Legal advice needed (or sneaky advice)

[Dr Strangelove]

Your wife is in denial about your illness and her financial situation. I think you need to get into counseling and consider a support group too. Talk to some people about your ptoblems.

[snoopy369]

The only thing I'd caution about the house: make sure it's very easy to maintain and a few other people agree on any plans that aren't totally standard. My father in law was an engineer and built his own house, which was really cool, but impossible to maintain the really complicated systems like the lake water pump/filter/something and the cooling via circulating lake water; so when he passed away it was impossible to keep everything going.

[Dinner]

I think it is obvious she's extremely frightened about your medical condition and it seems like she's trying to limit her emotional sorrow by emotionally disengaging from you and creating delusions (like claiming you cheated when you didn't). Yes, this is a really crappy thing for her to do especially when you need the love and support the most but maybe you can understand why she's doing it even though she's probably not even consciously aware herself that she's doing it. Both of you need to speak to a family counselor badly; one which has experience with cases where one partner has a serious illness.

[Dinner]

You could speak to a lawyer about setting up trust funds for your children and another for the house and maybe making your father (or someone else whom you trust) the executor. At least then you'd know there was something which she couldn't mess up and which you have put away for the future of your children. Maybe put the trust funds as the beneficiaries of any life insurance you might have or something. If her debts are extreme you could declare bankruptcy after locking all of your assets up in the irrevocable trusts and make sure the bankruptcy is finalized before you die so that they can't get a wack at the insurance money. Either way you should concentrate on what you can do and not what you cannot do and remember it isn't even a sure thing that this will turn out for the worst yet. There is still hope just as there has been hope for three years now.

[Alexander's Horse]

Do whatever will give you and your family the best quality of life. I think she is in denial about your illness. That may change. She may also be angry at you for being sick and leaving her, and frightened. The "mistress" she despises might really be the cancer, not another woman. In a strange way she may see illness as a kind of infidelity. It may be her way of talking about it, showing her feelings. Some women are like that, Mrs Horse does that when she is really upset about something else.

With some people deep distress and concern comes out all wrong. The childish behaviour gives it away. Divorce or separation could be really stressful, shorten your life. Enjoy your time Pekka, take it as easy as you can, make good memories for your children.

[Dinner]

You could write some letters for her and your children which would be opened by them on the event of certain occasions. Letters for each birthday, letters for when they start middle school, letters for when they start high school, letters for when they graduate high school, letters for when they go to college, letters for when they get their first job, letters for when they fall in love, letters for when they are getting married, etc... That way dad can give them advice even if he is no longer alive and at least in this way they can feel a connection to you. Don't forget to enclose pictures of you with them.

Also, if you really are worried about her not being able to manage finances then speak to a lawyer about setting up a trust so that you can set up in advance a system which she has no control over and thus can't screw up.

[MOBIUS]

Sometimes poly actually makes me feel proud...

All the advice here is excellent and I think the recent posts about how your wife seems to be dealing with things in the way that she is, really seem to hit the nail on the head. The question now is getting the help that you both need and getting her to accept that too.

[Pax]

I have been in several situations like the one you are describing. IMHO you already have the answers to most of your questions.
1. She does not want to wait for you to die.
2. You have no control over the house, her or your kids when you die.
3. Five years is a long time. There are people that will die in a few minutes that don't have 5 years. Live your life.