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Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but as a comedian, with George W.
Bush coming into office, I feel like the owner of a hardware store before a
hurricane. I hate to see it coming but I have to admit it's good for business.
I'll take my shots at Dubya, but I actually have high hopes for the next four
years. I see George W. Bush working hard to keep the ambitions of big business
and the military in check, and ensure that even the lowest job pays a dignified
wage. I believe he'll erase the animus that has divided Washington, and bring
both sides of the aisle together. I also happen to believe dogs can talk if you
touch them in the right spot, and everyone watching me is happy with their
body.
As much as I'm willing to give Bush a chance, I'm a little nervous about his
intellectual capacity. I mean, at least Clinton had his dick to think with.
And Clinton did a lot of thinking. If I were Bush, the first day I took over,
I'd have a convoy of six Rug Doctor trucks come chugging through the main
entrance of the White House, park right in front of the TV cameras, and start
dragging their steam-cleaning hoses through the Oval Office door. Well, come
on. It's got to be like buying Bob Guccione's mattress at a yard sale.
You can say what you want about Bush, but he's going to surround himself with
people who are so experienced that they aren't gonna let him eat at the
grown-up table for a long time.
And you can't understand the great and powerful Bush without peeking behind the
curtain at the clever bald man pulling all the levers: Vice President Dick
"It's Probably Just Gas" Cheney. Now, Cheney's heartbeat skips more than
Richard Simmons on his way to a Ricky Martin concert. You know, the job of V.P.
doesn't give you that much to do, so it would be a shame if the very first
state funeral he attended was his own. But Cheney is also smart, crafty and
persuasive, so give George credit for putting him on the team. Most
presidential candidates try to pick a running mate who won't outshine them, but
who would that be for Bush? Maybe Wilson the volleyball from the movie "Cast
Away."
Let's put Bush's cabinet under the microscope, or, as he calls it, "the
little-stuff-to-big-stuff thingy."
Now, we do need to cut Bush some slack on Linda Chavez. How could he possibly
know the woman had a Guatemalan slave? Chavez got out quickly. I guess she felt
that if people had a hard time with the illegal alien maid, they might respond
even more negatively to the 30 Haitians assembling "Salad Shooters" in her
basement.
Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft will not be able to fill Janet Reno's
shoes, but then again neither could Shaquille ONeill. But what I don't
understand is how Ashcroft can be so pro-Death Penalty when he lost his last
election bid to Mel Carnahan, a dead guy. What's really scary is that most
people thought Carnahan won the debates, too.
National Security Advisor nominee Condoleezza Rice has often been described as
W.'s "foreign policy tutor". Oh, yeah, I love the sound of that. It's nice to
know we're signing our nuclear arsenal over to a man who needs after-school
help. Don't you think the fact that he needs a tutor ought to be raising more
eyebrows than Eminem teaching kindergarten on the planet Vulcan?
Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Tommy Thompson says his top
priorities include overhauling social security and Medicare as well as fixing
his stupid name. Hey, what kinda guy makes it past forty with a "y" on the end
of his first name? Hey, Tommy Thompson, nice to meet you, you loser ****, I'm
Denny Dennerson.
For Secretary of State, Bush chose Colin Powell. Okay, no complaints there.
Nice to see that Bush picked a minority. After all, a minority picked him.
All in all, George W. Bush has to have had the same reaction that I did after I
got the job on Monday Night Football. Hey, what in the hell happened here? I
only applied for the job because I never thought they would actually give it to
me. So my advice, George, is take your lumps and jump in there. For me it was
the best thing I ever did, next to this show on HBO of course. Man, it's hard
kissing two asses at once.
You know, in the end, it's hard to know what history will make of the second
Bush presidency. Will it be regarded as an aberration in the electoral process?
A surprisingly capable underdog effort? Maybe just a placeholder in the strange
but easy-to-remember Presidential sequence "Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton."
Whatever is to be, there's one thing we know: It's time for Daddy's little boy
to grow up. George W. Bush's seemingly endless supply of free passes is now
officially drier than any of the oilwells he once managed. Well, I, for one,
wish him the best.
Now, I don't pretend to know anything about the Machiavellian intricacies of
politics, the " one - hand - washes - the - other - that - scratches - the -
back - that - spanks - the - monkey - that - gives - the - reacharound - " to
whomever. All I know is, with the Nasdaq numbers acting like they're in a fight
scene from "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and the once-madly-thriving economy
now teetering like Forrest Whitaker in a pair of Jimmy Choo stilettos, if I
were Dubya, the first thing I'd do when I set foot in the White House, before I
unpacked the video golf game, before I started crank-calling my old frat
brothers, before I snuck up behind Dick Cheney and popped an inflated paper
bag, the first thing I'd do is get my ass on the phone and send Alan Greenspan
a four-year supply of Omaha ****ing steaks.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
ACK!
Bush coming into office, I feel like the owner of a hardware store before a
hurricane. I hate to see it coming but I have to admit it's good for business.
I'll take my shots at Dubya, but I actually have high hopes for the next four
years. I see George W. Bush working hard to keep the ambitions of big business
and the military in check, and ensure that even the lowest job pays a dignified
wage. I believe he'll erase the animus that has divided Washington, and bring
both sides of the aisle together. I also happen to believe dogs can talk if you
touch them in the right spot, and everyone watching me is happy with their
body.
As much as I'm willing to give Bush a chance, I'm a little nervous about his
intellectual capacity. I mean, at least Clinton had his dick to think with.
And Clinton did a lot of thinking. If I were Bush, the first day I took over,
I'd have a convoy of six Rug Doctor trucks come chugging through the main
entrance of the White House, park right in front of the TV cameras, and start
dragging their steam-cleaning hoses through the Oval Office door. Well, come
on. It's got to be like buying Bob Guccione's mattress at a yard sale.
You can say what you want about Bush, but he's going to surround himself with
people who are so experienced that they aren't gonna let him eat at the
grown-up table for a long time.
And you can't understand the great and powerful Bush without peeking behind the
curtain at the clever bald man pulling all the levers: Vice President Dick
"It's Probably Just Gas" Cheney. Now, Cheney's heartbeat skips more than
Richard Simmons on his way to a Ricky Martin concert. You know, the job of V.P.
doesn't give you that much to do, so it would be a shame if the very first
state funeral he attended was his own. But Cheney is also smart, crafty and
persuasive, so give George credit for putting him on the team. Most
presidential candidates try to pick a running mate who won't outshine them, but
who would that be for Bush? Maybe Wilson the volleyball from the movie "Cast
Away."
Let's put Bush's cabinet under the microscope, or, as he calls it, "the
little-stuff-to-big-stuff thingy."
Now, we do need to cut Bush some slack on Linda Chavez. How could he possibly
know the woman had a Guatemalan slave? Chavez got out quickly. I guess she felt
that if people had a hard time with the illegal alien maid, they might respond
even more negatively to the 30 Haitians assembling "Salad Shooters" in her
basement.
Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft will not be able to fill Janet Reno's
shoes, but then again neither could Shaquille ONeill. But what I don't
understand is how Ashcroft can be so pro-Death Penalty when he lost his last
election bid to Mel Carnahan, a dead guy. What's really scary is that most
people thought Carnahan won the debates, too.
National Security Advisor nominee Condoleezza Rice has often been described as
W.'s "foreign policy tutor". Oh, yeah, I love the sound of that. It's nice to
know we're signing our nuclear arsenal over to a man who needs after-school
help. Don't you think the fact that he needs a tutor ought to be raising more
eyebrows than Eminem teaching kindergarten on the planet Vulcan?
Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Tommy Thompson says his top
priorities include overhauling social security and Medicare as well as fixing
his stupid name. Hey, what kinda guy makes it past forty with a "y" on the end
of his first name? Hey, Tommy Thompson, nice to meet you, you loser ****, I'm
Denny Dennerson.
For Secretary of State, Bush chose Colin Powell. Okay, no complaints there.
Nice to see that Bush picked a minority. After all, a minority picked him.
All in all, George W. Bush has to have had the same reaction that I did after I
got the job on Monday Night Football. Hey, what in the hell happened here? I
only applied for the job because I never thought they would actually give it to
me. So my advice, George, is take your lumps and jump in there. For me it was
the best thing I ever did, next to this show on HBO of course. Man, it's hard
kissing two asses at once.
You know, in the end, it's hard to know what history will make of the second
Bush presidency. Will it be regarded as an aberration in the electoral process?
A surprisingly capable underdog effort? Maybe just a placeholder in the strange
but easy-to-remember Presidential sequence "Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton."
Whatever is to be, there's one thing we know: It's time for Daddy's little boy
to grow up. George W. Bush's seemingly endless supply of free passes is now
officially drier than any of the oilwells he once managed. Well, I, for one,
wish him the best.
Now, I don't pretend to know anything about the Machiavellian intricacies of
politics, the " one - hand - washes - the - other - that - scratches - the -
back - that - spanks - the - monkey - that - gives - the - reacharound - " to
whomever. All I know is, with the Nasdaq numbers acting like they're in a fight
scene from "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and the once-madly-thriving economy
now teetering like Forrest Whitaker in a pair of Jimmy Choo stilettos, if I
were Dubya, the first thing I'd do when I set foot in the White House, before I
unpacked the video golf game, before I started crank-calling my old frat
brothers, before I snuck up behind Dick Cheney and popped an inflated paper
bag, the first thing I'd do is get my ass on the phone and send Alan Greenspan
a four-year supply of Omaha ****ing steaks.
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
ACK!
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