Dawn Treader sucks

[Elok]

The WaPo gave it a good review, the wife and I grew up reading the books, and the first two Narnia movies were pleasant enough diversions. So we saw it. Like the title says, it sucks. One of those movies where you can just tell the script went through multiple rewrites, accumulating pointless crap and loose ends until they hit a deadline and had to shoot what they had so they'd have time to CG in everything before release. And probably a bunch of other things went wrong too, but I'm not gonna go into detailed analysis for something that ridiculous.

I post this as a warning for any polytubbies with children who might like to see this movie, or Narnia fans, or other potential viewers: it sucks. Really, truly, profoundly, in a made-by-committee way. Good casting, decent acting, nice special effects, okay music, whatever, the script is an abomination. A number of children in the theater with us got up and left before the end, and I don't think they were just scared of the sea serpent or had to go pee or whatever. I believe they may have simply lost interest and gone to see Tangled. I suggest all other prospective viewers do likewise.

The giggly disbelief I initially felt is wearing off, with disgust and disillusionment settling into its place. This is not just Elok being too picky again, Rotten Tomatoes gave it something like a 51% rating. I found that out too late. In conclusion, it sucks. There will probably be no Silver Chair movie. Thank you.

[Kuciwalker]

[Kuciwalker]

It's the best book, too

[Asher]

Terrible book series, terrible allegories, terrible movies -- who is shocked?

[Elok]

It's the best book, too

The main problem, I think, is that its plot was very episodic in nature: go to island 1, have adventures, move on to island 2, repeat until done. It's a fun journey in the book, and no doubt inspired by "magical voyage" tales like the Odyssey or the Irish Voyage of Maeldun. But screenwriters like there to be a single storyline, not a bunch of little hops like that, and they treasure momentum. So they welded on this tacky storyline about collecting the Seven Swords of Maguffin to stop an evil green mist from...doing something vaguely menacing. That's the real hell of it, they don't even develop the tack-on enough for it to make sense (and thus motivate the story). Where does this mist come from? What will it do if unchecked? What's so special about these swords in the first place? If they ever bothered to film scenes explaining what the hell is going on, those scenes were lost to the cutting-room. The magician hands out a quest like it's a school assignment and everybody plays fetch.

I suppose it wasn't developed largely because doing so would force them to compress the original story even more than they already did. Between the sword business and their turning the sea-serpent incident into a gigantic video-game style final boss, they barely have time for anything else. You feel like you're being force-marched through the story. Chapters go whizzing by left and right, only pausing to inflict hamhanded morals. The film's makers felt like they made too little on Prince Caspian because they lost "the Christian audience," so they make sure to whack you over the head with the piety here. Blech.

For the record, my favorite Narnia book was The Horse and his Boy. Fat chance that'll be made, anyhow.

[Thoth]

It should have had more bewbs.

Enough bewbs and even the ****tyest story starts to look good.

[Elok]

Yeah, The Christian Audience would've loved that.

[Thoth]

If Xians had more bewbs, they wouldn't be so uptight.

[Hauldren Collider]

I agree with Thoth

[Imran Siddiqui]

For the record, my favorite Narnia book was The Horse and his Boy. Fat chance that'll be made, anyhow.

Yeah, I think that'd be a reach. The racism is kinda shocking in book form as it is!

[Asher]

If they're still aiming for the Christian audience, how would that be a problem?

[Wiglaf]

I was listening to Bruce Springsteen Christmas music while drinking egg nog when I came across your post on my iPad. NOW THE EGG NOG IS ALL OVER MY VIRTUAL KEYBOARD. I guess that means ONE LESS CUSTOMER IS NOW ABLE TO BUY THE 99 CENT APPS YOU CODE YOU SNIVELING CANADIAN HACK. I am SORRY but your THESIS IS FLAWED:

ASIDE FROM THE OVERLOUD BAPTISTS -- who I think are solely responsible for the booming market for BOSE NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES -- you will NOT MEET A CHRISTIAN DENOMINATION THAT TOLERATES RAYCISM. I have even seen white priests and black alter boys, not sure what that does to your theory.

PS Slaves were Christian

SENT FROM MY LAPTOP
IS MY IPAD COVERED BY APPLECARE?

[Asher]

[Elok]

Yeah, I think that'd be a reach. The racism is kinda shocking in book form as it is!

It's cultural intolerance, strictly speaking, and I'm pretty sure they could've finessed it. They got away with the Haradrim in LOTR, they can remove the Oriental peril aspect of the Calormenes. Personally, I'd just make Tash much more prominent and have the eeevil be his fault and the Tisroc's. A few film critics would still find it problematic, but that's it. THAHB won't be made because it's a side story and I doubt the franchise will survive Dawn Treader at this rate anyhow.

Of course, I could be underestimating The Christian Audience (ie, doofus fundamentalists). They disliked Prince Caspian despite the highly Christian, or at least theistic, central tension of the story. So they might like Dawn Treader for mentioning the word "faith" twice and keeping the bit at the end where Aslan talks about his name in our world.

[Asher]

LOTR was racist beyond the Haradrim It's prevalent throughout the series.

"The Black Riders"

Anything black is bad in LOTR.