Joke Thread

[Riesstiu IV]

I'll start first,

New mother in maternity ward: "Doctor, doctor, is my baby alright?"
Doctor: "Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is it's a ginger."
New mother: "How could there possibly be any good news?"
Doctor: "It was dead."

[Asher]

This one's for MrFun:

Q: What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln?
A: They can't finish a play.

[loinburger]

Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:

Spoiler:

Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis. I mean ladder.

Q: How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:

Spoiler:

That's not funny.

Q: How many Objectivists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:

Spoiler:

As many as Ayn Rand says it takes!!!

[loinburger]

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A:

Spoiler:

Genocide.

There are two guys in a bar. The first one says, "Dude, I ****ed your mom last night," and the second one says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk."

Q: Why did two functions stop calling each other?
A:

Spoiler:

Because they had constant arguments.

[loinburger]

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A:

Spoiler:

Elephants are gray, and grapes are purple.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees elephants walking over a hill?
A:

Spoiler:

"Look at those elephants walking over that hill!"

Q: What does Jane say when she sees elephants walking over a hill?
A:

Spoiler:

"Look at those grapes walking over that hill!" (Jane is colorblind)

[loinburger]

.

[loinburger]

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A:

Spoiler:

Dress up like a duck and throw toothbrushes at her.

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The horse says "Dammit, I'm in the wrong joke."




A man with an orange for a head walks into a bar, trailed by an adoring group of supermodels. The supermodels all take a seat at a large booth in the corner while the man with an orange for a head orders drinks at the bar. Occasionally one of the supermodels tosses a frilly undergarment at the man with an orange for a head.

While mixing drinks, the bartender cannot contain his curiosity any further, and asks the man with an orange for a head, "Sir, I don't mean to pry, but... why do you have an orange for a head?"

The man with an orange for a head shrugs apologetically and replies, "I'm afraid that's a rather long and uninteresting story. Are you certain you would like to hear it?"

The bartender nods his affirmation, and many other bar patrons chime in, saying that they'd like to hear the story of why the man has an orange for a head.

"Well, you see," says the man with an orange for a head, "I was strolling down the road one day and saw an antique lamp by the side of the road. Naturally I picked it up and dusted it off with my sleeve, and of course a genie popped out and said that he would grant me three wishes."

"Fascinating!" says the bartender. "What did you wish for???"

"First," says the man with an orange for a head, "I wished to be fabulously wealthy. The genie provided me with a luxurious estate, a large stock portfolio, and so forth."

"Second," continues the man with an orange for a head, "I wished to be extremely attractive to members of the opposite sex."

"Ah, that explains the throng of attractive followers in the corner booth," says the bartender.

"Yes," affirms the man with an orange for a head, "believe me when I say that every night I'm in a paradise of sexual pleasure."

"So tell us," says the bartender, "what was your third and final wish?"

The man with an orange for a head replies, "Well, naturally, my final wish was to have an orange for a head."

[loinburger]

A priest was out fishing with a farmer when the priest reeled in a huge fish. The Farmer shouted, "Wow, that's one huge Sonofa*****." The priest looks a little distrubed and says, "Please sir, I'm a man of the cloth, if you would watch your languge" to which the farmer replies, "It's okay, that's the name of the fish. The fish is called a Sonofa*****."

The priest is pretty excited about this, basically getting away with cursing so he takes the fish back to the church and asks one of the Nuns, "The pope is coming for a visit tomorrow and I want you to cook this Sonofa***** for him." The Sister looks aghast at the priest and says, "Father, please, your language!" To which the Priest says, "It's okay, that's the name of the fish. It's called a Sonofa*****." The nun giggles and takes the fish away and prepares it.

The next day the pope arrives and after the meal says, "That was an amazing meal." The priest says proudly, "I caught that Sonofa*****." Not to be outdone the Nun says, "Well I cooked that Sonofa*****!"

The pope looks around for a moment and then says, "Y'know...you ****ers are alright."

[loinburger]

Q: What has wheels and is green?

A:

Spoiler:

Grass. (I lied about the wheels.)

Q. How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

A.

Spoiler:

None. They just sit in the dark and cry.

A cop pulls over a man for driving over the speed limit.
"I'm in a generous mood today," says the cop. "If you can give me a good excuse for why you were speeding then I'll let you off with a warning."
"Last week my wife left me for a police officer," says the speeding man. "When I saw you I thought you were trying to bring her back."

[Lorizael]

Try using more than one punchline, loin.

[loinburger]

Try not being the third worst poster on the forums, Lori.

[rah]

A cop pulls over a man for driving over the speed limit.
"I'm in a generous mood today," says the cop. "If you can give me a good excuse for why you were speeding then I'll let you off with a warning."
"Last week my wife left me for a police officer," says the speeding man. "When I saw you I thought you were trying to bring her back."

You forgot the last line.
The cop didn't even give him a warning.

[loinburger]

That line wasn't in the telling I heard, but I agree that it wraps up the joke nicely.

[MikeH]

Why did little Lucy fall off the swing?

Spoiler:

She didn't have any arms

[Lorizael]

Try not being the third worst poster on the forums, Lori.

I'm curious as to whom you would rank below me.