So I'm going to be polygraphed tomorrow...

[Riesstiu IV]

I jacked off during a few polygraphs I was given as part of a paternity suit. I'll just leave it at that but talk about efficiency. The Chinese could learn something from me

Bullsh*t. Everyone in Washington knows that you and Michael Steele are exclusively butt buddies.

[Pekka]

Going to be a cop? Are you going to get a baton and beat innocent pervert's penises with it, like mine for exampel?

First things first. Polygraph is awesome. It is as good as the tester. What does this mean? It means it's a FUN challenge to **** with the tester. Say that whenever you are nervous, you have to pinch your nipples, is that OK? Then start pinching and rubbing your tatas and make horny looks at the tester. Then grab your testicles and say this is the second step because of a medical condition and finally play with your butt.

Now let's see who is uncomfortable! Also, never quit in tests no matter if you are dying. People hate it when sick people come and try, trying to show "attitude", but hey, they secretly still love it. People who don't like it secretly are losers who are also quitters and you're posing a direct threat right there. That's right *****, I've got fever and my nose is running look! Look at this, I'm doing jumping jacks you big homo! Yeah and I'm pinching my nipples because I'm nervous, that's the kind of dude I am. Hey, let the haters be haters... their lives suck anyway.

So do the wrong thing and win. Why? Basically this is logical and my own doctrine. If everyone knew the same things and had the same basic abilities, it would always be a tie of 1000 people, right? SO everyone is looking for an edge. They try to be _better_. In terms of rules and whatnot. So every now and then someone comes top. What's the logical route to take? Break the rules, do your worse, and you will win. If not? Screw them.

[Dinner]

**** on a shingle.

[Riesstiu IV]

Great advice Pekka. Just so you know, I would never try to beat your penis. The worst thing I would do is make you cover your manhood with a sock or something.

[Blaupanzer]

Upshot is you didn't make the force, I take it. Is there a later opportunity to try again? If so, and you get to the polygraph, just tell the truth. Relax and tell the truth. Unless some other factor plays here (like you really are a murderer, or have a medical condition that rattles the tester), you will be fine. If you are secretly on the run, never forget that, and stay away from authorities and their tests.

[Imran Siddiqui]

"I think I can beat the machine!"
"Who do you think you are? Costanza?"

[Japher]

Lie about everything so they can't get a baseline.

Or, hold pennies in your mouth.

[Riesstiu IV]

Upshot is you didn't make the force, I take it. Is there a later opportunity to try again?

Yes, the administrator said that I could try again next month without having to do the written test again. I'm already signed up.

[Timexwatch]

...as part of the interview/hiring process for a police department. I've been given the questions beforehand. It's nothing too horrendous and I can answer the questions truthfully but I am pretty nervous. I'm really worried that it's going to affect the results... Hell I'm always nervous for job interviews but this is completely new territory for me. Does anyone have suggestions?

Your first mistake is joining a department that requires a polygraph

But seriously, good luck in the hiring process. I just recently hit the streets of DC. Drop me a line and let me know which agency if you're comfortable with that.