There Is A Black Man Mowing My Lawn

[Wiglaf]

Another one just showed up. Can the mods please change the thread title to "There Are Two Black Men Mowing My Lawn"? I'm not sure what the protocol is for dealing with this situation AT ALL. Has there been a mix up? Should I start playing Weezer on my stereo? I hear black people hate the Weezer, particularly the song "Beverly Hills."

[-Jrabbit]

Do you have accelerants? Might be time to set fire to the lawn.

[Solomwi]

If you aim for the part of the mower furthest from the man then you should be able to disable the machine while only causing minor injuries to the man (certainly not enough to prevent him from limping away and at worst dying in the cab of his own truck, which will then be towed by the city after you report it as an abandoned vehicle).

Otherwise your only choice is to give him your family's address and alarm codes (and if you have them, nude picture's of your mother/sister) in the (probably futile) hope that he will choose not to violate your virgin white *******.

I'm guessing he already has nudes of Wiggy's sister. Wiglaf, you could ask him for nudes of your sister, in the hope of developing some kind of bond with him so he won't violate your virgin white *******. But he'll probably want a comparison if you get him thinking about your sister (unless she's awful in bed; how is she?), and if you do establish that bond, he'll want to come over and hang out. So that may be a bad idea.

[Wiglaf]

Do you have accelerants? Might be time to set fire to the lawn.

Of course, but that's more of a self destruct mechanism in case my home is ever invaded. How would I restrict the fire to the lawn? My training tells me I can dump fuel on them and shoot them with a flaming arrow, but I was wondering if there is a way to make that look like an accident.

[KrazyHorse]

Another one just showed up. Can the mods please change the thread title to "There Are Two Black Men Mowing My Lawn"? I'm not sure what the protocol is for dealing with this situation AT ALL. Has there been a mix up? Should I start playing Weezer on my stereo? I hear black people hate the Weezer, particularly the song "Beverly Hills."

Wiglaf, there is always the possibility that there remain laws against the congregation of black people in public in the District of Columbia. I suggest that you report their activities to police as a possible instance of conspiracy to commit servile revolt.

[Wiglaf]

There was a fugitive slave law I believe that made slavery illegal only in D.C. So this is like the worst place to do that trick but I might as well try.

[Wiglaf]

I just told him his mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberries and to go away or I shall taunt him a second time. He did not get the reference AT ALL and his compatriot is now headed for the truck. If they get within 20 feet of this house I will be ready.

[KrazyHorse]

Wiggy, whatever you do DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TAKEN ALIVE.

Save the last shell for yourself. Go out with dignity, not as the ****toy of two rogue landscapers.

[SpencerH]

Another one just showed up. Can the mods please change the thread title to "There Are Two Black Men Mowing My Lawn"? I'm not sure what the protocol is for dealing with this situation AT ALL. Has there been a mix up? Should I start playing Weezer on my stereo? I hear black people hate the Weezer, particularly the song "Beverly Hills."

Oh ****, oh ****, oh ****, the real wiggie's back.

[chequita guevara]

I don't know what to do. We don't have the blacks in Canada.

Sure you do. You just know them as coloureds.

[Felch]

I just told him his mother was a hamster and his father smelt of elderberries and to go away or I shall taunt him a second time. He did not get the reference AT ALL and his compatriot is now headed for the truck. If they get within 20 feet of this house I will be ready.

Do you handload? Make a custom shell with your favorite ingredients. I try to keep magnesium and depleted uranium on hand for this sort of eventuality, but I'm all out of magnesium at the moment.

[SlowwHand]

Who goes there? What is he doing? He will likely demand payment when he has concluded. Advice please. The last time I called the police and told them a black man was washing my windows, they told me to shoot him and hung up. I am not sure who will take this seriously, but one thing is for sure: a black man is mowing my lawn and make no mistake he will want bank when he is done. Suggestions are welcome. This ordinarily happens to me when I am on the interstate or in traffic.

I have some bad news for you. He's also sleeping with your girlfriend.

[Imran Siddiqui]

You should show them you are a Christian by putting up a massive cross on your lawn. Also, if they have trouble seeing it, you should light it on fire.

[SlowwHand]

Yeah, that should do it.

[Tuberski]

Do you handload? Make a custom shell with your favorite ingredients. I try to keep magnesium and depleted uranium on hand for this sort of eventuality, but I'm all out of magnesium at the moment.

You didn't, by chance, deplete that uranium yourself did you? It would explain a lot.

ACK!