Joke Thread

[Kontiki]

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

[loinburger]

I'm curious as to whom you would rank below me.

Maybe you should start a thread on the subject rather than ****ting up this one.

[Kontiki]

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,

"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."

The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

[dannubis]

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

This hurts my heart...

[Kitschum]

An elderly Jewish man strolls into his attorney's office with a big smile on his face. He proceeds to tell his attorney that he has just won the biggest lottery jackpot of the century, and now he wishes to amend his will.

- I want 1/3 of my inheritance to go to my beloved children and grandchildren. Another 1/3 should go to a worthy charity. And the last 1/3 should be used in the construction of a giant golden statue of Adolph Hitler in the town square.

His wish shocks the attorney who exclaims: - Have you gone senile? Have you finally lost your mind? That man tried to exterminate your people!

So the old man rolls up the sleeve on his left arm, points and says: - See this? These are my lucky numbers!

[Cort Haus]

Try not being the third worst poster on the forums, Lori.

So that'll be Mr Fun and who?

[rah]

An elderly Jewish man strolls into his attorney's office with a big smile on his face. He proceeds to tell his attorney that he has just won the biggest lottery jackpot of the century, and now he wishes to amend his will.

- I want 1/3 of my inheritance to go to my beloved children and grandchildren. Another 1/3 should go to a worthy charity. And the last 1/3 should be used in the construction of a giant golden statue of Adolph Hitler in the town square.

His wish shocks the attorney who exclaims: - Have you gone senile? Have you finally lost your mind? That man tried to exterminate your people!

So the old man rolls up the sleeve on his left arm, points and says: - See this? These are my lucky numbers!

Sick, but I laughed and will probably repeat it in the future to the right audience. (a few of my jewish friends that have a sense of humor)

[Riesstiu IV]

"You've got to see what your baby is doing!" shouted the doctor as he burst out of the delivery room and into the waiting room. "What?!" yelled the child's father as he leapt to his feet. "He's literally FLYING around the delivery room! Here, I'll show you!" replied the doctor as he shot back into the delivery room. A few seconds later, he emerged with the baby in his arms. "Watch!" he shouted and tossed the baby into the air. The baby landed on the tile with a thud. "What the Hell?!" the guy started to shout, but the doctor interrupted with, "No, wait, watch this!" and he scooped the baby up and threw him harder. WHAM! The baby bounced off the wall and plopped to the floor, again. "Oh, my God!" shouted the man, and started to grab at the doctor. "No! He was doing it earlier," protested the doctor, "Watch this!" He again scooped the baby up, flung open the waiting room window and hurled the baby four stories down where it splattered onto the sidewalk. Enraged, the man clutched at the doctor's throat and pinned him against the wall. "WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO MY BABY!?" He screamed. "Relax," laughed the doctor, "It was a stillborn."

[Asher]

Oh, my.

The best jokes are the worst ones.

[Riesstiu IV]

That joke is how I would imagine Guynemer as a doctor.

[Darius871]

"You've got to see what your baby is doing!" shouted the doctor as he burst out of the delivery room and into the waiting room. "What?!" yelled the child's father as he leapt to his feet. "He's literally FLYING around the delivery room! Here, I'll show you!" replied the doctor as he shot back into the delivery room. A few seconds later, he emerged with the baby in his arms. "Watch!" he shouted and tossed the baby into the air. The baby landed on the tile with a thud. "What the Hell?!" the guy started to shout, but the doctor interrupted with, "No, wait, watch this!" and he scooped the baby up and threw him harder. WHAM! The baby bounced off the wall and plopped to the floor, again. "Oh, my God!" shouted the man, and started to grab at the doctor. "No! He was doing it earlier," protested the doctor, "Watch this!" He again scooped the baby up, flung open the waiting room window and hurled the baby four stories down where it splattered onto the sidewalk. Enraged, the man clutched at the doctor's throat and pinned him against the wall. "WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO MY BABY!?" He screamed. "Relax," laughed the doctor, "It was a stillborn."

That's familiar, but maybe different enough not to be a ripoff:

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just ****ing with you, she's dead."

[Riesstiu IV]

It's completely different. I mean there aren't even any dead babies in that joke.