She actually accused me of attacking her with calmness. Then again she also accused me of being alive, her cheating on me, and whatnot.

So this is something many of you already know. As a recap, that is the important stuff to know. My experienced lawyer said I did the right thing and that this is the course of action to take. And, as time goes by, she will regain some sort of mental health and if not - there is no chance in hell she would ever get sole custody. See, I can actually prove all of this I just said. I have her diary scanner, I recorded some of her raging fits with a voice recorded, I took pictures of her armed positions. And I have her confession how she cheated on me on tape so there. Many of them I even state that hey, I am recording this just to let you know. According to my laywyer, it is all valid and usable.

So...now that we have reached a settlement with the funds and I got my keys back, she keeps having these regular weird things; just today she texted me whether I should ever have the kids in here because they slept at their grandpa's yesterday so I could sleep more (in fact I had a bday party and the kids wanted to go and see grandpa but makes no difference). And what a bad father I am, and why did our daughter have a black eye? SO to that I replied stating she had no black eye when she left here, is it just dirt? If it is a black eye, I want to see it and I can come over right now, are you home? We should take her to a doctor and have it checked out.

This is the crazy part: she sent me a picture and there is NO BLACK EYE WHAT SO EVER!!! Just some food on her chin. That is it! I mean how bat**** crazy do you have to be???? I replied to her saying I don't see a black eye, and I do not appreciate these kinds of messages where my capabilities as a father are being suspected, I am a good father and the kids can sleep at their grandarents and that is that. THe last message I got was how messy my house ALWAYS is (not true), and how I am NEVER at home when the kids are here (wow? I'm never at home? more bat**** crazy).

What can I do? Obviously Even though I divorced her insane butt, settled even though I did not have to, just to get rid off her, she keeps up this crap. My lawyer says she is probably thinking of soel custody but will not be able to get it.

I do not like that. In that case, I will go for the same, I will most likely get it (Heck, I could get it now), but I am afraid then she WOULD kill the kids. This is rough text, but I figured the kids are actually safer when in joint custody. She is insane. And suicidial. And psychotic. And a real narcissist. I do not throw the word lightly. She was eager to see me die. Eager. And yeah, she confessed to being one and having problems in her past with it.

I am not continuing this communication, basically I only replied to her "she has a black eye" message. She is definitely a stalker too. And an idiot, not very smart (fortunately). But, if I get sole custody, I would have to move from this house for sure. Change my name and everything. I am not joking. Do you guys have any ideas? You have no idea what I am dealing with unless you have experienced this yourself or can really empathise with what I just wrote. The wellbeing of the kids is the most important thing here, some of you would think it is obvious I should have sole custody. This would be the court's ruling most likely.

I have more resources so I can kill them in courts, but they are more likely to be idiots and drag it forever just to make it hurt. This will hurt the kids as well. Not like she cares though. It is, after all, all my fault. My lawyer says to sit tight, keep my mouth shut, keep documenting and keep back ups, and let them start the attack and when it starts, then counter with force.

I am a bit afraid though. For the kids. They deserve a mother that is sane. Kids need a mother. She should get better help. I have no bitterness, really, about the cheating or even the settlement. I just want her to leave me alone. She is kind of obsessed with me. And now I've been all over papers with pictures, I am the young father who beat cancer and did a charity walk of a lifetime. That reeeally pisses her off. But I did not do it for her or to piss her off. On the contrary, I said to every journalist to not mention that I am divorced (they all asked if I am single or who is waiting for me at home). I made sure she will not be mentioned in any kind of way that could be referred back, to protect her from insanity and to keep her secret, still a secret in a way.

I am absolutely convinced she will go totally insane (if possible) if I went for the first blow. She is hitting in the air and shouts how everyone is trying to hit her basically. Always being the victim (though really the aggressor and the bully), she is always having multiple fights with people at the same time, burned all her bridges and doing the same at all times. People are just cards to be thrown away when they do not give you praise or advancement. Now I am just ignoring her. I am afraid it will really provoke her, when she feels that I do not give a **** about her and that she does not owe me at all, to do something via the kids. And since she cannot win in court, the only way she can hurt me is something else I do not want to even think about.

So now I am just building a case against her in case she wants to go blow for blow. In the meanwhile I ignore all messages, and to her phone calls I have not answered in a long time anyway, it is just random screaming about what a dickhead I am, etc.

How do I legally get rid of her? How about a restraining order to not approach me, call me etc? Then a third party facilitator if it is about the kids that we really do need to talk immediately or in the future? I just do not like that because it would be weird for the kids.

Anyway, ****, it started again. Maybe it never really stopped. I am glad that she sent me a pic of our daughter with the black eye that is not there. I hope she would go to a doctor and ask for an advice about the evil dad who gives black eyes.

[DaShi]

I don't believe that the kids are safe with her. Regardless of what you do, at some point she is going to believe that she will lose custody of the kids. Do not assume that she will act rationally or will have rational beliefs. You've stated she is paranoid and delusional. She will reach this conclusion eventually. I don't know about Finlandia law, but you need to get your kids away from her and get her committed to an institution where she can either get help or be kept hidden away.

[Dinner]

If she is threatening to harm the kids then some how get it on tape and bring it to the police. At the very least they might force her to enter treatment so she can get better while at the best they might rule she is a danger to the kids and give you sole custody.

[Dinner]

She is not going to change so get every thing you can legally documented, involve the police so it goes on the official record from a third party, all of this will help you build a case that she is medically unfit and that you should have sole custody. Or at the very least that she must be supervised by a social worker when she interacts with the children.

[Pekka]

I called crisis support line as I have done before when the divorce was going on - they know how to deal with stuff and who the proper authority is. The worker said basically, after I read her letter to me, "this person is clearly totally insane. Absolutely ill. You should consult child protection services and call your lawyer.".

He should reminded me of the ugly fact (being a man); this will take years. It will be bad for you. But, it will not stop until you get the kids. And yes, I might have to change all of our legal names and move, get a new life for us basically. This is hard because we just got into our new house that we built and I like it here. The kids have undergone so much trauma already.

I keep looking at myself; am I thinking this because I really believe so from the kid's perspective or because I have been treated badly. If I believe the kid's are in danger and need to be saved, then I need to just drop everything. Kids go first. They are #1 priority. Whether I like my life or not, which I do, I have reached all that I want and now I am mostly "cruising", I have a great house, nice neighbours, great kids, the kids have lots of friends in here, I have a great job, good income, just everything perfect. Except one insane ex-wife.

The danger is real, even according to the crisis worker after hearing actual facts from the letters added with me telling about kidnapping, the ending of all of our lives (well hers and the kids), about her stealing kids' passports and putting them in the car and reluctantly giving them back after I strongly demanded so, by letting her know this will be an issue with the police soon unless she returns IDs.

I am afraid Dashi hit the nail... she will eventually come to conclusion; and then she will not act rationally. I mean just the knowledge for her that I am not responding to her messages and that I am happy, and she thinks that I have a gf, which I do not(!, but would welcome) makes her mad. So mad that obviously our daughter has a black eye and I am a ****ty father with bunch of non-facts stated. So I do believe that when it comes to it, it does not take too much for her to do something really radical.

Now, I cannot live with the knowledge that she hit a truck with the kids in a car. Nope. It would be on me, then. I'd rather die trying to get the kids legally safe. I keep saying legally, and that is because she is so insane, that no threats or things like that deter her from being irrational. She would not respond to force. So only legal means can be effective, in which she cannot reach us.

And that has to be legally done. And I realize, unfortunately, that if and when I get sole custody, she will go insane to the point where the kdis are in real danger. So that is why we need to move! Which sucks. My life is here. Our life is here. It sucks that we would then have to leave all of this behind that we used, well at least I did, lives to build. And let's be real, I had a really serious cancer, too. I am healthy now, but who is to say I cannot get sick again?

I think the only way to really accomplish this, is to get a serious gf who understands and accepts the situation, plays ball with our family well and is ready to move where ever we decide to go then. Maybe even abroad. I think it would be better to move abroad. I could probably, if lucky, make some money and support us all and get some nice things going on should I keep being healthy. Heck, give me another 10 good years and I am set.

I only thought these things happen in movies

[Pekka]

Oh, and we have no such thing as forced into mental institution. It is not possible. Everyone has to accept it.

Even if you murder someone, you can opt out from psychiatric evaluation. You just don't have to. Yeah, it sucks in this case.

And yes, the fathers are greatly against the odds, but in my case, this should be simple. She is mentally unstable and unfit. Whereas I have endured all the crap and focused myself on taking care of the kids with my #1 priority.

[pchang]

In the US, we have the "restraining order". If there is not something similar in Finland, you may have to get sole custody, and then flee the country.

[Pekka]

In the US, we have the "restraining order". If there is not something similar in Finland, you may have to get sole custody, and then flee the country.

We have sole custody and I am thinking of it seriously at the moment. I have done it before but I am considering it yet again.

We also have a restraining order in here, which people can get in an instant with 1 phone call and then have it extended by court order up to years. The issue here is that I am a man and she is a woman. To get a restraining order against a woman is, for the police, a laughing matter. I was told this by a police who is my friend and a male, who felt sorry about the situation. Then again he said these types usually claim the father to be a pedophile. Then again, the cops usually recognise the type and know it is not true, so they give the suspects an easier time, while they have to investigate.

As a father it is more difficult for me to get. So I am trying to prepare for it well. When I go for it, I want it to be a clear cut case. Slam dunk. So I don't have to spend too much time on it. Why time matters? Because it will be extremely stressful, she WILL lie a lot and throw poo that is not true and I am afraid she will try to hurt the kids in the process to get to me. SO, then the kids would need protection during the process, which is traumatising for the kids. THat is why it needs to be quick and clear. So I need really decisive case. It starts with me gathering all the documentation that I already have, put it in a timeline or some other easy to look format for an analysis for the lawyer(s). I need a plan, as to get out. We cannot stay here after that. I do not want to live in another place in Finland. THis is a small country and I do not want her to find us in the case we flee. I don't want to live in a constant reminder of things or in fear that she might find the kids somewhere and hurt them. So I see no other option than to get out of Finland, then.

It would still take a lot of time and quite frankly, I do not think it is the best idea out there. It would make more sense to have a serious relationship, the kids need a mother figure, and us, the three of us would be better off with a stable woman with us. And we could then share, as adults, the responsibility of it all better. It is already hard to be a father of two young children who have undergone what they have (well they are 1st world kids so not like they've seen combat), and do all the things by myself and on top of that get the stalker in my life who refuses to leave me alone.

So I am looking for a quick finish and a clean cut. It is hard. I like our life. Why does one crazy person get to dictate? I can ignore her, which I have done so far, so she does not get to dictate anything. The important thing here is the safety of the kids, which I cannot absolutely guarantee. That, plus she is already implying me being violent against the kids. That to me, is a sign that she is thinking of it. Violence. In the past, she always blamed me for things she actually did it herself. She blamed me for cheating, WHILE she was cheating. She blamed me for stealing money, while she took money from me. It was like a strange game of mirrors. That, by the way, is her tell she does not even realise. Not very smart.

[notyoueither]

In the US, we have the "restraining order". If there is not something similar in Finland, you may have to get sole custody, and then flee the country.

Can't legally be done AFAIK. There's an international convention that says it's illegal to move children across borders without consent of both parents. Custody isn't enough to be legal. He'd need her consent or be going outside the law and being a 'bad' father.

Should check this with a lawyer though, Pekka.

[Pekka]

Can't legally be done AFAIK. There's an international convention that says it's illegal to move children across borders without consent of both parents. Custody isn't enough to be legal. He'd need her consent or be going outside the law and being a 'bad' father.

Should check this with a lawyer though, Pekka.

Nah that is correct. I can move within the country, but not abroad without her consent. I will check for exceptions with my lawyer.

Anyway!

I had a crazy day; I just heard that I am dead!

Seriously, my aunt called me that my cousin's bf was in Estonia and met up with a guy from me ex wives work place and somehow they ended up chatting for the night and somehow it came up that I am dead. To which our guy said "no, in fact he is very alive, walking across Finland".

What?

YEAh, she told, at the work place, a year ago, that I am dead and that is why she is single and can fool around with men. :Lol:

And then, the walk becomes front page news in local magazines and one national magazine, stating my name, status as a cancer survivor and having two kids with their age and names. And the city I live in. SO yeah, now they know she lied a year ago saying I am dead.

Well, that looks good in your resume, and in the court. Telling to your co-workers your poor self is now a widow, with 2 kids.. I think no one really feels sorry for her now. REmembering all that fooling around.

You know, makes me think she might have told the guy at work place I am dead. In fact I bet 200 euros that it is the story she fed him to get laid. Poor woman, needs some love now. All alone with kids. Well, that did not work out :Lol:

My mom was horrified about it, insulted that she would tell such a lie that her son is dead on top of all the **** she did before. I, myself, still find it amusing and the best news I got today.

Why? She is toast. And I did not do anything to provoke this. THe only thing I did was walk across this country, and my cousin's bf talked to a random guy in ANOTHER country and this came up.

Man... there has to be some divine justice somewhere. What are the odds? Really low. And I thought she was jsut jealous of me makign the walk and succeeding. But no... it would expose her lie!

It is too late for her now. My lawyer will most likely thank his lucky stars, easiest case in history. In fact, she has to be really humble nwo to not lose her job. She destroyed herself. I cannot say I feel bad for her.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

I am no expert on Finnish employment laws, but I'm not convinced that claiming your husband is dead is a sacking offence.

[Pekka]

It's not an offence for sacking. But it is a case of warning. She works for... child protection no less. She was having sex at the work place.

edit: I mean her mental stability is very questionable. Her job requires good mental health. She obviously has none.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

It's not an offence for sacking. But it is a case of warning.

Why? How does this impact on her work?

She works for... child protection no less. She was having sex at the work place.

And?

[Pekka]

She works for child protection. There are actually rules. She might not get fired, but warned most likely. I hope she does not get fired. She will be more desperate if she does.

[Bugs ****ing Bunny]

Are you seriously telling me that in groovy, unrepressed Finland it's a disciplinary breach to have sex with a colleague?